Distraction
Remus and Sirius were standing before the closed door to James’ and Regulus’ quarters for a few seconds.
Their dispute they’d had before hadn’t yet been talked about, so the tension was palpable. Additionally Sirius was clearly upset about Regulus and James.
So Remus took pity on him.
“Would you like some tea?” He sighed while still staring ahead.
He could feel Sirius shift slightly, looking over at him. “Yes. Tea would be good. Thank you.”
So Remus lead him into his quarters.
Remus’ room wasn’t as big as Sirius’ but it was very cozy. The walls lined with bookshelves he had filled over the year. A single candle was sitting on a small table with a comfortable reading chair beside the window. A narrow bed with a dark wood nightstand.
They sat down opposite each other, Sirius on the edge of the, slightly disheveled, bed and Remus taking the chair. They were only an arm’s length away and Remus was feeling too hot in his uniform all of a sudden.
Shortly after sitting in awkward silence for a few moments, there was a knock at the door. Remus rose up quickly, glad to have something to do and get more space between them for the moment. The maid on the other side pushed in a small cart with two cups on saucers and a teapot, throwing intrigued glances between him and Sirius, who quickly got up from the bed.
“Thank you.” Remus tried to smile at her in a neutral fashion but he wasn’t sure he managed it well.
This was sure to become a subject of gossip between the other servants. There had been speculations before, which Remus had always denied of course.
She nodded at him with a mischievous smile and left quickly, surely eager to share her new found information with the others.
Remus sighed, he’ll have to deal with that later, and poured the both of them some tea, placing Sirius’ cup on the nightstand. After taking their first careful sips, Sirius started to speak.
“I am sorry about what happened.” Only slightly over a whisper, looking into his cup and then placing it back by the bed.
“It is alright. I know you and James are very close. I just… sometimes I wish I could be a part of it, you know? Not always. But sometimes.” He doesn’t look at him either.
“I understand. But I can tell you that both me and James care just as much about you as we do each other. It is just… different.”
“Yes… different.” Remus cringes, only looking up when he hears the slight panic in Sirius’ voice as he continues.
Hurriedly he adds, finally looking at him as well, eyes wide. “But not in a bad way. I just… you’re special, you know? I mean, not special, uhm, I’m not sure how to word it correctly. Gosh this is hard.” Sirius pushes his hair back in his usual manner.
Remus was studying him now, frowning, wondering what he was talking about.
“I’m sorry that I am not better at talking about this.” He looks Remus in the eye, putting a hand on his as to reinforce how genuine he is being. The touch sends a wave through Remus, like an electric shock. His heart starting to pound quicker.
“I care about you. So much. Sometimes it is hard to put into words.”
Remus stared at him, wanting to have heard something like that from Sirius for a long time. Seeing the vulnerability in his eyes.
“I care about you too.” He breathes out. It isn’t enough. His skin prickling where Sirius is touching. He suddenly needs to be closer, he needed to show him how much he meant to him, let him feel it, feel it with him.
So he took a leap, not sure how Sirius will react. Not sure if he will pull back and tell him that he mean he cared like a friend. Just very good friends. But at this moment he doesn’t let that fear stop him, it’s like his body just takes over for him.
So he tangled their hands together further, pulling himself up so he is standing over Sirius. He reached for his chin, tilting it up, hesitating, with a question in his eyes. Sirius’ eyes were wide in surprise but he nodded ever so slightly, shifting forward a bit, lips slightly open.
Remus started to bend down, lightly brushing his lips against Sirius’.
As soon as he kisses him, Sirius seems to be pulled out of his state of still wonder. He deepened it, pulling Remus down on top of him.
Remus practically stumbled onto him, straddling him mostly out of necessity as to not fall. Sirius’ hands cradled his neck, pushing through his hair with a desperation that makes Remus’ head spin.
He opens his mouth, exploring Sirius in any way he will let him. The moan it rips out of him is animalistic. He pushed up and pulls Remus down further at the same time, trying to get closer still.
It is wonderful. It is everything Remus imagined and more. All he’s wanted for so long now. And Sirius seemed as eager as he was. His heart was beating in his chest with ecstasy.
But there was something else mixed in at this moment. Guilt. He didn’t want to destroy it, didn’t want it to end. Still, he did, knew he had to.
He pulled back, staring down at Sirius, admiring the sight of him for a second longer. Just having this moment being perfect, storing the memory somewhere safe.
Sirius stared back up at him, hair a mess, pupils blown, lips glossy and pink from the kiss.
“Why’d you stop?” He breathed out.
“I… I have to tell you something. Before we continue. I want you to have all the information before we… we do anything further.” He sat back on the bed, still close to Sirius but no longer touching.
Sirius sat up too, looking confused.
“What’s wrong? Did you… not want to? Did I… do something wrong?”
“No! No, it's not that. Believe me. I want to! I wouldn't have otherwise. It’s just… I spoke to your brother today.”
Sirius’ face immediately scrunched up.
“Why’d you start talking about him? Right now? I was just distracted from whatever is going on with James and Regulus.” His face twisted into disgust.
It’s like a punch to the gut. “Distracted?” Remus asked. The embarrassment and shame taking over.
“This is want this was for you? A welcome distraction from James??” He was getting to his feet, choosing anger instead of showing how hurt he was.
“Great. I should’ve known. Precious James is fucking your brother right now so you're jealous and decide to give it a go to see if I’ll distract you from it. That’s why you were talking about all that ‘you’re special’ bullshit ”
Sirius jumped up as well. “What? No! Of course not! That’s not what this was about. And don’t talk about my brother that way!” Quickly matching Remus’ energy.
“Better yet, don’t talk about him at all!”
“No? I shouldn’t tell you how Regulus and I are friends? Or how I explained sex to him so he knew what to do when he would inevitably go at it with James? I taught him a lot, I’m sure they are having a lot of fun right now.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Sirius shouts. His face red with anger.
He knew he was taking it too far. Knew he should stop or apologise. But he didn’t. Too hurt to care right now. He wanted to make them both feel things before, together. So now he did it in a different way, if he was hurting so much, Sirius would have to feel it with him.
“You know, if you are so fond of James, maybe we should keep things separate. You can go with James and I will spend the rest of my life with your precious little brother. Maybe I’ll have some fun with him too.”
Sirius just stared at him, clearly holding back tears, looking like he’s wants to punch him.
Remus wasn’t sure if he would hit him but he wasn’t afraid of that, even kind of wanted it. A different kind of passion is still passion. But Sirius didn’t. He just turned, storming out the door and slamming it behind him.
The silence after was deafening. What the hell had he done? What had he said? Remus knew he was being unnecessarily cruel, saying some things that weren’t even true. Him an regulus having fun. What had be been thinking. ‘Nothing’ he answered himself. He’d only wanted to hurt Sirius. And he had succeeded…
But it had just been too much.
A distraction.
That’s what he had called him.
The pain he felt was too much to bear. He just curled up on his bed, silently crying to himself.
He should have never kissed that prick.
—
~ Snape Estate ~
“This is ours? Are you certain?”
Severus asked her as they were both standing in front of their newly acquired Residence.
It was a beautiful, enormous building. Lily was feeling quite proud of herself, having accomplished this.
“What do the papers you received from the palace say?” She asked, marvelling at the ornately decorated stone and the land stretching out around it.
“The papers say it is ours. This, the land, money and apparently there is cattle somewhere.” Lily had hardly ever seen her husband look so happy.
“There is a key.” Snape pulled it out, opening the wooden door leading into the entrance hall.
Lily followed him, silently smiling to herself.
“I never thought that I would see the day.” He took it all in, proudly. “Do you know how this happened?” He asked her, though not looking at her.
“I have no idea.”
She smiled to herself, feeling the pride in her accomplishment. The sting of having to break Regulus’ trust was tarnishing it a bit, but she swore to herself to keep it to a minimum. Dumbledore wanted to know everything but she hadn’t told him much, just what she knew he wanted to hear. And in her mind, she promised herself and Regulus that she would never step over a line with it. His true secrets were safe with her.
“I will tell you how this happened.” Severus said in his over confident manner.
Lily looked over at him, with a face of innocent interest, a bit nervous if he might know what she had done. He did not seem not notice any of it though, still not really acknowledging her. Rather, he was talking at her.
“The King, the real one mind you, sees me for who I am. My value, my worth. He understands, even with his modern choice of life, that tradition is important. And families like mine have done a lot for him and this great country!”
Lily had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes at that. Instead, she shot Marlene an apologetic look for her husbands words about a ‘modern choice of life’. Marlene, standing right beside her, just shook her head in the smallest way, that said ’Don’t worry about it. I’m used to it.’
At this, Lily pressed her lips together in a thin line. She felt anger bubbling up inside her. Though the world was changing, by important examples just like the two Kings, it was changing so slowly. She wanted for it to change now. She would change it if she only could. But for now, she could only hope to be a friend to Marlene and Remus and others. To support them any way she could. To make their lives easier.
-
Regulus’ first thought after waking up, was that it was too early an he wanted to keep sleeping. Eyes pressed closed as to keep the sunlight out that had awoken him.
His second one was him realising, what had happened the night before. He touched his fingers lightly to his lips, remembering the feeling of James’ on his. The feeling of his lips on his skin, his hands on his body, his…
The thought of it drew him to the other side of the bed, rolling over, eyes still closed. Fearful that opening them would vanish the memories he’d had last night and reveal them to just have been a dream.
But as he reached for the man he was expecting to lie beside him, his arm landed on the cool, soft and empty sheet. A sudden bolt of panic shot through him. Had it been a dream? His eyes opening so quickly that it took a second for them to adjust to the sudden light he had been keeping out.
The room was empty, James nowhere to be seen. But then, he spotted the gown he had worn last night, lying discarded on the ground. The silk flowing on the ground like liquid obsidian. Beyond it on the table the two wine glasses, still some red residue in them.
So it had happened. He had been here. He had really touched him like that. Had made him feel like that.
And then… he had left.
The questions started racing in his mind.
Why had he left? Had he not enjoyed it? Had Regulus done something wrong? He had seemed like he had enjoyed it. Regulus couldn’t imagine that someone could fake that this good. Could they? Could James? And why even do that in this case?
Regulus rolled his eyes at himself. Smacking a hand on his face. Why was he being like this. This was ridiculous.
James probably just had some duties to attend to. He probably didn’t get to stop all his work just because he was on his honeymoon. That was fine. Everything was fine. He just had to stop worrying about everything James related like this. This wasn’t like him at all.
So Regulus took a deep breath, relaxing into all this.
The knock at the door just slightly making his heart start to pound in anticipation. James! He must have come back.
Quickly, he got up, picking up his robe and slipping into it before calling out.
“Come in.”
When Remus opened the door, Regulus cursed himself for feeling as disappointed as he did. Hadn’t he just told himself to get it together?!
“Good morning, Regulus.” Remus greeted him with a smile, that didn’t quite reach his slightly swollen eyes. Even in his own ‘state’ (Reglus had decided to call it) he noticed that something was wrong with Remus.
“I have come to help you dress. It is all prepared in the dressing room one door over.”
“Good morning.” He hesitated for a second, contemplating if he should ask what was wrong.
In the short moments of quiet, he made eye contact with Remus, raising his eyebrows in a silent question. Remus seemingly recognised what he was asking immediately but only shook his head in the smallest of motions. No, he didn’t want to talk about it. Not now.
Regulus nodded in understanding, hoping he was communicating that he could come to him when he was ready.
For now though, Remus just lead him out the room, towards the dressing room.
It was strange, Regulus thought to himself. He hadn’t had this kind of silent conversation with someone in a long while. Just understanding each other without having to say a word. It was one of his favourite kinds of communication, of vulnerability. It let you be understood, seen, without having to do the hard part of wording it and saying it out loud.
The last time he’d had communicated with someone like this had been… with Sirius.
-
Washed and dressed in fresh garments, Regulus and Remus walked to the dining hall in comfortable silence. Or well, the silence was comfortable but Regulus suspected neither of them were truly comfortable with what was going through their heads. He didn’t know what was occupying Remus’ thoughts, but his own were filled with the anxiety of seeing James again. How would it be to look him in the eye after last night? He was a little scared of it, but he also wanted to see him as soon as possible. Just to let his smile wash over him and take all the care from him in an instant.
As they were entering the dining hall though, James was nowhere to be seen. The place where his plate should be wholly empty. Only Regulus’ side of the table was richly filled with cutlery, decoration and more food than he could eat alone in one morning.
“James must have gone out. We shall hold breakfast for him. I would like to eat together.” He said, feeling a blush creeping up his collar at the proclamation of his wish.
Remus, either ignoring or not noticing his embarrassment, just glanced over at him with a slight furrow in his brow.
“Uhm, His Majesty has not gone out. I believe he has a visitor.” Nodding towards a hallway.
Regulus looked at him in confusion. Why was he so formal about James all of a sudden? He shook it off, intrigued by this visitor and being pulled in the direction Remus had pointed out.
“Why don’t you take the morning off Remus? Maybe you could catch up on your reading, I’m sure you haven’t had much time for it lately.”
“But I am to stay at your side Regulus.” Remus protested weakly, clearly wanting a break.
“I will be fine on my own for a bit. And besides, “ He adds in a hushed tone, looking at the other servants standing at the ready. “I’m never really alone around here as it is, am I?”
With a thankful look on his face, Remus nodded at him, turning to leave. A exhale of relief being audible as he exited the hall.
Regulus was going to speak with him later, maybe then he could find out what was going on with him. A bit time alone might help, they were similar in that, Regulus had noticed.
But first, he was going to see what this visitor was all about.
On soft feet, he made his way towards where Remus had pointed him. Not quite sneaking but not obvious either.
The voices could be heard, but not made out after only a few steps into the hallway. A few feet further, he saw one of the many doors, not quite closed, maybe left open on accident. As he got closer, he could clearly recognise James’ voice. He sounded agitated. But there was someone else that Regulus recognised. He wasn’t sure from where exactly, but he had a calmness to his voice that was nearly infuriating.
As he looked into the room, only open about two fingers wide, he saw him. The man who had come to make the marriage deal with his mother. Dumbledore, The Royal Advisor.
He was standing with a straight back, his hands folded on his back. Through his half-moon glasses, he was looking at James, right across from him.
A James that looked so different that the one from last night. He was gesturing wildly and looking annoyed, sounding accusatory.
“- why you are here! Just leave me alone with this!” He was just below a shout.
“It is politics, my bo- My King. You must understand that we must make sure the marriage is secure.” Dumbledore calmly explained.
“It is my marriage. It is none of your business.” He glared at him, folding his arms like a pouting child.
“Your marriage is Palace Business. Your marriage is Parliaments Business. Your marriage is the Countries Business. So it is mine as well. This cannot go wrong. I need to know if you have bedded him. This is tradition, we cannot break with. It is precarious as it is.”
“You told me I had to wed.”
“For the Crown. Yes.” Dumbledore nodded.
“And as I told you I did not care what gender they might have, you told me I was to marry a man. I did. You told me to charm him to make it easier for all. I have done my best. You told me I could not let her know me, for I must protect the secrets of the Crown. I have not.” He was growing more agitated as he listed them off.
Regulus was just listening, too stunned to move, even though part of him screamed at him to run.
“You told me to bed him. I have done so! I understand! You have made it clear to me uncountable times over the years that I was born for the happiness or misery of a great nation and contrary must often act contrary to my passion. I have done so to take this burden from my mother. She has had to carry this for far too long. I am the picture of duty. The Crown resides within me, embedded like a knife! You do not need to explain it to me!”
By the last sentence, James’ voice was hoarse from screaming and he was breathing heavily. Dumbledore was still standing calm and collected, starting to answer but Regulus didn’t hear what else was said. He didn’t need to.
His body, finally being back in his control, he fled back to the dinning hall. So people could fake enjoyment this well. James, could. He was feeling sick.
Shortly before entering, he hesitated just for a moment. He could feel the calmness of separating himself from this, right in is reach. He took it gladly, retreating into himself and letting his face fall into an emotionless mask as he entered.
Not looking any of the servants in the eye, he sat down. He saw a plate added on the other side of the table, per his request to eat with James. Something that would have delighted him only minutes before, now a mockery of him and his stupidity.
In a toneless voice, not addressed at anyone specific, he ordered,
“Take his plate away. I shall have my breakfast now. There is no need to wait for the King.”