occurremus iterum

Saturday morning was a slow and sluggish start for most students in the Slytherin dorms. Zinnia slept through breakfast and then agreed to join her friends outside in the courtyard to work on their assignments and share gossip from the party they threw the night before.

Zinnia was trying to piece together the night, especially before she remembers puking in the boy’s toilets. She and Lyla each drank an entire bottle of wine while they got ready for the party, and from then on her night was very blurry. She remembered taking a shower after being sick, and then smoking the joint that George had rolled for her. The rest of the night when she was high and went to the kitchens with George. Smoking to her was becoming much more appealing, she was able to giggle and relieve stress, and still remember the night. When she was drunk, she usually got sick and regretted the way she acted from whatever memories she could recollect.

The boys were starting to head out of the courtyard to prepare for their Quidditch tryouts and Miles approached her.

“Kiss for good luck Z?” He asked her.

“Muah, you’ll do great.” She kissed the back of his hand. She had love for Miles. He was there for her and put up with a lot of her shit.

“Thanks babe.” he smiled and joined the guys to head down to the pitch.

It was a closed tryout so the girls weren’t allowed to watch.

“Does he think that we are together Ly?” She asked her friend.

“Who Miles? Yes, he is delusional. It doesn’t help that you continue to feed into his delusion, sitting on his lap and pulling him up the dorms at the party last night.” Lyla said.

“What? No, did I really do that? All I remember is we were taking shots and then I was vomiting in the boy’s toilets.”

“Well you had Miles carry you up to the dorms and that must have been when you got sick.”

“Great, now everyone at the party probably thinks I’m a slut.” She was really only thinking about if George saw or heard that she did that.

“Since when do you care what people think of you? And why would they think you are a slut? You and Miles have been coupled up in their eyes for years now. Most people think you are an item.”

“Whatever, you’re right I don’t care. Speaking of items, any updates on you and Cass?” She was desperate to change the subject.

“Nope, same thing since I told you in the dorms this morning. We just snogged all night and he kept trying to reach under my shirt.”

“You know you loved it Ly, you have been obsessed with him since first year.”

“Well considering he hasn’t looked in my direction until I got my double d’s, I am a little less in love.”

“Fair point. I honestly think you can do better. What about Theo? I saw him watching you read the other day. I swear he was drolling.”

“As if Z! He’s too young. He is proper fit though.”

“Young guys are always eager to please, I say you play the field. If Cassius is the one, you will end up together. Everything happens for a reason.”

“Maybe. Theo was really watching me though?”

“More like studying you. You are beautiful Lyla, don’t ever let any man make you think anything different.”

She gave her a side hug and they packed up their homework. Zinnia was relieved that she was able to finish it all so she could avoid the Sunday scaries.

“Let’s see if they have lunch ready in the great hall, I’m starving from skipping breakfast.” Zinnia told her.

“You go on ahead, I have to finish this term's list. Plus I am still too hungover to even think about food.”

“Ok, want me to bring you some leftovers?”

“Sure, thanks Z.”

She entered the hall and sat at her usual spot at the Slytherin table, grabbing a grilled cheese.

“It’s no chocolate cake, but I wanted to give you a kiss.” George sat down next to her and put a chocolate kiss on her plate.

“Mm! Thanks George.” She said, her mouth full. Her cheeks blushed so hot. Why did she feel so nervous around George Weasley? She swallowed and washed it down with her pumpkin juice, trying to to look directly at him to hide her pink face.

“That’s ok. I missed you at breakfast, how are you feeling?”

“Oh, I’m fine, thanks.” She was short. It was like she didn’t know how to make conversation all of a sudden. Not like she and George made civil conversation much in the past.“Um, you know partied a little too hard last night, barely remember most of it.” She added hoping he didn’t hear about her dragging Miles upstairs.

“Even our late night munchies?”

“Oh of course I remember that. I see you remembered the story about the chocolate kisses too?”

“How could I forget?” His stare was so deep into her eyes she had to break the contact, feeling her face grow hot again. She felt this aura intertwining with hers, mixing and melting together.

“Well thank you George, that was really sweet.”

The Slytherin Quidditch team came charging into the great hall, all hyped up from their late morning tryouts.

“Wooo! That was a great practice. Hey babe, made Keeper again, obviously. Weasley, kindly fuck off and out of my seat.” Miles was behind Zinnia with both hands on her shoulders, claiming her.

“Not a problem mate, see you Z,” George replied, winking at Zinnia as he stood up.

Zinnia watched him exit the hall and look back at her. Miles had sat down where George was and pulled her into him, kissing her on the cheek. George looked away, disappointed.

“Look, I’m happy for you babe. I mean Miles. I just, stop calling me babe! And stop touching me and kissing me whenever you feel like it! I told you we are not together!” She shouted as she stood up, nearby students looked over at the drama.

“Z, chill.”

“Whatever.” She stormed away, thankful that Miles didn’t try to follow her.

She sat back outside in the main courtyard and pretended to read her Divination textbook. Was she really feeding into Mile’s delusions? Was she gaslighting him, using him for what she wanted, then pushing him away when she didn’t? So what if she was? He did the same thing to her. She tried convincing herself that she wasn’t a bad friend.

“You good Zinny?” George approached her slowly. She didn’t even realize she let some tears leak out of her eyes.

“Can we get out of here?” She asked him.

“Always.” He replied and held out his hand.

She left her bag and let George lead her out of the castle walls. He looked different without his uniform on. He was wearing blue jeans, a fitted washed out Ireland Quidditch tee shirt and dirty dark green chucks. His hand was big, about the same size as Miles, his fingers just more slim. She liked the way it felt in her hand. She looked up at his arm, his biceps were much more prominent than she realized and she remembered the way his back muscles felt when he took her for a ride on his broom last week.

He took her to the smoke spot, helping her out of the window, and sat on the ledge. She was standing in the small courtyard, with him sitting they were eye level. She turned to face him, standing in between his thighs. He reached up and wiped the tear off of her cheek.

“Want to talk about it?” He whispered softly.

She shook at his soft touch, it was so full of love, and care. Not like when Miles touched her, clumsy and possessive. She held his hand and pulled it back to her cheek, resting her face into it. Her breath was shaky, she was on the verge of another breakdown. She thought if I can stay still like this and regulate my breathing I can be fine. Two minutes tops.

When she opened her eyes he was searching her face with concern and smiled when her gaze met his.

“Hey,” He said so quietly, it was almost silent. She wanted to kiss him. She felt like her body was being pulled to his lips, but her brain was keeping her still. What was she thinking wanting to kiss George Weasley? The boy who teased her and fought with her for years. Her stomach flipped, he had placed his other hand on her waist. “You’re ok. You can let it out. You are safe here.”

She wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders and sobbed, burying her face into his neck. He pulled her in and stroked her hair. She was losing her control and again was staining his shirt with her mascara. They stayed like that for a while. She gained her control back to her breath, and her tears stopped. “I’m sorry, I hate that you keep seeing me like this.”

She pulled herself out of his arms, turning to face away, trying to wipe the mascara off of her face. Immediately mad at herself for all the jokes he would surely make at her expense. *She was remembering the time last year he turned her quill into a garden hoe as she was writing an essay. "What? you seemed to have a sudden interest in garden tools. All the fuss about hoes in Herbology the other day." She couldn't stop herself this time and threw the hoe directly at him, smacking into his forehead. She and the class burst into laughter. She got two weeks detention, helping Professor Sprout tend to a rather large collection of Aconite plants.*

“Don’t apologize, Zin, you are allowed to be stressed out.”

“I’m just such a fucking mess!” She giggled a little trying to joke it off.

“You are not a mess, you are perfect.” He stood up and put his hand on her upper back. “Look at me Zin, you are not a mess, I mean it.”

“I cried off all my makeup, my eyes are swollen and I just stained your shirt with snot and mascara!” He spun her around as she covered her face with her hands.

“Hey, enough of that,” He pulled her hands away from her face. “Zinnia, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. You know you don’t need any of that stuff.”

She looked up at him, “Thanks, George,” and used her wand to clean the stains off of his shirt.

“What can I do, Zin, really? I hate seeing you cry.”

“I hate crying, George.”

“What is making you cry?”

“It’s just girl stuff, don’t worry about it. It won't happen again.” She started to step to the window.

“Wait, Zinnia. I get you don’t want to talk about it. You said that and I am trying to respect it, I am. Can you talk to Lyla about it?”

“George, seriously don’t worry about me. Thanks for the shoulder, I shouldn’t be needing it again.”

He spun her around on the spot and sat her down on the window ledge, holding her shoulders so she couldn’t get up. “Black, stop it with the ‘too cool’ bullshit. You can’t deny that you are really hurting. It’s ok if you don’t want to talk to me about it. But please don’t try to shut me out like you have shut out everyone else.”

“Fuck off, Weasley. Let go of me.”

“Why? So you can go make out with Miles and then in two to three business days be sobbing alone in another empty classroom?”

“It’s cute that you think I give two shits about Miles. As if a boy would make me cry.”

“So if it’s not Miles. Sirius Black?”

“Fuck. Off.” She pulled with all her might on his forearms, trying to rip them off of her shoulders. His strong arms holding her in place.

“I know you and your friends have tabooed the subject. Miles wants to protect you from the rumors. Clearly he isn’t doing a great job.”

“What rumors?”

“You really don’t know?”

“What?”

He let go of her shoulders and looked at her with pity.

“What, George? What are they saying now?”

“People are saying that your mom married a Death Eater this summer. That she was part of the plan to break out Black. That she could even be hiding him.”

“Igor was a Death Eater, so what. They are not housing Sirius. He is the headmaster at Durmstrang. You think he has time for that?”

“I don’t really know what to think honestly.”

“You think my family is evil.” She wasn’t asking.

“I don’t, I-”

“Igor risked his life, he turned in almost 20 Death Eaters. He’s moving on, trying to have a chance at real life.”

“Well I am just telling you what people are saying. I thought you knew, I thought that was why you were crying.”

“Dumbledore showed me some memories, that night I was in the classroom. He showed me his old memories of my father when he was at Hogwarts. I never got to meet him. He died before I was even born. My mom got remarried and I’m so happy she is able to fall in love again. But it is just another reminder that she lost one of the loves of her life too soon. That she had to raise me by herself. Not all of us come from perfect big happy families.”

“I’m so sorry Zinnia. I am so so sorry. I can’t even pretend to understand what you are going through. I’m an idiot.”

“Whatever George. Just promise me you won’t be so gullible to believe rumors. That you will come to me and ask if you hear people talking shit.”

“I never believed the rumors for the record.”

“Ok, good.” She looked down, playing with the hem of her skirt. “I got to go get my bag, I left it out in the courtyard.”

“I’ll come with you. Are you mad at me?”

“No, thank you for telling me about those rumors. As long as you and my friends know the truth, I really don’t care what everyone else says.”

“Cool, good.”

***

She spent the rest of the year with her friends, George took her on flights around the grounds and they would smoke weed on the tree branch and laugh till her stomach hurt. His pranks were no longer directed at her. Instead he would leave notes in her bag or paper cranes at her desk. She studied for weeks for her O.W.Ls. When Sirius Black was spotted in the castle, her mom threatened to pull her from school. She begrudgingly accepted that Snape would keep an eye on her. Zinnia had to check in with Snape twice a day and hosting parties was impossible. She hoped that next year would be better.