Whatever she wants
No longer a danger to herself or others
She made up her mind and laced up her shoes
Yelled down the hall but nobody answered
So she walked outside without an excuse
She could do anything she wants to
She could do whatever she wants to do
She could go home, but she's not going to
So she picks a direction, it's ninety in Memphis
Turns up the music so thoughts don't intrude
Predictably winds up thinkin' of Elvis
And wonders if he believed songs could come true
Lily hadn’t seen Severus in four days since his birthday, well, she did see him, but he just avoided her, in the corridors, classes, the Great Hall, everywhere. It was like they never met, and Lily was not enjoying it, but her friends were.
"You should stop thinking about him.
"He’s my best friend, Marlene.
Even if she was in front of her and she couldn’t see her face, Lily knew she rolled her eyes, Mary shook her head.
It was a snowy afternoon, and they were in their dorm. Marlene was braiding Lily’s hair in her bed, and Mary was sitting in hers.
"You still want to be his friend?" Mary asked, looking at her. Lily sighed.
"I don’t know, it’s never going to be like it was before, isn’t it?"
"You’ll get over it," Marlene said behind her.
"I don’t want to get over it, I want what we had before.
Before seemed kind of blurred to Lily; she was thinking about all the moments she had with him. Was she sending him signs without knowing it? Was Severus understanding things wrong? Did he think all of their moments meant something else? Was she that blind?
"Forget about him, Lily.
"Or don’t, go and talk to him, you really need to talk," Mary said.
"Wait, what?" Marlene gasped, "I thought you hated him!"
"I do, but I hate more to see Lily cry about their weird friendship."
For a moment, Marlene stopped braiding her hair, and then she braided it again, more determined.
"Well, yeah, that’s bad, but Snape is an arsehole, he’s friends with Mulciber and Avery, and he once called Mary and me mudbloods.
"It was because—" Lily started to say, but she was interrupted by Marlene.
"Stop defending him, Lily, you can’t justify a thing like that.
"I know, but—but he doesn’t think like that, he’s my friend. Lily played with her fingers while she was talking. "I don’t want to fight about that with you. Can we talk about anything else?"
They had a few fights about Severus and Lily’s friendship, and she knew that some things he did were questionable, but in Lily’s thoughts, that didn’t mean that he meant them, and he only did those things when he was with Avery and Mulciber.
"Oh, yes," Marlene said, relieved. "This morning, I was running because I was late to Defence Against the Dark Arts, so I was running through the corridors to get to class, and guess who I found.
"Who?" Mary asked, looking at her with wide eyes.
Marlene waited a few seconds to respond; she was so dramatic, and she had to do the mysterious and scheming silence.
"Dorcas. Meadowes."
"Really?" Lily asked, turning her face towards her. Marlene stopped braiding her hair to tell her story.
"Yes! We crashed because I was running, so I hit her, and we both fell, and I started laughing because it was quite funny. She asked why I was laughing, and she looked so, so angry, and I couldn’t stop laughing."
Mary was more interested in Marlene’s story, so she stood up and went to the bed where the other girls were sitting, and sat beside them.
"And what happened?" she asked when Marlene didn’t continue speaking.
"Oh, she rolled her eyes at me and stood up, then she picked up her things and told me, ‘Look where you step the next time,' and she left."
"That’s it?" Lily asked with some disappointment.
She expected a funnier story, but that was a little embarrassing.
"Yes, awesome, right?"
Lily sighed and looked at Mary with one look that they both knew what it meant. Marlene and her overdramatic stories. For her, every little occurrence was the biggest adventure ever.
"You don’t like her, right? The other day you said she was weird." Mary said.
"Oh, she is. I think she hates me. You know, because when we won the first Quidditch match back in September, I said that she was cheating."
"And what did she say?" Lily asked, stunned. Dorcas wasn't like the other Slytherins, she was quiet, not because she was shy, she didn't like people, and she had a strong character, but she was never mean, and she difficulty thought that she was cheating, she always played nice.
"Nothing, I said it to James, but I think she listened it, she's always observing everybody, and then when we were going to the changing rooms, she looked at me like I killed her cat."
"Perhaps she was mad because we won?" Mary suggested. "She always looks at people with a very serious face.
Marlene shook her head and sighed dramatically while lying on the bed. She started looking at the ceiling of their bedroom.
"I think she hates everybody. Does she have friends?"
"I saw her talking to Pandora Ollivander once," Lily said.
"Right, another weirdo."
"She’s not a weirdo, Marlene. She’s just... quirky.
"Yeah, you’re right. She’s nice and gentle. She just has odd beliefs," Marlene agreed.
Talking about other people made Lily forget about Severus, and suddenly they were laughing about something that happened in class, talking about the O.W.L.s, Quidditch, and before they could notice, it was time for dinner. They started walking to the Great Hall.
Mary was telling them about a dream that she had last night, when a dark-haired boy almost collided with them when he came from a corridor.
He was about to say something, probably not something nice judging by the expression on his face, but it changed quickly as he gazed at Lily, and she realised who he was.
Severus Snape.
"Oh," Marlene said awkwardly.
"Er…" Snape scratched his neck, not knowing what to say, but he didn’t stop looking at Lily.
It was weird seeing him like that, they never really fought or something, so supposedly they were still friends, but Lily wasn’t sure what to say either.
They were just standing awkwardly, and after a moment, Severus looked down at his shoes. The girls looked at each other, thinking about what to do.
"Snape!" someone yelled his name, the voice came from the corridor at their left, the one that Severus was going to go to before they met. "Are you coming or not?"
The voice sounded like Mulciber's, but Lily wasn’t sure, the echo of the castle made the voice distorted. Severus looked up, and he sighed, relieved like he had saved his life.
"I am," he said before he started walking towards the voice rapidly.
The girls looked at each other again, with confused faces.
"Alright, that was weird," Mary said.
Lily nodded, looking where Severus went, and she saw Mulciber with him. She really wanted to talk to him. All the happiness she had that afternoon went away the moment she saw him.
"Yeah," Marlene agreed, looking worried at Lily. "Are you ok?"
"Yes," Lily responded, she had to be strong, and she’d talk to him later. "Let’s go, I’m starving."
They nodded and started to walk the same way the two boys had gone before, but they weren’t there anymore. Lily tried to change her thoughts, but it was difficult. She knew that Mary and Marlene were talking about something, but she wasn’t listening anymore.
She didn’t notice that they were in the Great Hall, and she didn’t notice when she sat on the table until someone waved their hand in front of her eyes.
"Evans? Are you still with us?"
Lily blinked and looked up. She found a confused James by her side. She wondered why she sat with him. Or maybe she was there before and it was James who sat with her, she couldn’t tell.
"Is she okay?" That was Remus. Lily looked at him, he was in front of James. Then she noticed that Sirius, Peter, Mary, and Marlene were looking at her with confused looks too.
She didn’t like the attention, she always tried to avoid it —not in class, she loved participation with interesting questions and correct answers, and right now everybody was looking at her.
"We saw Snape in the hallway," Mary said, answering Remus’ question.
The boys looked confused, of course, they didn’t know what happened the other day in Hogsmade.
"So?" Peter asked after some silence.
"So they’re not friends anymore," Marlene said.
"Really?" James smiled, turning his excited face towards Lily.
"Yes, well, no. I don’t know, it’s complicated," she admitted.
"What happened?" Remus asked.
Lily turned her face back to look at the Slytherin table, looking for Severus. When she found her sitting with Avery and Mulciber, she was looking at her too. Well, he wasn’t looking at her, actually, he was looking at James, and he did not seem happy.
Without thinking much, Lily moved away from James. She didn’t know why she did that, honestly. Then she looked at Remus to answer him. She opened her mouth, but before any word could come out of it, Marlene spoke first.
"He confessed his love to Lily, and she rejected him."
She said it like she was talking about the weather, and she ate a piece of bread. Lily felt her cheeks warm and frowned.
"No, he did not, and no, I didn’t. Yeah, he was trying to confess, but I stopped him and went with Mary to not talk about it, and we haven’t talked since then."
She looked at James, he raised his brows and looked at the Slytherin table. Then Sirius laughed, and she looked at the other boys. Peter and Remus were surprised too, but not as happy as James.
"Basically as I said, you rejected him," Marlene said when she finished eating his bread. Lily rolled her eyes and drank some water. Her throat was dry.
"Poor, poor Snivellus," Sirius sing-sang, smiling, "her best friend doesn’t love him back, how tragic. I bet he cries at night because of that. You are a heartbreaker, Evans."
Peter laughed at that, and Remus shook his head. Lily rolled her eyes again.
"James, I think you have a chance," Peter said while laughing.
"Oh, yeah, you’re right." James smiled and ran a hand through his head when he looked at Lily, who sighed, knowing what was coming. "Evans, my reason for breathing, would you want to have a date with me?"
Lily didn’t understand why he was joking at that moment, didn’t he see she was sad?
"Potter, would you stop with your stupid questions?" She said. She wasn't looking at him, instead, she was looking at her empty plate as if it was the most interesting thing she ever saw.
"Only if you say yes. You don’t like Snape, that obviously means that you like me." Lily frowned, looking at him.
"How in hell does that make sense?" Marlene said.
"I’m pretty sure it’s a rule of three,"
Remus shook his head, and Lily sighed again. "It’s not a rule of three, and I do not like you at all,"
"I bet you only say that because we’re in front of everyone," he assured.
"No, I say it because it is the truth. Can you let me eat in peace now?"
"I don’t see you eating anything. I think you’ll like the salad. They put raisins in it," he said, pointing at it.
Lily automatically tensed her body. You’ll like the salad. Lily buried that in her mind. She knew she was bigger than the other girls in their year, but she didn’t expect James to suggest eating healthier. She did eat healthy, but of course, the perfect James Potter had to make comments about her body without knowing anything about her.
She didn’t want to change herself, she was happy being who she was, but those types of comments upset her. And he had to say it in front of everybody. Hopefully, they weren’t paying attention to them, they were used to James’ jokes.
"I’m not hungry," she said, and she drank water again.
James looked at her, confused. And that made Lily more upset. How weird, the fat girl doesn’t want to eat! She was sure that was what James was thinking.
"Are you okay?" he asked, and Lily couldn’t tell if he was joking about that too or if he was serious. She chose to believe the first one. "If you’re not okay for Snape, then..."
"I’m perfectly fine, Potter, and if I weren’t okay for anyone, it would be you," she said, irritated.
"Come on, Lily, it was just a joke," Sirius said, trying to justify his friend.
Lily, tired of everyone in the hall, stood up. Again, everyone put their eyes on her.
"Well, do you see me smiling? No. Then it’s not a joke."
"Lily," James said, standing up too and trying to touch her shoulder, but she stopped him with her hand.
"Leave me alone," she said, and started walking towards the door.
She heard Mary call her name too, but she ignored it and went to an empty courtyard. Finally alone, she sighed and sat on the doorstep.
It was cold, and there was snow in the courtyard grass, but she couldn’t care less. She looked down and started to make drawings on the abow with her pointing finger. The cold was freezing it, but she didn’t stop.
A few minutes later, she heard steps coming back to her. If it was James, she was going to...
"Hey, Lily,"
Lily looked back when she heard Remus’ voice. She expected it to be Mary or Marlene instead of Remus, but she didn’t complain. He sat next to her.
"Are you okay?"
She didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to lie to him and say that he was okay, but saying that she wasn’t was worse. Anyway, Remus liked to observe people, and he knew that she wasn’t okay before he asked.
"James says that he’s sorry if what he said made you uncomfortable. He didn’t mean it to be,"
Lily tensed her jaw and looked at the white and sparkly snow. She took a deep breath.
"Of course he meant it to be," she whispered.
"No, Lily, look—"
"I don’t want to talk about him," she said, cutting him off, and he nodded.
Remus understood, he always understood her, that was one of the things that he liked about him. He was a good friend, but Lily didn’t like that he was defending James.
"Do you want a smoke?"
"What? No! For god’s sake, Remus, we’re fifteen.
"Sorry, sorry," he shook his head, "I didn’t know what to say,"
"Do you smoke?" she asked, intrigued.
"No. I mean, yeah? In the holidays, my dad left his cigar box in the car, and I kept it to give it to him later, but I forgot, and I brought it here, in my trousers, so when I was alone in my dorm, I tried one, just to know how it tasted."
"And? How was it?"
"Awful." He shook his face and chuckled. "I don’t recommend it to you, but he says that it relaxes him when he’s stressed."
Lily shook her head. She wasn’t going to smoke, she would never. And she wasn’t happy that Remus did smoke, but she was pleased that he didn’t like it and only did it once.
She remembered that once she entered Petunia's room a year ago, she found her smoking. Her sister was mad and started screaming at her. Lily screamed too, she didn’t expect that she was smoking, and she did not like it.
She didn’t know if it was tobacco or weed, but either of them were good. They fought, and Petunia closed her door in Lily’s nose, not before threatening her if she told their parents. She never did, she didn’t want another reason for Petunia to hate her.
Lily hugged her legs and put her chin on her knees. The snow wasn’t sparkling as much as it did before, the sun had set, and the moon was in its convex crescent phase. It was late, and she wondered if it was past curfew, but they were prefects, and they had patrol that night.
"Aren’t you cold?" Remus asked a few minutes later, looking at her.
"Yeah, kinda. We should start patroling."
Remus nodded, and they both stood up to patrol the corridors as usual. They didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. She liked those type of moments that she had with Remus.