You’re On Your Own, Kid
"What the actual fuck just happened?” Marlene asked as she stared at them astonished, looking from each of them before her eyes landing on Regulus who had settled himself on a couch in the studio, guitar in hand.
The studio they were in was massive with a bunch of couches they bought and even a small coffee machine in a corner. After all, they did spend most of their time in that building since not only their studio but management team worked there.
“Manic cunts are what they are.” Dorcas grinned as she clicked on the recording, playing back the song.
“Brilliant though.” Evan winked as Barty plopped down next to him and Dora draped herself across them, Her feet landing on Regulus’ arm rest.
“Is this a common occurrence?” Marlene asked Dorcas who simply snorted in response.
“Inspiration can strike at anytime Marls.” Pandora wiggled her fingers at the girl and grinned, “Besides, tonight was tame compared to the others.”
It was true. The whole band was chaotic in their own ways especially in recent years when they unlearned most of their prejudiced parents’ teachings.
Barty was as messy as they came, mostly due to him wanting to spite his parents and father especially, in almost every way. Evan was the complete opposite and a compulsive cleaner though he had the patience of a Saint, hence him and Barty practically being soulmates. They balance eachother out.
Pandora was always in another world of her own making. She was dissociative but like her brother, compulsive. Though hers manifested in new foods and mixing the most bizarre flavours together to make them taste exquisite. Regulus, like Dora, was dissociative though his was more of a sensory issue in the sense that he loved blocking people out.
All of them at one point or another, were told that they should be seen and not heard. Barty and Evan took that saying and smashed it into pieces whilst Pandora ran with it and expressed herself through her clothes and edible creations and Regulus simply took it in stride and wrote.
They were chaotic with purpose; stars spinning endlessly into their own orbit, gaining momentum from each other to create their own galaxy.
Pandora suddenly hopped off of Evan and Barty and headed for the door before turning back to Marlene, “Are you staying tonight? We usually sleep here when we record late.”
Glancing to Dorcas who gave the girl a thumbs up, Marlene nodded to Pandora who twirled around and skipped away, most likely to get their blankets from the supply closet down the hall. They had stayed in that studio so long that it practically became a second home with blankets, pillows and sometimes extra clothes.
When Pandora came back into the room, they all got comfortable. Barty and Evan had moved onto the big sofa they shared with Dora and Regulus who moved to get comfortable on the crème couch. Evan threw two large comforters over them as Cas and Marls got comfortable on their own couch with blankets.
Cas was the one to break the silence as they settled. “The Prophet wants to interview you all, specifically about the rumours and the recent songs.”
Regulus expected something like this to happen sooner or later. It was practically inevitable. It was years since the press had a ‘story’ this big about the band and specifically Regulus himself. After his third year in the industry being drama filled he simply kept his business to his tight knit group.
“We’ll do it.” Regulus said, surprising Dorcas. He was usually one to let the masses stew over their actions and let his silence add to his mystery. Or at least that's what Evan claimed.
The group beside him paused a moment before agreeing with him. They knew that this was Regulus giving them the okay to do as they wanted in the interview. They’d never hurt him but make sure everyone else involved were severely burnt.
“Onto a better note, want to tell us about your torrid love affair with my client? After all, I am his manager and could give you some date ideas.” Marls winked at Regulus and grinned as he cursed her and gave her the two finger salute.
“You’re so funny I could die of laughter.” Regulus deadpanned, making the room burst out laughing. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”
“You’re stuck with us.”
—
The next two weeks flew by in a rush of mental music notes and invasive paparazzi personnel. Whilst most of their fans didn’t pressure them and even clapped back at gossip news, there were also those who couldn’t take a hint and leave them the fuck alone.
Dorcas had advised them not to be seen too much in public this coming week as their interview with The Prophet was that Monday. In the meantime, the band professionally recorded the newer songs they performed and carried on in their usual, slightly maddening way.
“Oh for fucks sake Barty! For the last time, you cannot rip out the man’s eye from its socket!”
“But Reginald.”
“Not my fucking name Bartemius. Dora I swear to the bloody Gods, if you try to kidnap that cat I’ll never eat another plate of your pasta e fagioli ever again.”
“You’re no fun lionheart.”
“Evan control your thing or whatever the fuck Barty is.”
“Do you see how he talks to me? So mean Little star.”
“Oh piss off.”
Regulus was at his wits end at this point. They were at the grocery for fucks sake and none of them could behave like civilised adults, not to mention that it was almost ten in the bloody night. Pandora had dragged them all out on their monthly shopping trip to stock the pantry, not to mention that her boyfriend Xeno would be arriving to stay with them in their despicably large townhouse. Regulus, the calmest of the bunch with Evan a close second, was the designated mum of this trip and already done with his friends' antics.
It didn’t matter that they were supposed to be keeping a low profile until their interview with The Prophet or that any more of even a hint of unflattering press would make Dorcas either strangle or disown them, or both.
Regulus was sitting in the trolley, their list in hand with Evan slowly pushing him down the aisle to Pandora who was scouring the shelves for their usual choices of wine.
“Red or white wine this month?”
“Red to match Barty’s bloodlust.” Regulus sarcastically replied as the man in question tried to climb into the trolley with him. “Barty I swear–“
“Regulus?” They all stopped their movements and spun to look behind them at the all too familiar person.
He couldn’t catch a break could he? Of course not. He was Regulus Black, the second born, spare and eventually heir to the Black family fortune. He was cursed since birth. The Gods seemed favourable in the past years but recently it seems like his luck ran out.
“What the fuck do you want Potter?!” Barty snarled as he began to step towards the boy. Before he could get far, Regulus grabbed onto his belt loop and pulled him back. Evan moved to stand between Potter and Barty as Pandora came up on the other side of the trolley next to Evan.
“I just want to talk. Please.” Regulus couldn’t see James’ face but he could hear the pleading in the older man’s voice.
Years later, and Regulus still felt the irrational feeling of wanting to please the man. Walburga and Orion really did fuck him up. He couldn’t even form normal relationships without being dependent in some way and expecting the same from others. Hence when he first met his friends he clung to them and somehow they were as fucked as him and clung back with a force that made any therapist they saw question their profession.
But he wasn’t fourteen anymore, going crazy over the fact that James Potter spoke to him after football practice. He wasn’t fifteen giving away his first kiss to James Potter with only the stars watching. He wasn’t sixteen pouring his soul into the man, living for him and carving his life to fit his. He thought them soulmates at one point, now look where his devotion brought him.
And the funniest thing? He didn’t even know why he left. He didn’t know why he decided after all these years to talk to him again. He didn’t know why James fucking Potter was pleading with his friends to talk to him.
That being said Regulus did what he does best and pushed any inkling of emotion down to the darkest caves within himself. It was only two weeks since he last saw him. If he thought he’d get closure then, then he’d surely not get it now in the damn grocery. But Regulus knew James and he knew himself. Or rather, he thought he did.
“No.” Evan and Barty barked out the same time.
“You really have some fucking nerve coming up to us.”
“Did you suddenly forget what happened to your friend or were you hoping for a repeat.” Bart cracked his knuckles and would’ve started towards him if Pandora hadn’t grabbed the both of them.
Regulus began climbing out of the trolley and placed himself in front of his friends. Staring at James dead on, he raised his eyebrows as the man began to speak.
“I didn’t forget I just need to speak to you. I’m so fucking sorry and– ”
He was cut off by a scoff from Evan and Regulus closed his eyes for a moment before looking over to Pandora. Having a quick, silent discussion Dora reluctantly nodded. She knew him inside and out, she was as much of his platonic soulmate as Evan and Barty were romantic ones, hence she quickly squeezed his hand before grabbing the others.
“Fine, let's go Potter.” Regulus murmured, looking past James to see someone coming down the aisle.
“What?!?”
“Really?”
“Regulus!”
“Let him.” Pandora had noticed the person too and shushed them as the person passed before she began ushering them away but not before she turned to Regulus and hummed, “We’ll meet you there okay?”
Regulus nodded. There was a small cafe that opened until midnight and was right around the corner that they frequented. It was private and fortunately for him, he knew the owner and night shift employee.
Not even looking back to see if James was following him, Regulus exited the grocery and made his way to the homely cafe. The tiny bell above the door rang as he entered then rang again as James caught up to him, not a bag in hand.
“Reg!” The bubbly girl at the counter grinned at him as he made his way to the counter, “What’s the poison of the night?”
“Three shots of espresso and one of your croissants please, buttered.”
“Horrid night?” The girl hummed as she turned to the coffee machine. She was used to his insane caffeine addiction and usually added in an extra croissant that she claimed would help with the overload of caffeine. Of course Regulus would always tip her generously, after all she did put up with his band stumbling in just before midnight looking for a snack.
“Try long fucking month.” Regulus commented and saw James shift uncomfortably in his periphery making him roll his eyes.
“Ooh, yea I heard but don’t worry it will get better like it always does. You’re Regulus Black after all.” Eleanor, as Regulus learned her name to be years ago, winked at him before she noticed James standing just behind him.
“Oh sorry sir, Welcome to Armortentia, what can I get you this fine evening?”
“Oh no, I’m good thank you.” James sheepishly replied, making Regulus roll his eyes again before fishing out some pounds out of his pocket.
“He’ll take a camomile with two sugars and a spot of milk and add in one of your blueberry muffins please.” Eleanor quirked a brow but simply hummed and went along with the order whilst Regulus turned and headed for his usual seat at the back of the cafe by the window.
James of course followed him and sat opposite so that they had no choice but to face eachother. James of course was the first to break the unsettled silence, “You remembered.”
Regulus’ eye almost twitched as he watched the other man’s expression shift through an array of emotions, none of which Regulus wanted to truly discover at the moment.
“I remember a lot of things.”
James nodded before opening his mouth before snapping it shut and looking down at his hands. A moment passed between them with Regulus staring at him and James seeming to sort out his thoughts. Their coffee and tea respectively was placed before them with their pastries. With a quick smile Eleanor went back behind the counter and raised the volume on the radio just enough to provide them with as much privacy one could get in the little shop.
Taking a sip of his coffee Regulus began, “Why?”
“Pardon?” James asked, confused as he met Regulus’ eyes. Whiskey ambers met with a devastating grey.
“Why? Why now? Why talk to me after all these years? Why even come here?”
“Regulus…” James' eyes grew glassy as if he was the one left hurt and alone.
“No. You left me there James. You left without an explanation. You and your friends just packed up and left. You left me.” Regulus hissed out as his hands gripped his cup. His face was as calm as the sea with a storm brewing just off coast.
“I left you? You left me Regulus! You left me for them. We took a break and you fucking ran back to them. You chose them over me. ” James, for all he was sunshine and a people pleaser, was giving as good as he got.
But James wasn’t finished, he clenched his fists and looked Regulus in the eye, “ That was what I thought until Marlene dragged us to your concert months ago and you talked about your only family being the ones on stage. You were so fucking open with what happened in that house and suddenly the Regulus I had in my head for so long was no longer you.”
“I knew you were famous, you know. Hard not to since Moony is big out there. I just couldn’t bring myself to look you up. It hurt too fucking much. You were taboo in our house for the longest while. You had left Sirius to suffer that night and– ”
Regulus snapped and cut James off as he began to laugh mirthlessly, “Left him? I left him? You’re a fool if you believed that James Potter. I wasn’t even fucking there when he left. Did you know that? That’s what Sirius was talking about that night right?” James stayed silent as Regulus scoffed. “Of course. And then Sirius ran to you and told you what Walburga told him right. Let me guess she said I was selfish and only cared about myself? She said I was hiding somewhere in that bloody house did she? But of course the one time he’d actually believe the hag was when it was something against me right.”
Regulus was silently fuming as he sipped his coffee. He didn’t have to even look at James for him to know the older boy finally got it, he heard his sharp inhale.
“I was planning on leaving. Did you know that? I was at Barty’s that night because it was the same day you told me you couldn’t love me in the dark. I had decided that night I was done. I called Narcissa and we planned on all of us running away somewhere. All I needed was to talk to Sirius and we’d run. I’d planned it all then suddenly I went to Grimmauld the next day and any hope I had died.”
Regulus ran his hands through his curls and pulled slightly, welcoming the feeling of something else rather than his inner turmoil. Leaning back in his chair he lifted his gaze to James to see the tears flowing freely from his eyes.
“You know the worst part of that day James?” Regulus waited until he shook his head before continuing, “The worst part was when I saw you kissing the girl you’ve loved since the first day you met her. I had stopped by the restaurant you and your lot frequented to see you and ask about the missing brother.”
Regulus chuckled self-depreciatingly as he remembered that day, the day he gave up.
“I was so fucking stupid and I couldn’t even blame you for loving her. If you were the sun then she was the sky and I was just the outsider unfortunate enough to get a glimpse.”
James had brought his hands to his face and Regulus watched as the man tried his hardest to hold it together though tears seemed to stream down his face nonetheless. It was with a strange detachment that he looked on.
Some part of Regulus thought that this would make him feel vindicated and gleeful. He wasn’t though. As he watched his first love cry Regulus couldn’t help but press his nails into his arms so he wouldn’t jump across the table and comfort the man.
James Potter always saw love through a childish lens. He saw his parents’ easy, soul consuming love that radiated warmth and a sense of homecoming. He saw love as something to be celebrated and cherished. That being said, James never knew love could hurt so good yet end so bad.
When he saw Regulus by some chance in the grocery he knew he had to talk to him after the incident with Sirius. James was so bloody confused just as much as he was angry and hurt. He was so confused after he listened to Moony tell him a story which he heard from Marlene and Dorcas. A story about a boy and his group of friends who made it big time after all the abuse they endured.
He was angry at Sirius for what he said to Regulus that night not so long ago. And he was hurt as Regulus told him a tale that they all seemed to get twisted. James felt like he fell down the rabbit hole and didn’t know if he was Alice or the mad hatter.
Which was which?
James took deep breaths and calmed himself before looking at Regulus who gazed out the window, jaw clenched. They had so much to say to eachother. So many things to talk about that happened when they were younger and oh so stupid.
For the first time in his life, James Potter felt helpless. This wasn’t how he imagined their conversation would go, hell de didn’t even expect to talk to the you get boy; no man. Regulus Black was a man now, a startling surprise of a man. James was about to spout out apologies after apologies but the man before him spoke first.
“I don’t blame you or Sirius for protecting yourselves. I don’t blame him for leaving and I don’t blame you for the breakup.” Regulus paused and James so wanted to cut him off but he bit his tongue as he saw the man sit up to look at him.
“But I blame you both for listening to that woman. I tried so hard to be someone good for Sirius to be proud of or for you to love. I'm not him anymore and I will never be. In another life where you didn’t poison yourselves to just the thought of me, we’d be happy and we’d be just as free.” Regulus began to get up, wrapping his pastries in some napkins before he began to head for the door.
Panicking James blurted out the only thing he could think of in panic, “ I yelled at him.”
Regulus paused and seemed to hesitate before tilting his head but never turning around. Taking this as a sign James stood up and slowly continued, “After what he said I haven’t really spoken to him since. Moony tore into him too and Peter agreed. I'm sorry Reg. I'm so fucking sorry for everything.”
He could see Regulus' hands clench along with his jaw but he had to get it out now before Regulus left and rightfully never came back, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You deserved, still deserve so much more than what I gave you. I’m so sorry Regulus.”
“You gave me everything but your trust James, and that’s what hurt.”
“I’ll take anything you can give me, please, just…just let me make it up to you.” James blurted out as he reached for Regulus’ hand who pulled away from him as he turned around.
James didn’t know he was full on crying until Regulus raised his hand to wipe his tears before suddenly dropping it. “Goodbye James.”
He thought Regulus would quickly leave the cafe and never look back and while he did indeed not look back at James, he stopped at the counter and whispered something to the girl before disappearing out the door. He was alone in the cafe besides the girl now, left standing looking at the door where the once love of his life left.
As James sat back down he placed his head in his hands and cried, not caring that the girl working the cafe was scrutinising him.
The music suddenly grew a bit louder and echoed throughout the little cafe which in turn made James raise his head. He was met with the girl who had suddenly appeared at his table, taking the now vacated seat.
“Here.” She handed James a piece of paper before bringing her fingers to her lips when he was about to speak and said, “Shut up and listen.”
“Summer went away
Still, the yearning stays”
A familiar voice sung as James’ heart began to beat faster. He recognised it as a song from Regulus and his band. Oh how he was fucked.
“I didn't choose this town
I dream of getting out
There's just one who could make me stay
All my days”
James listened to the soft voice and tried to blink back tears. Was this his punishment for his blind faith and stupidity?
“I see the great escape
So long, Daisy May
I picked the petals, he loves me not”
He always knew Reg was a writer. That’s how they bonded so well. While James had such an active mind that he just had to write, Regulus wrote to express what he couldn’t verbalise.
“From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes
I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this
I hosted parties and starved my body
Like I'd be saved by a perfect kiss”
But of course Reg would be the storyteller in song. His voice was too beautiful for him not to be. James felt lost in his voice, a high he used to indulge in. He felt like an addict relapsing.
“So make the friendship bracelets
Take the moment and taste it
You've got no reason to be afraid”
James opened the little sticky note and couldn’t help but give a watery smile. In black ink, written was the number for one Regulus Black. Perhaps he had a chance after all.
Oh how Moony would chastise him for that thought and Peter would call him delusional. Maybe he was.
“You're on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this
You're on your own, kid
You always have been”