You Could Be My Baby

Three pm rolled round and Sirius still hadn’t reappeared, and Remus could still hear muffled sobs through the ceiling. He may not know much about children, but he could remember when primary school ended, so he scribbled a note to Sirius and left it on the table, before searching through the drawers until he found a spare set of keys, and setting off.

“Moony!” Harry sprinted out of the school gates when he saw Remuds standing there, a head above all of the mums and even some of the dads gathered at the school gates, waiting for their kids. Harry jumped and Remus caught him easily, swinging him around and grinning before he became aware of all the stares of the little kids around him, looking at him like he hung the moon.

“He’s so tall!” one kid whispered, and Remus blushed, before striding away from the school gates.

“How was school, pup? Get into any trouble?”

“Nuh Uh!” Harry protested indignantly, clinging to Remus’ shoulders and refusing to walk on his own. “I got given a gold star today because I listened good!”

“Good lad.” Remus nodded appreciatively. “Hey, wee man. How’s about you and I go to the cinema? Sirius is still on his top secret mission, and there’s a new minions film I really want to see…”

Harry wriggled so much in excitement Remus accidentally dropped him, but the small boy landed on his feet anyway and ran around Remus in circles chanting. Remus rolled his eyes fondly and grabbed Harry’s hand, leading him to the bus stop. They got the bus into town and Remus had to spend the whole ride guarding the stop button from Harry’s smacking hands.

After the film, which Remus enjoyed thoroughly but would never admit, he took Harry out for burgers and watched as Harry took a huge bite of his kiddie sized burger and squirted ketchup all over his nice clean school jumper.

“Ron and Hermy won’t believe this! They’re doing silly homework sheets and I’m hanging out with you!” Harry looked like Christmas and his birthday had come all at once.

Fuck, homework. Shit. Remus forgot that childcare included real responsibilities.

“Alright cub, hometime.” Remus said when they’d finished eating. His tiredness was starting to catch up to him and the walk was long, full of Harry acting as all five year olds do, and Remus finding he doesn’t really have the energy for it. He tried his best, mustering up enthusiastic ‘oh yeah?’s’ whenever Harry pointed out something so desperately mundane. He had to remind himself that Harry was five, and the big truck he was pointing out was probably only the tenth he had ever seen, and that is pretty cool.

They approached Sirius’ house, and all the lights were off. Making a snap decision, Remus took Harry into his house and settled him at the kitchen table with a mug of warm milk and a fool's barter that he’d make Harry as much hot chocolate as he could drink if he let Remus wash his jumper and he sat quietly to do his homework sheets.

He hung Harry’s jumper on the radiator in his bedroom and it looked comically small. It was nearing seven thirty by this time, and Remus had had to sit next to Harry and walk him through three pages of simple addition and spelling, which the boy struggled with more than Remus expected him to. He wondered if Harry was perhaps dyslexic. He then made the promised saucepan of hot chocolate, but he used cocoa powder and less than half the sugar he usually used for himself, and Harry was so tired from the excitement of the day he only managed half a small mug before his eyes were beginning to close on their own. There was still no sight nor sound of Sirius, and Remus decided giving Harry his bed for a night was likely the lesser evil of entering Sirius’ home and potentially having Harry see something he wasn’t supposed to.

“Come on, cub.” Remus muttered, picking Harry up and settling him against his chest, walking up the stairs. Harry tucked his face into Remus’ neck and suddenly Remus’ lifelong stance that fatherhood wasn’t for him was changed in a heartbeat. Harry’s skin was soft and he smelt of eczema cream and Remus marvelled at how right it felt to hold a child in his arms, and know that he was keeping Harry safe.
He got Harry out of his pyjamas and into one of Remus’ old t-shirts, which pooled on the floor around Harry’s feet, but it would have to do. He tucked Harry into bed, who fell straight asleep.

Remus, ready for bed now himself despite the early hour, donned his own pyjamas and curled up on the unmade bed in the master bedroom, and passed straight out.
*
He was awoken, disoriented and discombobulated, by gentle but insistent knocking at the door. He desperately hoped whoever it was wasn’t going to disturb Harry, who would likely already be over-tired and grumpy for school tomorrow.

“Sirius.” Of course, who else could it be, stood on his doorstep, shivering in only a t-shirt and paint-stained jeans. Remus stood aside and let him in, leading him into the kitchen. He set about re-heating the left over hot chocolate and topping up the sugar, as he waited for Sirius to speak.

“So, I have a brother.” Sirius was gripping his mug so hard his knuckles were standing out. There were visible knots in the hair that was falling out of the messy bun balanced on his head. He sighed, staring out of the window into Remus’ overgrown garden, even though it was so dark none of the garden was visible. Remus had thought it was late but on checking his phone he realised it was only ten pm. “He’s twenty two. I think. Like, three years younger than me? I know his birthday but not the year. Is that bad of me? Probably. Anyway.”

Sirius paused again, refusing to look Remus in the face. He took a drink, swallowing slowly.

“I’ll start from the beginning. When I was sixteen I got kicked out of my house. My mother had walked in on me kissing my history tutor- another boy from my school- and her and my father beat me black and blue and cast me into the streets. James, Harry’s dad, he took me in. his parents became my parents. He became my brother. But I had left my blood brother behind. In that house.”

Sirius drew in a ragged breath, and Remus could see tears lining his eyes.

“Only- he wasn’t my brother then. He was my sister, and he was perfect. He did everything my parents asked of him, got top marks in school, never broke the rules. Not like me- I went full rebel as a teenager. Did everything to piss my parents off. And Reg was just so- he was like this cookie-cutter perfect child? And the more I rebelled the more he conformed and it caused a rift between us. I could sense this…. Sadness about him, but I just assumed it was the house we grew up in, right. I didn’t know- could never have guessed.”

A pause.

“And then I left. And Reg became the heir, and everything became worse because to have a girl as an heir wasn’t proper. My parent’s first born being a son was one of their greatest achievements, but then they cast me out and they had to make do with the spare. They forbade all contact between us- I tried. for years, I tried. I’d go by the house when I knew our parents were at work and try to talk to him, but he refused.”

Another pause. Sirius started crying. Remus wasn’t sure what to do, so he just sat in silence, waiting.

“Well, turns out we can’t pretend to be perfect forever, and Reg- our mother found hospital documents about gender affirming care, about his plans for transition- he had been waiting until he had an independent job and earned enough to move out it seems, but…”

Sirius stopped again, so Remus kept waiting. He hadn’t said a word since Sirius came in.

“Well. Our mother found it all. But she couldn’t cast Reg out, couldn’t lose him the way she lost me, or she’d have no heirs at all, so she trapped him. Caged him. Called up and cancelled the appointments, lost him all the progress he had made. Went through his things and took any binders, any gender affirming clothing, any trousers, all of it. So Reg… Reg tried to kill himself.”

Another pause. Sirius’ tears were flowing freely, and Remus could feel his own start to form.

“Reg tried to kill himself and our housekeeper called him an ambulance as our mother washed her hands of him, and he gave my name as his next of kin when he got to hospital so the a&e of the salisbury hospital called me in the middle of the fucking night last night, and I had to drive all the way there to go and collect my brother who I have not spoken to since I was sixteen fucking years old, and now he is in my house, bandages up to his elbows, and I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.”

Sirius wasn’t looking at Remus, but staring into his empty mug. His shoulders were shaking as he cried, and Remus broke for the image before him. Sirius had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he had lost more than most. Remus didn’t know what to do, but he knew it was late.

“You’re going tae go tae bed.” he said, raising his eyebrows when Sirius looked up and stared at him, anger and sadness warring in his narrowed eyes.

“Bed. it's late, you’re tired. Harry’s up in mine, you can join him. If someone needs to keep an eye on Reg, I can go and sleep on your sofa, but I have work tomorrow, mind. So you are going tae go tae bed, and get some sleep, and we can start to figure this out in the morning, alright?”

“We?” Sirius whispered. Remus ignored it. His anger at Sirius, though pushed aside for the sake of emergency, was still very much there. He was helping Sirius because Sirius needed help, but it didn’t mean all was forgiven, or that Remus would want anything to do with Sirius when everything calmed down. (this was a bald-faced lie, he knew he’d want something to do with Sirius. It was just a question of what, and whether Sirius was going to go cold turkey on him again. Remus wouldn’t be able to bear that happening twice.)

When Sirius was curled around Harry’s sleeping body, Remus sighed and took himself back over to Sirius’ house, and tucked his oversized limbs into the sofa there. He could picture Gran shaking her head at him and smiling, saying he was too kind for his own good. He fell asleep to the memory of her eyes, and the soft way they had looked at him.