Forbidden Whispers

2nd September 1996

The Hogwarts Express was quieter this year, the number of first years had dwindled and parents were pulling students out over the rumors of Voldemort’s numbers rising. Hermione saw a few familiar faces as she walked through the carriages looking for Harry and Ron. She’d spent the first half of the journey figuring out what to say, but she’d come up with nothing and decided it was best to improvise and get it over with now. The anticipation of seeing them both after mid-June was making her hands clam up and she felt jittery with nerves, Harry had stopped writing back a few weeks into Summer and she’d barely heard a thing from Ron. If it wasn’t for Ginny’s occasional letters, she would’ve assumed he’d fallen off the face of the planet.

After the incident to retrieve the prophecy, Ron had gone mental at her for going “rogue” and Harry blamed himself for the death of Sirius after he and Remus came to their aid. Ginny said he and Ron spent the whole summer researching horcruxes and trying to track the rest of them down. Harry had become even more consumed by the hunt to bring Voldemort down, Ginny said she sometimes heard him talking about it in his sleep. It stung, that they had both just shut her out. She knew Ron wasn’t taking the rejection well, but she never imagined they would both push her out like this. Harry had warned her to handle it gently, but she wasn’t responsible for Ron’s reaction and she sure as hell wasn’t going to let his damaged ego ruin their friendship. Harry was her best friend too, she was disappointed with him for not having her back the way he always did with Ron. Hermione approached the end of the corridor and slowed as she heard whispering in the end carriage.

“She needs to be kept out of this, it’ll only complicate things.”

“I don’t know Ron, she’s smarter than the two of us put together. We need her, we’ve barely come up with anything these past months.”

“I won’t do it, Harry. I can’t be around her like this.”

“Don’t ask me to cho-“

Hermione had heard enough, she opened the carriage door and walked in shutting it behind her. The boys had gone silent and Harry smiled sheepishly up at Hermione. Ron turned his head and focused his attention out the window as Hermione sat down.

“Glad to see you’re both alive then.”

Hermione sat back and tried to appear as confident as she could, fixing her robes as she got comfortable.

“Hermione, it’s good to see you. I’m sorry I haven’t written back, it’s been a really busy summer, I”

“It’s fine Harry, I’m just glad you’re OK.” Hermione paused, “Are either of you going to tell me what you’ve been up to? Or do I have to hear about it all from Ginny?”

Ron screwed his face up but continued looking out the window. “Ginny shouldn’t be getting herself involved, it’s none of her business.”

“Ron, stop mate.” Harry sighed.

Ron whipped his head around to look at Hermione now. “No. I won’t, you’ve no right to come barging in here and demanding answers like we owe you anything!”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?!” Voice rising, Hermione could feel her composure slipping. Fine, he wanted to have it out. Let him try.

“It means, Hermione” Ron spat her name like it tasted foul. “It means, you haven’t been here! You all but signed our death warrants the moment you pulled that stupid stunt. Sirius is dead! And you strut in here, all high and mighty, and expect us to answer your every bloody question like you deserve it.” He scoffed.

“Ron that’s not fair! Hermione isn’t to blame for that, and you know it.” Harry argued back.

Hermione blinked, he blamed her for that.

“How could you possibly believe that, Ron?! I stuck to the plan! We had to get Harry out no matter what – Remember? I didn’t see you come up with anything helpful!”

“We’re doing this without you Hermione, we’ve already arranged it all. Spent all summer sorting it.”

“How could you shut me out like this?” Hermione was stunned, they had both decided then. She expected a bit of backlash from Ron, but Harry too?

Harry looked guilty as he winced and said “Ron’s not completely wrong Hermione, we need someone to stay at Hogwarts. There are rumors of something going on there, the death-eaters are up to something.” Harry swallowed “We thought it would be best you stayed there. Kept an eye on things. We’re going to continue the hunt for the Horcruxes during term time, we can’t afford to wait.”

“So, you expect me to stay at Hogwarts and act like nothing is going on? People will notice you’re both missing. Honestly, you can’t both believe you will get away without someone noticing?!”

“We know, it’s not solid. But we don’t have much choice, Ginny and Neville have agreed to cover for us for the first few weeks. They’re going to say we both contracted Spattegroit next week. Enough time to show our faces first.”

“And in the meantime, you expect me to do what exactly?! Pretend everything’s fine? Stay on death-eater watch?!” Hermione’s voice started rising. She hadn’t realized just how much thought had gone into excluding her.

“You’re an expert in pretending everything’s fine Hermione, just do what you always do.” Ron sniped.

Hermione looked at Harry to find he was looking down at his feet, not getting involved as usual. She turned on Ron and stood, she’d heard enough. If Ron wanted to sulk and push her away, then fine. She didn’t need either of them anyway.

“Go fuck yourself Ron, I’m sorry I didn’t want to kiss you! But this is low, even for you!!”

The train was pulling into the station as Hermione slammed the carriage door open and stormed out, she could hear Ron muttering to Harry but ignored them both. She kept walking to the front carriage. Not caring that she pushed into people, or that Ginny was calling her name. She needed to get off, now. Hermione felt tears form in her eyes, she tried furiously to blink them away as she made it to the doors and stormed towards the gates.
She must not have been paying attention because one minute she was striding towards Filch and the next she ran straight into the back of someone’s robes. Not someone, of course Theo fucking Nott turned around and plastered the dirtiest look on his face he could muster. His eyes glinted with excitement as he was inevitably going to try and piss her off even more. Hermione tried to sidestep him completely, but he blocked her. “Filthy mudblood, I’ve not been in these robes all of 10 minutes, and now I’m going to have to change them.” Examining his sleeve with disgust, he looked up and smirked, clearly pleased with himself as the rest of the Slytherins started laughing. She was certain she heard Malfoys chuckle too, but she didn’t turn around to see, she just wanted to be alone. That was one reunion that could wait. Hermione felt a rush of anger and the all too familiar pounding creep it’s way behind her eyes as she shouted, “Get Fucked Nott” and started marching back to the gates towards Hogwarts. Not quickly enough though to miss the shock on Nott’s face at her sudden outburst. The Slytherins were “oo-ing” and laughing at Theo behind her and she heard him tell them to “Shut up.”

Hermione finally made it to her dorm; she’d been made Head Girl this year which came with extra responsibility, but also its privileges. She got to stay in the private apartment-style prefect’s dorm room, in the Gryffindor Tower, equipped with a private ensuite and kitchen. She felt a pang in her chest as she remembered getting the letter informing her last week, she was so excited to tell Harry and even Ron, she supposed they would find out soon enough when she wasn’t in the common room or sharing with Ginny this year. Hermione had hoped they could all come up here in the evenings, make hot chocolates, and play their music as loud as they wanted.
Walking around the sitting area, Hermione ran her hand along the worn red sofas and admired the cozy lit fireplace. There was a rather shabby rug under the coffee table, which broke up the wooden flooring nicely. Two bookshelves stood on either side of the fireplace, from a quick look Hermione knew she had read most of the books and decided that she would spend some time on the weekend, sorting through them all and unpacking her own. She made her way to the far end of the dorm and looked out of the arched window with a wooden desk placed below, the sun was just setting over the trees of the forest. Painting the sky shades of red, orange, pink and blue. Hermione realized that the first year’s sorting ceremony would be starting soon. It wouldn’t be a good start to her Head Girl duties if she was late for the first one. She needed to start getting ready. She strode over to the bathroom, it wasn’t huge. But it did have a claw-footed tub and a small window. It’ll be nice to have some privacy, the one thing she missed most at Hogwarts was the luxury of enjoying a good book in a bubble bath. Approaching the sink, Hermione noticed her reflection in the mirror. She’d definitely looked better, her under eyes had a purplish tinge. Her eyes were bloodshot and her hair as usual looked like a bird’s nest. Hermione ran her hands under the cold water and splashed her face a few times. Looking back in the mirror she pulled out her wand and tamed her curls. Putting it in a half-up style to keep the flyaways from her face. Somewhat satisfied, she walked into the adjoining bedroom and found her luggage neatly placed by the side of the double bed. Reaching into her carry-on bag she pulled out her head girl pin and placed it onto her robes. She took one last look at the comfy bed, with its crisp white sheets, wishing she could crawl in and hide under the covers for the rest of the evening, and made her way down to the Great Hall.

Despite the declining number of students this year, the halls were teeming with people. It was an effort to get past and Hermione could feel herself getting overwhelmed by the noise and lack of space, mixed in with a spectacularly shit sleeping schedule, it was safe to say she was mentally exhausted. She moved quickly towards the entrance of the Great Hall, as she spotted Ron talking to Harry and Neville in the crowd of students. Ron turned just in time to look straight through her, no doubt pretending she wasn’t there at all. She would have believed it had his eyes not lingered on her Head Girl pin, a flicker of something like surprise passed over his features before he turned his back and continued his conversation with the boys. Like she’d never been there at all. Hermione felt her anger resurface, just as she spotted Nott and Zabini headed towards her. She decided then and there that she didn’t have the tolerance for this right now, the Head Girl and Boy were expected to accompany McGonagall in organizing the students for their sorting ceremony, but she would understand if Hermione was experiencing one of her headaches again.

Hermione didn’t know where she was going, she stopped thinking and let her feet take her down and straight out the main doors. It was dark out now, and the night air smelled crisp and sweet. It was considerably colder than it was earlier, and Hermione could see her breath clouding the air. It felt like hours, but Hermione kept walking, kept moving, and tried to clear her mind of the shit show that was today. But it didn’t stop the overwhelming feeling of sadness creeping in, settling in the cracks of her composure. She hadn’t realized she was crying until she was heaving so hard, she had to stop walking. She had come down to the edge of the Black Lake, the moonlight reflected off the surface casting a brilliant blue/white light on the trees. Hermione walked over to the water and sat down close enough so that she could dip her fingers in. The lake was freezing, if she kept her fingers in long enough the pain made it impossible to think of anything else. It was comforting in a way, to only focus on the biting cold water. She sat there for several moments, allowing herself to cry and not being ashamed to admit that she just missed her friends. Ron had made it very clear at the beginning of the summer how he felt, and Hermione thought she might feel the same way. But after a rather drunken kiss on the last day of term at the Three Broomsticks, Hermione realized it was more a childhood crush than real love. She confided in Harry not long after and he wanted her to tiptoe around Ron’s feelings, as if his were more important. She tried to let him down gently, but when he went in for another kiss, she couldn’t help but instinctively recoil. She told him how she felt, but Ron didn’t take it well. He accused her of stringing him along, playing with his feelings, and being selfish. Hermione wanted him to understand that their friendship meant too much to her and that her feelings weren’t strong enough to risk it, but he wouldn’t listen. Ron never was good with rejection. They managed to work together in Order meetings up until the prophecy mission. Hermione guessed it was inevitable that she would be painted the villain in Ron’s story and Harry could never navigate their conflict well. It always ended up with Hermione being punished. Hermione’s mind wandered off to the night of the Prophecy mission, she still couldn’t figure out how she ended up at the burrow. It felt like a dream, well a nightmare. Malfoy was there, but was he really? She had experienced prolonged exposure to the Crutiatus curse, the side effects were brain fog, hallucinations, and in worst cases, insanity. She couldn’t be sure that it even was Malfoy, which was precisely why she hadn’t told anyone else about the encounter. Not until she could be sure she was right. Hermione had spent hours researching the curse and the effects it could have on her body, like the constant nightmares and headaches she experienced, not to mention the phantom pain of the curse when she was especially stressed.

The crack of apparition tore Hermione away from her thoughts. Dumbledore had warded the grounds, but she must’ve been closer than she thought to the border. Hermione stood silently and crept towards the sound, peering through the trees, she saw two people pacing back and forth by what Hermione assumed were the outskirts of the protection wards. As she got closer, she realized they were death eaters. Crabbe and Blaise’s fathers, she recognized them from the files they kept at the Orders safehouse. They started firing spells at the protective wards. Hex’s shot into the barrier and bounced off, Hermione had full faith in Dumbledore’s spells, but it didn’t stop her from backing away.

“If we can’t figure it out, he sure as hell doesn’t have a chance and to think he almost gave the smug prick the dark mark in June.”

“If Malfoys runt earns the dark mark before my boy, I’ll transfigure myself a tail and join the circus” Laughing, they continued trying to find flaws in the barrier.

“Not likely, my boys been given the task this time. We’ll be in before we know it and You-Know-Who will give him the dark mark before the term is over.” Blaise’s father boasted.

She needed to leave before they saw her, Hermione turned as silently as she could and headed back to Hogwarts, she needed to let McGonagall know that death eaters were trying to find a way in.

Hermione had lost track of time, the Sorting Ceremony had long since finished and there wasn’t a single student in the hallways. She headed straight to the Gryffindor common room hoping Ginny might still be awake, but it was empty. The fire was reduced to embers and it was silent, Hermione wasn’t sure of the time but she’d likely get no sleep again tonight. Hermione walked towards the stairway leading to her dorm, when she heard someone entering the common room.

“Hermione is that you?” Harry whispered as he poked his head through the door. Hermione turned and faced Harry.

“Harry, hi. Sorry if I woke you.” Harry looked concerned and walked over to Hermione.

“I was worried when we didn’t see you at the Sorting Ceremony, are you all right?”

“Can we talk?”

Harry followed Hermione up to her dorm and sat down on the larger sofa, Hermione lit the fire back up and plopped herself down on the sofa opposite.

“Hermione, I’m sorry about what happened earlier. It came out all wrong, you know how Ron gets.”

“I know.” Hermione sighed “I guess I didn’t expect it to last this long, I thought he would’ve been over it by now.”

“He’s just going to take a bit of time, give him space. He’ll come around.”

Hermione gave Harry a half smile, she wasn’t so sure about that. “There’s something I need to tell you.”