He shouldn’t be here. He knows that he shouldn’t be here. Every part of his being has told him what a horrible idea this is. Has he listened to his common sense? No, because he’s here anyway. He’s not even invited to be here for Salazers sake. And yet, he couldn’t pass up the opportunity. He had to come. There was no way he wasn’t going to James Potter and Lily Evans wedding. Lily never ended up inviting him, not because she knows, she doesn’t, Regulus is positive of it. But simply because he’s not close to her. Or James or any of them anymore.
This is a mistake. His mind repeats. As he managed to sneak in to the place where the wedding is taking place. So far no one has seen him. He’s managed to avoid everyone who knows him, he even went as far as hiding in a curtain. Which is ridiculous, if you ask him.
He heard voices coming from one of the doors, as he’s walking through the hall of the building, Lily Evans and her parents had been inside. Gushing about how she looked. He had managed to see by the silver of opening by the door, he had to force himself to move. To not do anything irrational like barging in and having them all look at him in confusion and most importantly surprise, it would simply blow his cover of not being seen.
He’s not even sure himself why he’s here. He has an inkling why but he’s choosing to ignore it, choosing to stay in ignorance while it’s plain to anyone who truly knows him why he would be here.
There’s been a few times where he had bumped into the other marauders. The name James Potter and his friend group have been nicknamed since forever by everyone else.
The whole wedding is taking place in this building that he’s walking through, the same building that he’s somehow managed to successfully sneak into.
All of it is very grand and big. Fancy and screaming for attention everywhere you look. His mind declares how wrong it all is. His heart knows this is not the type of wedding you wanted. You wanted a small gathering, somewhere in nature. Where the sunset could be seen clearly on a river. You said we were like the scenery it painted. Always saying that I reminded you about the ocean, how it made you feel just like I would tell you how you reminded me of the sun. But this? all of this? It’s not right. I just see tiny glimpses of you. There’s not enough of you here for your special day. Why isn’t there enough of you?
I see the red chairs where the guest will sit after hidden beneath the white linen. The tiny sun symbols embedded in the curtains.
The sunflowers that were included among the lilies in an arch where you’ll stand and become a married man. Which causes my heart to burn at the thought. Every second I spend seeing how you’re hidden in these decorations, begging to be seen and heard.
I just, it makes me want to tell you that I’m here, that I see you. So why don’t you see me anymore.
He has to take deep breaths and uses the bathroom where he’ll hide out for a bit. As time ticks down, getting closer to when you’ll need to stand at the alter. He can hear as people pass by, once or twice a person has gone to the bathroom to use one of the other stalls.
He’s rethinking this, perhaps it is best that he leave. He’s unsure if he’ll be able to stand it. Watch as it all unfolds. See and Hear as James Potter and Lily Evans get married. As Lily goes from Evans to Potter.
As red haired Lily, with the forest green eyes, fiery personality and the most perfect match for James, ends up marrying him.
With a shaky exhale and some borrowed courage from the sun, he exits his stall to blend in with the people entering the church like room. The room seats about 200 people if he had to guess, all in rows like you would see in a church, he smiles politely back at other guests that are happy to witness the soon to be married couple.
With each forced smile and fake front for others, he feels his heart break more and more, piece by piece. As he’s blending in as row by row keeps filling up. Naturally soft music starts to play as people wait, he’s found himself sat near the back few rows by the left side, in case he needs a quick escape. His mind was rather adamant about this but his heart knows that it’s unnecessary, probably.
He can see a lady with a clipboard counting the amount of people, the confused expression on her face. Watches as she walks away through the doors and ends up bringing Peter Pettigrew with her back through them into the room. Sees her take Peter where she had been a few minutes before. Regulus thinks her name might be Sybil, but he’s not too sure. He was never that good at remembering faces after all, especially those that he never really paid much mind to.
Continues to watch as the confused expression is replicated on Peters face too. Visibly sees Peter start to count each individual person, Regulus starts to panic a bit just when he sees Peter spot him, the confusion on his face turning to understanding. He doesn’t understand why but he sees as Peter tells Maybe Sybil that everything’s fine. With a not too subtle glance his way, at least to him, continues to see as Sybil points her pen to something on her clipboard.
Watches as Peter gives her a charming grin, whispers something into her ear by leaning in and covering his face into her hair. Is amused to see a shocked expression on her face before she swats Peter away on his arm, lightly shoving him in the process as they both chuckle about something, until she shoos him away with the go away hand gestures.
Regulus does not miss the way Peter looks back at him as he goes to disappear out the doors, Peter gives him a tiny sympathetic smile that churns his stomach as the older boy gives him a nod, eventually walking through the doors once again.
He ends up letting go of the breath, he hadn't realized he was holding in. So fucking grateful for Peter Pettigrew.
Soon enough a song that James definitely didn’t choose and rather reminds him of a death march starts playing. He watches as tiny Neville, maybe three years old now, throws petals down the aisle, as coos are being heard scattered around directed at him. He did not miss the fact how the petals used to belong to sunflowers. Remus Lupin follows shortly after with a singular sunflower in hand. Everyone’s standing up watching them walk in so as Remus takes his place, Peter follows right after with another sunflower in hand to stand right in front of Remus by the left side of the rows. Sirius proceeds to walk in with Euphemia Potter, both of them with yet another singular sunflower in hand. Sirius takes his spot as best man while Euphemia stands on the first row by the front, both of them visibly teary eyed.
Next, is Marlene Mckinnon who has a singular lily flower on her hands, much more smaller looking as she holds it with both palms in a cupping gesture until she reaches her designated side of the desired standing spots on the right.
She beams at Dorcas who is sat in the front row by Lilys family. After, her is Alice Longbottom, married to Frank Longbottom, who got married a few months prior, parents to Neville. He had been invited but had sent them extravagant gifts instead as he explained in the note he left that he was busy and couldn’t make it. He actually wasn’t busy, he just couldn’t see the engaged couple whose wedding he’s currently at.
He too would like to understand himself. Alice takes her spot in front of Marlene a bit teary eyed with the exact lily flower held in her palms. The last bridesmaid enters next, Mary Macdonald, who has a wobbly smile on her face holding a lily flower as well. He can see how overwhelmed she is, he is caught off guard. She looks how he feels as she takes her spot of maid of honor. Regulus catches how both Marlene and Dorcas give her worried glances before focusing back at the entrance.
As he turns his head to see who is entering, he faintly believes he might just throw up. It’s James being led in with Fleamont Potter, his dad by his side. He doesn’t notice how most of the people on his side including him have become teary eyed at the sight.
It’s been months since he last saw James Potter. His Ex Lover, The love of his life, The man he’ll stay loving until his last breath, The man who is going to marry the girl of his dreams, The man who is marrying someone that is not him. With every thought about reality truly touching him, it feels as if he is drowning, as if he’ll never know what it is to be touched by the sun, as if he will never be able to breathe again because of all the water surrounding him, casting him into darkness.
He fears that this will be the moment he will dare to leave. As he takes in James’ appearance. Wild curls that have been attempted to be tamed but were unsuccessful as you can tell someone tried to fix the mistake with another mistake of passing their fingers through them. That never did work. He watches as those hazel eyes have a light sheen to them as if he’s about to get teary eyed.
He does not notice how Peter has given him a glance to the side of his face that he can see, eyeing him a bit worriedly before looking back at James. Nor does Regulus know that all these tiny pieces of information that he stores away about James, that he’s the only other person beside James to every truly care enough to notice or know.
Regulus simply knows that the people the sun is smiling at is to the by the front as his eyes have stayed looking forward. Seemingly unbothered by the sheer amount of people present, which causes a slight twinge inwards in him by the thought of not knowing all that James could possibly think or feel about anything anymore, not like he used to.
Regulus doesn’t miss the slight faraway gaze he has, as if thinking about something else on his special day. He’s quite gleeful to still be able to have some sort of grasp of what James could be feeling, because in a way it feels as if this will be the last of James he will ever be able to have and so he will cherish each and every moment he is gifted.
When James dad gives him a hug before standing next to his Maman, by the front. As James stands in his pristine black suit matched by his friends. A sunflower in the pocket by his heart pinned in place. As if trapping a piece of the sun in place as James could never stand still. His heart breaks a bit at the thought.
As another small child, a girl, he thinks she might be Andy’s kid but he’s not sure. Watches as she throws petals that would’ve been from lilies, matching the other lilac dresses the bridesmaids are wearing with her own.
Listens to how the song becomes softer as the doors open again to reveal Lily Evans in a magnificent white dress that starts to hug the top half of her curvy body before it starts to flow behind her as if she isn’t even touching the floor. He vaguely registers that the top is a corset while her face is covered in a veil pinned to her bright red hair making her seem much more eye catching. Her hair is in wavy curls, as her gown like dress makes her look vibrant, brighter than the star he’s named after. She’s carrying a bouquet of different lilies but the center one being like the ones her friends are holding.
He sees the way is becoming teary eyed as she holds a polite smile hidden underneath be her veil. A couple of tears have slipped down his face, as his whole being is filled with an encompassing sadness he doesn’t want to feel. Watches as Lily is being handed to James by her father, before standing by her mother. An empty space be them that Lily glances at too fast before Remus and Marlene are walking to their respective individual at the alter. Continues to watch as Remus holds his sunflower with one hand by the stem as he pulls a sunflower pin from his to pin on James' jacket by his heart. While Marlene adds her lily flower to the bouquet. Watches as Peter and Alice do the same.
Sees James’ eyes full with tears to match Sirius’ as he puts the pin to his jacket. Gets a bit intrigued by the way Mary looks wrecked as she adds her flower into Lilys bouquet, holding Lilys eyes with her own as they have their own conversation silently, swears in his mind that, that is the moment Lily becomes teary eyed before both Sirius and Mary go back to their places. He didn’t notice how that small moment had caused his own silent tears to slowly stop. Everyone sees how the priest walks to the spot where he’s meant to be, signaling for everyone to sit down.
As the priest starts to talk and talk. Regulus’ mind floats away from him as it enters a rambling haze. He’s wondering why he hasn’t left yet, replaying memories of him and James. Confused by Mary and Lilys interaction. Wanting James but not wanting to ruin his perfect life.
Regulus doesn’t notice just like everyone else the sad twinkle in James eyes as his heart yearns for the whole thing to stop so he can just breathe.
When Regulus comes back to himself it is when Lily and James are facing each other as the preacher seems to be closer to the end. His eyes go to Mary who is mindlessly looking around until her eyes land on him, he knows her numb expression is reflected on his own, when he understands. Realizing why Mary appears unlike herself. Well the her he knows by others that she usually is. They end up giving each other weak smiles as they both just know. Looking away from each other to the soon to be married couple.
The preacher tells James he can now say his vows. His mind tells him to leave yet again as his heart screams for him to stay. He knows he wouldn’t be able to move even if he wanted to. He desperately wishes for his mind or ears to block out James’ words. Needing himself to not have to hear but he ends up hearing anyway.
Hears James' honey smooth yet deep voice, his latino accent present in his words. Sees how he has a soft smile on his face only for Lily, as he tells her moments they’ve had together. Looking at her as if only the two of them exist in the room, the same way he used to look at him when they were alone. Hears how he has mixed in some spanish phrases, hurts at how his speech is just like James himself. As wonderful and warm like the sun.
Glances at Mary when Lily starts to say her own vows, sees how Mary seems to be slightly shaking, as Lilys soft voice flows in the room never looking away from James. Once they’re done, the preacher starts to ask if anyone has any objections regarding the couple, saying “Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace.”
As the preacher waits to see if anyone says anything. He sees how the guests turn to look around, sees Peter look once his way, sees both James and Lily slightly tense up as Mary seems to clench her teeth receiving slightly subtle worries glances from Dorcas and Marlene again.
Regulus’ heart tells him it’s his last chance to do something, begging him to stop this because James Potter should be marrying him instead. Not perfect Lily Evans. The preacher begins to speak again as there hadn’t been a single objection in the crowd, he tells them “Do you James Potter take Lily Evans to be your wife in sickness and in health, until death do you part?” he notices the shakiness in his firm “i do.” As his own heart might have just broken into two, his only chance forever gone.
He watches as the preacher asks Lily the same thing, her voice slightly firmer than James' but holding a certain shakiness to it as well. His mind grasping through handfuls of water as if drowning in the ocean, as it tells him this is not what James wants, until James and Lilys lips connect in a kiss as a newly married couple after he lifted up her veil almost as if in slow motion, as everyone around starts to cheer and applaud for them. Having vaguely watched as Neville and Andys kid gave the couple their rings to put on.
His heart continues to break as he stands up, and he fears he will never know warmth again as his whole body feels cold as if he really were to be drowning out at sea. Tears streaming down his cheeks, his mind now eerily quiet. The calm before a storm.
Sees an equally wrecked Mary in the corner of his eye. Knows he’s forever lost James Potter. The love of his life, who clearly does not believe that he is his as well. Watches as tears stream down on James and Lily Potters faces. And everyone else around them. He continues to stand there in despair as people leave or go to try and congratulate the newly weds. Doesn’t notice when Remus spots him over Sirius' shoulder as they hugged, doesn’t see Sirius look at him following Remus’ gaze.
As James hugs his parents, doesn’t see how Peter realizes they’ve spotted him. Misses how Mary and Lilys hug lasts a bit longer than the rest. But he does notice when James, beautiful James spots him because he had not once looked away from him. Knows as James’ stare pins him more in place that he wouldn’t have left until the end of the wedding. Watches as James loses his breath, when he realizes it’s him, his eyes filling up with sad tears like his own. Sees James give him a broken wobbly smile, as if the sun has finally managed it’s breaking point and is shining through its last pieces by sheer will alone. There he finds the strength to wipe the ever flowing tears from his own face now, and turns away to walk out those doors because the sun doesn’t need the calm of water that’s now turned into rough waters or a dying out star at its end.
Regulus does not see how James’ heart clenches at the sight of him leaving, walking away from him yet again. Isn’t there to see that the sad twinkle in his eyes has gone out, for the rest of the night and potentially forever. As the star it has been borrowed from was taken away from him yet again. Regulus Black who will never know that James Potters heart still belongs to him and always will, until the sun fades away with the ocean and star to match it.