The Day's Been Gray
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“Sleepover!” James and Marlene yelled out at the same time.
It was the summer break between the first and second year and they had just gotten back home. Barty had jumped into their arms, happy to have his best friends back. Now, they were in James’ room. Marlene and James were sprawled on top of his bed while Barty and Peter were sitting on the small red couch in the room, their legs on top of one another, intertwined.
Barty smiled. He was just too excited to finally be with the people he loved the most.
“So,” he started “Tell me all about Hogwarts!”
The three older kids had come back on winter holidays too but Barty’s parents had decided to go on a ski trip that same couple of weeks so they hadn’t been able to see each other. Now that they had a full summer to play and chat, they were buzzing with excitement.
“Oh, Bar!” Peter said “It is awesome! Everyone there is so kind, well most people are. No one is being mean to me like I was afraid of.”
It was true, Peter had been scared of the possibility of bullies and rude people but he had found that fear to be silly once he actually got to Hogwarts and met the people there.
“No one is mean?” Barty asked, wide-eyed.
“A couple of people are, but no one really likes those people too much,” came Marlene’s reply. “And guess what?”
“What?”
“Jamie has got a crush,” she sang, giving the boy a grin.
James whined at that, “Marls- You promised you wouldn’t tease.”
“I did no such thing. It was Peter who promised, not me.”
“You also did! You even swore on it!”
“My fingers were crossed.”
“You liar!”
Barty and Peter watched the banter with smiles on their faces. This was common with James and Marlene. They would get into arguments so quickly that sometimes the other two wouldn’t even be able to keep up with the reason and then they would make up just as quickly. It was quite weird but it was who they were, it was how their friendship went.
“Shush, both of you,” Barty eventually said, effectively shutting them up. “Who is your crush?”
James blushed. “It’s a girl in our class, Lily.”
“Is she pretty?”
“Very. She has curly red hair and her eyes are so beautiful. And she is so kind.”
Barty bit his lip to keep himself from smirking. “And… Did you ask her out?”
James pouted at that and refused to answer so Peter interfered. “He did but she said no.”
“Oh,” Barty muttered, “Well she’s an idiot then. No sane person would reject you.”
“Don’t call her that. She’s not an idiot, she doesn’t have to like me back.”
Marlene nodded, “Yeah and James didn’t even try again so he is the idiot.”
“You didn’t try asking her once more? That’s weird, I would have predicted you to be stubborn. You usually are.”
“No!” James exclaimed, shaking his head. “She said no. You don’t persist when a girl says no, my mum told me so. I let her know that I like her and now the decision is hers to make. I don’t want to annoy her.”
“O-kay,” Barty said, obviously finding this weird. His mother had never told him such a thing. “Anyways, tell me about the friends you guys made!”
And they did. James went on a rant about the boy who had a sense of humor so close to his and a knack for setting up pranks and how he had a little brother the same age as Barty so maybe they could become friends. He told him how he knew he would love Sirius the minute he saw the boy on the train. Peter told Barty about a dirty blonde who loved reading even more than Peter did and how they would stay up at night, talking about books and movies. Marlene excitedly told him about her two roommates; previously mentioned Lily who taught her how to braid her own hair and Mary who knew how to do makeup despite their young age. She mentioned her plans to dye her hair blonde next year and how Mary would bring bleach and hair dye so that they could pull it off without Marlene needing to ask permission from her parents.
“Asking for forgiveness is easier,” she shrugged, a sly smirk on her face. The other three burst out laughing at that and tried to imagine her with blonde hair. In the end, it was decided that it would suit her and she should go for it.
The rest of the night was spent with even more laughter and chaos. They gossipped, told each other secrets -even though they had no secrets that they kept from one another-, told jokes, and eventually settled down to sleep, turning off the lights.
After a few minutes of the only sounds being soft breaths and the rumple of sheets, James spoke up.
“I’m scared,” he whispered.
His confession was followed by a moment of stunned silence before Marlene sat upright. “Of what, Jamie? Should we turn the lights back on? Do you want me to get you some water? Or I can call Effie in here?”
James slightly sniffed at the mention of his mum. At that, Barty and Peter climbed onto his bed from the inflatable bed they were on. Barty drew him in for a hug while Peter started playing with his hair.
“What’s wrong?” Marlene asked again.
“My mum and dad…”
“What about them?”
“They’re so much older than other people’s parents,” he whimpered. “I knew that they were older than you guys’ parents but I just thought yours’ were young. In school, I realized that no, it’s just that mine are old. Very old.”
“Oh, James,” Barty murmured, tightening his hold on the boy.
“What if they… pass away while I’m at school? And then- and then I’m all alone?”
“Jamie. Nothing is going to happen to them, I promise. Yes, they are older than most parents but not that old,” Marlene gently said.
“That’s true,” Peter confirmed. “Besides, my grandma and grandpa are much older than your parents yet they are still alive and well.”
James bit his lip. “You’re right,” he agreed, calming down a little bit. “But still, they are going to -y’know- when I’m young. I don’t want to be left by myself…”
“You won’t,” came Barty’s confident reply. “You’ll have us next to you when it happens. We’ll be right next to you.”
James looked up at him, his eyes glazed over with unshed tears, and managed a small smile. “Promise?” he asked with a wobbly voice.
“Promise.”
“Yes, a hundred percent. I promise too.”
“I’ll also always be there for you, Jamie. Promise.”
“Thank you.”
And right at that moment, little eleven-year-old James hoped harder than he ever did in his life. He hoped that his friends would keep their promise because even at his young age, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to survive his parent’s death without his three favorite people around. He really really hoped.
– - – - – - – - – - – - –
He now knew better than to hope. Hopes and wishes never led anywhere. Hoping didn’t save his parents.
Gone…
Gone…
Gone.
His parents were gone. Forever. He would never get to experience his father’s loving kisses or hear his mother call him her baby again. Never again. Forever. He felt gone too, just in a separate way. He felt as if he was floating, like he was looking at his own body from the outside, like this was all a bad dream. He wished it was. But wishes never led anywhere.
He couldn’t cry or move.
He was stuck on the uncomfortable plastic chair that the hospital had provided for visitors, pulled in between his mum and dad’s beds. One hand in his mother’s still warm hand and the other in his dad’s now cold one.
His dad had been the first to go. Years ago, he had sworn to die before his beloved wife. He had said that he couldn’t bear to see the love of his life pass away. And he had kept his promise, he had gone before her. Barely.
His mum. His mum had put up a hefty fight, as she was expected to do. She had held on to life by a thread that had snapped when she heard her husband’s last breath. She was a selfless person but at that moment she had done the only selfish thing in her life, she had let go. She hadn’t thought about James. The only thing she could think about at the moment was her dear dear Monty. She had followed him.
Everything had happened so fast. His parents had seemed fine on his birthday but they caught a cold just a few days later. A cold that would have been easy to get over for any other person but they were already weak so the cold was the end of them.
And the three people who had promised to be by his side when this eventually happened, they weren’t there. Not even one of them. Sirius and Remus were and he was sure that Lily and Mary were on their way but the very first people he learned to trust weren’t. He wanted them.
He suddenly flinched when Sirius touched his shoulder. He looked up. He wasn’t in the hospital anymore, he was in a car with Remus and Sirius. When had he gotten here? When had the doctors come to collect the dead bodies of his mum and dad? Questions, he had a lot of them. But he couldn’t bring himself to verbalize any.
He glanced at Sirius, who was looking right at him with tears running down his face. Right. They had been Sirius’ parents as much as they had been James’.
James threw himself on top of Sirius and sobs overtook both of them. That was how they spent the ride home, sobbing and whimpering. Remus, who was driving, was trying so hard to not break down at the sound of his most cherished people’s cries.
None of them knew how they managed to safely get back to the house. They were just happy to be home. Remus had arranged it so that James wouldn’t have to deal with the legal aspect of things until he felt ready to.
Now, they sat side by side on the couch, James in the middle. All of them were staring straight ahead, trying to get used to the now quiet house.
Suddenly, Remus remembered something. “Jamie,” he started, clearing his throat when his voice broke. “D’you want me to call Marlene and Peter? They- uh, they should be here, no?”
James thought about it for a minute. His friends were out there achieving amazing things and he didn’t want to ruin it by a single phone call which he knew would result in them immediately jumping into planes and flying back. That would be selfish. His mother raised him to be selfless, she wouldn’t like to see her baby only thinking of himself. Good thing she wasn’t here to see him. Because at that moment James wanted to be inconsiderate. He needed to be.
He nodded.
Remus quickly stood up. He was glad that James wasn’t shutting himself up in his room and turning away help. He was also glad that he had something to do at the moment because he hated sitting around in moments like these and not being able to assist.
He got his phone and left the room. He decided to call Peter first as he was closer to the guy and wanted to leave the harder part of the ordeal for later. Peter picked up the phone immediately, much to Remus’ happiness.
“Hey, Remus! What’s up?” came Peter’s cheery voice.
Remus, who had been holding up pretty well up until then, crumbled at the happiness radiating from Peter. He tried to hold back a sob and replied. “Hey… Pete.”
Peter had gone quiet. He could hear the shake of Remus’ voice and feel the sob waiting to break through.
“Moony? Is everything alright? What happened?”
Remus shook his head before remembering they were on a call and the other guy couldn’t see him. “No,” he croaked out, “Everything isn’t alright.”
“What is it?” Peter was panicking now. “Did something happen to James or Sirius?”
“Effie and Monty passed away.”
He heard Peter suck in a deep breath. “Shit… Shit when did it happen? Fuck, mate.”
“This morning. We just got back from the hospital.”
Peter sniffed. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, I’m coming. Tell James that I’m coming. As soon as I can, okay? I’ll be there. The band I’m touring with, they will land me a jet. It was in the contract, in case of emergencies. This is an emergency and I’ll be there before you know it.”
Remus wiped his eyes. He was about to tell Peter goodbye and hang up when he got an idea. “Pete?” he asked.
“Hm?”
“If you have access to a private jet maybe you can pick Marlene up from Paris so that she doesn’t have to deal with buying a ticket and whatnot.”
“Oh,” exclaimed Peter. “That is a great idea. Yeah- yeah, I’ll do that. But… Can you be the one to tell Marls? Please? I just-”
Remus cut him off, “I’ll tell her Pete. You just arrange the flight.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“Bye, Peter.”
“Bye. Take care Moons. Not just of Sirius and James, of yourself as well.”
“Sure. Love you.”
“Love you back.”
Remus sighed as he hung up. Informing people of death was such a draining thing to do. He had been the one to tell the news to Lily too. And now, the hardest challenge was ahead of him, Marlene. He took a deep breath and called her. She instantly picked up.
“Hi!”
“Hey.”
He could feel Marlene pause on the other end of the line. “Remus, are you okay? Is someone hurt?”
He decided to say it quickly this time and rip the bandaid off as painlessly as possible. “Effie and Monty are dead.” He didn’t mean to be so blunt but he was exhausted and only had energy left for blunt.
After a beat of silence; “No,” came the reply. “No no no no… No, they’re not!”
“Marlene. I’m sorry but-”
“No. Remus. It can’t be true, please.” A sob left Marlene’s mouth which pierced through Remus’ heart like a thousand shattered glasses.
“It happened today,” he said, not knowing what else to say.
“But I’m not there! Peter isn’t there! We promised Remus, we promised.”
“I don’t know what to tell you Marls, death doesn’t wait on promises.” Remus could tell that he was being too forward and perhaps a little mean but he wasn’t doing it on purpose and couldn’t get it to stop.
The sobbing girl blubbered. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll- um I’ll go buy a… Uh, a ticket. A plane ticket. I have to be there.”
“No no, call Peter. He’s getting the band’s private jet and picking you up. Call him so that you can arrange it.”
“Oh, alright. I’ll…I’ll do that.”
“Yeah. See you soon, Marls.”
“See you. I love you. Tell Jamie I love him too.”
“Love you too. I’ll tell James, don’t worry.”
He hung up and leaned against the wall, sliding down slowly. He took a deep breath. He was trying to calm himself down enough to go into the living room and see Sirius and James’ blank stares. As he was about to stand up, Sirius walked into the hallway he was crouched in at.
He had tear tracks down his face and eyebags lining his eyes due to being awake for the last couple of days. He didn’t even question the state Remus was in and just sprawled next to him on the floor, leaning his head on the other’s shoulder.
“James wanted to be alone in Monty’s study for a minute or two.”
Remus hugged him close. “Alright. Marlene and Peter are on their way. Lily and Mary should arrive any second now.”
“How did it go, breaking the news to them?”
“Lily was expecting it so she was fine. Peter took it like a champ and instantly started planning like he usually does under stress. Marlene…She was a mess, rightly so. She went on and on about the promise they had made to James.”
“Fuck, Moony, I forgot about that,” Sirius said, his eyes widening. “That’s why James was muttering about ‘Marls and Pete and Bar fucking promising but not keeping it’ for the last twenty minutes. The promise didn’t even cross my mind.”
“Was he really?” Remus softly asked and Sirius nodded in return. “Oh, poor guy.”
Sirius snuggled impossibly closer to Remus and took a deep breath in, letting it out with a slight waver.
Remus looked at him with sad eyes. “And, how are you holding up, Siri?” he asked.
“M’fine. Really, don’t look at me like that. I had already gotten myself used to the idea of them passing away. I even had a chat about it with Effie. I had closure, I’ll be okay.”
Remus still had disbelief in his eyes. “James didn’t have closure?”
“No. His closure was going to be opening the other branch of the bakery and seeing the happiness on his parent’s faces but death got to them earlier.”
“Shit Sirius, nothing seems to go according to Jamie’s plans or wishes. I’m really worried about him. I’ve been worried since sixth year. Someone like James is made to be around lots of people and thrive with tons of friends. He lost half of what was making him so fucking happy. And now his parents.”
Sirius was now staring at the floor, guilt traveling in his body. He had been the reason that James’ other friends stopped talking to him. They had erased James’ name from their phones just because Sirius had to run away to his house and abandon his brother. It was his fault. His fault that his best friend had been hurting for the last six years.
Remus suddenly reached out to him, cupping his cheek and tilting his face so that they were making eye contact. “Don’t you do that,” he whispered. “You’re not to blame for what happened. They could’ve easily kept contact with him, behind Regulus’ back if needed. It is not your doing, I promise darling.”
“What if he can’t recover from this?” Sirius asked, choosing to ignore everything Remus had just said.
“He will. We will help him, okay? Us, Lily, Marlene, Mary, Peter… We’ll get him back to being happy. It will take time but still, it will happen.
Sirius was just about to say something when the doorbell rang and he shot up to go and open it, Remus trailing behind him. He opened the door, letting the girls in.
Mary enveloped Sirius in a hug right away, her hands finding his hair and combing through the tangles like she knew he liked. Meanwhile, Lily placed a kiss on Remus’ forehead, hugging him as well.
They spent the rest of the day as a huge tangle of limbs on the couch as they waited for James to step out of his father’s study. The night fell and Remus and Sirius finally fell asleep after a long while of not sleeping, thanks to the girls who were petting their hair and telling them everything would eventually be alright.
Mary eventually succumbed to sleep as well and as Lily’s eyes were also fluttering shut, the door to the study suddenly opened, and a disheveled-looking James stepped out. He wasn’t sobbing anymore but silent tears were still streaming down his face and dripping down his chin. Lily and him made eye contact and the small whimper that tumbled out of his mouth was enough to get her up and running.
She threw her arms around the broken boy the second she reached him and started rubbing his back. James couldn’t even find the energy to hug her back so he stood limp in her warm embrace.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Lily whispered and James just nodded in response.
“M’hungry,” he muttered.
Lily looked at him with compassion-filled eyes. “Okay, Jamie. Let’s get some food into you.”
She hooked her arm around James’ waist and supported him into the kitchen where she made him some tea as well as a grilled cheese. James started at the plate in front of him and then looked back up at Lily.
“M’nauseous now. I don’t want to eat.”
Lily patted his cheek. “Eat at least a little bit, please. You need some nutrition.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
So James ate the grilled cheese. He only ate it to make Lily happy but still, it had to count for something, right?
“Remus said that Marlene and Peter are on their way. They are apparently taking a private jet so they should be here pretty soon, maybe even tomorrow,” Lily told James, obviously trying to comfort him even if a little bit.
James’ eyes did lighten up a little bit then, at the mention of his best friends. “Good,” he murmured. “Mum loves- loved them.”
Pain flashed through his eyes and the slight light went out when he had to correct himself on the tense of his sentence. Lily bit her lip at that. She wanted to help more then anything but she didn’t know how to help. She didn’t think there was anything she could do that would lessen his pain.
So they just sat there, James slowly munching on his piece of toast and Lily sipping her tea. If a stranger was to look at them through the window of the kitchen they would’ve assumed a peaceful midnight snacking session when the reality was far far away.
Suddenly James spoke up, “D’you remember, in fifth year, the night you came out to me?”
Lily looked up from where she was fixated on, surprised. She wasn’t expecting casual conversation at that moment yet she still went along. “Yeah,” she said with a smile. “I was a mess.”
James closed his eyes for a second, a slight fond smile appearing on his lips. He nodded. “You really were. You were going on and on about not wanting to hurt my feelings and the possibility of me not wanting to be your friend anymore.”
“Well, I was worried. You had a crush on me for five years and here I was telling you that you had no chance.”
James let out a tired huff of laughter at that. “Still. I was a little heartbroken, sure, but your happiness mattered to me more. D’you know why?”
“Why?”
“Cause’ my mum, the summer before, prepared me.”
“Prepared you?” Lily asked, confused.
“Well, not directly. But she gave me a speech about some people liking the same gender as them and other people not being entitled to this. She said that in the case that someone comes out to me, I have to be gentle as it is not an easy thing to say. She also added that this applied no matter how I saw the person in front of me. Years later, when you and Mary got together, she admitted that she knew you were not interested in boys all along and wanted to make sure that I was going to react properly when the time came.”
At the admission, Lily’s eyes filled with love and adoration. Effie had known. She had known before Lily had even an idea herself. Effie had known that the girl her son was smitten with was a lesbian and she hadn’t been angry about it. No, she had made sure that said son knew how to comfort her. She really was an angel, even when she was alive.
“I miss her already,” James whispered.
“I know, Jamie, I know,” Lily softly said, reaching out from on top of the table and patting his hair.
“And- and my dad,” he whimpered this time.
“I know,” Lily repeated.
“It feels… Lils, it feels like I won’t be happy ever again.”
And at that Lily felt her heart and soul break into pieces and tumble out of her body, leaving her just as a shell of who she used to be mere seconds ago.
“No,” she said, desperately. “Don’t say that. It’ll be a while but still, you will be happy again.”
She took hold of the guy’s hands and stared deep into his shattered soul. She needed him to believe her, now more than any time. “You will re-discover the joy you once had, I promise.”
And James found himself nodding at that because as much as he didn’t believe so, Lil’s voice was just so convincing. And at that moment, he wanted to be convinced. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life sad. Because who was James Potter if not happy? Who was he if not full of love?
He didn’t wish to find out. He wanted to be full of hope like he once was. He wanted to feel as he once did.
He wanted his mum and dad.