Chapter 1
Prologue
Highway News (HWN)
The ex-member of the boy band Marauders James Potter and singer-songwriter Regulus Black are rumoured to be together after intimate pictures had been leaked of the two! For more information, check out… show more
Pop Culture
Fans suspect that there might be more than mutual respect between co-stars Regulus Black and James Potter after seeing the leaked footage from the set of Illicit Affairs! Some claim they could sense it ever since… show more
#jegulus is trending worldwide only a few hours after the leaks! Breaking records, aren’t we?
Coca Cola
You guys are fast! #jegulus Thank you for the picture @ogjegulusstan05
"Oh, we’re in so much trouble"
Chapter 1
"We want to thank all of you for coming to our last concert" are words James never thought he’d hear coming out of Sirius’ mouth. "You were always here for us, and we are asking for your support in this decision of ours too. Going on a break is gonna be hard for us too, but it’s much needed."
Peter was the one grabbing James by the hand and helping him out from behind the drums to the center of the stage. James’ knees were wobbly and the whole evening was a blur for him. Technically speaking the last few weeks had been all messy – as if they were washed together by water – and he can not remember most of it. What he knew for sure was that he’s clasping on Peter for his dear life as they joined Remus and Sirius. The four of them stood there hands around waists and shoulders taking in the view of thousands of people screaming, clapping and crying for them. James wanted to do the same. Fall to his knees, cry and scream hysterically. But he didn’t. In Peter’s steady hold he got to be strong for one more minute. They bowed and waved for all the people in front of them and finally exited the stage. Longest two minutes of James’ life.
The backstage was just as quiet as it’s been for the last few shows – it was choking all of them to death. Sirius was the first to grab his bag and leave the room without a word for any of them, not even looking back. James stared after him, teary eyes and wet lashes, his vision starting to blur again.
"Hey" Remus stepped in front of him, hand on James’ shoulder. "I know things are looking bad…"
"I lost him" James mumbled still looking at the door behind Remus. "I lost both of them" he whispered letting out a shaky breath.
"Come here" Remus pulled him into a hug. A sad, long hug. James was holding him tight, pressing his face into Remus’ shoulder, soaking his shirt with his tears. "Things will get better soon. They have to."
"When will I see you again?" James asked pulling away from him, aching inside.
"I’m not sure James" he whispered. "But I’ll try."
And with that, Remus walked out of the room and disappeared after Sirius.
}{
It’s been a month since the last concert and James has not looked at any of the instruments in his apartment. It’s quiet and empty as he is the only one there, not a single soul who could make a mess. It’s been a month since he last saw the boys and he’s not sure anymore if they had ever existed. He has been halucinating fequently, talking to someone he thinks is there until he remembers. It’s been a month and James is actively losing his mind with his shutters closed so no one could see. It’s been a month since Lily Evans found James on the backstage floor in the middle of a panic attack and made him feel safe. She sat there for what felt like an eternity for James, just rambling about whatever came to her mind.
She never stopped coming around, not even when James told her so. The thing is that he didn’t actually want to be left alone, but what he wanted even less was to be a burden for anyone. But Lily understood and made sure to keep him company as often as she could. At first it was strange for both of them. Her coming over and waking him up, making sure he drank throughout the day and convincing him to open the shutters, one more each day. Lily was their hairstylist on tour so it’s not like she was a complete stranger for James, but they were never close friends. At least not until now. Every day was the same with just the two of them present – she would let herself in each morning and wake James up with her cold fingers caressing his face, careful not to scare him in the process. They would eat lunch together and talk. It was hard at first – James not wanting to speak and Lily not wanting to cross a certain line. But they slowly made progress. James found his voice and Lily made the edges dull, harmless. The two of them started talking about how they were feeling at the moment which was hard at first. James who bottled up every slightly negative emotion in his life had an especially hard time relearning to process his feelings and expressing them. But he was getting better.
Lily couldn’t always be there. James wouldn’t have wanted her to throw away her life just to keep him company, but he genuenly missed her. The nights were always the worst part of his day. Being left alone in the dark room in complete silence after a long day of working on getting better was always hard for James. He could physically feel his demons crawling back to him, into him as he stared at the ceiling. He would scrunch his eyes shut and imagine Lily telling him about her day. But whenever he closed his eyes, memories would come flooding back to him that felt like drowning. He didn’t sleep a lot in that month to say the least.
There were also days, when Lily couldn’t come at all, when James would just lay on the couch all day, functioning just like a robot, programmed to get up and eat at certain times. These days he wouldn’t get a rock from her to put in his huge glass jar by the front door. James remembers when he got the first one. It was a sunny day outside, not even his shutters could stop rays of sunshine from entering his apartment. It was strange considering it was the middle of October, buti t helped a lot with his mood. Lily entered his room with a big smile on her face, hiding the rock in her hands.
"Morning James!" She whispered carefully not to make him jolt awake. "I got you something" Lily said, lips streching from one ear to another.
"What is it?" James asked whispering himself, already reaching for it.
"Something from the world to you" she places it into his hands. "So you’ll know that you are always welcomed in the world."
James still remembers her exact words from that morning and her bright expression. He doesn’t know when he decided to get better, but if he had to choose a moment, that would be it. He worked on himself harder and harder each day and it made a huge difference looking back a month from it. He wakes up by himself now and does not wait for Lily’s cold fingers and actually makes breakfast for the both of them. The first time he surprises her with frech toast, she can not hold back her happy tears and they end up crying in each other’s arms until James realises he burnt the last piece of bread. They ate the whole thing grinning.
It’s been one whole month since the band broke up and James is baking brownies and listening to Lily. They are drinking their afternoon tea and for the first time James feels somewhat alright. He gets his oven mittens and takes the baking tray out. When he turns around to face Lily, she’s already looking at him.
"Hey, can I ask you something? And don’t say I already did" she chuckles sheepishly.
"Sure" James agrees, confused expression plastered all over his face.
"What happened?" Lily sees James’ smile fall, but before she could regret anything, he starts to speak.
"Yeah… I can tell you about it" so he does.
James admits how he fell in love with someone he really shouldn’t have had to. Memories come flooding back like clear water, ready to wash him away and his mind is a mess, but he’s living it. He is back and it’s summer again, on tour, before anything could go wrong. James is in the middle of the stage, Sirius is on vocal rest behind the drums and he’s there. He’s in the front row, pressed up tot he barricade and James is drowning in his eyes again. Two marbles of storm, hurricanes sucking James in and he finds himself not wanting to look away. Not then and not now, not when it’s already just a memory. James lets the feeling sink in, he lets himself feel it, just like Lily taught him to. And she’s there, her head resting on his shoulders, listening to every breath he takes before continuing the story. He’s on stage and boy, he wants to sing again, sing with the Marauders, sing for Regulus. He wants to sneak out of all the hotel rooms again to meet Regulus in the back of the nearest café and eat breakfast peacefully, out of everyone’s sight. James wants to hear him laugh again and not cover his mouth when Regulus gets too loud. He wouldn’t care a single bit now if anyone could hear them.
He tells Lily about their first kiss, how they raced down the corridors and tripped. How Regulus had fractured his wrist that night and how worried Sirius was because it was his little brother. Yeah, that was his first mistake – falling for his best friend’s brother. The second was breaking Regulus’ heart.
When Sirius found out about their relationship he almost knocked James out. Regulus will never be anything other than his baby brother in his eyes. He didn’t talk to James for a whole day and Remus had to step in. It was probably the longest day of James’ life and nothing can make him want to relive it. Except he’s doing just that. He’s been doing that for a whole month now and although it hurts, James is healing. Back then Sirius did come around eventually – they have never spent that much time apart and it was killing both of them. Sometimes James still wonders if he’s the only one hurting or if the Black brothers are keeping him company in his miseries somewhere distantly.
James suddenly stops to look at Lily. She’s curled up under a blanket on his couch sipping her cup of tea that had probably cooled down by now. She looks peaceful taking James’ past in like a fragile vision. The thing is that she was there the whole time, could see how things escalated, but never knew the reason why.
"And then I broke his heart" James whispers staring at the wall across the room. Just hearing himself say it made him shiver, a thousand cuts leaving him to bleed out on his own.
"How did it happen?" Lily asks after a few seconds of silence with her forest green eyes wide open like a doe.
"The worst thing is that I don’t even know" James shakes his head, tearing up again.
That might have been the hardest part about the break up for James. He could feel it in Regulus’ silence, the way he avoided his touch and how visibly hurt he was that he fucked up big time. James really wanted to make it better, but not knowing what he’d done wrong made it a lot harder. He wasn’t mad at Regulus though because he really believed he could make it right. That’s when Sirius came into the picture and they were done for good. Regulus remained heartbroken, Sirius gave up his longest friendship to protect his brother and James never got to make it right with either of them.
"The weeks went by and we made it through our last few shows without speaking to each other" James finishes with a lumpin his throat. "Obviously Remus and Pete tried to stay out of it, but it was hard for both of them to watch the band fall apart. I’m still processing it myself."
"Have you spoken with them since?" She sits up to gain a more serious look.
"Just a few polite texts."
"You should really try and reconnect with them!" Lily suggests with a warm smile on her face. She gets up to make them another cup of tea and James is left on his couch alone with his thoughts.