Chapter 1
Regulus Black was pathetic for five reasons.
1. He hated his brother.
2. He loved his brother.
3. He hated himself.
4. He wished he’d left when he could.
5. He let himself love someone.
Regulus read himself this list in his head every day. It reminded him that, even when he felt invincible, special, and absolutely completely, irrevocably fucked (which had become more often than not), it reminded him he was still human. He was still real. Over time, he’d come to add things to the list. Before, when he was a childish, immature third year, it only had three, numbers two, three, and five. They hadn’t changed, only a few had been added, and Regulus had changed into someone very different. Before he left, Sirius used to say that Regulus should smile more, and that was when he was happy. When everything wasn’t about to go to shit, and the world wasn’t going to explode.
Regulus rarely smiled anymore. But for Evan, Barty, Dorcas and Pandora he decided he would at least try.
He walked into the great hall, straightening his tie and keeping his gaze on the Slytherin table, refusing to even glance in another direction. He was still limping, thanks to his mother and their most recent…argument. But he masked it well. He knew that. Barty looked up at him from his plate and immediately grinned his wide, crooked, chipped-tooth grin. “Well, well, Baby Black just had to make an entrance.”
It was true, he had made a bit of a scene. New hair, new uniform, new name, new pronouns. It was going to be a terrible year, most likely, given the amount of disgusted looks he got only from his side of the room. Oh well. He supposed that's what he got for being some sort of queer in the world. There were going to be people who disliked you.
What he'd learned from his friends was that it didn't matter, because who were they to tell you how to live when they were so focused on other people's lives that they probably didn't even have their own figured out?
“Oh, piss off, Barty,” Regulus said with an arched brow and a skeptical expression, but it was all lighthearted. “You’ve already got six hickies. Who’s assaulting you already?” He already knew the answer, of course, it was always the same, but he asked anyway, knowing that the couple would appreciate another chance to flaunt.
“That would be me,” came Evan’s response from the other side of the table as he placed his bookmark in between the two pages he was reading and looked up at Regulus with a smile so innocent you’d think he’d just answered a question about homework. "Hiya, Regulus." Regulus rolled his eyes as he sat himself down between Barty and Dorcas, and Dorcas gave him a smile.
Regulus had always loved Dorcas. He loved all his friends, of course. Just differently. He wasn't sure why, but in some sort of odd way, she felt like a sister. He relied on her for things, even if they weren't big and bold and devastating, and she always listened. Dorcas was good at that. She was a beautiful girl, with dark brown skin and honey-flecked brown eyes, braids framing her face with small adornments like silver jewelry decorating them between strands. Regulus might have been attracted to her, if he weren't gay, and if he weren't desperately, painfully, and achingly in love with someone else. That, and...
“Have you seen Marlene this year? She cut her hair. She looks fucking gorgeous.” Dorcas had been in love with Marlene for years now, and she wasn’t shy about it. At all. Regulus was quite sure Marlene was the only one who wasn’t aware.
“No,” Regulus answered simply, waving a hello to Pandora who was sitting next to Evan, lost in her own little world. It was fine. He would give her a proper hello later.
“Well, you should. Downright criminal,” Dorcas grumbled, and glances over to the Gryffindor table behind them. Regulus’s lips turned upwards, and he focused his attention on the food in front of him. He was so glad to be back and out of his home. It was lonely there, now.
Sirius had left him. That was it. Point blank, in every way Regulus looked at it, Sirius left him. But Regulus had stayed.
Sirius had offered to take Regulus with him. Out of house that was a disgusting excuse for a home. And Regulus chose to stay. In the moment, it seemed safer. Better. Smarter. But then he’d told them he was transgender, and he cursed himself for not going with Sirius when he had the chance.
He could still see his mother, vision blurred with tears as she pointed her wand at him, cruciatus curse at the ready like it had been more and more often, expression cold and clear, like it always was.
He could hear her.
“Never try to tell me who you are again. I am your mother, and you are Rhea Black. You are no son of mine.”
He suppressed a shudder, and inhaled, cleansing his face of any emotion. After years, it was easy. To wear a mask. To play the proper, cruel, ruthless Black like his mother and father. It had never been easy for Sirius. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and he poured it out to everyone, at least a little bit. He shared his love with everyone. Regulus sometimes wondered what he would be like if he'd done the same.
He erased all thoughts of his mother and of Sirius from his mind. This is home. I’m with my friends. Keep them separate.
To be honest, he didn’t have a hard time ignoring the constant pinch at the back of his mind, reminding him that it was all temporary. With his friends, it was hard to remember much, because contrary to almost everything else in his life, they made him really, honestly happy.
It was the best gift Regulus had ever received.
🟄
James Potter was happy.
Truly, he was.
He and the Marauders were back at Hogwarts for their seventh year, ready to wreak havoc on the school with their new prank material and absorb all the Hogwarts magic before they had to leave and go out into the real world. Wormy had called it their 'last hurrah,' on the train.
"I can't wait for this year," Sirius had said, buzzing with excitement. Remus, who was reading, smiled at Sirius for a second before looking back to his book.
"Yeah, neither can I," Peter said, talking very enthusiastically. "It's so exciting. We'll get to learn how to apparate. 'Course, I'll be shit at it, but." Pete shrugged like he always did.
"Shut up, Wormy, you'll be fine," James said, rolling his eyes with a grin.
Remus bookmarked his page by dog-earring it, then placed his book at his side to pay attention to the Marauders rather than whatever muggle book he was reading. "What pranks do we have plans for this year?" he asked, and Peter's eyes lit up like fireworks.
"We're doing something big. To send us and the rest of the seventh years off. You know, like a last hurrah." They had begun strategy planning, then.
James agreed, but he thought of it slightly differently. For one, it wasn't quite their last. They were going to live on after Hogwarts and live adult lives doing adult things like taxes. and, for two, even with the adulting, James reckoned that The Marauders would continue causing mischief and leaving a trail of chaos wherever they went. So. Not a 'last hurrah,' kind of thing.
But then, James did feel a twist of bittersweet adoration for the place as he looked around the Great Hall during dinnertime, admiring the grand room for maybe the first time ever. He had started to appreciate things more often, now, thanks to the sudden-ness of it all slipping through his fingers.
The Great Hall really was true to its name, tall ceilings and candles floating in midair high above the marauder’s heads. The room felt warm and full, but not stuffy. There were people playing chess, talking, laughing, eating, and a couple snogging off to the side which James was ignoring. He was too in awe of his surroundings to care much. He was going to appreciate the world more, he resolved.
"James! Thinking about Lily, are you?"
James snapped out of his trance, quite suddenly, by Marlene McKinnon's voice. James rolled his eyes with a smile. "Come on, Marlene. I've already said I'd leave her alone. I'm not interested in her anymore."
"Sure, you're not," Marlene said in an all-knowing sort of tone, nodding like she was in on a secret. As Lily approached, James gestured to her.
"Lily, will you tell her I've finally accepted defeat and am done pining after you?"
Lily laughed. "He really is. No marriage proposals all day so far," She confirmed, and James made a see-I-told-you-so face, to which Marlene flipped him off.
"Oi, Marls, you better not be harassing my boyfriend," Peter warned, and everyone laughed. There had been a rumor going around in their fourth year, started by Snivellus, that James and Peter were dating, and like the idiots they were, they only played it up, holding hands everywhere and giggling like children every time Snivellus passed by, just to rub it in his face. Eventually, the rumor had gone away, but they kept up the joke still.
Mary slid into her spot beside Lily, and Remus finally arrived, already carrying a book from the library, to which they all teased him. Soon, they were back in their rhythm, steady moments of laughter and catching up and talking of exams and class and just—
James sighed. He was going to miss this the most.
Just as everything had gone back to normal, the doors to the Great Hall opened, and the most beautiful boy James had ever seen in his life walked into the room.
Holy shit, James thought, and then something clicked in his mind as he realized; That's Regulus Black.
Regulus. Black.
He had been beautiful before, of course. No one could look at a Black and think otherwise, not even Snivellus. But Jesus. What had happened to him? And why couldn't it have happened sooner? Or maybe, it was James, just now realizing that Regulus Black was the most gorgeous human on earth.
Regulus Black had always been beautiful, but now, beautiful felt too small a word. There ought to be something more. Something to do him justice.
At the moment, in James's very extensive vocabulary, he couldn't think of a word that expressed how truly beautiful he found Regulus Arcturus Black. There was only one appropriate response to these thoughts, of course, as a Gryffindor, and as Sirius's best friend.
Fuck.
At least that word he had in his vocabulary.