Or that I was on the brink
How could you think, darlin', I'd scare so easily?
Now that it's done
There's not one thing that I would change
There are words that James can’t utter any more, the ghost of the sound haunted his throat and locked away his vocal cords.
He had moved on, he really did. Even if every relationship he had after failed or ended miserably, it wasn’t the lack of trying, from James side, but he was too self-conscious about his feelings for someone he would never have back again. He had lost Regulus, not to the angel of death, but to himself, and that made everything even worse. Because the drenching pain of the knowledge he could never have Regulus back killed his insides, like being decomposed into earth but in full conscience.
James dreamed about the kind of love he could give to Regulus, the kind he tried to give him, but was never able to.
Star crossed lovers was a term that could be used for this situation that James saw himself in. He believed vehemently he was born to love Regulus, to show him devotion like never seen before. The core of his existence was so filled with love that it had a person to receive it. But what could he do when situations out of his control took it all from him?
Regulus, in all honesty, was afraid of all that James had inside of him for him. It was so deep and strong, he got overwhelmed and told James he couldn’t even grasp the depth of his feeling. How it was possible to love one with such force and devotion, like James loved him. Sometimes, Regulus told himself that he couldn’t let James live like that. Tied to a person that has so many wires around his feelings that he couldn’t even name them sometimes. He knew he had hurt James in more than one occasion, but how could he avoid stinging James when that was the kind of love he grew up with?
He tried, tried to allow himself to love and to be loved by James, but he saw himself swallowed in something he could never learn how to swim in, he would just drown in James and even if drowning in James Potter wasn’t the scariest way of going, he thought he deserved someone that was willing to learn the ropes of the swimming for him.
Even scared, afraid and at the brick of running away, Regulus did say yes to James. Pandora kept talking in his head how he would regret for the rest of his life if he didn’t at least try. So he did that, he tried and said to James yes and gave both of them a shot. But they couldn't even phantom the idea that their ruin started the same time their happiness did.
What James anticipated from the beginning, was that some people are meant for each other, they have it all to be together, to unite themselves in one. However, not all the willpower in the world is enough when the fear from the other person is bigger than the love. It sounded cruel when James thought about it, that Regulus was more scared than in love, it was the hardest thing he ever had to deal with. How do you go to that person you love, that you cherish and want to protect with your own life and say I understand you’re scared, it is scary, but the fear takes over your body and is stopping you from living your full life, so we should end it. Because I rather be miserable and alone then destroying you by being together. But James never did, what he had was betrayal that skinned himself alive from under his skin to the surface. A constant knife twisting in James’ chest that day, he never thought that he would be the one to end things with Regulus. And how could he? He was the only person that James would ever really love, but he was not selfish about Regulus’ happiness, even if he was selfish about many things regarding Regulus, his happiness was not one of those things.
He wanted to hate Regulus, wanted to yell at him all the bad things that crossed his mind, to make him so hurt and so empty like he was feeling. An undying scream that lived in James’ throat, pain like no one else knows, rumbled on his body incessantly. The anger he could fuel and the destruction it could cause rested on James’ hands, because he knew how words could sting like the ones Regulus said to him. The lack of delicacy and gentleness struck James like a lightning, because never in a million years he imagined feeling such painful words.
Even if James always tried to act rational and not do something anger motivated, he did many time spite words to Regulus that were deeply rooted in resentment, in rage like he never felt before. Regulus made a mistake, he regretted it from the moment he did it, but he had done it anyway, and he explained to James what happened, tried to make him understand. But even if love is kind, patient and careful, sometimes love can be ruthless, hard and inattentive. Regulus had joined the cult of death eaters, as James called them, he saw himself morally above it all and impossible to forgive. He never tried to understand the reasons to why Regulus had done it. Why he would throw us away like we never meant anything to him? But some questions just are harder than a simple black and white perspective.
Sirius always saw the stepping back that James did as a give up, that he had given up on Regulus and the wonderful thing they could have together. But, ever since they had broken up, Regulus was lighter and less stressed. James felt like he could die because he started to see what their relationship did to Regulus, not intentionally, but still happened. How could he allow such a thing just to have the one he loved? When this loved one didn’t wish with the same amount of fierce.
James then tried dating again, he met new people and went out on dates. They were all wonderful, loving people really, but James couldn’t give himself entirely to them, because they were not Regulus.
For all that was said
Of where we'd end up at the end of it
When the heart would cease, ours nеver knew peacе
What good would it be on the far side of things?
It was too soon
When that part of you was ripped away
A grip takin' hold like a cancer that grows
Each piece of your body that it takes
When the heart ceases its beating, the blood is no longer pumped around the body, and happens quickly, this way piece by piece the body stops working entirely. The kidneys, liver, lungs shut down and, slowly and finally, the brain stops working about three minutes after the last beat of your heart. James could be dramatic and say that’s how he felt when he learned to live a life without Regulus, but that wasn’t the case. Obviously, James felt enormous pain from not being with him, he wanted to be with Regulus more than anything and if Regulus said one word to him, the chances that James would go back running were huge. That never happened.
The only thought that haunted him for the rest of his life was how he wanted to hold Regulus one more time. He hoped to find him in another lifetimes, another timeline might be more kind to the both of them, and they could be happy. James knew he would find Regulus in every life he lived, his soul was too precious to be missed like that.
But now, standing on the gravestone with Regulus Arcturus Black engraved forever all James thought was how he wanted to live it all again, how he hoped he would live it all again in another life, another body another circumstance.
All to hold Regulus in his arms one more time.
I'd tell them, "Put me back in it"
Da-ah, darlin', I would do it again (Ah-ah, ah-ah)
If I could hold you for a minute
Da-ah, darlin', I'd go through it again (Ah-ah, ah-ah)
James fell on his knees, thirteen years after Regulus had died, and begged, put me back in it, please let me have him for a minute.
The fact that James understood, that such love had no morals enough to exist in their reality, the passion was so strong that neither of them could bite down their feelings and act sane was the fate of them both. Many times, after Regulus’ betrayal, they fought but not using magic, just the spit of venom that rested on their throats and then ended the night with tangled legs and breathy words. The hatred that toyed with the concept of love surrounded them for all the years that came until Regulus was killed, brutally murdered by a fanatic. The side of the fanatic barely mattered to James, what difference did it make if the fanatic defended the side James was on or Regulus’? The only thing that mattered to James was that one person pulled the life out of Regulus’ eyes forever.
And he would never have that and not have his hands drenched in blood right after.
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I
I would not change it each time
Heaven is not fit to house a love
Like you and I
"Regulus"