Chapter 1
“And then the fat bastard landed on his arse and started crying for his mummy while his whole face turned pink,” Barty finished amidst James and Regulus’s cackles.
“Oh, Barty - you didn’t” Pandora admonished but there was a grin on her face too.
“Oh come off it Dora, the prick deserved it, talking about how -” Barty glanced at James and Remus before tapering off. “Anyhows, it was funny. Gonna try it on his stupid sister and see if I can get our house points off an even fifty.”
Remus rolled his eyes. Barty liked to be ridiculous, tell tall tales that he would never go through with. It’s the reason he had an awful reputation around school even if the entire time Remus had known him, he hadn’t so much as swatted a flea.
Regulus let out a snort, shyly nudging James with his elbow. “At this point, Barty might even outpace you. Are you going to let yourself be out-detentioned by a wanker who couldn’t find his own sunglasses when they were on his forehead?”
“Oi! You promised not to say anything about that!”
It had been a good day, Remus thought. Waking up early to the Hogwarts rising sun with his boyfriend, “Cheer Up” charms lessons, and now this little cozy gathering with friends he had made in the ruins of the worst part of his life. If he felt a twinge of guilt when he kissed Sirius goodbye and told him that he was studying for an Ancient Runes exam, then that was easily extinguished once he fell into the laughter and warmth of his new friend group.
They had started meeting weekly a few months ago. James had confessed what Remus had already knew - he was head over heels for the youngest Black brother, and Remus was eager to resume his acquaintance with Barty and Evan even after he had patched things up with and begun dating Sirius. There was something about them that was so cool and effortless and easy: it had caught Remus’s eye all the way back in fifth year when he had been all alone and reeling.
It was an easy merge of friend groups, provided that Remus occasionally shut his ears when Barty and Evan did things like graphically describe how they would torture his boyfriend to make Regulus smile. It was off-putting but Remus knew that Regulus was still hurting about the whole thing and Barty was simply trying to make him feel better. Hopefully, the brothers would reconcile soon. Regulus’s friends would probably never accept SIrius and he would never be invited to this little study group but Remus thought that at some point, Regulus would be ready to open his heart to his brother again. Remus knew deep down Sirius would let him too. Even if right now, he was utterly unreasonable about the whole thing, tending to shut down whenever Regulus was brought up.
Right on cue, Barty bellowed, “Remus! What’s got into that pretty little head of yours? Ready to leave your worthless boyfriend and shack up with Evan and I?” He waggled his ears while Remus laughed.
“Barty, please.” Alright, so it was a little flattering to hear someone like Barty Crouch Jr. call him pretty. He had to at least wave him off a little bit.
“Don’t know how a loser like him snagged someone like you.” Barty continued.
Remus gave a slow smile. “He’s not all bad, you know.”
Regulus scoffed. “Please. My idiot brother could probably drive a unicorn to suicide. I don’t know how you two do it.”
The table guffawed. James cheerily rested his head on Regulus’s shoulder. “Sacrifice I’m willing to make, babe. Your brother is pretty skilled on the Quidditch pitch.”
“Not the only thing he’s skilled at.” Remus murmured and the entire table cracked up again.
“Sure, sure. That blood traitor’s good at two things.” Barty stroked his chin and looked mock-contemplative. “Well, three I suppose. Treating his brother like shit.”
Regulus sighed.
“Sorry, Reg but it’s true.”
“Must we talk about my brother right now? It’s almost dinner and you’re ruining my appetite.”
Evan gave Regulus an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that, Reg. Sides, Barty, you and I should probably head out if we’re going to that - , that meeting.”
James looked at Evan curiously. “What meeting?”
Evan glanced at Barty a little hesitantly and seemed to see something in his expression that Remus couldn’t because he then waved his hand. “Oh nothing, it’s nothing.”
James took his head off Regulus’s shoulder. “Babe?”
Regulus looked between Barty and Evan before shaking his head just slightly. “Oh, I’ll tell you about it later. It’s just a meetup between some of my friends. You and Remus should come one of these days.”
James gave his boyfriend a dreamy look. “I would love to meet more of your friends.” It warmed Remus’s heart to hear James say that: just a year or so ago, he would have been hexing those same people. It was nice that Remus and James were finally moving past their prejudice against the Slytherins.
Regulus patted Jame’s head. “Oh, I’m sure you will.” He glanced at the clock on the library wall. “Anyways, lads, love of my life, we should probably go. James… see you later?” Remus could hear the slight note of vulnerability and his heart ached. He wished that James and Regulus could be more open about their relationship but well- one of those reasons was going to be meeting James and Remus at dinner right after.
“Of course, love.” James took Regulus’s hand. Barty, Evan, Pandora, and Regulus then all rose to collect their books, lazily saying their goodbyes as they rounded up their things and waved kisses to James and Remus before exiting to the Slytherin common room.
James and Remus needed to meet Sirius and Peter for dinner so it wouldn’t look suspicious but they lingered for a few moments together, just enjoying each other’s company in the warm afterglow of the little oasis they created.
**
“Moony! Prongs!” Peter bounded up to them while Sirius stood in the background. “Studying take you that long?”
James glanced at Remus with a sly little smile before turning back to Peter. “Just enjoying ourselves, Wormy. You and Sirius have a good afternoon?”
“Wouldn’t say it was brill but beats studying in the library for hours.” Remus rolled his eyes. Both Sirius and Peter could use a few more hours in the library studying.
“Sorry, lads! The head boy had to settle down at some point. Blame Moony, he’s been a corrupting influence.”
Peter rolled his eyes. “Oh we know. Anyways, I’m starving. You two held up our dinner.”
It was surprising but probably for the best that Sirius hadn’t interjected or asked any questions. Remus was finding it easier to beat down the twinge of guilt that he was lying to him every day. Sometimes, it made Remus uneasy but today it just made him feel a little dangerous. Exciting. Something other than boring, grandpa Remus who inconvenienced his friends and blotted his life out with blood once a month.
“Well then, Wormtail” Remus slung an arm around Sirius’s shoulder. “Quit your whining and let’s eat.”
Sirius seemed muted at dinner, quiet and contemplative. It was honestly a bit of a relief: Remus tired a bit quickly of his prattle, particularly when the moon was near. Merlin, his boyfriend was pretty but he could be so oblivious, going on and on and on. It was nice to get some time to just rest in his thoughts and bask in the glow of their final year here at Hogwarts.
Sirius continued to not say much when the Marauders adjourned to the Common Room and made mostly monosyllabic answers when Remus asked him about his day while they were sitting next to the fire. At this point the warmth of his own thoughts had worn off and his boyfriend’s uncharacteristic silence made Remus frown a bit. He supposed at some point he would ask Sirius what was bothering him.
They had all melted into a lazy haze when James announced he was going to bed early. Remus had to restrain himself from snorting a bit when James claimed he needed his “beauty rest”. James was going to get some beauty rest tonight surely.
“Hmmm.. I think I’ll join you, Prongs. I’m knackered too.” Sirius responded, maybe the first full sentence he had spoken this whole evening. James startled a bit.
“Oh you don’t need to Padfoot, I’m sure you and Moony want some alone time.”
“Oi!” Peter exclaimed. “I’m right here!”
“You know what I meant!”
Sirius shrugged and Remus felt a little weird. “Nah. I think I’ll go up with you.”
“But-”
Jame’s plan to sneak out was falling apart. “I’ll go up too.” Remus cut in. He could probably distract Sirius, giving time for James to meet his boyfriend.
Sirius turned to regard Remus a bit. His eyes were narrowed but the expression in them was blank. Remus schooled his features and smiled blandly back.
James luckily seemed to recognize what Remus was doing. “Okay! Let’s all go up then. Merlin knows, you two need beauty rest more than I”
“Oi!” Peter looked affronted. “Not sure I’m more offended by the implication that I need beauty rest more than you or you assuming that I’m going to be boring like the rest of you and climb into bed while the night is still young. You three are getting lame and old. I’m meeting Emmeline” his girlfriend of three weeks “and enjoying myself.” With that Peter marched out of the room. Remus just had to laugh.
It turned out that Sirius was not proving very distractible. Instead of going to Remus’s bed like he usually did, he slunk into his own and pulled the curtains around him down. Remus supposed he must be tired. Still, it hurt a bit that his own boyfriend was ignoring him so thoroughly this evening. Regulus looked at James like he orbited the sun, every ice edge melting when James came into view. Neither of them would intentionally hurt each other. It made Remus ache a little bit to think about it even if he had decided to forgive Sirius and take him back into his heart.
James shrugged at the puzzled look Remus gave him before nestling under his own covers. Remus supposed he would wait for Sirius’s tell-tale snores before he would slink into the dead of night, ready to hold Regulus in his arms.
Remus for his part dove into bed and let the darkness envelope him. He hoped that Peter and Emmeline were having a more enjoyable night than he was.
Remus awoke to a soft rustling. He was a light sleeper at the best of times and he knew that this was just James sneaking out so he turned over to snuggle deeper into his pillows when-
“Going somewhere?”
A soft voice. Not Jame’s voice. Remus blinked the sleep from his eyes.
“Just a midnight stroll, Pads. Nothing to worry about: go back to sleep.”
“When have you ever taken midnight strolls, James?” There was a tone in Sirius’s voice that Remus did not like.
Sirius also virtually never called James by his given name. If you had asked Remus about Sirius’s fondness for nicknames yesterday under Veraterseum, he would have told you it was honestly a bit annoying but right now the absence chilled Remus to the bone.
Remus untangled himself from the covers before pushing the curtains aside. James, Morgana love him, was not a good liar. Remus would probably have to rescue him now.
James already looked a bit jumpy. Shit.
“Oh you know,” It was an approximation of a casual voice that didn’t sound casual in the least. “No time like the present to start. Take in some fresh air. See some new sights.”
Sirius’s eyes narrowed. “New sights?”
“Yes, new sights! It’s my last year at Hogwarts, might as well enjoy it y’know?”
“Right.” Sirius looked like he wanted to say more.
Remus sighed and tried to make his voice sound disappointed, determined to interrupt this disaster as soon as he could. “Pads listen. James may not want to tell you the truth but I will, okay?” James whirled around, panic overtaking all of his features.
Peter’s bed was still empty. Interesting.
Not relevant to the topic at hand, Remus.
“He didn’t want you to get upset. You have to know he’s doing this for your own good.”
“Moony, what-”
“He knew he would be the target of your scorn and mockery. I don’t think our Prongs here could bear it.”
“Moony” James’s voice sounded strangled.
Remus heaved out another deep sigh. “He’s going out Pads.”
“Out.” co-mingled with “Sirius, listen I-”
“Our James here has finally decided to be a good student and study in the middle of the night.”
“Whatever Remus is about to say is categorically not true” now joined forces with “Oh” and then a sudden, breathy “oh.”
James immediately snapped his trap shut and blinked a few times. “Oh.” He repeated. “Yes. Yes. I’m afraid that’s true.” He collected himself well and turned around to Sirius with a sheepish smile. “Pads, I am so sorry. I just… I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
Remus was relieved to see that Sirius’s face broke out into a smile. “That you’re a swot?”
“I am not a-”
“Yes, Sirius, imagine how terrified you made our poor Prongs here feel about actually trying to be a good student.” Remus smiled sweetly at James.
“Rightfully so.” Remus couldn’t quite make out Sirius’s expression in the darkness but he imagined that Sirius was dramatically throwing his hair back.
Whew. Crisis averted.
“Anyways.” James glanced anxiously at his watch. Time was ticking before he was set to meet Regulus, who must have just been let out of his mysterious late night meeting. “I know you want to take the mickey out of me but Pads, I really want to pass this Arithmancy test. Can you wait until later?”
“Hmmm.” Sirius sounded thoughtful. “I suppose so.”
James blew out a breath that Remus knew to be of relief and Sirius probably thought was of shame.
Merlin and Morgana, he was good though. He should start charging James with how many times he’s had to bail him out of these sorts of situations.
Sirius sat back down on the bed while James moved closer to the door. “Oh, James?”
“Yeah, Pads?” James was almost there. Remus was ready to settle back into sleep.
“I suppose I should ask you to tell my brother and his friends hi for me when you get there?” Sirius’s careful neutral, blank tone he had carried throughout the conversation dropped. Suddenly, Remus didn’t feel so good after all.
“How did you find out?”
It was the first full sentence James had managed after sputtering on and on for a few minutes. Remus had jumped out of bed and tried to come up with some story that would sound plausible while Jame’s face grew redder and redder. Both of them sounded like morons, tripping over their own words, caught in the lies they had fed Sirius for the past few months.
Sirius just sat there.
It was the first time since fifth year that Remus Lupin knew Sirius Black to not have much to say.
James advanced another step, his hand clenched into a fist. “Sirius, how did you-”
“Oh.” Sirius waved his hand around airily. “Maps truly are glorious inventions, aren’t they?”
Remus had forgotten to lock the map in James’s trunk one night. Fuck.
“Look, Sirius I… I didn’t want you to find out that way.”
“Is that so?” Same light, terrible voice. “Did you want me to find out at all?”
“That’s not-” Jame’s voice faltered. “That’s not fair!”
“What’s not fair James? That you’re fucking my Death Eater little brother or that you got caught?”
Remus hissed a bit involuntarily but steam seemed to come out of James ears. “He’s not a Death Eater!”
“Is that so?” Odd that Sirius was the calmer one than either James or Remus in this scenario. Remus supposed dimly that this was the first time that had ever happened.
“Yes! I know him, Sirius. I’ve actually bothered to talk to him after the age of eleven!”
This is all wrong, Remus thought dimly. Sirius should be ranting and raving right now but he was just sitting on his bed like a throne, cool as a cucumber.
“Bothered to talk to him about what kind of meeting he attended tonight, have you?” Sirius might as well have been talking about the weather.
“I-” James stopped. “Sirius, I know you’re mad but you need to believe me when I say that he’s not the person you think he is. He’s a good person in a terrible situation and-
“Oh, really?” The same weather voice.
“Yes! Remus and I both have gotten to know him and I really think you should-”
Traitor.
Remus braced himself for Sirius to finally unleash his fury but the next sentence from his boyfriend’s mouth was also mild and reasonable if a little pointed.
“I should what, James?”
James took a few steps closer to Sirius, advancing cautiously like his own best friend was a wounded hippogriff. “Sirius, I really think that you and Regulus could be brothers again. If you wanted that.”
“And you think Regulus wants that?” Sirius’s voice sounded almost thoughtful.
“Yes!” Jame’s voice had turned towards desperately hopeful. “Look, Sirius, I won’t lie, you hurt him deeply and you’re going to have a lot of groveling to do but if you truly try I think that-”
Sirius laughed and finally there seemed to be a note of anger. “Groveling to do? To my Death Eater brother?”
James’s face contorted into a snarl. “I keep on telling you, he is not a Death Eater! But then again, I suppose you wouldn’t know since you abandoned him!” There. It’s out. What they all had been thinking. Remus expected to see something guilty on Jame’s face after it burst out but all he could see was rage. Hot. Glowing. Almost vicious pleasure.
Sirius then went stock still. He looked to Remus, searching for something that Remus couldn’t put his finger on, but Remus could only look down at his shoes.
For a second, Sirius’s eyes took on a wild, crazed look that Remus has only seen once before and tried to bury in the deep crevices of his memory but he smoothed it out so quickly that one could chalk it up to imagination. Remus braced himself for Sirius to land some sort of punch, verbal or physical. Both him and James were ready for it. Anticipating it even.
Instead, Sirius smiled
It was sickly.
“Tell me James, do you remember our second year?”
This wasn’t the response Remus expected and he could tell from the glimmer of surprise on James face that he didn’t either. Remus almost wanted bluster, anger, some sort of defensive denial. Maybe tears. James could strike back and Sirius could break down and maybe then he would feel vindicated: he was in the right for befriending Regulus and Sirius is in the wrong here.
“The year you stopped talking to him, cast him aside like he was rubbish under your shoe? Yeah, I remember.” That’s what Regulus had said. Dimly, Remus realized that at the time he thought it didn’t sound quite right. But Regulus had said it and it must be true.
“Oh, yes, that is his story, isn’t it?” The smile was still firmly in place. “Nasty little git got sorted into Slytherin. Apple of mummy’s eye. Should have been expecting it really. But he was still my brother and brother’s are brothers, so I was determined to be there for him.” Sirius’s face had fallen, Remus could remember that clearly, when his brother was sorted into Slytherin. But then again.. Sirius had pasted a smile on his face, like Sirius was now, and clapped alongside everyone else. Remus could remember that now and he felt a little sick inside. He was not sure why.
“I sought him out. In the Great Hall. Of course, he turned his head up and told me to go away. He wasn’t going to affiliate himself with blood traitors. I should have just given up then. I was a stupid bugger and I kept trying. Ambushing him outside classes, going behind your backs.” The story was flat, emotionless. “All that year until Christmas when he got a new broom and I got nothing and he laughed with Bella while mum humiliated me at the feast.” Sirius laughed and it sounded bitter. “Sure, I stopped talking to him. I can’t imagine he was too sad about it.”
James hitched a breath. “That sounds like your parents fault, not Regulus.”
“Hmmm but just a moment ago, it was mine?”
“You’re the older brother, Sirius! You could have tried”
“Right. Oh you’re so right, James. Is this what Remus and you talk about in your weekly study sessions with Crouch and Rosier?” Remus flinched involuntarily. “Evil Sirius who ran from a family that was hurting him every week. Toxic, bad Sirius who should have tried harder and dragged Regulus out by his ears? Of course, you two would know all about having to navigate that sort of situation because you lived through it, right?” James opened and closed his mouth. “Your mother and father made you feel unsafe in your own home, I suppose? Your mother and father tried to recruit and mold you into a bigot? Your mother and father use you as a target practice for curses?”
“Tell me James, he’s so pretty isn’t he? Regulus who has a Voldemort shrine in his room, Regulus who just hexed a Muggle-born last week, Regulus who sides with Walburga and my father every time he gets?” Sirius’s eyes were shining with some sort of sick fervor.
“That’s not true!” James sputtered and Remus felt even sicker because yes he did hear the rumors and he did notice that Barty and Evan sometimes cut themselves off at convenient times but they made him feel so good in the aftermath of the prank, to know that these confident purebloods wanted to be around him, that he could fit into an even more posh and frankly alluring friend group than the loud, brash Marauders.
“That’s what you think, James. They’re not the bigots, they don’t buy into that blood supremacy rubbish. You know them better, don’t you James? Remus”
James opened his mouth but Sirius kept going. “And so what if they hang round with the kind of people who tried to burn “Blood Traitor” into my back in the halls last week, hexed Mary, made a Hufflepuff first year go to the hospital. That’s not as bad, they’re brainwashed, you like them. They’re likeable. To you and Remus at least. Two of the top in your year. Eligible for recruitment. Not like me - no, I burned every last bridge of protection I could get when I ran away and denounced my family. But you two? Prime for the taking.”
Remus cut in, “Oh come off it Sirius, I doubt they want to recruit someone like me-”
Sirius whirled around and his grin grew even brighter and more false. “Oh, don’t get me started on you Remus. My own boyfriend deciding that what I did was unforgivable, fair enough I suppose, but Death Eaters in training are forgivable because they make him feel good. Going behind my back, laughing at every nasty thing Regulus says about me, belittling me at every turn. Don’t think I don’t notice how you roll your eyes when I talk about bands I like or when I try to open up about things that hurt me. You don’t think they’re especially important do you, Remus? I’m supposedly your boyfriend but I don’t think you are ever going to put me first.”
“It’s not… it’s not a competition, James and I are allowed to make friends, we can-”
“So Regulus’s friends hex me in the corridors and cast me as the villain while you and James fall all over yourself for some Pureblood glamor and a pretty smile. Well, I will give Reggiekins this. He has far better friends than I do.”
James scowled while Remus sputtered. “This is why we didn’t tell you, we knew you would react this way. Regulus isn’t like them. He’s-”
“So you keep saying James but somehow I haven’t seen an ounce of proof.” Sirius had stood up now and for once he towered over Remus, made him feel small. Even James took a tiny, involuntary step back. “All I keep hearing is that you and Remus have fallen for the same Black Family pattern that everyone else does: poor innocent Regulus and terrible, toxic Sirius, taking up space where he doesn’t belong.”
“Besides,” Sirius’s voice got louder as James opened his mouth, “even if he wasn’t a Death Eater, it wouldn’t matter. You lied to me. You and Remus went behind my back and spent months sniggering it up, throwing the way I handled my abuse into the mud, silently agreeing with every word Regulus and Crouch and Rosier said. Telling me that I need to grovel and apologize for being a teenager that left an abusive home, like Regulus is my son and I’m responsible for his life decisions, like you’re some righteous savior bringing two brothers together, like the fair and balanced approach to this is that I apologize forever and Regulus grinds me into the dirt!”
“I think both of you were in the wro-”
“Maybe we fucking were!” Sirius’s voice had finally risen into yelling. “Yet, I don’t see any acknowledging of Regulus’s wrong-doing or admitting to any of his flaws! You can’t blithely claim that you see both of the sides of the story as some afterthought while you only trumpet one of them and then pat yourself on the back for being so enlightened. You and Remus can go fuck yourself.” He was breathing heavy and Remus thought he might have seen tears on his cheeks. “Remember when you told me that you we would never truly be friends again after the prank? Well, you were right. Go crawl to your chosen Black brother and leave me alone forever.”
“Sirius, that’s not-” James’s voice dropped off. “I’m not-”
Sirius ignored him. He caught Remus’s eye though.
“Here.” Something metal caught at Remus’s cheek. He didn’t have to see it to know what it was. The star necklace he had given Sirius to let him know he was forgiven.
“Consider us over too, you bloody coward. Hope Barty doesn’t tire of you in two weeks.”
“Sirius-” Remus’s voice sounded weak to his own ears.
Sirius was already halfway towards the door. James had sunk to his knees. Neither Remus or James made any move to stop their friend.
Not now.
Maybe not ever.