Chapter 21
Regulus
By the time James finished up his second song, I was nearly certain I wasn't breathing. I hadn't heard this song either, but in all fairness, the only muggle music from the last decade I was familiar with was from that one ABBA vinyl that randomly appeared on Sirius' bed one day and I managed to hide before Kreacher or my parents got their hands on it.
But the song he picked... I realised we were both 4-5 drinks down by now but he sang the actual words “You're the one that I want,” after he'd climbed off the stage and was leaning over our table, staring so closely at me I thought he was going to...
I don't know what he was going to but I just. It was suddenly unbearably hot in the room and I was very aware of how many layers of clothing were covering me and how little I wanted them to be there, there as in the way. And that was a dangerous game we were playing.
Which, hilarious as it was, made it really easy for me to pick my own next song.
“The Name Of The Game by ABBA please,” I told the guy and went to grab the mic. I didn't know if James' song choices had been random or whether he was trying to communicate with me via them but if it was the first I would murder him for making me believe it was the second. Of course, I'd also kill him for the second option because how the fuck were you going to just sing to me in the most literal sense that you needed a man and wanted me?!
“I've seen you twice, in a short time
Only a week since we started
It seems to me, for every time
I'm getting more open-hearted”
It was criminal almost how well the lyrics went hand in hand with the circumstances I'd found myself in.
“I was an impossible case
No-one ever could reach me
But I think I can see in your face
There's a lot you can teach me
So I wanna know..”
I twirled towards the edge of the stage to really ask him the questions I was about to sing.
“What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
What's the name of the game?
Can you feel it the way I do?
Tell me please, 'cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow”
Fine. If he got off the stage, so would I. What was a little additional recklessness in this mess, right? I took slow steps towards him as I sang.
“And you make me talk
And you make me feel
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you, would you let me down?”
I'd made it in front of him, his mouth hanging open and him shaking his beautiful face in a promise, as if answering the question.
“Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you?
I placed my hand on his cheek to stop the shaking of it. I couldn't take it because it made me want to believe him, trust him, and if I did that I would… I couldn't. He swallowed, his Adam's apple moving and I found myself wondering how the skin on his neck would taste. How a red mark would look there, left by me.
“Could you feel the same way too?
I wanna know..”
He opened his mouth like he was going to respond and I placed my hand over his mouth to stop him. Oh Merlin. My hand, yes gloved but still, was on his lips. The mouth I wanted to know the skills of. The mouth I was never ever allowed to touch. I found myself suddenly dizzy and James' hands flew to my waist, somehow immediately detecting it. He pulled me to his lap and my voice barely came out as I quivered out the next lyrics.
“The name of the game
I have no friends, no-one to see
And I am never invited
Now I am here, talking to you
No wonder I get excited
Your smile, and the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling, you give me no choice
But it means a lot to me
So I wanna know..”
I was. Sitting on James Potter's lap. And I didn't ever want to leave. He read my mind, again, and pulled me closer and my hand that had been on his mouth found its way to his hair. I forced my eyes shut. This was torture, the worst kind I had experienced and it's not like I had no forbearance in the area. I had scars to prove the opposite. But none of it compared to the way his skin pulled me in like a magnet and yet I was not allowed to touch it. I couldn't. I wouldn't.
“What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
But it means a lot, what's the name of the game?
Can you feel it the way I do?
Tell me please, 'cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow”
His eyes were so clear, pupils huge and dark pulling me in like flame does a moth. He wasn't smiling anymore. But it was worse, the serious look of it, the way he was looking at me, I wanted him to never stop but also needed him to stop right the fuck now because I was about to cry because I couldn't. I couldn't have him. I-
“And you make me talk
And you make me feel
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you, would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you?
Could you feel the same way too?
I wanna know...
Oh yes, I wanna know..”
No. I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't do this. I shook my head and got up.
“I can't, I-” I handed the mic back to the karaoke dude even though the song wasn't over, “I cannot do this.” I stormed out.
I couldn't breathe. Couldn't see. Could not take another look at James and wonder what it would be like knowing damn well that whatever I may or may not feel and he may or may not reciprocate couldn't lead anywhere no matter what. I had to get out of here. Go away.
“Regulus,” his most dazzling charming sensational voice called my name and all I wanted was to turn around and just fucking kiss him. I didn't. “Reggie please-”
“No.” I needed to be angry. Angry at him. That was the only way I could maybe get through this conversation. “I cannot do this. I'm done.”
“Reg-”
“What. Part. Of a two-letter word. Do you not. Understand? No.”
“Don't do that. Don't give me that look, Regulus, please,”
“I'm not-” my voice cracked and painfully salty streams were flowing down my face, “I'm not who you think me to be,”
“And who's that?”
“We're not doing this,”
“Reggie,”
“I SAID NO. Stop poking,” it will kill me if you don't. Literally. Fuck.
“No,” he shook his head, “I won't. I'll poke until I hit the right spot. I'll keep going for however long it takes-”
“James, I'm getting married in like two fucking weeks. You don't get however long it takes” I sighed. He reached his hand towards mine to grab it and I stumbled back, shaking my head, eyes blurry, “No.” I had to get out of here.
I ran to the nearest alley, pulled out my wand and disappeared.