CH.4
The house was quiet, barely a sound echoed through the living room and kitchen. Just the slight clunk when Lily tapped her ring against the mug she held, coffee swirled around as she stood next to the counter. “The Morsmordre curse?” She whispered into the phone as she leaned back against the counter.
“Yes, we are hoping if we can find more about it then maybe we can find something connecting to… well- you know who.” Another voice filtered through in an equally cautious whisper, although she spoke monotone there was a gentleness in every word.
Lily sighed, she hated how they couldn’t speak his name all out of fear for the man behind it, fearing him or his followers. Not even The Order members spoke the name, fearing someone would think they supported him. She hated that especially. “So you want me to do some studying?” She asks, watching the hallway for any sighs of James.
“Yea-” The woman sighed, “Essentially.” There was a pause as they stayed on the phone further, neither moved to end the call. The silence stretched until she spoke again, “You guys doing okay?”
Lily stalled for a second, the coffee in her mug stilled as she thought. “Started packing all of our belongings the other day with Peter.” She whispered and stared at some of those boxes that were over the kitchen floor. “Just makes you think.” It did make her think but she had started thinking about her life long before her family had been in danger.
She didn’t need to worry about questions but changed the subject anyway. “How are you and Marlene?”
Dorcas hummed, “Doing.. Alright.” Her voice rasped as she whispered, “She’s getting suspicious of these late night and early morning calls I’ve been doing.” She insinuated with a small huff of laughter.
Lily let a small laugh out of the thought of her and Dorcas doing something Marlene would be jealous of. “Well, good news that in the next few days we won't be having any contact.” She sipped her coffee and felt a slight sadness at the end of her and Dorcas working together.
Dorcas hummed again. “And you got the necklace I sent?” Papers ruffled in the background as she asked.
Lily nodded her head, “Yea.” Instinctively she reached a hand to her chest, taking it in her hands. She smiled at the lion that was made out of silver, the emerald gem of the lion reflected in her eye. The emeralds looked at each other, admiring one another.
“Make sure to always have it on.” Dorcas worriedly she insisted as she interrupted Lily's thoughts.
“I will,” Lily tried to ease the worry. "Thank you for not choosing something like a feathered ear ring." She frowned at the thought.
"Well- I think you'd look quite nice with a cute little robin feather." Dorcas thought, making both of them laugh.
"Stop. Don't." Lily tried to be stern but her smile was evident through the phone.
"It would look good against your hair- maybe a raven's feather?" Dorcas asked rhetorically, a smirk on her face as she heard more protest.
She forcefully changed the subject. “How am I going to search about the Morsmordre curse?” Putting the mug into the sink she questioned, “I don’t have any books about dark curses. Pretty sure there won't be a library that I can go to at-”
“Stop!” Dorcas brought her phone away from her as she yelled. “Don’t tell me where, it’s a secret, remember?” She reminded, cautious as she looked around even while sitting in her own home.
Lily took a long intake, "Right." She breathed out. "Right- sorry." She glanced back at the hallway, “I still don’t like that I can’t tell you.” She admits. Although the plan to have one secret keeper is a good one, she doesn’t think it was the best one.
“It’s for the best.” Dorcas sighed, wearily looking out the window of her apartment.
‘Is it?’ Lily questioned silently.
“And, plus that’s what the necklace is for. At any point you can contact me, so if anything does happen.. Everyone will be there.” Dorcas said intensely, Lily smiled at the comfort. A hand stroking the necklace as she breathed slightly. “For the books, I can bring them to you in a couple of days. Probably in the afternoon so I won’t have to stay long, we don’t want James to be suspicious of anything- not while you’re still in ‘intelligence gathering’…”
Dorcas continued to talk but a knock at the door startled Lily out of the conversation. Rapid knocks sounded through the living room and into the kitchen.
“Lil?” Dorcas whispered the question through the phone.
“Sorry…” Lily mumbled, “Someone’s at the door.” She looked into the living room once more curiously.
“Go get it.” She heard through the phone, “I’ll see you in four days.” She spoke before Lily could refuse, the knocks repeated once more and Lily sighed.
“I’ll see you in four days then.” She said before hanging up the phone onto the wall and moving its cord out of the way on the counter.
She walked over and opened the door gently, looking through the crack to see Sirius Black outside. Confused, she opened the door fully. "Sirius?" She questioned as he walked past her entering the house. "What are you-"
"Lily? Who’s at the door-" James interrupted before stopping inside the kitchen. She looked over at him and shrugged her shoulders as she gestured to their uninvited guest. Turning back to Sirius he questioned slowly, "What are you doing here?"
Sirius didn’t say anything, all he did was place the newspaper on the table. In big bold letters, ‘THE ANCIENT AND NOBLE NOW CRUMBLE’, Orion Black was dead. As was Regulus Black. Lily was so engrossed in the paper she hadn’t watched James turn to Sirius. The silent conversation. She was too curious, it didn’t make sense, who would attack Grimmauld place? She would have known about the Order doing it, right? Surely Dorcas would have said something this big, to Sirius as well.
If it wasn’t them, why would it be Voldemort? She had too many questions standing next to someone who just found out he lost his father and his brother. She turned her attention away from the paper, focusing on her friend.
________________________________________
James turned back to his friend as he took in a deep breath, he cornered Sirius as he tried to go around the couch. With his head held low and hands complacent he questioned, “What happened?” His voice nearly breaking at Sirius looking back at him, he had never noticed how similar their eyes were. With just a hint of blue in the middle, they would be identical…
“I got something…” Sirius mumbled and James had to swallow every feeling and thought he was having. “Something- um..” He stepped away from him as he took a breath that shook him as he stood.
James let him process it, let him think about what he wanted to say. If he was being deeply honest, he didn’t want to hear what happened. He knew who it was about, that was nearly too much on its own.
“I got an invitation.” He spoke and almost spat the word out, his hand coming up to rub his face and he shook his head. “You know- I’ve been thinking, so much, about what she said.” A heavy, hurt laugh was forced out of him. “She said that we- that it was my fault. But you know, it’s Walburga Black- I’m not gonna trust a fucking word out of her mouth-” Another harsh laugh was choked out of him.
James just watched, letting him vent as he tried to follow the trail of thoughts.
“But I started to think that maybe she thought that it was my fault… because- because she thought he was like me.” Sirius turned back to look at his friend, tears just barely pooled under his bloodshot eyes.
‘Like Sirius?’ James thought, like running away Sirius. Fighting back Sirius? Sirius who joined The Order Sirius? A story was painted in those few seconds, a second of relief and hope. If he was like Sirius, then maybe he didn’t die in a Death Eater raid or on a mission for.. Him. Maybe he was trying to do what Sirius did.
“And we all know what Walburga thinks of me.” Sirius knocked him out of his thinking as he started to ramble again. “She thinks that I’m pathetic, weak- a problem. And maybe- maybe that’s why he’s dead. Because he was pathetic-” Tears started to grow as he swung his arms around and James was stunned. “And weak. He didn’t fight- he was so selfish! He didn’t fight for anything- didn’t choose to- always just doing as he’s told- God! He is so fucking-”
His voice cut off, “I'm not even..” Thoughts swirled his mind and all James could do was watch. “You aren’t what?”
“Not angry. I want to be, I wanna be angry- mad but I just..” His eye brows pinched together and his eyes dampened. “I just feel so guilty…” He looked up at James and he could see the fight behind his eyes.
Sirius took a few deep breaths as he looked away from him before turning back with vigour like an ignited flame. “I mean I shouldn't? Right? He’s a fucking- he- he’s a Death Eater.”
James took an uneven breath as he blinked away his tears. This conversation was breaking him but looking at his friend, he was too broken to know what he was saying. “Sirius..”
He didn’t stop though, he was pacing and running a hand through his chaotic hair as he heaved. “I mean he was probably on a secret mission for fucking Voldemort when he-”
It was like ice cold water being thrown onto his very soul as the name echoed through the living room. “Sirius.” James looked at him seriously as he grabbed his arm, stopping his pacing.
“What?” Sirius groaned as he turned to him, confused and still frustrated.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius tried to pull away, shaking his head as tears fell down his pale cheeks. “I’m so sorry..” He whispered, forcing Sirius into his space and holding him even when he fell to the floor. It was selfish really, he couldn’t quite handle Sirius when he had an outburst about his brother. The hurtful words, however true or not, were too hurtful to hear.
So he held him, trying to make up for it, torturing himself in silence. They stayed in the living room for a while until his friend had calmed, if only for a while.
James regretfully had to ruin the quiet. “You shouldn’t say his name.” He whispered.
Sirius shifted quickly, “Say his name?” He asked back, “Regulus’s?” The first time he had said his brother's name that night and it was out of confusion.
“No.. Not- not him.” His look back to his friend said all that he needed to as Sirius’ lip curled.
“Voldemort’s?”
“Sirius. This is important.”
“It’s a name.”
“Not everyone thinks that. You just, you need to be more careful..” He whispered to his friend, his eyes no longer pooled with tears but swirled with worry.
Sirius turned to him. “I need to be more careful?” He questioned, confused.
He shuffled in his seat as he looked anywhere but at Sirius. “There’s been some rumours goin’ around.” James shook his head softly as he sighed into his hand.
Sirius huffed a sigh, he knew where this was going. “About me?”
He nodded his head slowly before looking over at his friend. “They- they're saying how because you’re… you know.” James cringed as he watched Sirius watch him with a raised eyebrow. “A Black,” Sirius swallowed the scoff he wanted to let out. “Some people are worried you might still have ties to the family? Or loyalty-”
“Really?” Sirius interrupted with an outraged shout. James interrupted with a whispered spell, “Imperturbed.” He ruffled his hair as he leant forwards with his head in his hands before he shot up and turned to James. “Well, are you?” He asked suddenly, crossing his arms as he stared at his friend.
James scoffed this time, “No! No, I’m not.” He stared back as he watched Sirius un cross his arms and sigh into the couch reluctantly. He rolled his eyes at him, “I don’t believe it.” He confirmed.
“That’s great- thank you for not believing that I am loyal to a mass murdering maniac.” The words rolled off his tongue quickly, “Mass murdering maniac..” He whispered again faster. “Say that five times.”
“Sirius.” James turned to his friend with disappointment. “A child could do that.” He shook his head.
He shrunk backwards as his face scrunched, “No they couldn't.” He argued, “Mass murdering maniac.. Mass murdering maniac..”
“Are you being- really?” He asked before sighing himself. “Mass murdering maniac- mass murdering maniad- mass murdering maniad..” James turned away as Sirius stood victorious and pointed at his friend.
“What’s a maniad James?” He gestured around as James berated himself, Sirius laughed and so James smiled too. It broke through his disappointment and soon they were both giggling together, it might’ve been the first laugh Sirius had since he heard the news. James’s smile dropped as he remembered, an urge to defend him even to his own brother and he was about to. Taking a breath to start the fight, be the cause of why there is no longer a smile on Sirius’s face.
“Well, you guys look like you’re feeling better.” Lily spoke as she entered the muffliato charm and looked at them, both of the boys turned to her. Sirius smiled softly as he started to remember too, their conversations always shifted far.
James couldn’t help but watch his friend, watch how his smile fell and his eyes hollowed, it was why he didn’t notice Lily watching him. Curious about every detail of pain he was showing through tight eyebrows and small frowns. “Uh- James still needs to pack his things… if you still want to help us pack?” She offered with a gentle smile and James was already watching for what his friend was going to do.
Sirius took a long inhale before nodding, “Yea- yea, I can do that.”
So, they all went upstairs, quietly sneaking past Harry’s room to not wake him and opening every drawer and door to get all the clothes out. They worked silently together, sometimes questions floated but conversations never stuck and they would eventually return to silence.
James had a lot of questions, some were to ask Sirius but the others… they were questions he will probably never get an answer to.
James knew Sirius, some would say like the back of his hand and it was true. James could most likely guess what Sirius would do and how he would react in most situations but when it came to his brother, you couldn’t tell what he would do. What he was thinking. Feeling. Nothing was straight forward. It's always full of twists, lies and half-truths. It’s messy, much like their relationship. Past- relationship.
Like before, when he called him pathetic or weak. He might have meant that James isn't sure, but what he does know is that most of that frustration is guilt. Guilt for not staying, for leaving, for allowing that to happen. You can word it anyway but in the end, it’s just guilt and it’s eating him alive.
It’s like a deadly parasite, sometimes it works in silence and is unknown to the people around. But it’s like he is watching it as it degrades him, sucking his life from his soul and replacing it with a hole that James isn’t sure anybody could fill. Not him, not Remus, not Peter.
“Hey- where’s your mirror?” Sirius turned to him as he poked his head out of the wardrobe, James shook himself out of his thoughts as he turned to his friend.
“It should be somewhere in there.” James replied as he tried to finish folding the pile of clothes in front of him. “I can't find it!” Sirius stressed through a whispered yell as he walked away from the wardrobe and sat next to James on the floor once more. Lily was asleep on the bed that had clothing on one side that had yet to be packed.
“It’ll be there somewhere.” James yawned as he rubbed his face to stay awake, it was late by now, too late.
“You better find it before you leave.” Sirius warned through his own stifled yawn as he laid back against the bed.
James allowed silence to take over once more before he turned to his friend, many questions filtered through his mind. He only asked one thought, “Are you going to go?”
Sirius opened one of his eyes as he looked at him before closing it and leaning away. “No…” Another silenced as the answer floated through the air, James just nodded as he turned away. “Do you think…” Sirius started before his voice broke off, “I just- I can’t-” James turned quickly to stop him with a hand on his arm.
He just shook his head softly as he comforted him, “It’s alright, that’s okay.” He whispered, unsure if he would be able to go either. He doesn’t think he’d be able to walk in the room, up the path… to see him. As he wrapped an arm around his friend he swallowed his tears once more, grief clawed at his throat but he held it down. Focusing on comforting his friend instead or trying too.