Memento Mori
February 14th, 1980
Sirius
Sirius is frozen on the steps to the funeral home. Hope, Remus’ mother, had insisted on a muggle service separate from the Order’s wizarding one so that her family could come pay their respects to her son as well. Lily is behind him, a hand on his back to offer support and gently urge him forward.
Only the two of them had come from their friend group. Hope had also wanted it to be as private as possible, but couldn’t refuse Sirius when he’d asked to come. And asked Lily to be there with him, as Remus’ best friend. It was just as well, James had said, He hadn’t been sure he’d be able to stomach Remus’ funeral twice. The rest of their friends had agreed.
He gets pitiful looks from some people he doesn’t recognize- just the regular sympathy everyone throws around to everyone at funeral- all in stuffy, black, formal clothing. Tugging at the collar of his own muggle style suit, he takes a deep breath, and allows Lily to guide him inside.
Hope and Lyall are just within the door, greeting Hope’s siblings and closest cousins as they file in. Perhaps twenty people altogether, about the same amount as the order members who’d been fond enough of Remus to show up at his memorial two days ago.
Lyall’s grim face tightens when he sees them, but Hope pulls Sirius into a long, tight hug. The affection doesn’t surprise him by much. Though they’ve only met a few times, she’s always been warm and welcoming to him, along with James and Peter. “Thank you for coming, Dear.”
“I’m sorry if I’m intruding, I know you wanted only family here, but I had to-”
She shushes his, pulling back just enough to stare at him with her soft brown eyes-his Moony’s eyes. “Nonsense. You two were his family.” She’s quiet for a moment, as if debating saying anything, but must decide to go ahead. “He’d mentioned you lost your brother recently, I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks. We weren’t that close, but…” He trails off, gesturing vaguely. Hope seems to understand what he means. She squeezes him once before letting go and moving to hug Lily.
“Oh,” she laughs, sadly and wetly as she notices the small baby bump. “I’d forgotten Remus said that as well. It’s hardly the time, but I suppose congratulations are still in order.”
Lily laughs wetly, and the rest of her exchange with Hope is lost to Sirius as he turns to Lyall. The man towers over him, like Remus had, though in a much more intimidating manner. He’d come to learn Remus’ soft edges and warm touch beneath the prickly surface, whereas all he knows of the man’s father is the sharp stiffness he holds himself with now.
“Mr. Lupin,” he nods, looking somewhere past the man’s ear, unable to make eye contact.
Lyall’s face is hard as stone, though his voice is incredibly soft and tired as he speaks. “Sirius.” He nods back. “Remus would have appreciated you coming.”
“I’m not so sure. We weren’t on the best of terms,” Sirius chokes, taken aback by the…kindness? The older man is giving him. “I had to come anyway.”
Lyall’s expression breaks for the first time that Sirius has ever seen. “I know exactly the feeling,” he says. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with myself, how things were left off between my boy and me.”
Sirius opens his mouth, then closes it, unsure what to say, but then Remus’ father clears his throat. “We shouldn’t keep people waiting.” And let’s Hope lead the way to her family.
“Wait!” Sirius cries out suddenly, though she’s already been sucked into a group of her nieces and nephews, some of them Remus’ age. Lyall turns around, though, so Sirius asks him, “what do I say if people ask who I am?”
Lily grabs his hand and squeezes it hard, calming him slightly as his heart jumps to his throat and picks up speed. Lyall seems contemplative for a moment, then sighs softly, and says, “Whatever you want them to know. Remus was never ashamed of you. If he could, he’d tell them himself what you were to him.”
The service is unlike any funeral Sirius has ever been to, but Lily tells him it was pretty standard for muggles. She’d been to her grandmother’s when she was younger. Both of Remus’ parents stand in the front to say a few words together, then some of Remus’ next closest family members follow one by one. His grandmother, an aunt perhaps, and a cousin.
A few people do approach them afterward to talk to them about Remus, curious of the two people there that none of them know.
They’re staying to the side, not mingling with anyone that doesn’t approach them first, not wanting to intrude, when a little girl, around ten years old, comes up to them.
Her two front teeth are both missing, giving her a lisp when she asks Lily, “were you Remy’s girlfriend?”
Sirius let’s out a startled laugh at the nickname, finding it completely adorable, and Lily flushes nearly as red as her hair at the question. “No, I was just his friend,” she tells the girl, crouching down to talk to her. “I’m Lily. This is Sirius.”
“Sirius is a weird name. Like Remus, and Romulus.” Sirius is familiar with the story behind Remus’ namesake, the irony with it. “Why do you suppose we were such good friends?”
She seems to contemplate this. “That makes sense. I’m Emma.”
“What a very pretty and perfectly normal name.” He smiles genuinely.
Emma beams at him, then skips away with a pep only a child could have at a funeral. Sirius isn’t sure whether she wasn’t all that close to Remus, or if she merely isn’t old enough to fully understand that he’s dead, but he envies the innocence. He turns to Lily, finding her eyes, an odd look on her face.
“What?”
“Nothing, just… You’re good with kids.”
He snorts, an ache in his chest. “Moony and I never would’ve had any, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“No, but… will you be godfather?” she blurts out.
“What?” his heart skips a beat, and for a moment he entirely forgets where they are.
She goes pale. “I just mean… fuck, now is such a terrible time, and James wanted to be the one to ask, fuck.”
“You want me to be… godfather,” he looks down pointedly at her stomach.
“Yes,” she nods and breathes shakily. “And Marlene godmother. She’s already said yes, but James and I were waiting for the right moment with you, given everything.”
“Godfather,” he repeats. “You trust me with your kid that much?”
“I trust you with my life, you idiot,” she rolls her eyes. “There’s no one I’d trust more to raise my child if anything happened to James and me, except,” she looks down, then out across the room, the reality of the day crashing back down on both of them. People continue moving around each other, sharing whatever stories they have about Remus with each other. “We were going to ask both of you.” Her voice is so quiet he wouldn’t have caught it had he not guessed what she’d say.
He hugs her then, without warning and just starts sobbing into her shoulder. “I’m gonna be the worst fucking influence ever, you’re gonna regret this so much.”
She laughs as she hugs him back. “I know.”
Hope makes her way around to them eventually. Guiding an elderly man on her arm, perhaps her father. “Good news? Looked like it earlier.”
Sirius might feel bad for the timing, were it not for the sparkly of, well, hope in her eyes. We could all use some happiness right now, he thinks. “Lily’s asked me to be godfather.”
Hopes face lights up, genuinely bright for probably the first time since learning of her son’s death. “Oh,” she gasps, then throws her free arm around each of them in turn. “Oh, Remus would love that.”
“He would’ve been too,” Lily smiles. “I don’t know why it came out of me just now. Perhaps it was good timing, This way he’s part of it.
“What a dear thing,” the old man at her side says. “Do you know the gender yet?”
Sirius doesn’t know what the hell that means. You can’t know the baby’s gender until it’s born, but Lily shakes her head. “No, my husband and I want to be surprised. But if it’s a girl, she’ll be named Harleen after my husband’s grandmother, and Harry for a boy, after my grandfather.”
“Those are both beautiful,” Hope grins. “Dad this is Lily, Remus’ best friend, and Sirius, his…” she falters, looking to Sirius, leaving the door open for him.
“Boyfriend,” Sirius finishes for her. “I was Remus’ boyfriend.”
The old man startles, then laughs. “Oh, your sister owes me money now Hopie. Oh, I knew there was something funny about that boy.” Then he hobbles off, Hope chasing after him, furiously whispering to him that he can’t go telling everyone now unless Sirius is okay with it. Sirius fights a grin and Lily hides a smile in her fist.
“When I woke up today,” Sirius shakes his head. “Laughing and smiling so much is the last thing I thought I’d be doing.” She groans and drops her head onto his arm.
“It’s refreshing, though, isn’t it?”
Before he can respond, a conversation to their left catches his attention.
“…Just awful.”
“Both of them? Jesus, I hadn’t even known there’d been another one.”
Lily notices where his focus has gone and turns herself to the middle-aged man and woman. Speaking in a cluster with three others.
“Yes,” a third person says. “Well, of course Poor Hope and Lyall, they wouldn’t want to speak of it. And the boys were so young, I bet Remus never remembered him much.”
“What happened?” A fourth.
The first chimes in again. “A freak accident when they were four years old, don’t know the details.”
Sirius stops breathing, and Lily sucks in a gasp beside him , looking to him for an explanation before quickly realizing he’s as confused as she is.
The fifth person in the group speaks now. “I couldn’t imagine losing any of my children. And Hope and Lyall are both so dear, to have lost both of theirs. It’s the worst thing in the world, I imagine.”
“We should go,” Lily says, grabbing Sirius’ hand and tugging him along.
“Yeah,” he agrees. “Yeah, just- let’s find either Hope or Mr. Lupin first to say goodbye.” He’s utterly stunned. Remus had a brother? A twin, it sounds like, if they were the same age. And… Merlin, the ‘freak accident’ they spoke of… A whole new layer of Remus’ shame and hatred for his lycanthropy has just been revealed to Sirius. Gods know if he’d lost Regulus to something like that when they were younger and still got along…
“Don’t’ say anything to them, Sirius,” Lily pleads. “They don’t need that today. Wait a while and then ask them about it, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he says again, mind spinning. He feels like he’s been thrown into an icy river, what small amount of joy Lily and Hope had managed to salvage for him today officially ruined.