He's at the Astronomy Tower again. He shouldn't be there. Especially when he's really really drunk.
Drunk or not he shouldn't be there. He should hate that place because it held too much memories. Memories that hurt.
He and Regulus broke up two months ago. That's when James also found out that Regulus got the Mark. He promised him that he wouldn't. That he would fight with James. That he would fight for James.
He should be over it at that point. Especially when he saw that Regulus was. He was perfectly fine everytime he saw him in the corridors.He wanted to said something to him. Ask him how is he. But he didn't. After all it's Regulus who wanted to broke up. Maybe all of that was a lie? Maybe he didn't loved him at all?
James' thoughts were like that for that last two months. And they become louder and louder with every hour. He felt like his head could explode at that point. His hands traveled to his hair to pull at them.
"Shut up, just shut the fuck up" he wanted silence. He needed silence. But his thoughts were even louder than the music in Gryffindor comon room.
Oh get over it, you knew that this relationship was not supposed to happen in the first place. He told you that. But you, you just had to go for it. You told yourself that you could save him. You're not a god. What were you thinking? It's all your fault that you're hurt now. You did this to yourself.
He felt hot tears on his cheeks. It was too much. He fell to his knees covering his face with his hands and screamed. And hasn't stoped. He wanted out. He needed out. He didn't want to feel like this anymore.
Then, he heard the door shut. He froze. No one could see him here. No one could see him like that.
Broken.
He slowly looked up at whoever came here. He was ready to snap at them to get the hell out. It's their place. And no one's else.
But oh. Oh.
Regulus.
James often thought about what he would do or say to him if they ever meet alone again. He thought he would break down. He would brust in tears and beg him to come back to him.
And when they finally met, he did break down. But not from sadness. From anger.
"You." James said through his gritted teeths. He slowly stood up and immediately staggered, he was still really drunk.
"Me." Regulus answered eyeing him with those cold grey eyes. These eyes used to look at James with love. Not with contempt. Or maybe it was all in James' imagination.
"What are you doing here?" his fists clenched at his sides. One more minute here with him and he will bloody loose it.
"Well, it's night and this is Astronomy Tower so I'm here to watch stars. You, on the other hand, are not watching stars. So better question is, what are you doing here? Waiting for someone? Maybe some redhead?" Expression on Regulus' face hasn't changed. It might be terrifying actually. That boy show no emotions.
But that answer from Regulus was the last string for James. He couldn't held himself anymore.
"How dare you?! How dare you say to me that? Did I really meant this little to you? I'm here every bloody night since we broke up, because I can't sleep. You may ask why. And I can give you an answer. I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE ALL I HAVE IN MY MIND IS YOU AND THAT FUCKING HURTS ME LIKE I COULD DIE ANY SECOND" James' cheeks once again covered with tears. Regulus just stood there, maybe five steps away from James. But his eyes widened at what he had just heard. Wow, so he has feelings after all James thought.
When Regulus didn't said anything, James continued his monologue, 'cause once he started, he won't, or more likely, can't stop.
"You may say it's all my fault. It was I who wanted to be with you when you clearly said that you didn't want to. I was so fucking happy when you finally agreed to date me. I felt like I was the luckiest guy in the world. But that only made me look naive in the end. I should have known better when I agreed to met you only here. At night. So no one could see us. It was fine. But later it only felt like you were ashamed that you feel something for me."
"But You were lying all the time. One lie after another. Lie about that you didnt bully those kids from first year, lie about calling muggle-borns slurs, lie about loving me, lie about the fact that you want to escape that house. Even about the Dark Mark. I don't even know if if I didn't saw it by accident you would tell me. Probably not. I know I'm not perfect and also made many mistakes, but you? You made my worst ones look fine." Hysterical laugh escaped James' mouth. He felt like he slowly was loosing his mind.
"You know, I truly believed that I could save you. I believed that you wanted to fight, but you needed help. I know it's stupid. You never wanted that. But also how can I be enough to save you from them when it turns out I can't even save me from myself?" his voice dropped to whisper. He looked at his feet, not able to look at Regulus anymore. His anger was slowly fading out giving place for sadness.
"I loved you truly, you know that, Reg? You must laugh at that with your friends now, or even then, you already did. Remember how you told me that you don't even like them? You just stay with them because you don't want to end up alone in this school. And you didn't. Now you have a lot of people to impress with your devotion to The Dark Lord. You have achieved what you wanted" Another laugh escaped James' mouth, but that one was just wet and sad.
When after all that he still didn't got a respond he looked up. Regulus was staring at James like he had three heads, like he was a stranger.
"Sorry to disappoint you Potter, but i won't break myself because of you like you did. Just get over it." That's when Regulus put his mask on again and left James there.
Left him again.
James lost it again. His screams filled the air again.
But this time no one came to stop them.