Hogwarts : The Bangtan Episode

“Kim! Come on, lunch started ten minutes ago. Why are you still here wasting my time?”

Namjoon closed his transfiguration book slowly, disappointed he hadn’t gotten to read more. The professor had given a rather fascinating lesson today, and Namjoon had been wondering how he could apply it to-

“NAMJOON!” Yoongi barked, whipping Namjoon back into the present. 

“Sorry Hyung, I’m coming-” Namjoon threw all his things into his bag and followed the ill-tempered Slytherin into the halls. “Just got a little carried away in the lesson.”

“You’re always carried away in the lesson.”

“. . . I just really like all the lessons we learn.”

“Kiss ass.”

“. . . sorry.”

Yoongi sighed, running his hand through his fine black hair. Namjoon looked down at his shoes, readjusting his thick glasses in absence of conversation. He never was any good at talking, but he guessed that was why Yoongi put up with him.

“Don’t be sorry. At least one of us is enjoying themselves,” he finally said, tightening his robes. “It’s only Wednesday and I’m already ready to leave.”

“But I thought you said in your letters you couldn’t wait to leave your home? That your ‘stupid overbearing Pureblood mother’ was-”

“Fuck Joon, if I wanted my letters recited to me I would’ve had you send me a howler. Yeah, my home sucks, but at least there I don’t have to put up with teachers, homework, and-”

“Hi Yoongi!” Park Jimin walked by, batting his eyelashes at Yoongi, who only rolled his eyes.

“That.”

Yoongi was a fifth year Pureblood Slytherin through and through. Namjoon had never met someone who came from such outdated and intense ideas. His parents were the definition of death eaters, if those were real things anymore. Park Jimin was similar, but a second year with a little nicer parents. If Yoongi was open to it, they’d be a match made in evil purist heaven.

But unfortunately for Jimin, Yoongi couldn’t be less interested. 

“I don’t understand why he keeps trying to flirt with me-” Yoongi growled as they walked into the dining hall. “I never respond to him.”

“Hyung, if I understood flirting, I don’t think I’d be sitting alone with you everyday,” Namjoon stated. Yoongi shrugged, sitting himself down at the end of the Ravenclaw table. They typically sat there, even though it wasn’t Yoongi’s house. The Ravenclaws never minded, and the Slytherins chose not to say anything. (at least not to their faces, they were rather afraid of Yoongi. They had once tried to sit at the Slytherin table, but Namjoon had received more death glares and threats in one dinner than some of the greatest aurors.)

“Why don’t you like Jimin anyway? He’s a Slytherin,” Namjoon stated, waiting patiently for his food to appear.

“What an amazing observation Ravenclaw. Took being a genius to figure that one out, huh?”

“What? It’s true. He’s smart, popular, pureblood if you want to make your parents happy. I suppose he’s cute too?”

“Namjoon, he’s part veela. Yes, he’s cute.”

“So why not?”

Yoongi didn’t respond, but rather started eating his soup. He completely dodged all eye contact with Namjoon, making the younger wonder if he offended him.

“. . . maybe I should go out with him just to get people to stop asking why not.”

Namjoon frowned at that answer, if you could even call it an answer. 

“But you don’t like him?”

“Nope,” Yoongi stated, sipping from his cup. “Not my. . . type.”

“Type? What’s that mean?”

“Fuck Joon, how do you know everything yet nothing?” Namjoon scowled at that. “My type. Your type. Anyone’s type. It’s whatever traits you like in someone.”

Namjoon nodded his head, memorizing the definition in case he had to repeat it. He knew it was a little silly, no one would ever test him on what his type was, but just in case. . . 

“So what is your type, Hyung?” Namjoon asked, pointing his fork at him.

“Tough to say, but Jimin just isn’t cutting it for me. Too. . . Jimin. I like something a little rougher, I guess? I’m not sure. Jimin just seems frail.”

“What other options are there? Do you even need a boyfriend? Girlfriend? Why do we want those anyways?”

“Joon, trust me. You’ll want one. You just haven’t gotten a taste of it yet.”

“Taste of what exactly?”

Yoongi threw a piece of bread across the table, hitting Namjoon in the head.

“Stop being perverted. That’s not what I meant.”

“But you smirked! I thought-”

“Of course I meant it like that,” Yoongi snorted, smiling at Namjoon with gummy teeth. “I was only messing with you.”

“Rude.”

“I’m a Slytherin.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to be an as-” A rough shoulder collided into Namjoon’s back, shoving him into the table. As soon as his breath left him, a kind voice already started fussing over him.

“Oh for fucks sake, I am so sorry! I should’ve been more careful-” A Gryffindor Prefect was dusting Namjoon’s shoulders off, worryingly checking on him. “Hoseok you asshat! Don’t push me into people!”

“Sorry Jin-Hyung,” the other Prefect replied honestly, helping grab Namjoon’s fallen bag. “Didn’t mean to disturb you two. Have a great lunch!”

And with that the two left. 

“The hell?” Namjoon rubbed his neck, annoyed. Weren’t Prefects supposed to be more aware and attentive? These ones must’ve gotten the position through their good looks, not by their brain cells. Namjoon shuddered in annoyance, his mood deteriorating by the minute. 

“Prefects, pfff,” Yoongi scoffed, returning to his food. “Just when I didn’t think Hogwarts could get dumber, they put a mudblood and a disgraced pureblood in charge of their houses. Next you’re gonna tell me they want all mudbloods as Prefects and Head Boys and Girls, just to piss me off.”

“Hyung, respectfully, shut up.”

“Respectfully, tell me what to do again and I’ll jinx your wand into your ass. Don’t push me Kim.”

Namjoon rolled his eyes, finishing his food and gathering his stuff. He was already in a bad mood and Yoongi only was going to make it worse. He had some time before his next class and he wanted to get a headstart on this semester’s homework. If he hurried, he’d make it to his favorite spot on the lake before some wandering second years beat him to it. 

“Well, you won’t need to jinx anything for yourself, because you already have a stick up your ass. I’m going to study. Don’t get assaulted by Jimin while I’m gone, or do. You did say you like it rougher.”

“Kim Namjoon-” Yoongi started to hiss, but Namjoon already left before he could make more threats. He loved Yoongi, he really did. They practically grew up here, but sometimes he needed an ego check. Namjoon might be a bit thick, but he wasn’t stupid or a pushover. He could hold his own. 

Quickly, he exited the Great Hall and made a beeline to the lake. Sure enough, his favorite spot was empty, and Namjoon made himself comfortable. Even Yoongi didn’t know about this place, it was his own little secret. 

His special spot was in a shady alcove of trees which grew right up to the edge of the lake. Here there was plenty of breeze and shade, but you still had the view of the entire lake in front of you. Namjoon would sit on the rocks and study, reading and writing all his papers and scrolls when weather permitted. When it got cold he would come to watch the snow fall, or skate a little on the ice. When it was warm, he’d go swimming, or even for a light jog. 

When he was a second year, Namjoon would get relentlessly picked on for his body proportions. It was always something, how his shoulders were too wide for his thin frame, or how lanky his legs looked. Figuring he would outsmart the comments, Namjoon picked up a muggle book on exercise and figures. He learned a few exercises, and found a small joy in his private workout sessions. It wasn’t anything crazy, but the outlet felt nice. 

Which was exactly why he was now throwing his robes on the forest floor, choosing to strip and go for a quick swim. Exercise, study, and push all feelings down. They’d go away if he ignored them. 

He dove into the cool water, taking in how the water lapped around his body. Here, he felt in control. He could move all of his limbs exactly how he wanted, without anyone to judge or comment. No one could tell him to swim faster, or stronger. No one could say it could be done differently. He was in complete control of himself, and he relished in it. 

It would’ve been a perfect afternoon.

Would’ve.

Except as he got out of the lake, he quietly moved to put on his clothes, taking his time. No one ever came this far out of the castle, so why should he be paranoid?

Which is exactly why Namjoon froze when he made eye contact with a sweaty, shocked, Gryffindor first year. It took him half a minute to realize this person was real, but there definitely was a young kid staring at him (thank god he kept his boxers on). Namjoon swallowed, unsure how to go about this interaction. He never really was good at people, but this didn’t seem like a situation anyone was supposed to be good at. Except maybe Yoongi-Hyung. He always knew what to say when things were awkward. 

“Uh-” Namjoon started, not knowing where to go. He figured he’d try to be like Yoongi. Cool, unbothered. Untouchable. “What you want?”

He had meant for it to sound more uncouth, like the rappers and idols he saw in the news. But. . . it came out more choked and rude, and the younger kid’s eyes widened in fear (maybe fear? Namjoon couldn’t really tell. This kid’s face was like 80% eyes, so he didn’t have a lot of other features to work with. Or. . . maybe Namjoon was just bad at reading people. Two completely reasonable and sensible options.)

The younger squeaked a small response, before blushing hard. He turned around to run, and ran head first into a tree.

“Oh shit!” Namjoon immediately moved forward, helping the kid sit down. “Are you okay?”

“Uh, fuck, no?” The boy responded, rubbing his face where his glasses had been imprinted into him. Namjoon moved his hands and saw one of the lenses had been cracked, and ran to go grab his wand. While digging in his clothes he slipped his pants back on, hoping to salvage some of this weird interaction.

“Here-” Namjoon grabbed the glasses, waving his wand. “Reparo.”

The lenses mended themselves together, and Namjoon gently handed them back.

“Happens to me all the time. Pretty clumsy,” Namjoon sheepishly said, rubbing his neck. “Uh, I guess I should introduce myself?”

Namjoon held out his hand awkwardly.

“Kim Namjoon. Fourth Year. Ravenclaw.”

The young boy stared at his open hand with wide eyes, before gingerly shaking it.

“Jeon Jungkook. First year. Gryffindor.”

“Jungkook? Korean too? Cool. Always nice to meet more of us.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Can I. . . can I ask why you were out here? First years are supposed to stay close to the castle.”

“I was just trying to. . . trying to go for a run without people. . . watching me?”

“Watching you?” Namjoon asked, sitting back on the ground next to Jungkook. “What do you mean?”

“Uh, you. . . you can’t see me?”

Namjoon blinked twice, before shaking his head.

“I’ll be totally honest, Jungkook, I’m not wearing my glasses right now. I can see nothing. You are a blurry blob.”

Namjoon didn’t really get why, but Jungkook seemed to deflate a little in relief. 

“Oh, okay. It. . . it doesn’t matter. I just needed to get out. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you, I honestly didn’t know anyone was here.”

“Yeah, I came here to get away too. Nice place for studying, swimming, jogging. Just a work out spot really.”

Jungkook paused for a second, not responding. He seemed to be thinking, so Namjoon went back to finish getting dressed while he waited.

“. . . my glasses. You fixed them?”

“Yeah. Reparo. Easy spell, you’ll learn it soon.”

“But you did it so easily. And quickly. You’re a fourth year.”

“And? I really like charms. And transfiguration. And potions. And-you know what? I’m a Ravenclaw. You should’ve been able to guess I’m a good student by now.”

Jungkook lightly chuckled at Namjoon’s response, and the elder was happy things were getting less awkward. Somehow he had made a friend. Yoongi would lose his mind at this story.

“Would you. . . would you maybe know how to undo a beautification spell?”

“A what?”

“A. . . beaut-ification spell?”

Namjoon finished throwing his robes on, grabbing his glasses from his pocket. He slipped them on and looked at Jungkook, shocked to see a perfect human staring back at him. Jungkook was literally gorgeous. No flaws, perfect proportions, he was a literal god. From a scientific standpoint, he was the type of all types, and Namjoon wondered what Yoongi-Hyung would think of him.

“You’re under a beaut-ification spell?” Namjoon asked, slowly approaching.

“Yeah. My fifth year friend was just trying to spruce me up, and I guess he overdid it because this was supposed to fade 48 hours ago. Now I’m just a handsome freak show everyone won’t talk to, but stares at.”

“Well. . . I know some healing charms, but they’re mostly taught in N.E.W.T. courses, shit, I should’ve studied them, what was I thinking! For merlin’s sake Namjoon study something interesting instead of color spells and-”

“Uh, Namjoon?”

“Oh, sorry. Yes, well. . . I could try one. But it’s more for split lips and broken noses. Maybe it’ll work?”

Jungkook bit his lip, thinking for a second. Suddenly, his eyes lit up and he took a few steps back. 

“Hit me with every spell you know. Really go for it. Mess my face up, and you can then fix it! Your spell should reset it, and I’ll be back to normal!”

Namjoon just stared at the Gryffindor, realizing just how brave this kid was.

“But, what if my spell doesn’t-”

“I don’t care! Do it! Worst things happen, you can just take me to the Hospital Wing and say it was a potions accident. No harm!”

“But, it’s your face. And it’s a lot of harm.”

Jungkook waved his hand, and urged Namjoon to start.

“Come on Hyung! Just do it!” 

Namjoon didn’t want to, and he knew he shouldn’t, but something snapped when Jungkook called him Hyung. This kid barely knew him, and maybe it was just misplaced bravery, but it seemed an awful lot like trust, and no one trusted Namjoon. He was too clumsy, too clever and smart for his own good. No one ever asked him for anything, and no one ever called him Hyung.

“. . . okay. Let’s try it.”

“Yay! Fuck up my face Joon! Do it!”

“Well, shit. Here we go-” Namjoonpointed his wand at Jungkook’s face and readied himself. He knew tons of prank spells, he watched Yoongi use them everyday. He just had to pick a select few that would wreck the beauty spell, and all would be fine.

“Densaugeo!” Namjoon muttered, and Jungkook winced, waiting for pain. He was shocked to watch as his front teeth began to rapidly grow like beaver teeth, stopping well past his jaw. 

“Wow! Ffathh, perffecthh Hyung!”

“Colovaria-” Red spots appeared on his skin, wrecking the glassy shine.

“Diminuendo-” Jungkook’s nose shrunk smaller and smaller, ruining his perfectly proportioned face.

“Calvorio-” Tufts of Jungkook’s hair fell from his head.

“This one might hurt, sorry!” Namjoon twirled his wand and performed the Conjunctivitis Curse, a nasty spell Yoongi liked putting on first years who stared at him. Jungkook’s eyes swelled shut, growing pink and puffy.

Namjoon bit his lip, putting the Leek Jinx on Jungkook as well so plants grew from his ears.

“Redactum Skullus-” Namjoon whispered, hoping this was the last spell he needed to do. Jungkook’s head shrunk just a tiny bit, leaving him completely messed up. Namjoon knew he couldn’t see or hear anymore, so he lightly tapped his shoulder.

“YOU OKAY?”

Jungkook weaky nodded, giving Namjoon a thumbs up with swollen fingers.

Namjoon moved in, raising his wand to try his spell when someone new walked into the clearing. 

“EXPELLIARMUS!” Namjoon’s wand flew from his hand, and he scrambled away. “GET AWAY FROM HIM!”

Park Jimin was slowly approaching, menacingly pointing his wand at Namjoon who could only blink in fear. 

“Jungkook? Are you okay?” Kim Taehyung appeared behind Jimin, walking slowly up to Jungkook. “Oh fuck! What did you do to him!?”

Jimin stormed forward, grabbing Namjoon by the collar.

“You think this is FUNNY?! Just because he’s more handsome than you? Huh? Yeah real funny! LET’S ALL HEX THE POOR FIRST YEAR JUST BECAUSE HE’S PRETTY. REAL MATURE.”

Namjoon squeaked in terror, Jimin looked absolutely livid. 

“I-I- he asked for it!”

Apparently that was the wrong choice of words, because Jimin exploded in anger.

“HE ASKED FOR IT?! YOU’RE ASKING FOR IT! I’M GOING TO CURSE YOUR FUCKING TONGUE TO TIE ITSELF INTO A KNOT SO YOU STOP SAYING SUCH STUPID SHIT YOU USELESS, ROTTEN RAVENCLAW SCUM! I’LL-”

“Enough!” Taehyung yelled. “We’ll deal with him later. We need to help Jungkook now. We have to go to the Hyungs. They can help.”