Sirius hadn't expected the first time he saw Regulus after he left to go well, but he hadn't expected it to go awfully either. Truthfully, he had expected them to ignore each other and move on.
That was until he opened his mouth and made a snide remark about the Slytherin loyalties to James and Peter, something that made tears spring to Pandora's eyes and a helpless sigh to escape from Evan. Dorcas moves to block them from view and opens her mouth to retaliate, which was to be expected, it was a low blow, especially from Sirius who knows just how hard it is to be a part of one of the families of the Sacred 28. Dorcas doesn't get the opportunity to respond as someone else speaks,
“You don’t really want to hear the truth, do you?” Regulus steps forward, eyes ablaze with a ferocity that surprises those surrounding them. “All you ever wanted was to be right.”
Sirius’ brow furrows as he watches his brother, tear up as he speaks to him. There’s anger, resentment and so much pain, always fucking pain but there's also hurt and Sirius can’t decide which is worse.
“Even if it means you have to lie.” It’s unclear what he’s referring to here, it could be anything. Sirius doesn’t know his brother well enough to tell what he’s thinking anymore, he doesn’t know Regulus anymore.
“The only thing you’ve proven is that there’s no one better at making me feel worse.” Regulus steps forward again, getting closer to Sirius and visibly shaking with the emotional toll this is taking on him. Sirius feels like a child again, wanting to just grab Regulus and hold him, to try and soothe him.
Sirius hates his brother. Hates how quiet he is, how malleable he is, how silent and adaptable and fucking awful he is but he can’t forget. How can he forget, that all he is and all he will ever be is Regulus’ big brother, What even is he if not a brother?
He isn’t a good sibling, he knows that he’s probably one of the worst but he isn’t anyone without Regulus and he hates him for that as well.
Sirius will never love anyone as much as he loves Regulus.
“You really are the winner, Take a bow, you’re the winner.” Regulus gestures widely, tears falling down his cheeks, eyes wide, dangerous and pained. He laughs wetly and sarcastically when Sirius stays silent and unmoving.
“You really are the winner.” He scrubs his robe sleeves across his cheeks, stepping back and moving to leave, this is pointless as always. Nothing ever comes from them talking, what even is the point anymore?
“Regulus-” Sirius wants to reach for him, there’s an ache in his chest and a ringing in his ears as the hopelessness of Regulus walking away washes over him, his words and his movements clanging around in Sirius’ head as he tries to think.
“No,” Regulus turns back, using the opportunity to lay out exactly how he feels, “There’s nothing that kills me more than what you did, so bask inside your victory.”
Sirius can’t speak, his heart rests in his throat and his mind is clouded and unfocused. He never meant for any of this, he wishes they didn’t have to suffer like this. Why them? What did they do to deserve this?
“My heart that once was beating, is now bleeding in the palm of your hand.” Regulus has always been very closed off and bottled up his feelings until they exploded in a burning acidic chaos that hurt and pushed things to the limit. Sirius doesn’t want to feel glad that he does this but he knows he would’ve never gotten the opportunity to fix this without it.
“Yet I have the nerve to miss you.” He laughs, running his hands through his hair, Sirius is glad their friends vacated the corridor to give them some space because Regulus looks to be on the verge of a breakdown and Sirius doesn’t think he would want anyone to see it.
“How do I somehow feel guilty, When you’re the one that made us turn out this way?”
“That’s not fair.”
“No?” Regulus cuts him off, looking Sirius directly in the eye, “You’re the one that ignored me and pushed me away.”
“You know it wasn’t that simple.” Sirius defends himself weakly, he already blames himself already, hates himself for pushing away Regulus after he got sorted. He already questions if there was anything he could’ve done to save them, to stop the great big tragedy of their relationship, this only confirms his worst fears.
Regulus steps forward again, words prepared like weapons to shoot into Sirius and slice at him, making him bleed and hurt to feel a fraction of what he does. He whispers, but it echos as if he screamed it, lingers like it has been tattooed on Sirius's mind and plays on a loop in his ears.
“You don’t want to hear the truth, do you? It’s obvious to everyone who ever knew you.” He steps forward once more, jabbing his finger into Sirius's chest and ensuring he hears every syllable. “All you ever wanted was to fight.”
“It was better than being a coward.” Sirius words shoot to kill when he’s mad too, they share that trait. Always lashing out, and striking each other in ways that physical violence could never, they fight wars in their conversations and battle with their words.
It’s strange how much a combination of words can hurt, how speaking can be so versatile, how it can declare love and bring good news, how it forms friendships and relationships and is a link between everyone. Words bring together two girls complimenting each other in a bathroom in the morning, two boys who like each other’s shoes, classmates who share notes, and even teachers who point out an untied shoelace.
Words can be so connecting as they bring together so many people in seemingly mundane moments that are full of the kindness and generosity of people.
It can also bring around the most painful moments of someone’s life. The loss of a pet, a failure, a heartbreak or a breakdown. Words are powerful and like all powerful things, they can be used for bad just as easily as they can be used for good.
“I was only trying to survive the chaos.”
“Well look at how it’s paid off. You are nothing but an idiotic follower, you follow whatever they tell you to do blindly and it sickens me.” Sirius doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, he wants to fix things, he wants to fix them, go back to how they were as kids, he wants to stop the fighting and the lashing out and the hurt but he can’t. It’s not that simple, it never is.
Regulus gestures wildly as he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, there's so much pent-up energy and no release. “There's no one who has done better at making me feel so much guilt at trying to survive.”
He moves back, the fight draining out of him. Sirius watches as he realises the pointlessness of this talk, his shoulders fall and his walls go back up to stop the tears from falling. He turns away, actually leaving this time and it’s unbearable.
Sirius thinks he’s starting to understand it. If he can feel this much pain from watching Regulus leave the conversation how must he have felt as he watched Sirius leave him over and over for another family, another brother?
It feels clearer in his mind, Regulus doesn’t hate him, he’s hurt, he’s suffering and lashing out and it doesn’t make it okay but it makes it understandable. He doesn’t blame him for getting out, he blames him for making him feel like this for not leaving but not taking him with him.
“Regulus.” Sirius chases him down the corridor, Regulus doesn’t turn to acknowledge him, he carries on walking, desperate to get away from this so he can forget about it but Sirius doesn't want to forget, he wants them to heal from it.
“Reg, please.” Regulus stops slightly, his foot hesitating taking its next step and it’s enough for Sirius to move in front of him.
Regulus goes to sidestep, moving around Sirius but he doesn’t let him, he can’t.
Sirius moves before Regulus can stop him, wrapping his arms around him like he did when they were kids. Regulus is still as bony and awkward as he was 10 years ago, the only difference now is that he’s slightly taller than Sirius and he isn’t hugging him back.
“We’re going to be okay.”
“I’m sorry.” Regulus lifts his arms, burrowing his head in his brother’s shoulder as he lets the tears flow.
“It’s okay, we’ll be okay.” Sirius isn’t sure how long they stand there in that deserted corridor, arms wrapped around each other for the first time in years and the muttering of apologies and promises filling them with hope.
It is all going to be okay.