“James?”
It’s late at night, pushing three in the morning, and the bedsheets rustle underneath Regulus as he tries to wake himself up. James never calls him this late, he can’t help but feel his chest tighten. He’s always been trained to expect the worst. James has been better recently, smiling without even trying most days. He should’ve known something was up when he didn’t stay over. “James?” He asks again, slipping from his bed and running around for his shoes.
“I’m sorry,” James whines.
Regulus doesn’t slow down, running off in only his socks when he can’t find anything else, “Baby what are you talking about?”
James’ breath hitches, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“What happened?” Regulus asks, it’s better to keep him talking. It keeps him distracted enough to keep himself safe. They haven’t been here many times before. James hardly gets to this point, but it’s been known to happen. Regulus stopped putting his phone on Do Not Disturb for this very reason. They’ve been dating for three years and friends for even longer. Regulus has always been there for him. He’s always the first person he calls. James knows he’ll answer.
“I’m sorry,” he chokes, his breath rattling.
“I know,” Regulus yanks his keys from the table by the door before running out of it. “Can you tell me where you are?”
James goes quiet, “I—“
“I’m here, Jamie,” Regulus murmurs, “Let me be here.”
The sounds of James’ sobs are imprinted in Regulus’ mind. He shudders every time he hears them, it never gets easier no matter how much time passes. He’s already in the car shoving the key in the ignition waiting. Music blasts as soon as he does. James likes to keep his CDS in Regulus’ car. A part of himself Regulus can always have, he says. Regulus always teases him for still collecting them. When everything is on streaming nowadays he doesn’t really see a point. But tell that to James. He shuts it off.
“Can you share your location with me?” Regulus asks.
James takes a shaky breath, “I’m sorry.”
“Come on,” Regulus urges softly. “I’ll come pick you up.”
James whines and Regulus wants to shove it back in his throat. He wants to kiss it better. He needs to push him in his chest, or put him in his pocket. Protect him from his harsh world and convince him that one day the sun will rise again. He can feel James, as if he’s right beside him. Shuddering with each breath he takes. Regulus would drive out to his apartment, but he’s not sure that he’s there. When he gets like this he likes to run. Hideaway somewhere, sometimes in plain sight. He doesn’t want to be a bother. If he stays somewhere people can find him he’ll feel like it. A burden. A problem. No matter how many times Regulus tells him he’s not he still doesn’t believe him.
He doesn’t care where he is though. He’ll drive all night long just to reach him. If he runs out of gas he’ll walk. He’ll sprint out to the farthest corner of the world just to curl up with him by the ocean and watch the stars for a while. Whatever he wants Regulus wants to give him. James’ brain never lets him understand that. Regulus aches for him. He wants to save him, but love can’t fix mental illness. It can’t bury old habits and relieve brokenness. He’ll be there anyway.
James’ breath turns shallow, “I’m so tired, Reg.” He sounds like he means it, like he’s being lowered into the ground—a breathing corpse without a name.
Regulus’ face falls, “Where are you?”
A moment passes and it feels like a reckoning. The outpouring of the tide, or the death of a childhood pet. It feels like the end of something. No.
“It’s okay,” James voice turns soft. “You’re gonna be okay.”
What about you? Regulus thinks pathetically. He doesn’t ask it. He already knows what he would say. Me? No one needs me.
“Tell me where you are, baby,” Regulus whines.
James hums contentedly, “It’s okay.”
“Jamie,” Regulus whispers, “Please.”
He goes quiet.
Regulus hates the quiet.
“James?” “Can you hear me?” “James.” “Fuck.”
Hanging up the phone he goes to the only person he thinks he help. He calls his mum.
“Regulus?” Effie’s voice rings through the phone. She sounds tired, but she still answers on the second ring.
“Do you have James’ location?” Regulus asks, his knuckles turning white on the steering wheel. His eyes sting as tears fall from his face. “I just—I need his location do you—“
She spits out the location without a second thought, it’s a motel he’s never been to before. It’s about two hours out. He still steps on the gas. “What’s going on, honey?”
Regulus bites the inside of his cheek trying to suppress a cry, “Can you call an ambulance for him?
She knows exactly what he means. He doesn’t even need to say it. She hangs up the phone. Regulus keeps driving. Rain pours down over his windshield, of course, it has to be raining on a night like tonight. It just feels fitting, doesn’t it? The sky is crying over a loss not even it can understand. It’s grieving over a boy it never really got to know. A child who looked towards it in his midnights when he couldn’t sleep, wishing on every falling star. Someone so full of light who was fooled into the grasp of darkness. Regulus cries with it. His chest aches hollowly. He feels it break.
His tires slip the faster he goes but he can’t slow down. He needs to make it to him. Even if it’s too late by the time he gets there he can’t let him leave him alone. He needs to be here with him. He needs James in the passenger seat. He needs to show him there’s so much more out there for him. He has yet to burn all his mixtapes and share every stupid fact he finds, no matter how obnoxious it is in the moment. There’s so much love left to give in that heart of his. So he can’t… he won’t… he… Regulus speeds up.
Time takes him away. He leaves his body for another. Floating above it all. He watches as he drives, the rain cascading through the sky. He doesn’t think. He barely even feels. All he knows is he needs to get to James before… He needs to see him. He needs to tell him he loves him. He needs to beg him to stay. Please. Please he can’t do this without him.
When his heart is forced back into his chest he’s outside of the hospital, and his socks are wet. His chest beats for only one name, and he wants to run into the building to find him. Knock down every single door until they’re reunited. He’ll kiss his cheeks and climb on top of him, not allowing him to move. He’ll push him into his chest just to place him in a cavity within it. One right beside his heart so he’ll always know where he is. He’ll never lose sight of him again.
The waiting room is mostly empty, with only an elderly couple sitting in the corner. Effie and Monty aren’t here yet. Will they come? They have to. It’s James. They have to be here. Regulus can’t be here alone. He should call Sirius but he can’t feel his lips, he’s not sure if he could get the words out. James is in the hospital. James tried to… James was gonna… James… He shakes his head turning to the receptionist. She tries to disguise a look of horror on her face, he’s sure he’s a sight.
“James Potter,” he says dully.
She blinks, “You’re—“
“He should be here,” he fiddles with his fingers looking around. He’s never really liked hospitals all that much. Well he guesses no one does, but he can’t stand the smell, or anything about it really. He hates it even more knowing James is here. “Can you—“
“Are you immediate family?”
Regulus nods, “Yes. Tell me where he is.”
She can see right through him. She knows he’s lying, “Could you have a seat? It’ll be one minute.”
Regulus looks over at the room. He could take a seat. He would stay there bleeding out if it meant he could see James. But he doesn’t want to wait. He’s not sure if he could or not. “I need to see him. Please.”
She gives him a look of pity, “Please take a seat.”
A guttural sound leaves Regulus lips as he backs off, nothing but a wounded animal. He’s sure he would fight if he could. If he thought it would make a difference. Even if he didn’t. Even if it would get him nowhere he would fight, but he just feels numb. Completely washed away. He almost wants to ask them to set him up on a heart monitor to make sure it’s still beating, to make sure he’s alright.
He takes a seat.
And he waits.
The woman doesn’t call him over again, and the elderly couple eventually leaves. Disappearing through the back doors, somewhere James is placed. At least Regulus knows he’s here, or was here anyway. As soon as James is out of here Regulus is proposing. They’ll have the wedding a week later, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to be trapped here again. He wants to be with him. Curling his legs up to his chest he rests his cheek against it. He feels like a little kid again. Too terrified to think straight. Looking for those older than him to lend him a hand. Even at twenty-two, he feels like a kid most of the time, now more than ever.
The thing with James is he’s always had a rough time with things. He tries to hide it as much as he can. It’s not that he’s being fake around certain people, or isn’t comfortable around his best friends. It’s not that. He’s just tired of answering questions. He’s tired of being asked them at all. He tells Regulus sometimes, how his mind gets to be too much sometimes. It grows heavy under the weight of it all, and a rough haze fills it out. He can’t feel as much, or think really. He’s just numb. He’s barely even there. He likes to go away when this happens. Make sure no one sees him until he gets enough energy to disguise himself. Regulus follows him when he disappears, unlocking his front door and letting himself in. James never tells him to leave, though he doesn’t tell him to stay either. He doesn’t really say anything. He lets Regulus do whatever he wants. Moving him around to make sure he showers and eats every day. It’s the little things he has trouble with, and Regulus will spend the rest of his life helping him with them. He doesn’t mind. He’d do anything.
When James comes back he pretends it never happened. Refusing to talk to someone about it and goes on as normal. He doesn’t complain of his chest aching or his mind going away. Regulus knows he feels it. He tries his best to get him to talk. Maybe he should’ve tried harder. Maybe he could’ve prevented this somehow. He’s asked James to move in with him before. They’ve been dating for years, it’s to be expected, as they spend most nights together anyway. Regulus thought James would’ve jumped at the chance, honestly, he was shocked he hadn’t asked already. Then James turned him down, stumbling out a lie of it being too soon. But it’s James. He would’ve gotten married the first week if Regulus asked him to. There was something more, but Regulus didn’t fight it. He didn’t want to lose him, and now… He thought James having a place to go away would be a good thing but maybe he was wrong. He just wants him near him. He wants him safe.
“—lus?”
The voice sounds like it’s underwater at first. It feels like he’s underwater, being tossed around until high tides struggling to catch his breath.
“Reg?” Blinking he looks up to find Effie right next to him, she’s worried though she’s trying to hide it. “Are you with me?”
Tears leak from his eyes before he can stop them, his cheeks turning hot despite his shivering, “I’m sorry I should’ve—“
“It’s okay,” gently she runs a hand through his hair. “None of this is your fault.”
He whines, wiping away his tears quickly, “Can we see him?”
He watches waiting for her face to drop. Waiting for her to tell him it’s too late. Then she takes a breath and reaches for his hand, “Come on.”
The walk isn’t long, though it feels like miles. Regulus is the first in the room to see James lying in the bed, he looks so small, that’s his first thought. He looks sixteen again. He’s slow to approach him, like he’s in a dream of sorts. Keeping his eyes on his chest to make sure he’s breathing. He watches every time it falters before picking back up again. He takes his hand as soon as he’s close enough, running his hands over his knuckles. They’re cold. James’ hands are never cold, he’s like a furnace in that way. Regulus clings to them anyway, keeping his fingers on his pulse point. He’s okay. He’s going to be okay.
He lets his head drop on his shoulder, watching as his tears spread across his shirt. He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive.
He feels Effie and Monty around him but he can’t hear what they’re saying, if they’re saying anything that is. He just hears James. The beat of his heart and his weary breath. He pulls up a seat, preparing to sit here until he’s forced out and even after. He’ll burn this whole place to the ground if someone so much as tries to take him away.
It takes hours.
Not that Regulus feels it.
He doesn’t feel anything.
He just keeps his lips pressed against James’ palm, trying to convince himself this is really happening. They should be in bed right now. James practically lying on top of Regulus even if he’s too warm to sleep with. It shouldn’t matter. Regulus will never complain about it again. He just wants to be with him. He wants to climb onto this bed to lie with him now. He should’ve seen the warning signs, he’s sure there were some. Why didn’t he see the signs?
When James’ eyelids flicker open Effie and Monty are out in the cafeteria, it’s already mid-day. They keep telling Regulus he needs to eat but he doesn’t think he’ll be able to keep anything down.
He watches as James' expression turns from confusion to sheer disappointment. He feels it in his chest, “James?”
“I’m sorry,” James croaks, his voice completely gone.
“It’s okay,” Regulus brushes them away like they’re nothing. “You’re okay now.”
“I didn’t…” he sighs, “It got so loud.” His voice breaks, “I was—“
“You don’t need—“
He shakes his head, “I can deal with the quiet. I know how to deal with it, but it got so loud. I needed it to stop.” When he looks over at Regulus his eyes are completely red and there are dark circles under his eyes. God, why didn’t he see the signs? “I’m so sorry, Reg I—“
“I love you,” Regulus says, because it’s true and he needs him to know it. He needs him to believe it. He can’t go on not knowing that he’s breathing. He can’t let the darkness take over his chest. His only purpose in this world is to protect James, he decided that a long time ago. That’s what he’s going to do. It doesn’t matter what he has to do to make sure he’s okay, he’ll do it. No matter what it is. He’ll sell his soul to the devil if he needs to. He’d break through his chest and rip out his heart for James to use if he needed to. “I’m always going to love you, okay? There’s nothing you can do to stop me.”
More tears fall from James’ face and all Regulus wants to do is kiss them away, “I needed it quiet.”
“We’ll work on it together,” Regulus murmurs. “I’ll help you through it.”
“You don’t need to,” James says, turning back to the ceiling. “I just need to—“
“No,” Regulus cuts him off, “I’m not letting you do this alone again,” he forces James’ eyes on him. “I’m going to be here with you this time. You’re not doing this alone.”
Something breaks underneath James’ eyes, “It’s not your fight.”
“I love you,” Regulus tells him. “That makes it my fight.”
James sighs, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s going to be okay.”
He’s not sure if James believes him or not, he doesn’t think he does, but he’ll say it every single day until he does. Hope is such a fragile thing. It crumbles underneath even he smallest weight, and James has so many to hold. Regulus has been through it too. He’s been down in a place with nothing seemed worth it anymore, and James is the person who brought him to the light. He’s the one who saved him. Now Regulus will save James.
“I love you,” James mumbles.
Regulus wants to beg him to stay. He wants to get on his knees or hide under pillow forts like children and tie their pinkies together. He knows he can’t stop James’ thoughts from spiraling, or cut away that muscle in his chest that tells him to run. All he can do is follow him. Chase him across the skies, and through the stars if he needs to. He’ll make sure he can be found.
“I’m so happy you’re alive,” Regulus whispers softly.
James nods his head slowly, “Sorry.”
Without another thought Regulus climbs on the bed with him, careful of the needles sticking out of his arm. James makes a surprised sound but doesn’t stop him, he opens his arms instead. Allowing Regulus to rest his head in the crook of his neck, “You’re going to be okay.”
He watches James bite his tongue, and Regulus knows this isn’t over, far from it. However, the battle is worth the fight. No matter how much blood is shed, Regulus knows he’ll see it through to the end. He leans up to kiss James’ cheek, it tastes like salt and he wants to lick it clean. He wants to find his open wounds and lick those too, until the scars are untraceable. Instead, he rests his hand on James’ chest, right against his heart, slowly watching it as it slows down as James falls back into a restless sleep.
Regulus doesn’t join him, he keeps watch, counting each beat of his heart. He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive.