Chapter 3
Minerva woke with a start. The sun had not risen yet: only a pale, bluish light filtered through the blinds of the window behind her. For a moment she could not understand where she was; it was only when her eyes fell on the empty bed before her that her heart missed a beat, waking her up fully. Severus was gone. She was not safe. She had to get out.
But a noise coming from the bathroom interrupted her strain of thought just as brutally as it had begun, leaving room for another case scenario in which she and the castle were secure, but not the man she had been supposed to look after. That was a better alternative by far, and yet, she felt no decrease in her apprehension. She stood up, listening carefully. It was the sound of someone throwing up.
'You could have asked for help, but obviously you don't do that.'
There was Severus, half collapsed over the sink. He was horribly sick. One of his arms was pressed against his stomach; he was attempting to support himself with the other, but the pressure onto his broken wrist only aggravated his pain. Despite all of that, the ferocious glance he cast at Minerva was enough for her to retreat near the door.
'Why are you here?' he asked. Then he was sick again, but she could not bring herself to help him. It was, after all, a normal reaction of the body to try to expel the drug out of its system.
'You certainly will find it unbelievable, but Poppy and I settled on not letting you die. So here I am.'
Obviously, he did not remember that. 'Just go away', he whispered, closing his eyes briefly.
She knew he hated to show any sign of weakness. She stared at him with even more intensity, taking pleasure in his discomfort. 'You are not even going to make it back to your bed.'
'That is none of your business!' Severus shouted, losing his temper. He breathed in, trying to gather himself. 'Are you suicidal? No one must see you here. And you have… no reason… to be here to begin with!' he finished with difficulty.
'I think your fever is rising up'.
Minerva waved her wand, and the mess in the sink vanished.
Exhausted, Severus closed his eyes and pressed his burning forehead against the bathroom wall, cursing himself. It was true, he could feel the fever slowing down his thoughts, he had never felt so ill: he thought of just passing out, desirous to escape a situation which he obviously had no control over. If duty had been the only issue, he would perhaps have allowed himself to surrender to his body's supplications; but Minerva had to go. She was his Achilles heel. She was to be kept away at all costs, Albus had said, as if he did not know that. Her safety had been jeopardized by his own fault, and he could not think properly, he could not think at all; so he said nothing.
A moment later, he was on his bed again. Minerva was taking out medicine. She sat beside him.
'Where does it hurt?'
'My stomach', he answered quietly, before cursing himself again. The veritaserum was obviously still affecting him, as he had not meant to answer at all. He turned his face away from her.
'For your own… safety, Minerva, p-please leave.'
'Oh, so you care about our safety. I must say we all feel very safe inside Hogwarts right now, headmaster'. Minerva watched as he whimpered in pain, his face growing significantly paler. The fever was taking a toll on him; the fever-reducing potion was in her hand. She did not make a move.
'I… am… trying!', he shouted, violently trying to get up. She immediately rose to her feet, forcing him to remain sited. He looked at her with glassy eyes.
'All you do is put the children in danger while you sit in Albus' chair', she spat at him. 'How can you even live with yourself, Severus? You achieved nothing'.
'Tell Albus I'm not… I'm not sick I can't… I have to brew- '
Minerva sighed. Looking at the now delirious man, she felt her anger give way to exasperation. She lowered him back onto the pillows with more gentleness than she thought herself capable of. He was unconscious for a few moments, most likely due to his blood pressure being too low. Then his eyes fluttered open again. Still, she did not give him the potion.
'We have to… Albus' office… he asked for… a report'.
Minerva shook her head. 'Stop saying his name'. She was incredibly tired. 'What did You-Know-Who promise you, Severus? What was so valuable to you that you accepted to kill him?'
The man's eyes were unfocused, his breathing unregular. 'To protect… Draco'.
Minerva laughed almost hysterically. 'Do not call that protection. What that boy went through… Does it matter if he wasn't the one to do it in the end? He spent an entire year planning a murder. He is irremediably lost.'
'Albus didn't- didn't care about my soul. But his… his...'
Minerva couldn't decide whether this was the incoherent rumbling of a sick man, or if Severus was reacting to anything she said. But each time Albus' name passed his lips it hurt more, and she did not know how much longer she'd be able to take it.
'Did you look right into his eyes? When you killed Albus?' she asked, squinting intensely so that no tear would escape her eyes. She thought her voice had been cool; she realised a few seconds later that she had been shouting.
Even in his condition, Severus was startled by her sudden loss of temper. He remained silent for a few moments, his grip on reality fluctuating as he looked into her anxious eyes.
'He pleaded…' he then said, his mouth twitching as another wave of pain took over his body. He closed his eyes. 'I will… I hate… him…'
That was her breaking point. Minerva exploded. 'WHY? WHY WOULD YOU HATE THE ONLY MAN WHO TRUSTED YOU? THE MAN WHO ALWAYS, ALWAYS TOLD US THAT YOU DESERVED A SECOND CHANCE, THAT A SOUL COULD BE SAVED?'
The vial of potion she had been holding dropped to the floor, breaking into a dozen pieces. She was shaking violently; Severus' gaze darkened.
'I said... he never - never cared about my soul.'
Minerva remained silent, trying to gather her thoughts. She did not know what he was talking about; she did not know if he knew he was talking to her. She considered speaking with her colleagues, asking them what they should do with him. She had the horrid feeling that had he been in a position of strength, had he been directly threatening her students, the rage she felt would have been reason enough to kill him on the spot. But right now, when he was no threat, she remained hesitant, desperate for anything to prove her wrong, for an explanation, a clue.
Her infuriation was not solely directed at him - or rather, he symbolized too much. He had been one of her closest friends, their friendship had grown slowly but steadily over the years as they had worked together. But before that, Severus had been a student, a student she had failed. She had disliked him, thinking he was wasting his potential, choosing the wrong friends; he had seen it in her eyes, he had disliked her in return. Now she was comforted in her prejudices, and these biases that she held, the same ones which had enabled the bullying of a small boy, were lashed out against the entirety of Slytherin students. If she could not prevent them from going astray, then she would, more than ever before, be wary of them.
'Albus always cared about you', she said bluntly, getting up.
Severus' breathing was laboured, almost hectic now. 'Says - says that he does - his portrait always - always telling me what to do - but he knows nothing - he c-cares about... practical things...' He looked intimidating, even with his eyes unfocused. His head fell back onto the bed. Minerva looked stunned.
'I thought Albus' portrait was asleep. I thought he did not speak.'
Severus laughed, sounding half-mad. She knew she should give him the potion. He was muttering to himself, and his words were so slurred she could no longer make out what he was saying. She took a piece of wet clothing and wiped his forehead. 'Here, drink this', she said, having retrieved another fever-reducing potion from Poppy's supply. He glanced at her. 'I wish… I wish he… didn't...'
Then, he fell asleep. She sat beside the bed for a moment, looking at him pensively. Eventually she got up again; she knew what she had to do, and hoped the castle would allow her.