"SEVERUS SNAPE!"
A voice he knew too well rose behind him. He shut the door brutally, inhaling deeply, attempting to calm himself already.
"Open the door this instant!" Minerva shouted, though she did not bother to wait. The door burst open with a movement of her wand - it made a loud "bang" as it hit the wall. She stood in the door frame of Severus' private laboratory, her face twisted with anger.
"We are having this conversation, whether you like it or not. I thought I knew you – I thought you were better than this! How could you even think of doing this to that poor man."
Slowly, the Potions Master turned to face his colleague, breathing in, then out. Until recently he and Minerva had been what could be called friends, even in his opinion; right now though, she was looking at him with such wrath that he only wished to get away, to never see her again. But the way she had opened the door, the violent sound it had made – he felt anger building up in his chest, furious that she thought she had any right to invade his privacy in such a way. She was not special - no one had this right.
"I," he said silkily, his tone contrasting sharply with Minerva's, "have no desire to broach the subject with you. Go away or I will tell you things I will not regret."
Minerva approached him rapidly. He tensed up, taking a step back.
"Have you no morals, Severus? Do you realize what you did to Remus? Do you realize that because of you his social life, his chances at finding another job are ruined forever? Do you even understand what this means for him?"
Severus did not reply. He only watched her with calculating eyes. She was furious, almost shaking; he wondered if she would draw her wand eventually.
The older woman took a step back, eyeing him with disgust. This time, Severus looked away.
"You had no right to do this. Absolutely no right. You ruined his life – you ruined a man's life because you still cannot let go of your stupid grudge against him. I expected – I am no one to expect things from you, and yet – as your friend I expected so much better of you. I did not think you could behave so selfishly. I thought you had grown up!"
Her words made their way right through Severus' heart, piercing it with brutish violence. He almost winced.
And yet he did not feel any guilt; only the unjustifiable feeling he had done what ought to be done to protect the students, and himself.
"And you stand here, with no remorse", McGonagall continued, her voice only a little quieter. "And Albus who trusts you! What do you think he thinks of you? Even he could not dissuade you from doing something so selfish and irresponsible - after all the trouble he went through to hire Remus... Severus, tell me you are ashamed, or that you feel guilty, even a little… You are not this sort of man."
Severus leaned against his desk, wondering if it was the concussion that made his head hurt so much, or if Minerva's screams were starting to give him a headache. He did not have time for this. She had no right to lecture him. Especially her.
"You seem to have such a clear idea of the sort of man I am supposed to be", he replied in a dangerous, disdainful tone, as calm as he could keep it. "Perhaps you should have shared it with me, so that I could have told you what I think of these fantasies of yours. Or perhaps you should consider minding your own business. You know nothing."
"This IS my business, Severus! Remus was my colleague! Before that a student in my own house! But you only thought of yourself! Did you think you would become the DADA teacher this time? Is that it?"
Severus swallowed with difficulty, his throat burning with bilious anger. So that was what she thought of him?
"You always seem to assume the worst of me, Minerva. I suppose I should not be so surprised," he replied sternly. "Although, I am surprised to learn that you think I told the students about Lupin's lycanthropy without Albus being aware that I would. I would not be such a fool as to betray the headmaster's trust and risk my position here."
The transfiguration teacher remained silent for a few seconds, obviously unsettled by this new piece of information. "Albus would never…"
"Are you implying I am lying to you?"
"He was the one who battled to hire Remus in the first place!"
"Then he learnt that the man had betrayed his trust all year long, keeping key information about Black from him because he could not stand to tell the very person who had welcomed him in this school he had betrayed his trust before, as a student. Going out with his animagi friends... You did not think he would stay anyway? The position is cursed, I am sure you know that."
Minerva breathed out, finding it harder and harder to not just slap the man in the face.
"You ruined his life. Albus would never fathom this. If you had just put aside your petty resentment against him - "
Just because you had this rivalry with them at school, you won't listen...
That was his breaking point. Severus could no longer remain calm.
"IT IS NOT A PETTY RESENTMENT!" he shouted, his face growing significantly paler. "But you all want to believe it, don't you? You and Albus and all the others. It is so much easier to think this rather than acknowledge the fact you never behaved as proper teachers back then, or now!"
Minerva looked at him coldly. She was unwilling to go down this path. They had already discussed this, years and years ago; she knew that she more than any other member of the staff had failed to take action against Potter and Black. But that was not the subject. She would not allow him to keep hiding behind this. It was time he grew up.
"This has nothing to do with -"
"It has EVERYTHING to do with it, Minerva! I don't care if you think I'm a bastard. I don't care about Lupin, for all that matters. He won't be jailed – I could not care less about what happens to him besides that. Lupin is a walking danger and he should never have been allowed into this school in the first place."
"Remus never put anyone in danger. What happened was an accident, an accident, Severus! Of course his fault was serious – forgetting his potion – but do you think what you did helps anyone?"
Severus' face twisted with rage.
"Lupin nearly KILLED ME WHEN I WAS 15! I DON'T CARE IF IT WASN'T HIS FAULT, THE FACT IS HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!" He was out of breath, but he did not allow her to reply. He felt some kind of deep, well-deserved satisfaction grow at the bottom of his mind as he watched the shock on his colleague's face. "You did not know, did you, Minerva? Something else your all-mighty Albus forgot to tell you? Sirius Black sent me to my death one full moon night in my fifth year. I saw Lupin that night! And what happened afterwards? Black wasn't expelled, of course he was not. The headmaster kept closing his eyes as his little friends sneaked out of the castle repeatedly. I was threatened with expulsion if I told anything about Lupin while Potter went around the school telling everyone how he had saved my life. No one was there to protect me or any of the other students. It was natural - a Slytherin could pay the price of the golden boys' roguishness."
His hands were holding the desk's extremities with such strength that they had turned white. Minerva looked at him. She saw the boy, afraid, disappointed, irremediably hurt. He looked both vulnerable and formidable - he was a living that proof trauma did not just go away as years passed.
She could not believe this. She could not believe Albus would have kept - what, a near murder? By one of her own students? – from her. She had known Severus had suffered from severe bullying, though it was something she had understood too late. But this, this could not be.
Something in her shocked expression, though, immediately calmed the Potions Master. She had not known; Albus had never told her. She had played no part in this, had not agreed with the headmaster, and it was a relief to be certain, after all this time, that she was not to blame for this.
"Lupin once again reneged his contract with Dumbledore, Minerva," Severus said in a softer tone. "He once again put everyone in danger, just as he didn't bother telling the headmaster what his friends had been up to after they tried to kill. Albus agreed he had been wrong to think keeping Lupin here wouldn't be risky, finally. And I had been telling him this for a year..." He seemed to be talking to himself now, only seeking his own approval. "Do not think I did not have a heated conversation with the headmaster. Because, Minerva, I was once silenced over this matter; I will not be again. I told him I would tell the students. He did not object. He did not dare to."
This time, Minerva did not open her mouth, ready to listen to what he had to say. She felt he would not let her speak anyway. She had triggered something deeper than she had thought, and she would not shy away from it.
"The headmaster may be a genius, Minerva, but he makes mistakes", Severus continued, looking distractedly at one of his shelves. "I do not think he regrets what he did at the time for my own sake, but I know for sure that he now regards it as a bad strategic move. That day, he chose to insure Black, Lupin and Potter's trust and loyalty – and he lost mine. However, I am the spy he needs to win this war. He knew he could not deny me justice again; he used my well-known animosity towards Lupin to cover up his own mistakes, and I do not mind it. This is how Dumbledore does things. He did not have any objection to me telling the students. And only, only if he had threatened my position as a teacher here would I have kept Lupin's condition a secret anyway."
Finally, he had said it. He did not care for her moral lectures, nor did he care for her opinion on the subject. Minerva would listen or leave; he refused her any other alternative.
She, on the other hand, was trying to compose herself.
"Albus would never ruin someone's life for strategic purpose."
My memory is as good as it ever was, Severus.
The younger man laughed.
"You still cannot believe Albus would lie to you, or agree to expose Lupin? But he did. He thinks the Dark Lord will return now that Pettigrew has escaped. We all know it is just a matter of time. He needed to make sure I was loyal to him; he thought he was giving me what I had long desired, revenge. The old man believes that he lives in a world of goldfish and that no one can see through his cunning schemes. I do not care - I did get what I wanted, though this was in no way a reparation. It was mere common sense. He also certainly thought the Slytherins and the Death-eaters amongst their parents would appreciate what I had done, and later tell Him. He will be glad to know that Dumbledore trusts me so blindly that I was not fired after exposing one of his precious children. That I used my position to get rid of Lupin, to make him useless to Dumbledore. It is all perfect, as you see."
"Albus would have- "
"Albus is as human as I am, Minerva! Do you think the headmaster is selfless? He was furious when he learnt what Lupin and his friends had been doing during their school years - it was Black who told him, the fool. Lupin betrayed his trust as a student, the school could have been closed, people could have died and Albus could have been sent to court. His reputation and position would have been ruined forever. And this year Lupin did the same: he betrayed Albus' trust to preserve himself, nearly killing three students, giving a convict unrestrained access to the castle by keeping his mouth shut. Do you think the headmaster was happy with this? You do not threaten Dumbledore's ego - you do not hurt his pride. Minerva, Lupin was the one who disappointed him: not me."
Minerva observed him in silence, tight-lipped. She could not conciliate that cunning, calculating Albus Severus was describing with the man she thought she knew, the man who always compromised between compassion and necessity.
Over the years, she had gotten better at spotting and reading Severus' feelings. They were hard to grasp, but right now she knew he was frustrated, even somewhat desperate.
He was hurt, not because Minerva thought the worst of him; but because she didn't of Albus.
She was only starting to understand why justice – a twisted, peculiar idea of justice – was so important to Severus.
"I did not know about any of this, Severus, and I admit it. It was wrong – more than wrong. But Remus... Remus acted foolishly, but he never meant any harm. He did not deserve this..."
You fool, is a schoolboy grudge worth sending an innocent man back to Azkaban?
Severus shook his head. He would not lose control again. The humiliation he had suffered, back in the Shrieking Shack – in front of Potter, and Black, and Lupin – it would not happen again.
"Lupin nearly killed me 15 years ago. A few days ago he could have killed Potter, Weasley and Granger, and he was roaming freely around Hogsmeade and Hogwarts, just as he did when he was a student. He proved that he wasn't capable of taking a damn potion. Now I am sure he will never be employed in a school again, or anywhere else for what matters. I made sure he would no longer be a danger to others. I could not care less about what you think of this."
"But there were other solutions, Severus. Now everyone knows. Everyone!"
"Lupin is an eternal victim in your eyes, it seems. Of his condition, of his young age, of society - he never has to own up to his mistakes. But I am always responsible, am I not? Now, at 15, always. Why is that?"
He narrowed his eyes. Indeed, why was she so adamant to defend Lupin? Was it because he had been her student, and she felt responsible? She, too, had been aware of his situation when he was accepted at Hogwarts. She knew what agreements existed between him and the headmaster. He had violated them all. But now, Severus thought, who would acknowledge or even care about Lupin's faults when his own decision to expose him looked so cruel and selfish in contrast? He would never be the victim. Lupin would always be.
So be it.
"It amazes me how you think you are entitled to do this, Minerva," he snarled, his voice a soft whisper. "To lecture me on my actions, to tell me what ought to have been done. Let's make things clear. I will not tolerate any criticism coming from you, and I strongly suggest you never talk to me again the way you did this evening. You protected your students at all costs, closing your eyes on the abuse others suffered at their hands; you are no one to tell me what I ought to do."
Minerva looked petrified. In all these years, Severus had never spoken to her in such a way. She felt confused - she was unsure of what to think anymore. And as usual, when her certainties were jolted, she held on to her instincts, to what she thought she knew, blocking all diverging voices away.
"Severus. You cannot hide behind Albus. You were the one who told the students – "
"And I wanted it. I desired it – I wished they would be smart enough to figure it out by themselves during the school year, but only Granger did," Severus interjected, watching as Minerva slowly started pacing around the room. "Yes, I am absolutely glad the students are safe now, just as I am that Lupin finally paid the price for his foolish and careless behaviour. You cannot even begin to imagine what it was to spend a whole year fearing something would happen – to have to watch him push aside his wolfbane potion, as if it were an option, in front of me..."
Severus' eyes wandered to the many cauldrons that stood on his working tables, watching the light fumes that they expelled twirl and fall. All those sleepless nights, each month - to brew the damn wolfbane, to improve it, even, so that Lupin would never, ever hurt suffer any ill effect. And the man had simply forgotten. He had left it on his desk as if it had been a mere cold remedy. The lives of others hadn't been worth his precipitation.
No, he had made the right decision.
And Minerva, as furious as she was, was starting to understand. Understand Severus would never apologize to Lupin – understand it was, literally, a matter of life and death to him. That he hadn't been blinded by hate, and that even justice could be despicable.
"I will make things clear, Minerva", Severus said icily. "I take full responsibility for my actions – I wanted Lupin to be exposed, and now he is, and I am glad. Things would have been different if you had properly addressed the matter years ago, if Dumbledore had not had the foolish idea of hiring a werewolf to teach at a boarding school." He paused. "Do you need someone to die to finally realize Lupin has nothing to do around inexperienced and impressionable children? Even we would not emerge unscathed from a fight with this creature. No one was going to take action, so I did." He took his gaze off the vials on his shelves and look straight into his colleague's eyes. "Do remember that twice, while you sat comfortably in the safety of your office, I was confronted with the werewolf. You should have seen the state Black was in. You know nothing of his dangerousness."
Opening her mouth to reply, Minerva hesitated. She felt for Remus – to think the man had already gone through so much in his young life, that he had never been able to retain a job, to make friends; he led a life of eternal flight. Yet now she understood Severus, the fear, the injustice, the amateurism of it all. She leaned against the nearest wall.
"I need to speak with Albus", she said sternly.
Severus clenched his left fist mechanically.
"You are so very naive. You are a grown woman, and yet you still think of the world in black-and-white terms. We might be on the side of the Light, Minerva, but none of us are angels. You have to fight the Dark Lord with his own weapons, simply because sentiment will not subdue him. That Albus knows. And there are many other battles to be fought - many other battles in which you aren't on the right side."
He watched as she moved toward the door, briefly wondering, with a twinge of regret, if this would cost him their friendship. To conclude that if she was not willing to understand he did not want her as a friend would have been the rational way to view the matter; but no relationship of his had ever existed on those terms.
He had already wiped the slate clean too many times.
Perhaps she thought the same.