Changes
The first thing I noticed in the morning was not the blazing sun like I usually see but it was you. You were all nuzzled up to me, our legs intertwined and your hot breath puffing at my neck. Your eyelashes fluttered and tickled my chin, I could not help but smile. I felt satisfied with my life, this is what I am supposed to do, this is who I am supposed to be. Your person. What that means is still very much unclear and even now I’m not sure. But id like to think I still am your person, even though I don’t really know you anymore. Maybe I don’t know you, but you do know me because I haven’t changed a bit and I guess that must mean something right? One of us know each other.
Our morning did not last long for Lily woke us up by screaming like a mad woman. “Alphard called you Sirius he wants you home pretty sure it is urgent” I felt you stiffen between my arms, and you shot up like an arrow. I could not help but place a smoothing hand on your lower back drawing soothing circles into your skin. I felt you ease into the touch for a second before you mumbled something inaudible and rose to your feet searching for something.
The sun was at a high point in the sky and the early morning song from the birds had long ago ended. A soft sunlight was lighting into my room from the bruised windows making the dust floating in the air sparkle. Lyall was listening to music again and a soft melody were simmering through the floorboards. Mary rose from the mattress with her messy curly hair shining like a golden aura around her head.
“What time is it” A clock ringed only seconds later answering her question. She stood up groggily.
“Lily wait im coming with you guys I have to help mum out” she sighed not even bothering changing from her pyjamas before she threw my door open and lead the way out of the room.
“Bye Remy see you soon” She bellowed with Lily right on her heals. You stood next to me by the bed lingering. I tilted my head up to meet your face. You quickly twisted your head to the door and then back at me before you leaned down and pecked me on the mouth.
“I wish I could stay longer”.
“Me too”
“Nice shirt” You whispered by my mouth before you stood straight and hurried out of my room. I felt around with my hand and noticed my shirt laying there discarded next to me. I must have accidentally gotten out of it during the night. I felt myself choke on the warm summer air.
I scooted over in my bed to see you there running in my garden with Mary and Lily. You were running towards the girls bikes. Your chests heaved from laughter, you stumbled and almost fell over plenty times. Lily and Mary arrived first and threw themselves at their bikes. Lily ushered you up on her package holder and I saw you roll out on a bright red cycle.
I dragged myself downstairs in a daze. You had just kissed me several times. And judging by this morning you probably wanted to this again and this was not only some drunken mistake. I felt high on emotions. I could not thread them out in this chaos. Everything was running around in my head 170 miles per hour. I just replayed the events again and again until I had every move of your lips engraved in my memory. The box I had dedicated for you in my head was ready to combust and take over my entire being, no longer fitting in such a small place.
The entire day was spent in that haze, before I knew it the sun was disappearing behind the trees and all the lights from the house was turned off. I had been laying out in the grass reading and comparing poetry. I could not help but find ties between you and the carefully worded sentences on the paper. Laid out so that everyone could absorb the beauty of them.
I acted like a lovesick fool.
My entire body felt like it was burning up from the inside. Hope would have scolded me for lying in the striking sun for so long. I tiptoed inside the quiet house not daring to turn on any lights. I was trying to find my headphones and cassette player with only the moonlight guiding me.
With the earbuds in my ear and cassette player tucked underneath my swimming shorts by my hip I began to bicycle towards the lake. A soft melody from a piano, crickets and crunching gravel under my wheel filled my senses the entire ride towards the lake. I felt at ease at summer, the time stopped for a few weeks and all your responsibilities were washed away with waves of hot salt water and screeches of laughter bellowing into the starlit nights.
The lake was reflecting the crescent moon contrasting the dark hues of the sky. I slipped into the water easily letting the hot water swallow me whole. I allowed my body to relax and the water carry me to the surface. I closed my eyes trying to savour the feeling of the summer, escaping from the cold anguishing winters. If I could just stay in this moment was my thoughts at the time.
My eyes snapped open to a ruffle by the leaves and I slowly opened my eyes to reveal you. My heart warmed up and I was about to open my mouth to say something when another person stepped out of the shadows. They were whispering in hushed voices. You leaned forward and pecked her on the lips. I was shocked. A staggering pain in my chest shoot me like lighting. I coughed and threw myself out of the water, using the stones as support. Your mouth snapped shut but she didn’t seem to notice and continued to giggle like a schoolgirl. I recognized the girl as Amelia. She was a pleasant and intelligent girl and her conversations were usually delightful but just the sight of her with my person made me want to throw up.
“Hello Remus didn’t think you would be here.” Amelia giggled.
“Only Sirius knows this place” She attempted to whisper in your ear. Trying to be discreet which only made my blood boil. You stood there in your swimming trunks with a T- shirt lasily hanging on your shoulders. I could notice a little bruise from your neck, it was not a irritated red but a soft hue of blues and purples. It was the one I had etched onto your skin. But now you stood there with Amelia tightly wrapped around your arms dumbfounded you were.
“I didn’t think I would meet you here either Amelia” I said in a stony voice. The rudeness seemed not to phase her at all and all her hysterical giggling seemed to continue. You on the other hand seemed even more disturbed at this. Something close to guilt flashed in your eyes but it was hard to make out. Mybe it was what I wanted to see and not actually reality and therefore I believed that I had seen some remorse on your face. That I hadn’t ben stuck in a fantasy the entire day. And that you actually liked me, that you had an explanation and this was a stupid misunderstanding.
You never opened your mouth to say anything hiding behind Amelias wheezing trying to avoid conflict in front of one of your precious girls.
I said something like a goodbye I recon it could be along the lines of ‘do not let me disturb you’ or maybe ‘Well looks like this place is occupied right now’ I honestly don’t even remember.
I was fucking furious; you just took every bird you ever met to my spot that I trusted you with. I harshly took my bike and headphones and bicycled. I didn’t bother to put on some music and only biked as far away and as fast as I could.
My pedals were flying I could almost feel my sandals starting to loosen up around my foot looking for an escape in the wind. I pressed even harder making my legs cramp. I could se the gate of my house when I suddenly was janked back, the bike made a terrifying U turn and I was once again faced with your face inches apart from mine. This time tough the circumstances made the meeting much more unpleasant. A scowl was itched onto my face as I looked you up and down waiting for you to open that beautiful sinister mouth.
“I-“ You started
“I- what?”
“I don’t know” You said, you mouth kept opening and closing like a fish. You did not look bad even with that stupid expression on your face and that mouth that kissed her where you had kissed me merely hours earlier.
“I know though, why would you take her there Sirius” I inched closer to you the bike falling onto the ground with a loud smack the chain getting caught in my leg somehow ripping up a large wound. Blood simmered out and ran all over my leg. It stinged and I could se your eyes move towards my leg for only just a second to cast a worrying look at my leg.
“It’s not what you think it is!”
“It is exactly what I think it is and judging by how fast you move in between people half of Italy will soon be by my spot”
“That is not fair” You whispered, You caught your lip between your teeth almost drawing blood. You had this sad expression on your face which only made me angrier.
“It is Sirius, I suspect that your next victim will be Lily but be careful she is not as easily fooled as Mary and I. To get to her and finish the bingo you might actually have to put in some effort in one person for longer than a second” Your eyes were getting shinier and shinier, but a shimmer of anger had blended into you features.
“You don’t even know me why are you acting like I am your bitch after kissing you once or twice?” You screamed back. Fire meeting Fire, not a single calming element. The flames just catching everything around them swallowing them up leaving ashes.
“Well I am sorry Sirius, I didn’t mean to force myself onto you if that it was you feel like I am doing.”
“You are twisting my words!” You screamed even louder itching closer to my face.
“Then be a little more clear for once because I can’t just guess everything all the time. I clearly don’t understand you well enough for me to simply know what you are thinking.”
“I am fucking trying but you’re not letting me”
“I think you should go, I don’t want to wake up my parents,” I said in a much calmer tone, this was not a conversation I was going for today. My brain was all mushed up from lack of sleep and an overload of emotion switching on and off.
“Remus please” You pleaded lowering your voice to match my tone. Once again two people searching for a match but never quite meeting each other.
“I am really tired Sirius, we can go back and pretend that yesterday never happened”
“What if-“You started taking a big intake of air and preparing for a new rant. I hushed you and pleaded that you could see the emotions in my eyes. That you could read my mind and know exactly what I think just like I said earlier I couldn’t do to you. With that I turned around and left you there standing on the road with my bike laying at your feet. A couple of red drops pooling at the chain and running down my leg as I walked with my back turned towards you.
I remember this so vividly, it was so much to take in so forgive me my love if the details are a little bit wrong or hazy. If I made the right choice to leave you there standing by the road or if we should of continued talking or rather screaming at each other is still very unclear but I can assure you that whatever could have made us spend more time with each other would have been the option I would have chosen if I could go back in time. I so desperately hope you would do the same but Sirius I never could figure you out.
I walked through the darkness of trees and poles. An apple landed dangerously close to my head making me let out a frustrated groan. On the front porch stood a figure of a person.
“Bimbo, Come si sente?” The figure held a cigarette in one hand releasing smoke into the night air. The figures other arm were propped forward in an welcoming gesture. I threw myself into their arms the Cigarette discarded onto the ground.
“Mamma non so”
“Bimbo, Bimbo, Bimbo” She repeated as she rocked me forward and backward still wrapped in her embrace even though I was at least two heads taller than her. A single tear did not escape my eyelid. She treated me like a child and at the time I was still one.
My thoughts once again drifted to you. Maybe you were with Alphard talking away your problems or more likely you were with a girl. Perhaps Amelia but it was just as likely to be another girl. The words I told you those night was cruel. But the words came from my heart only on the journey to my mouth ready to utter my feelings they got hit by some dark cloud. Turning them around making them sound cruel aiming to hurt you instead of guide you towards me. I once again let my temper get the best of me.
The box devoted to you did not become more manageable. It was now cloudy fogging up my head like a stormy rain cloud rather than the sun light like before. It did not take up less space but almost twice as much pushing down into my chest to my heart. Laying there pressing and pressing taking my breath away.