* * * Then * * *
“Sirius, we really have to congratulate you on writing such a beautifully heartfelt song, I mean, God!” A woman with annoyingly white teeth and bright blonde hair sat in an interview chair, clutching at her chest. She smiled sadly, leaning over to her interviewee to get her next point across, “The lyrics and the melody are beautifully composed, but I’d expect nothing less from the son of Orion Black! You really must tell us the story that moved you to write this song, I insist!”
The camera moved its focus from the blonde woman, focusing on Sirius Black’s clean-shaven, perfectly smooth face. The bright lights of the studio made it look like a halo was above Sirius’ head, God, Remus hated him.
Then Sirius flashed a charming smile, putting his perfectly white teeth on display, placing his hand on the blonde woman’s knee. Sirius looked at her like she was the only woman to exist as he spoke, “Thank you so much, Liz, it really is so incredible to hear such great feedback about the music I’ve put out. You’ve no idea how much it means to me,” Sirius had the same charming smile on his face, his expression never faltering.
Remus hated the fact that Sirius was so good at putting on such a perfect act, hiding all of the ugliness away behind a mask. Despite this, Remus kept on watching the interview, listening intently to whatever Sirius had to say about his most famous single.
Sirius’ charming demeanor was swapped out for a solemn one on the screen, and he sat back in his seat as he spoke. “This song is special to me,” Sirius sighed, “It’s about loss, losing someone you love. I wrote it for someone I was in love with but have since broken up with.”
Sirius fidgeted nervously with the ring on his finger, the Black Family signet etched on it, “More importantly, it’s about guilt, and if I’m being honest…I feel very guilty about how my last relationship ended. I, um, did things I shouldn’t have done and I hurt someone I loved very deeply.” Sirius shifted in his seat, looking sorry and Remus almost threw the phone screen Sirius was currently on at the wall.
Dora laughed from beside him, running her hand soothingly over Remus’ arm, “Woah, chill, it looks like you wanna strangle someone.” She paused the interview and placed the phone on the table.
Remus scoffed, “That’s ‘cause I do. Wanna strangle someone, I mean.” He shook his head with a huff, “It’s just so fucking hypocritical, Dora. He’s so fucking stupid and I hate him, like, who the fuck does he think he is? It’s about losing someone you love? Give me a break, he stole my songs and then got rich and famous off of them. I don’t feel an ounce of regret for the way I talked to him that night.”
Dora nodded, “Have you heard the song?”
“No,” Remus shook his head, “I avoid all of his music like it’s the fucking plague, Dora. It’s nearly impossible though because everywhere I turn, there he fucking is. His dumb fucking face plastered on every major magazine,” Remus waved his hands in emphasis, “He only got that far with my music ‘cause his daddy’s got money.”
“A lot of money,” Dora chimed in with a shrug, “As much as I love to hate the guy with you, this new song he put out is good.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “You’ve been listening to my ex’s music?”
“Not on purpose, it came up on the radio the other day and by the time I realized who was signing, the song was over.”
Remus thought about it for a second, he had refused to listen to any of the songs Sirius had stolen from him. As far as he knew, Sirius had put out at least three of Remus’ most personal songs, but Remus refused to listen to any of them. He had heard that they were all beautifully composed, but that didn’t change the fact that Sirius had stolen from Remus.
Despite this, Remus couldn’t lie and say that he wasn’t curious to hear the songs his ex-lover put out. With a sigh (and regret already building in the pit of his stomach), Remus turned to Dora, “What did it sound like?”
Dora’s eyes widened in surprise, “You’re really asking me to describe one of his songs to you right now?”
Remus groaned in frustration, running his hands over his face, “Yes, now tell me before I regret it.”
“It was good, kind of sad and pensive, in my opinion,” She shrugged, picking at the cracked nail polish on her nail bed, “Basically says it was all his fault, I think he’s talking about you.”
Remus laughed wryly, “It couldn’t be about me, all Sirius publicly does is fuck sick looking men and write sad songs about them. He’d never write a song about me.”
“You’re in denial,” Dora said in a sing-song voice.
“You’re a bitch,” Remus replied in the same mocking sing-song voice.
Dora laughed loudly, slapping Remus’ arm away from her own, “Do you wanna hear it?”
Remus shook his head, “No, I don’t. I don’t want anything to do with him, or his stupid fucking family ever again.”
Dora hummed, “Aren’t you friends with his brother?”
“James doesn’t count as his family right now,” Remus huffed, “But only for the sake of my argument.”
* * *
Dora left Remus’ apartment later that evening, leaving Remus alone with his reeling thoughts. Most of them were the angry, unkind things he’d say to Sirius if he ever saw him again; the others were stupidly curious and self-destructive.
His conversation with Dora was fresh in his mind, Remus truly wanted nothing to do with Sirius. He didn’t even want to remember Sirius existed, but to hear that he had potentially written a sad and pensive song about Remus? That piqued Remus’ interest.
Remus picked up the cushion next to him and placed it over his head, groaning loud and frustratedly into it. He was going to give in and give Sirius’ stupid song a listen. Would he regret this later? Probably.
He walked over to his refrigerator, pulling out the bottle of vodka he kept stashed away in the back of the freezer for emergencies. He took a long swig and winced as it burned its way down his throat, taking out a popsicle from the same freezer he made his way back to the couch.
The laptop on the coffee table was brought to life, its bright screen illuminating Remus’ dark one-bedroom apartment. It was currently 2:30 am and Remus was looking up: Sirius Black . Sirius’ name flooded Remus’ laptop screen, article upon article covering Sirius and his new fling. Remus impulsively clicked on the newest article, Sirius’ arm looped loosely around the neck of a wiry-looking man, his lips affectionately brushing the man’s jaw.
Remus huffed to himself, thinking about how funny life was. Just five years ago, Sirius had been disowned for being gay and now he was on the cover of a major magazine draped across another man. Sirius’ family had seemingly become okay with the idea of Sirius being gay; maybe it was just me they didn’t agree with, Remus thought bitterly.
Remus shook the bitter thoughts away and kept scrolling through the article, at the bottom of the page was a link to Sirius’ new song. Remus clicked on the link hesitantly, almost shutting his laptop screen and running to his room before the song had a chance to play. He opted against this option, far too curious (and self-destructive) to let himself go to sleep without listening to the song.
A soft guitar melody rang through the speakers of Remus’ laptop, Sirius’ now-foreign voice sang: You’re an angel, I’m a dog. Or you’re a dog and I’m your man. You believe me like a god, I destroy you like I am.
Remus let out a bitter laugh, because of course Sirius would admit to betraying Remus while likening himself to a god the entire time. He felt himself inhaling sharply at Sirius’ words, his sweet, solemn voice cutting into Remus like a knife.
I’m sorry I’m the one you love, no one will ever love me like you again. So, when you leave me, I should die. I deserve it, don’t I?
God, Remus thought to himself, he knows me too fucking well. Because of course Remus still loved Sirius and he’d likely die regretting it, but apparently so would Sirius. Sirius was obviously feeling just as shitty as Remus was, even though he’d left town nearly three years ago.
He drank from the bottle of vodka as he continued listening to the song, his heart sinking with the next string of lyrics: I can feel it gettin’ near, like flashlights comin’ down the way. One day you’ll figure me out, I’ll meet judgment by the hounds. People always gave me love, others were never to blame after all. You believe me like a god, I betray you like a man.
If Remus were different, if he hadn’t been so hurt by Sirius’ betrayal, this song would’ve been enough to move Remus to reach out to Sirius. Maybe that’s what Sirius wanted. But it wouldn’t happen like that this time around, Remus wouldn’t allow himself to apologize to Sirius for anything that happened, not when he was the one who was hurt.
Instead of crying or thinking more about the deeper meanings of the song, Remus drank.
The liquor burned in his throat, Remus pretended the tears welling in his eyes were a direct result of the alcohol.
Remus laughed and shut his laptop angrily, thinking about the wiry man in the picture of the article, of course Sirius would just find someone else to replace him. He had the money, the fame, all of the means to do it; Remus was replaceable to Sirius, this cemented it.
Still slightly sober, but more angry than he had felt in years, Remus walked over to his bedroom with the bottle of cheap vodka still in his hand. He took another drink from it as he pulled out his song journal from underneath his bed along with a cigarette.
Remus lazily lit the cigarette and took in a breath of the cool smoke, calming him down slightly as he wrote: I have nightmares each week ‘bout that Friday in May, one phone call from you and my entire world changed. Trust that you betrayed, confusion that still lingers; took everything I loved and crushed it in between your fingers. And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did, but I hold onto every detail like my life depends on it. My undying love, now, I hold it like a grudge and I hear your voice every time that I think I’m not enough.
Sirius had taken everything good Remus had ever done in his life and published it without him knowing, making a profit off of Remus’ lifelong work. Everything that Remus had felt good and passionate about had been corrupted by Sirius’ selfishness and greed. Remus wished he’d never met Sirius.
The cigarette hung slightly from Remus’ mouth as he wrote, his hand shaking as he angrily wrote: And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream. How could anybody do the things you did so easily? And I say I don’t care, I say that I’m fine. But you know I can’t let it go, I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried for so long. It takes strength to forgive, but I don’t feel strong.
Imaginarily arguing with Sirius had become a routine for Remus. He’d often find himself thinking about what he’d say to Sirius if he ever saw him again, angry at all the work Sirius had stolen and claimed as his own.
Remus won all of his arguments, saying all the things he wished he could’ve said then. He took another drag from the cigarette as he wrote: The arguments I’ve won against you in my head: in the shower, in the car, and in the mirror before bed. Yeah, I’m so tough when I’m alone, and I make you feel so guilty and I fantasize about a time you’re a little fuckin’ sorry. And I try to understand why you would do this all to me–you must be insecure, you must be so unhappy. And I know, in my heart, hurt people hurt people and we both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal.
Remus had given everything he had to Sirius, loved him with every fibre of his being. He still didn’t understand how Sirius was capable of being so cold and callous when it came to something they were both so passionate about. Apparently, it had all been about money and profit with Sirius, he’d played the long game and won. Remus laughed wryly to himself as he thought this, Sirius had lured him in and made him fall in love with him, then he’d used Remus and tossed him aside like he had never been significant in his life.
Do you think I deserved it all? Your flowers filled with vitriol? You built me up to watch me fall, you have everything, and you still want more.
Remus put on a brave face in front of all his friends, harboring a very angry, borderline hostile attitude towards Sirius. In private though, Remus could never bring it upon himself to fully hate Sirius. His stupid heart was too stubborn, forcing Remus to have love for Sirius even after everything he’d done.
He wrote the last verse with a small sigh, the cigarette loosely grasped in between his non-busy hand: I try to be tough, I try to be mean but even after all this, you’re still everything to me. And I know you don’t care, I guess that that’s fine, but I can’t let it go, I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried for so long. It takes strength to forgive, but I’m not quite sure I’m there yet. It takes strength to forgive, but…
Reading the song back to himself, Remus felt more angry than when he’d begun writing. Though, maybe it wasn’t truly anger, just misplaced sadness and disappointment–Remus didn’t really know what he felt. He let his mind think back to Sirius and all of the good times they’d had together, Remus’ stupidly stubborn brain conveniently leaving out all of the bad memories.
Finally, he thought back to the picture of Sirius and the wiry man, and Remus realized just how much the man in the picture looked like him. He hated Sirius, hated the way he still had so much power in Remus’ life. Drunk and angry, no longer feeling like sitting alone in his apartment, he texted Dora. Dora was apparently just as drunk as he was, sending Remus the location of the club she was currently at.
Remus made a lot of self-destructive choices that night, but none more self-destructive than having a child out of spite.
* * * Now * * *
Yesterday had been particularly bad for Remus, he’d found himself writing a song about Sirius Black almost eight years after he’d left town. It really wasn’t his fault, at least, not entirely. It all started when his hip began to ache from the cold, his mind filled with memories from his adolescence. Most of them happy, but nearly all of them involving Sirius Black.
The night before his hip began to hurt, Remus had been dreaming about seeing Sirius again, or at least a version of him. Remus saw the same black dog that he’d seen in the years before, the same one that represented Sirius in his dreams. Remus woke from that nightmare with a thin layer of sweat covering his skin, the cold air against it making him shiver.
The next morning, Remus found it impossible to stop thinking about the song lyrics he’d scribbled out in the middle of the night. With a sigh he picked up the notebook and began strumming his guitar to find a melody.
Remus’ guitar and soft voice filled the room: I walk under weathered skies, I smile at the other smiles. I hear someone outside; I guess it’s time. I stand in the kitchen light, wash pans and enjoy my life, someone calls my mobile; I guess it’s time.
It had been years since he thought about Sirius, much less dreamt about him in dog-form. Remus hated that Sirius had such a lasting effect on him: Hello black dog, it’s been a while. I know that face, I know those eyes, I changed my address and blocked you online but you’ve found me in the dark and kept me from the light.
I run in the morning light, I spend all day replying, I wake in the heart of night and hear its sigh.
Hello black dog, it’s been a while. I know that face, I know those eyes, I changed my address and blocked you online but you’ve found me in the dark and kept me from the light.
Of course, Remus knew he’d have to think about Sirius Black sooner or later, especially seeing as he was one of the biggest stars on the planet and he had been for years now. Despite this, Remus didn’t want to ever think about him again, but here he was taking over his dreams again.
It was rude and jarring for Sirius to come crashing back into his life again, but Remus expected nothing less from Sirius Black, even if it was in a dream. He sang the last verse softly, thinking about Sirius in a way he’d never admit was loving: And hello black dog, I’ve been expecting your kind. Go check the fridge for something you’d like and stay for the night; you can sleep by my side. Then it’s goodbye black dog, til next time.
Remus put his guitar down and sprawled out on his bed, finally able to think after composing the melody for his nightmare song. It was a bad habit Remus couldn’t break, unable to think about anything except the melodies of his songs whenever he wrote something down.
He’d grown into a comfortable silence, his racing thoughts having quieted down, but Remus was quickly torn from the comfortable silence by the phone ringing next to him.
He picked up the phone, lazily scratching his hip as he answered, “Yeah?”
“Re, we’re on our way,” Dora’s voice rang through the phone, “Bear couldn’t wait any longer without seeing you.”
Remus laughed and sat up in his bed, “Oh? And where will young Edward lead us this evening?”
“Park!” His son’s excited voice rang through the speaker, followed by a hushed scolding from his mother. “Please,” he added quickly and entirely insincerely.
“Okay, Bear,” Remus smiled, “I’ll see you both in a bit, hm?”
Teddy didn’t reply, instead Dora laughed into the phone’s speaker, “I can’t believe we’re co-parenting the world’s rudest child ever.”
Remus laughed, “He’s not rude, he’s just five.”
Dora whispered into the phone, “Is it bad that I think he can be an ‘A-word’?”
Remus laughed loudly, “Don’t call our son an ‘A-word’, he knows what it means.”
“Oh, fuck,” Dora sighed, “I give up trying to censor myself around him, I’ll see you in a bit, Re.”
“See you,” Remus chuckled as he hung up the phone.