Why should I play the grieving girl?
The heavy fluttering of wings bracing to land would have never been graced with her carefully attributed attention before; Lily Evans, muggleborn through and through simply did not get mail. Her parents didn’t understand how to use owls and it cost too much to get them shipped all the way to hogwarts and her sister didn’t care. So when an unfamiliar looking bird jerked to a stop right in front of her she froze. Everyone else continued around her, not at all confused at their own mail; Mary was laughing at the muggle post card her brother sent her, Marlene was blushing madly as Dorcas’ owl flew from the slytherin table over. Shaking her self out of whatever spell had come over her, Lily reached over and carefully took the letter from the owl. With her heart beating rapidly in her throat she opened it.
To: Lily Evans,
We are sorry to inform you that your sister, Petunia Evans has past away in a car crash. We are ensuring all immediate family are notified to arrange for a funeral.
Deepest condolences,
Rachael - The Royal Berkshire Hospital.
Her eyes scanned over the letter once, twice re-reading it waiting for the words to suddenly shift and tell her something else- anything else. Her sister can’t be dead- she- she- no no no this isn’t no. And the worst part was Lily didn’t even know how she felt. The world around her was muffled, and her head was spinning as she waited for the Greif to set in. Her sister- Petunia was dead. She died. In a car crash. Yesterday it seemed like. Feeling like she might pass out Lily scrunched up the letter and tossing it carelessly onto to the table. She then quickly rose from her feet and ignoring everyone else she rushed from the great hall, her red hair swinging behind her.
Her mind swimming with Flashes of a little girl with curly black hair writing her own letter, begging to come to school with her sister. Of jealous glares, stolen things, harsh words that made her want to change everything about her self just so her sister would like her.
Memories of letters that would tear apart her heart.
Lily,
I am engaged to Vernon. Mother has requested I inform you of my news but you will not be expected at the wedding.
-Petunia
Of 12 and 15 year old sisters
“Tunia!! Want to play with me?”
“I don’t play with little freaks like you Lily.”
All she was was a bitter jealous girl who used every chance she could to belittle Lily and make her feel horrible for being magic or for being pretty or smart of anything she didn’t like.
Pushing the door to the astronomy tower open she quickly slid down the wall not wanting to be disturbed. Fuck it- she didn’t want to go to the funeral. Everyone would be filling the room with sweet stories of a person Lily hadn’t been allowed to know and telling her how sorry for her loss they were.
She didn’t want to hear about how sorry they were or how amazing her sister was. The second hand sorrow was going to eat her alive, oh how she was such a great Daughter and wonderful friend. Well if she was so fucking amazing why did she leave Lily all alone when they used to be so close? Why did she constantly remind Lily of how much she loathed her existence. All she ever wanted was to have a healthy, friendly relationship with her sister- like Mary and her brother. So why should she have to play the grieving sister? Why should she have to fall part for a girl who cared more about the pile of shit that was Vernon than her literal blood related sister? No one was going to tell her she didn’t have it right, that is wasnt black and white because it fucking was, all Petunia did was hurt her and abandon her and and- and if she really wasn’t the monster that Lily thought, that everyone was right it just meant that Lily had lost her chance and then what was she supposed to do?
Pushing herself up she made her way over to the railing, staring up at the night sky. Why would this happen? Why couldn’t they both just live their years separate forever? Even in death she has to make her life hell. Her mind feels like it’s on fire, a burning sensation of what she should be feeling verses what she is feeling and the knowledge that she has no idea what she is feeling at all. Fuck it she just wants to scream and cry and curse her goddam sister out and hug her one last time and it’s all so bloody fucking unfair.
“Lily?” The call of her name makes her spin around so fast she might have physical whiplash. Fuck she is not ready to talk to anymore why did they follow her she just wants privacy and some space to sort out her stupid head. She’s about to open her mouth and say all this when the figure comes into view.
“Figured you’d be up here.” Sirius gave her a small smile, pulling out a cigarette. Sirius Black- possibly the only one who could actually understand.
She closed her mouth, instead reaching out with her figures and snapping them together, effectively igniting the end of the stick. Lily watched as the black haired boy raised it to his lips and took a drag before letting out a reluctant sigh.
“You forgot this. James and I read it I won’t lie to you, but it was because you left looking so worried.” Panic and anger shoot through her and she snatches at the scrunched up piece of paper that he holds out to her.
“Sirius what the fuck why would you do that I-“
“Evans! Please I’m sorry but surely I of all people would understand?? Look u don’t have to talk if you’d rather we can sit in silence or I can go but if you want to rant or scream or even want advice I’m pretty experienced in the shitty sibling department.”
He ran a hand through his hair, looking the most unsure she’d ever seen him. This wasn’t the cocky arrogant boy she usually knew. But then again she remembers him bringing her chocolate the day her sister got engaged and all the times she’s hexed or given regulus detention for saying something negative about his brother. They’d anyways had this sibling-issues solidarity how could she have forgotten. Shoving the note into her pocket, Lily began to pace.
“I just- she was so horrible to me Sirius! She hated me so much and she didn’t even hide it. I felt like utter shit whenever I was around her and she just continued to hurt and hurt and hurt. Fuck do you know what that does to a girls self esteem!? And she didn’t even invite me to her wedding- fuck I recon she wouldn’t even want me to go to the funeral.” She turned around to face him, she could feel the tears building and burning her eyes but she refused to let them fall. The second she made eye contact with Sirius she cast her eyes back to the floor. Oh for Merlin’s sake her sister was dead and here she was complaining about her feelings god-
“Lily. Lils just look at me for a sec Yeah?” Inhaling she did just that and was met with two grey eyes that shone with deep understanding. “You are allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling. Just because your family doesn’t mean you’re obligated to feel only positive things for them, even in death. God knows I’ll be throwing a party when Walburga dies- but that’s not the same thing. Just let yourself feel don’t let her control you even now.” He reached out his hand and gave hers a little squeeze before taking another drag from the cigarette, clearly waiting for her to speak.
“I just- I just know that when people find out, when I go home or to the funeral everyone’s going to expect me to play the grieving girl but I’m just not- sad? I don’t know if that’s the right word but I just can’t. I grieve for the girl she once was back when we were 12 and 9 but not the woman she was when she died. Does that make me a horrible person Sirius??”
“No. Absolutely fucking no. And I’m always right so don’t fight with me” that make her let out a small ugly laugh.
Lily could feel her emotions bubbling, the feeling of the world pressing down on her shoulders. Everything was happening too fast, her breaths staggering and fast fuck she couldn’t breathe everything was happening too fast and she couldn’t make sense of any of it. The ringing in her ears got faster, her heart beating so fast it might fall out of her chest from where it sat heavy and painful.
“Fuck Sirius-“ she gasped out as she felt tears begin to well. Yet she felt as if they weren’t even tears of grief more tears of frustration and unyielding pain- grief for the girl she had once known at age 9.
Before she knew what was happening strong arms wrapped around her, pulling into his chest.
“Shhh lily it’s okay to feel” five words spoken from her friend and it was like a damn broke. Gasping, gut wrenching sobs erupted from her as she buried her face in Sirius’s chest. She could feel him lower them both to the ground and she curled up even tighter as he ran a smoothing hand down her back.
She cried for the little girl who just wanted her sister to love her. She cried for the two friends from the same parents running around the house and playing before the youngest got her letter. She weeped for the 15 year old who wasn’t invited to her own sisters wedding and the girl who got insults and hatred thrown at her whenever she dared to go home.
“It’s ok for us miss who they were Lily” She almost didn’t hear that, almost missed the confession as Sirius whispered it so faintly but she did.
“Us?”
“Shit sorry I’m not about to make this about me.” She scrubbed her eyes with her hands and slowly pushed her way off of the boy, moving to sit shoulder to shoulder with her. Her head ached from crying and her eyes burned like the fire in the common room, red around bloodshot pupils. She felt lighter though. The tiniest weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she felt as if she could at least breathe. The pain was still there, scorching, searing pain in her heart but there wasn’t anything the boy next to her, or the boy with beautiful eyes waiting downstairs or even her closest friends in the whole world waiting in the dorm could do about that, hugs chocolate and pillow-forts couldn’t help her this time. But they could share the weight and that would help.
“Here.” Lily felt Sirius nudge her hand with his own and looked down to see a transfigured cup filled with water and she felt she could cry again just for how thoughtful this usually arrogant boy could be. Bringing the liquid to her mouth she thought over the information she just acquired.
“What…what happened Sirius? You knew exactly what to say and I’m pretty sure I would’ve heard about..him dying-“ she winced at her own words and squeezed her eyes shut, reaching her hand out to his and repeating the squeeze.
She heard as he took a shaky breath.
“He- he took the dark mark” Lily thinks this might be the quietest she’s ever heard him speak.
“Oh Sirius…” his hand was shaking in hers.
“And it’s just so- I’ve been telling my self that I don’t care that it was his choice and Id known this was coming but fuck I had hope- hope that one day..he- he might come back to me. Fuck Lily he took the dark mark! My little brother has sold his soul to the Dark lord and I want to hate him but I just fucking can’t! What in Merlin’s godforsaken name am I meant to do with that!?” His eyes were blazing wild with hot tears dripping down them.
Before she can say anything he drops his head onto her shoulder and whispers barely audible,
“I miss him.”