Just sleeping?
Regulus was there again.
The room was, as usual, dark and cold. And he was in the center of it. As usual.
The boy already knew what was about to happen, so he closed his eyes, trying to fight against the future that kept repeating itself over and over again. But, as usual, it kept failing. And fail. And fail.
Pandora, the other Pandora, his Pandora, had advised him to think about different things when these dreams, because he knew they were dreams, happened. To real things. To things he knew were real. And that they weren't false like the screams that he kept hearing reverberating in his bones.
So he decided to think about the first thing that came to mind in that moment, before the shadows surrounded him and took away his sight, namely Romeo. Romeo and the soft, white fur. The strange expression he made when James stroked a spot behind his left ear. The eyes of him that widened in a funny way and that always provoked a laugh from James. It was nice to know that at least in that unreal world he could still laugh. They could still laugh.
But that was the truth. It wasn't a real world. It wasn't their world. And consequently Romeo wasn't real either. He wasn't real. The only thing he could think of to distract himself from the unreal screams was something unreal. Great. It was at that very moment that a shiver went through him and the shadows took control of his vision.
Something real. Something real. Why couldn't he think of anything real? What was wrong with him? Something real was... it certainly wasn't the sound he heard the next moment when he heard the strangled sound of a scream in Narcissa's voice. Or the one that followed after that looked like Sirius. Maybe it was Barty. What if what he thought wereNarcissa's screams actually belonged to Pandora? To Dorcas?
Something real. Regulus clenched his fists with all his might, until his nails entered his palm. However, the pain did not come, and the cries were increasing. They were increasing in number and volume.
Real, real. something about...James. James Potter. James was as real as he was. It was real with him. James pretending not to be sick when in reality he was worse than Regulus had ever seen. James who hummed Queen when he swept or cooked. James who smiled instantly when they talked about Christmas or Romeo. James who missed his mother and to whom Regulus had opened up about his father. The same James who heard him scream at that moment, the scream so loud and so real that it took his breath away. James who was as real as he was now screaming. And he kept screaming and screaming. Why couldn't he stop screaming? Why couldn't he hear the other screams anymore? Why were James's so strong?
Why were they true? Why were they real? Why did it seem like they were getting closer? Why did James start shouting Regulus' name? To ask him for help? Regulus wanted to help him. He wanted to help him. He had to help him. Help James who was calling him. How could he help him? He couldn't help it. He couldn't help it. He couldn't move. The shadows were climbing up his legs and pulling him down and he couldn't reach James. James, James, James...
Regulus suddenly opened his eyes and without thinking too much, without thinking at all, hit the person who was touching him and who was perhaps talking to him. Was he talking? He was definitely touching it, that was for sure. His breathing was difficult to control.
The person, who he discovered was James as his vision came back into focus, made a strangled sound of pain and lowered his head abruptly, bringing his hand to his face.
The boy took some quick breaths to re-establish the normal pattern of his breathing before opening his eyes wider, “James? What are you doing here? Weren't you—are you here?”
The boy made another sound of pain as he gently touched his nose and Regulus could clearly smell the blood that made his stomach knot almost instantly, memories trying to rise to the surface but he sent back. “I heard you scream and ran to see if you were being killed by someone or something! I didn't think you would hit me. By the way, you hurt me a lot.” He complained in a whining tone,
Regulus looked at him for a few seconds, studying whether what was happening was actually happening, before reaching out and touching the face of the boy in front of him to be able to feel his warmth. It was true. It was real again.
He was as real as he was. James raised his head slowly, his hand covering his nose, which was definitely bleeding by now, to meet the gaze of the boy in front of him who didn't remove his hand. “I'm sorry if I scared you, I thought—”
“Thank you.”
A pause. “Thank me?”
“For waking me up and coming. I'm sorry I...hit you.” He said in a low tone and the only thing James could think about was definitely not how much his nose was bleeding or how much it hurt, but how… fragile he looked? In that moment.
“Are you okay?”
“You're bleeding.” Regulus said instead, suddenly removing his hand and immediately standing up straight, “You're bleeding blood. Oh, Merlin, did I hit you? Oh, Morgana,” the boy asked again as if waking up from the trans he had entered at first, not allowing James to answer, and then quickly getting up from the bed taking his hand and taking him to the bathroom, while he followed him surprised not actually understanding what was happening. “Sit down on the tub and don't take your hand off your face yet. Merlin, don't come near me again when I'm sleeping, Potter. You realize? I could have hurt you!”
The boy half-laughed at that, “You could have? You mean to tell me that this isn't the majority of your strength?”
“It's not and shut up. Where is it?” he responded promptly by bending over and opening the cabinet as he passed by without looking at a towel that James took and placed over his nose, hissing in pain at the contact. Okay, it hurt more than he thought. “Gentle, James. Delicate.” He added without even looking at him, continuing to look for what he was looking for.
“I'm trying to be gentle but it hurts like hell, what are you looking for anyway?”
“This.” The boy said turning towards him and showing him the bottle of disinfectant and some cotton.
James moved away from him slightly as Regulus sat next to him on the edge of the tub, “Why is it green? The one we had used was not green.”
“Because it has nettles to make the wound suffer more. Come here.” The boy explained as he placed the bottle on the piece of cotton, which turned a lighter green but still green.
“I think I'll pass. I'm okay. I was just trying to make a scene, I assure you.”
“Come closer.”
“No.”
“James, come on, I was joking.” Said Regulus now kindly,
“I don't want to put that thing on my nose. I have the towel, that's enough for me. You see? It’s already absorbing enough.”
“James.”
“Can I—”
“No, come here.” He said, making more room for him before adding, “Please.”
James looked at him carefully before walking over to him and sitting down next to him, “I only sat down because my back hurts, not because I want to wear that thing.” He said with a disgusted face while Regulus rolled his eyes,
“What if I put it on you? Would that be better?” James thought about it for a few seconds and to fully convince him, the boy added, “I'll be delicate. You know I can be delicate, right?”
“You promise?”
“I give you my word, but please let me fix this before I feel bad.”
“You don't like blood?”
“It reminds me of memories I'd rather not remember.” The boy said before leaning forward and taking the glasses, placing them on the sink and then taking the towel from James' hands and placing it in the tub. “If I hurt you you have to tell me, okay?” he added then meeting the gaze of the boy who was trying to focus his vision.
“Weren't you delicate?” he asked then as Regulus raised his hand and placed a wet towel on the boy's nose, which he hissed, recoiling slightly.
“Did it hurt?” he asked kindly while James nodded slightly,
“Yeah.” But still he leaned in again and allowed Regulus to wipe away the blood, then took the piece of green cotton, but stopped before placing it on his face,
“Can I?” he asked in a low tone and James involuntarily leaned further forward, but Regulus didn't pull away and remained still,
“Will it hurt?” he asked, trying to stay as close to the boy's face as long as possible,
“If it hurts, I'll stop. I promised you, didn't I?”
“You did.”
“Good, I'll put it on now.” Regulus said, actually doing what he said, while James narrowed his eyes slightly, because yes, it hurt. “I'm sorry. I'm almost done though.”
“You're just getting started.”
“It's those phrases that are said, you know.”
“What were you dreaming about? If I may ask.” He asked after a few seconds then and Regulus didn't look away from his face,
“Sometimes…I have these nightmares that feel very real and—sorry, I didn't mean to—where—” Regulus sighed, “I hear cries for help from people I care about. And I can never do anything to help them.”
“It's horrible, Reg, I'm so sorry.”
“Sirius, Pandora, Narcissa, Barty and now apparently you too.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.” Regulus said pausing for a few seconds before starting again,
“Do you always have them?”
“More often than I would like, if I'm honest.”
James waited a few seconds before saying, “When we slept together, in bed together, did you have any nightmares that wouldn't let you sleep?”
Regulus continued to apply the disinfectant but shook his head slightly,
“And that time when we slept on the bench in the park?” then he continued,
“No, I didn't. Where do you want to go?”
“A way to make you sleep and to,” the boy explained, pausing for a moment before continuing, “To make me sleep better too, okay? When I slept…not alone, I slept better. Isn't it the same for you too?”
Regulus didn't respond for a few minutes, in which James thought he had gone too far, before saying, “Are you looking for a way to get me into your bed, James Potter?”
And James began to cough at that, saliva going sideways, while Regulus stared at him curiously, the piece of disinfectant still in his hand, “I didn't mean—”
“What? Didn't you mean to suggest that I sleep in your bed?” Regulus asked impassively, starting to delicately place the cotton on the boy's nose again, but this time placing his other hand on his cheek to keep him still,
“Would you do it?” James asked at this point in the most neutral tone of voice possible even though his heart was beating faster now,
“I don't know. Why should I? I hate you.”
“Do you hate me?” asked James trying to focus his sight to see if the boy was lying or not, to no avail,
“I don't know. Do I hate you?” Regulus said as he lifted the boy's chin slightly, that he took the opportunity to say what he had wanted to say for years,
“You always said you hated me, I honestly don't know why either.”
“Because you're the brother, the person, that Sirius always wanted but never had.”
“What? I—that's not true. He loves you. More than anything. Trust me.”
“I know he loves me, James. I can see it. Just not how much he loves you.”
“No, that's not true. He loves you. I—”
“He would choose you over me. Over everyone else. We all know it. And with time I accepted it.” Regulus explained as he put down the cotton and picked up a new towel,
“That's why you hated me? Because you were jealous?”
“I wanted to be like you. I wanted Sirius to look at me the way he looks at you. And right now I can't believe that I'm telling you this, but hearing your screams was—you are real with me in this fucked alternative world. I can't hate you when you act like a kind person to me. When you are a kind person to me. Pandora always says that being kind attracts kind events, things and people in ways we least expect. I'll be your nice person here.” Regulus concluded, lowering the towel but not removing his hand from James' face who was literally looking at him without words.
What was that? Was he dreaming? Impossible, the pain in his nose was too real to be a dream. But then why had he just asked Regulus to sleep with him and he hadn't insulted him? And why couldn't it be a dream? If it had been a dream he probably would have leaned over those two missing winds and he would have placed his lips on his. If it had been a dream he would have held Regulus in his arms and never let him go. He would make him realize how much this new side of him was only making his crush, his love, for him worse.
“So, you don't hate me anymore?”
“No, James. I don't hate you anymore. But you are still a stupid, don't ever forget that.” He added and James couldn't help but smile.
“But you like me.”
“I said that I don't hate you. I never said that I like you.”
“You do. God, being liked by Regulus it's something in every universe.”
“Shut up.” He replied, getting up and starting to wash off the towel in the sink, while the smile on James' face was huge as he grabbed his glasses from the sink.
“So, are you going to sleep with me? One night. And if something goes wrong, or you don't want to, we can always come back to normal. I mean, this normal.”
Regulus finished washing everything before nodding, “Okay. But I'll not sleep in your room. And, I'm doing this because I'm really tired and not because I like you.”
“But you just said that you did! Oi, I'm hurt!” The boy said happily before getting hit with a wet towel.
If you were to ask James what he was doing at that very moment, no one would give you a sensible answer. In fact, the boy had taken a nice walk for more than an hour at least, only to find himself in front of a tall building, which he continued to stare at in silence.
It was the same building that Pandora had shown him and of which she had given him the address. It was the same building that had the same colors as the photo.
It was the same building where Sirius lived.
He honestly didn't think the boy was home. He hoped he was home. But if he was being honest, part of him hoped he wasn't home. He hoped that he wouldn't meet him even though he missed him. Even though he missed him so much that when he thought about it he felt a pain in his chest. He missed Sirius. His Sirius. And he was afraid that his Sirius was gone.
But before he could leave, or do anything, his phone rang, interrupting his train of thought and making him pleasantly surprised to see that it was Regulus.
“Reg? Well, hello there.”
“Where are you?” He interrupted him quickly,
“Do you miss me?”
“No.”
“Then why are you calling?”
“Because…” A pause, “I just wanted to ask you if you were coming back for lunch, so that we could have lunch together.”
James smiled instantly, “Really? Aw, that is so—”
“Okay, you know what? I take that back.”
“But you can't! That's really sweet Reg.”
“I hate you. And I don't want you to come home anymore, thank you very much.”
“You don't. My nose is proof.”
Regulus sighed heavily on the other end of the line, “How is it?”
“Well. It's not even red anymore.”
“I am sorry.”
“Regulus, I already told you. It's okay.” The boy said more softly,
“So are you coming for lunch?”
“Are you going to cook?”
“Do you really want me to cook something? You saw me in the kitchen.”
“Oh please, as if everything you try doesn't turn out wonderfully."
“Do you truly believe that?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.” Regulus was silent for a few seconds, “Pandora mentioned that she wanted to cook a new dish tonight.”
“Really? What kind?"
“I think it was Italian. You know how much Pandora loves Italian foods.”
“Now yes.”
“Mhm. So I'll see you tonight?” asked the boy understanding that James wouldn't be coming for lunch, although now that he thought about it, spending more time with Regulus wouldn't be bad at all, on the contrary. He loved spending time with him. Because he definitely didn't have feelings for him.
“Yes. Do you want something?”
“Just take me a bottle of Sprite.”
“Isn't this the third one you've had this week?”
“Yeah, whatever, Potter.”
“See you this evening, Reg.”
“Yeah. Bye, Potter.” The boy heard before hanging up the call with a smile on his face, and his smile would have lasted even longer if he hadn't turned his head and seen what was about to happen in front of him. Which, after all, was what he had also come for.
As soon as he saw him exit the building, he recognized him instantly. Like he couldn't, after all. He would probably have recognized him even without his glasses, which was difficult since he was practically blind without them, as Marlene claimed every time she stole his glasses.
Sirius Black was happy. You could see him clearly. And as bad as the situation was, the boy's happiness made James feel better all of a sudden.
James took a deep breath as he took a step forward. He would talk to him. He had already decided it. If he had met Sirius, he would have spoken to him. Even if he, and he was quite convinced that this would happen, would not have recognized it. But he would talk to him.
He would talk to his best friend again for the first time. He would have done it a thousand times again.
However, he stopped when he saw a second person emerge from the building behind him, who put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him towards him, while Sirius laughed.
And that second person, was Benjy Fenwick. The same Benjy Fenwick who had clearly hit on Regulus. In both universes, if you ask him. The same as he continued to have what James wanted in those moments.
Regulus's smile then as much as Sirius's smile, now.
His whole plan went up in smoke, because they were certainly more than great friends. Best friends. His best friend had another best…friend.
He didn't think it would hurt this much. James remembered clearly that when Sirius had befriended Peter and Remus, he had been so happy about it that it was as if he had befriended them all over again.
But in that moment, he felt everything except happiness. And maybe he was selfish, but honestly selfish for what? He just—he just wanted back his friend. His life back.
But the only thing that he had was the lump in his throat that was becoming more and more evident. Because even though everyone liked Sirius, no one loved Sirius as much as James loved him. It was something beyond love for a person. It was something deeper. Something that, explained in words, would not make sense. Because it wasn't something that could be explained in words.
So James did the only thing he could think of, which was to turn around and go home to the only person who remembered him.
But before any of this happened, a voice, that damned voice, made him stop dead in his tracks. “Hey! You! Do I know you?”
James' heart skipped a beat. Literally. The boy quickly turned to see Sirius, and of course Benjy, approaching him. Again and again. Do I know you? Do I know you? Know you? You…you…you?
“Uh, I—”
Sirius ran a hand through his hair, “I'm sorry. I'm just sure I've seen you somewhere before. Have we met before? B says I'm going crazy, but that's not true.”
“Forgive him, he had a few too many drinks.”
“And that is not true.” The boy said hitting him on the arm, “I'm Sirius. Do you remember me?”
Remember him? How could he forget him? “I don't think so?” James said slowly, “I'm—new here. You know, just taking a walk.”
“Are you sure?”
“B, for God's sake, you're scaring him.”
James let out a nervous laugh as he couldn't understand what was happening while his eyes were starting to burn a little. No. He wasn’t going to cry. Not again. The important now was what was happening. Did Sirius remember him? Something about him? “It's okay, really.”
“What's your name? I bet it's something like Nicholas, right?” He asked and all the hopes, the little hopes that were really just a little hope that James had disappeared instantly, as Benjy hit his forehead with his hand,
“Ignore him. I'm Benjy. He is stupid.”
“I'm not stupid, B. He looks like a Nicholas to me. I knew Nicholas a long time ago. Mom always said that I knew a Nicholas.”
“And that's another lie. Walpurga surely said it's true to keep you quiet.”
“Yeah, whatever, you asshole.”
“I'm James. James Potter.” The boy said, feeling excessive for the first time. He was too much with Sirius. For Sirius.
“See? No Nicholas. Do you know any James Potters in your life?”
“Now yes. I like the name. James Potter and Sirius Black—” Yes. It always like that. In every universe, in every sense, in every— “—and Benjy Fenwick. They sound so good together, am I right, James?”
James swallowed silently before replying, putting all his strength into remaining as normal as possible, “Amazing.”
“I promise you he doesn't do this with all people.”
“Only with people I have a good feeling about. You said you were new and from here, huh?”
“Mhm.” Probably if he talked too much he would burst into tears. He wanted to go home. He wanted to return to Regulus. James needed Regulus. Why wasn't he there?
“Do you want to go get something to drink?”
“No more alcohol for you, B.” Benjy said sending an apologetic look to James. The same apologetic look James would send someone when Sirius was drunk. But Sirius didn't seem drunk now. Or was he? “He's not drunk, don't worry. And we're not some duo that wants to rob you.”
“Like I said, I just drank a little something inside the house.”
“I said it.”
“Yeah, anyway. Are you busy, James?”
And there they are. What could James have replied to an invitation from his best friend who he hadn't seen for days and who he missed so much, even if he didn't remember him? Even if he didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to do it. Merlin, what did he want? “Nope. I'm totally free right now.”
“See? He gets me! Do you want to have an ice cream with us? I know this is strange but I feel like I can trust you, James Potter. And I know we'll become great friends.”
“The best.” Benjy added, rolling his eyes, but still smiling at his friend fondly.
“Why not. Chocolate it is!” James said quickly closing his mouth and stopping the next moment. Because obviously, Sirius' favorite flavor was chocolate, but he shouldn't have known that. Because he was a stranger. A stranger that he knew everything about.
It would probably have ended badly.
Sirius smiled widely though, putting an arm around James' shoulders, pulling him towards him, “See!? I told you talking to him would be a great idea! He just gets me!”
“Yes, B, you said it. For the tenth time.” Benjy said before Sirius pulled him towards him with his other free arm, and put it around his shoulders,
“So you didn't know me at all?” James asked, trying to sound as casual as possible,
“Actually I really thought that I had already talked to you and seen you. Maybe it was fate, huh? Anyway, what is your favorite flavour? B loves strawberry.”
Yes. A shitty fate.
When Regulus went up to the room, the lights were off. Which was quite strange considering that James never usually went to sleep this early. And usually, he always waited for Regulus to go to sleep too, to say goodnight.
It had now become a habit. Every time Regulus finished reading or doing something downstairs, he went up the stairs and met James who was punctually in his room, the door slightly open and the light on.
As soon as he heard him go up the stairs, the boy stopped what he was doing and got up to wish him goodnight with a wink. At first, if he was honest, he didn't answer him. A nod was enough, but he seemed happy.
Then something had changed, especially since Christmas. Or at least, since Mid-Christmas. Mid-November Christmas or whatever. It had become a habit to wait for James to get out of bed and look out the door to wish him goodnight, to reciprocate.
So every night Regulus climbed the stairs and reached his room. He stopped in front of it, placing his hand on the handle and waited for the boy to arrive. And the boy always came.
It was for this reason that when he entered the room he didn't expect James to be already asleep. Even though it was the first night they had tried this, and Merlin, Regulus hoped it had worked, he didn't think that would change. It had become so normal that he hadn't even noticed how routine it had become until then.
Regulus stopped for a few seconds looking at the bed before going into the bathroom to brush his teeth, obviously accompanied by Romeo, who was near the door waiting for him before fixing his hair slightly and returning to the room, where silence reigned.
Did he have to speak? He honestly didn't know if he should talk. It was James who usually spoke. And honestly, from the boy's breathing, it didn't sound like he was actually sleeping. But if he was pretending to be asleep, then he didn't want to talk. Why didn't he want to talk to him? Regulus was sure he hadn't done anything to him. Except for a few jokes but by now James had understood that they were jokes, right? Maybe he had gone too far?
No. He hadn't gone too far. And he honestly didn't even know why he was having all this trouble. He was just tired. After all, to be so happy every day, tiredness would come sooner or later, right?
As Regulus lay down next to him, Romeo, strangely enough, decided to move past him and moved closer to James, before positioning himself in James' arms, which wrapped around him gently. Strange. Romeo usually slept at Regulus' feet. Maybe because he had found him in his bed?
But obviously he was wrong. And he knew he was wrong when he saw the boy's shoulders tremble, before hearing him take a shaky breath, accompanied by a soft, barely audible (in fact if Regulus wasn't studying him he would never have heard it) sob.
James was crying.
He was crying.
And he didn't know what to do. That was why he hadn't spoken to him. That was why he had pretended to be asleep. Why was he crying? Regulus didn't think hearing James cry was so horrible.
He didn't think hearing him hide his tears was so horrible. I mean, yes, but he didn't think it was one of the most horrible things he'd heard.
“James?” No reply. He tried again, “James, are you okay? Do you…do you need something?”
The boy took another light breath and caressing Romeo with his chin said, “I'm fine.”
A long pause. “Is it a bad day?” He asked in an uncertain tone, looking at the dark ceiling above them,
“Maybe.”
He tried, “Do you want to talk about it?”
A sob that he tried to hide as much as possible, but which broke Regulus' heart. It was horrible. Why couldn't he stop being horrible? Why couldn't he stop making him feel horrible? “I don't know.”
“Something happened?”
“Yeah. I—today I—” he began, closing his eyes to stop the tears because he couldn't tell Regulus that he had met Sirius and that he hadn't recognized him. He could not. He would break him. He couldn't afford to hurt Regulus. “I just miss my Mom. I'm sorry.”
“Don't be. Sorry. Don't be sorry. It's okay. For what I can say…I miss my brother too, I can relate. And I miss Narcissa. I miss her so much, actually.”
James forced himself not to leave anything out, even though his heart was trying to keep the pieces together. “Mhm.”
“Do you want some water?”
“No. I'm okay. I have—I have Romeo.” A soft breath, “And maybe tonight I will sleep normally.”
Regulus said nothing after that. Then, a hand touched the boy's shoulder and remained there. “I promise we'll be back home soon, James.”
The only thing James could do about that was bite his cheek and squeeze his eyes shut so as not to literally burst into tears.
And so it was that the two fell into a dreamless sleep, Regulus's hand not moving from the boy's shoulder all night.
In the other room however, there was a person who was dreaming.
Pandora was dreaming.