Chapter 14
7th April 1974
Marls,
I hope that you're okay, though I know you're not.
I don't know what to do to make this better. I wish this hadn’t happened at the end of term party, I wish I could have spoken to you after. Your mum won’t let me in so I decided to at least write.
Sirius overreacted. I love him but he’s so dramatic. He's an idiot. His relationship with Regulus is complicated. He loves him, I think, but he hates him. I can’t ever decide if he hates Regulus for not rebelling, or hates himself for doing it.
Either way I don't think he’s actually mad at you, I don't think he actually thinks the Slytherins are all evil. He doesn't even know Dorcas off the pitch. You never see them outside their group these days.
I also don’t think he really thinks she's a predator for being friends with Regulus and that lot. He was just being a dick. Frank came into the dorm last night, threw a quaffle at Sirius and asked if that meant Frank was also a nonce. Then he made Sirius go and run laps on the pitch for an hour.
I mean I do know that she hexed him before when he was being a tit to Regulus in the hall, you know after his last birthday when we spent the week before pretending Regulus was invisible and got mad when he stopped trying to speak to him? Well I didn't tell him it was her cause I figured he deserved it.
I know that the rest of us don't agree with him either Marls. Honestly I was a bit shocked. I can’t speak for Remus but he wouldn't even speak to Sirius for the rest of the night and was already down for breakfast when we woke up. I tried to speak to him but he shook me off. I hope he's okay alone in the castle. He did say as he shut his curtains though, ‘I didn't think even you would be homophobic Black.’ I didn't even know what that meant honestly. Mum explained it to me though, I hope you don't mind that I told her but she was really worried Marls.
I don't think Moony is right though. I don’t think Sirius is homophobic, he’s never said anything about it before and Gid keeps making out with that Ravenclaw guy and Sirius watches them sometimes and he doesn't say anything and he would, he can't shut up sometimes.
I just think that he thinks you were on his side, and by going out with Dorcas, you're choosing Regulus’ side. The family's side or whatever. I know that you're not. I also don't think it should be on you to fix this because you haven't done anything wrong and he was a dickhead to you. But I think he thinks you’re abandoning him and well… you know. I think if he understands you still wanna be his friend or whatever, he’ll be okay.
Please let me come over. I wanna help Marls, you know you’re like my sister. I can't stand this. Tell me how to fix it.
Jamie.
Enclosed within the letter is a smaller scrap of paper;
My Darling,
I can only imagine what you're feeling right now, how lost and confused everything must be. Understanding what your heart needs is one thing, being brave enough to pursue it is another thing entirely. Let alone when the people you love are calling you a traitor for it. Unfortunately the world is never short of idiots. I am so proud of you for finding what makes you happy. It shouldn't be the hard part to stick to it. Unfortunately the truth is that sometimes love is not enough. You need tenacity and faith. Caving to pressure is so easy.
When Monty and I fell in love, our families were not pleased. For reasons I won't get into now, we ended up fleeing the country to be together. Eventually our families came around, we were lucky that they decided they loved us more than they hated each other. We were lucky. But I can relate to the kind of thing you must be feeling. I don't have a sibling but I felt so disappointed in myself when I realised I loved him. I knew how much the family hated his, how I should have resented him for our history, and should have known better. I just couldn't help myself. Something inside of him belonged to me. Like when my soul had landed on the earth a part of me broke away and took root in him. He felt like coming home.
I decided it was enough. I betrayed every value I had grown up with, turned my back on my ancestors. Because I decided the love I felt was worth the risk. My grandfather cursed my barren, said he would end the Potter line with my betrayal. It hurt in more ways than I can begin to express, my own Dadi spitting in my face, looking at me with pure hate and spewing vitriol at me as though all the hate in the world could change my mind.
He released the curse on his deathbed, pleaded with me to visit him and begged for my forgiveness. He was 142, I was 50. Fleamont and I had been married for twenty six years. Dadi told me that he was a foolish old man who had been so caught up in the past that he let it affect the future and ended up missing a lifetime with me. His only grandchild. That in his rage and his bitterness he had done irrevocable damage all because he held the sins of a great grandfather against a son. I forgave him. Monty tells me I shouldn't have but how could I not. He released the curse but it had cost us so much time. I wish I had persisted in changing his mind but I know I wasn't strong enough then. I was too young and too eager to make him proud of me to stand up for my own wants and needs.
You keep your jaan, it is not your job to remind people you deserve to be loved. I will be having words with the idiot in question myself, although I believe James is right, his rage is more to do with what he is perceiving from your actions than his opinion of your relationship itself.
Unfortunately as the tensions in government rise and the world begins to hold its breath I fear you will need to hold each other tight. The torrent of hate you will have to weather won't be easy. Not just for being gay. You come from opposite sides of magic, opposite sides of worlds. If there was something I could say, some warm blanket to wrap around your shoulders and keep you safe from their words, I would. All I can say is that the moments together, the life that lies through the woods will be worth it, you just have to be strong enough to make it.
Love cannot always be enough. But I will always be on your side, even if your love has done some questionable things, you're kids. You have time to grow and learn and change. I trust you, and if you think someone is a good person inside, I believe you. You deserve to be happy my darling.
You just need to give people time and prove them wrong. Show them they're idiots. If they look at the evidence and still tell you you're wrong then they are simply stupid and not someone you need to bother yourself with.
I’m always here if you need me, I am so proud of you.
All my love,
Amma Effy
Harry rubs his finger over the quill marks. He had needed solace after his friends left, Harry had taken to his chair and pulled Pandora’s box towards him. This had been the letter on top, Euphemia’s note folded inside James' letter. Amma, he knows what it means, even if he doesn't remember how. Mum. A letter from his grandmother, so full of love that Harry’s heart aches. Tears spill silently down his face. If only all of Draco’s past fell into “questionable things”. He doesn’t even know if Draco regrets his choices.
When they were here, Ron had talked about the trial with Harry. Honestly, it was the last thing keeping Harry from testifying, the worry that Ron wouldn’t be so forgiving. Worse, that Ron would demand Harry not testify and how would Harry say no to him after everything Ron had lost for Harry? For the war.
“Harry,” Ron had said with a shake of his head. “I know that I might not have agreed a couple years ago but I can see what he went through. I saw what he was at the Manor, I saw who he was in the fire. Also-”
Ron had reached out and squeezed Harry’s arm softly. “You think I would deny you happiness after everything you already lost? You’re allowed to be happy, mate. What kind of friend would I be if I stood in your way?”
Harry had remained unsure until Ron had laughed; “Well I mean, at least I wasn't the target of the poison. You did curse him in that bathroom though, feels even to me.”
The reminder of that day in the bathroom kept Harry on edge for the rest of the day. Unable to remain in his chair and read, Harry had gotten up and left the house for the first time in a while.
“Harry!” The shout travels across the sunbright street as Harry strides down Diagon Alley. He looks up anxiously, far too used to people thanking him in the streets now, but finds Neville waving at him from outside a café. Neville is holding a paper cup and jogging closer to Harry. As the sun hits his friend Harry inhales slightly, Neville smiles widely and Harry’s heart flips over. Growth looked good on his friend. As he gets closer Harry is able to see the white scarring across Neville’s face and arms, stark on his now bronzed skin, deepened from all that time in the greenhouses, and the mark of the war complimented Neville well. He looks like his mother. As he moves in Harry opens his arms and pulls Neville in close.
“Damn Nev, you look good!” Harry coos and Neville blushes, reaching up to smooth his hair as he laughs roughly.
“Shut up, Harry,” he mumbles and Harry frowns.
“I mean it Nev, you look good. Happy, healthy you know? You’re glowing.” Neville just turns a deeper shade of red and Harry laughs.
“What are you doing here anyway?” Harry asks.
“I just came to get some flesh eating slug repellent from Knockturn actually.” Neville tells him, gesturing down the road
Harry raises his brows. “Wow, I guess we really are grown ups now, huh?”
Nev laughs.
“Was it scary?” Harry asks with a grin.
“No, but I think… kind of exciting you know? Like, It’s pretty much empty these days but also, I've already fought all the scary things down there, you know?” Harry nods and Neville grins back at him. “But 13 year old me was thrilled. It felt like I was breaking the rules”
Harry laughs.
“That’s what I thought it would feel like. I wonder when you actually feel like a grown up.” Neville shakes his head and Harry looks down to where the alley branches away. “I ended up down there once you know, when I-”
“Yes, with Malfoy,” Neville cuts him off with a half suppressed smirk. “I did see you interseeded with Kinsley for them.”
“It wasn't for them,” Harry protests weakly but Neville bursts out laughing and Harry groans.
“Does everyone else know about this?” he demands and Neville shrugs a bit, still laughing. “Oh come on, I- Oh my god, I just remembered, I bumped into Dean the other day and he said it was ‘especially complicated’ with me and Draco. How did everyone else know?” Harry laments while Neville continues to laugh at him until Harry pokes him in the side.
“Alright, I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, it's just cute. What are you doing here anyway?” he asks and Harry hesitates for a second.
“I need some baby stuff,” he says and Neville blinks at him.
“You acquired a child?”
“I… am acquiring a child, yes. Remus- um, Professor Lupin, he had a kid and named me godfather.” This apparently doesn't satisfy Neville, who frowns at him.
“Why would Professor Lupin leave his kid to you? Did you know him that well outside of 3rd year and the Order?” Neville asks. Grief is so stupid, Harry thinks as regret floods his veins and the backs of his eyes burn.
Professor Lupin,
Remus,
Uncle Moony.
‘Did you know him that well?’ A weight settles in Harry’s heart at the uncrossable distance between himself and his family.
Black,
Sirius,
Snuffles,
Uncle Padfoot.
Dad.
Mum.
So much was taken from him, so much he missed out on because of a war. Those people who should have protected him from cupboards and older cousins. The people who would have baked him birthday cakes and fed him full meals. Those people who would have loved him enough to burn away a world, but never got the chance. Safety and community and love. Who would he be?
Professor Potter?
Mr Potter?
Harry?
Dad?
If Harry was playing Regulus in this turn of history, he would not allow Teddy to play himself. The last orphan of a war, the only other child of The Marauders. Would Harry leave Teddy to be raised by someone who treated him like a monster for something he couldn't control? Allow the cycle to continue? No.
“Harry?” Neville is shaking Harry’s shoulder lightly, causing Harry to blink out of his reverie.
“God, sorry Nev. It’s really complicated but… yeah, I do.” Harry might not have had the pleasure of knowing Remus Lupin as well as he should have while he was alive, but he was grateful for every letter now. For this sliver of a second chance. Neville just nods at Harry with a reassuring smile on his handsome face and they spend the next few hours buying things they both wanted as kids but were not allowed. In hindsight perhaps Neville, who also lost out on the childhood he wanted, found the process therapeutic as well.
George helped him when he returned. Kreacher had made them dinner which they ate while going through all of Harry’s purchases, before building flat pack nursery furniture together. Harry had sourced everything apart from a cot, there was just something wrong with each one they looked at. Eventually they retired to bed, but Harry, filled with an antsy energy, rose again. He found himself navigating the now homely halls of the old house until his feet found the way to his chair.
Harry hadn't noticed when it had started but somewhere along the way from Kreacher getting Regulus’ locket back and caring for the house again, through George moving in and bringing more life to parts of the house Harry didn't explore, through to the new nursery which seems to vibrate with love. The magic in the house had become his. Reacting to his needs without continuous thought, so as he settled into the chair, he found the lamps already lit, chair warm and Pandora’s box ready for him. A steaming mug of decaf tea and a flickering candle on the other side table. It was too good to resist.
Sirius,
I am not built for this. For loving you. I have spent my whole life functioning, enjoying every moment as it comes, never thinking of the future. Every full moon I would pray to be lost to the beast, pray my mother would be free of me. Such a burden I have been to everyone.
Everyone but you.
How dare you do this to me, come along and make me feel so worthy. So loved. You make me feel like life is worth living. For the first time in my life I am scared of dying. I am not finished yet. I have more to do, I have plans with you. A future.
You make me afraid to die.
There is time ahead of us that I can see in my mind, days and years and plans. I want more. I am so scared of losing that time with you. I want every second. I want every stupid argument and I want to have to choose what to cook every night and share looks across dinner tables when we hear something salacious. I want to lie in bed with you every night and tell you I would love you even if you were a worm. I want to wake every morning, sweating from how hot it is, smothered in your limbs and 3 blankets.
You bring me comfort and joy and companionship in a way I never thought I would deserve, I still don’t. But I want every second. It feels like I'm gliding on a frozen lake, heart racing, ecstatic and heady knowing how fragile this could be, that the ice could break but having faith that it won’t. That we did enough to keep the ice frozen solid. Every fight causes a surface crack, but the ice runs deep, and we keep going, onto thicker and thicker ice until the small cracks don't even scare us anymore. If it does, if the ice breaks I know I will drown. It will have been worth it, the way you make me feel is worth more than gold.
I want every second.
Happy anniversary my love.
Yours,
Moony.
Harry feels like his heart is breaking. When did their ice break? Remus had wanted every second, had he had it? Harry already knows he didn’t. So many wasted seconds from them all. Time slipping away like water, wasting it all. He doesn't realise what he’s doing until the crack of apparition fades from his ears and the looming gates of Malfoy Manor are in front of him. The gate creeks open easily for him, whether because he has been allowed into the wards by the occupants or because he already tore through them, he isn't sure.
Harry moves through the grounds until he finds himself at the base of the steps to the front door. He hesitates, biting his lip and looking down the side of the property. In the summer air, a window on the second floor is open. Helpfully, a trellis climbs the outside of the house, so without really stopping to think but unwilling to wake Mrs Malfoy, Harry begins to climb the outside of the manor.
When he becomes level with the open window, Harry reaches out swinging his body across as he grips the open window ledge, feet scrambling on the brick beneath him. His head raises over the ledge and he blinks at the wand in his face. There's a second where no one moves before a voice sighs and the wand drops, allowing Harry to chuck his body through the window and lie on the floor, looking up at a face he knows in his soul.
“I’m not even surprised.” Draco sighs, crossing his arms and looking down at Harry who watches the way Draco’s biceps move in his tight long sleeved shirt. Harry grins giddily, happy to see Draco again at last.
“Hi,” he says and Draco looks down at him in disgust.
“So fucking arrogant, Potter. You convince the Ministry to lower our restriction and decide that means you can just break in? You think I won’t curse you? I will!” Draco spits, although he keeps his wand pointed far away from Harry.
“Oh,” Harry mutters, frowning. He hadn’t really considered yet that Draco wouldn’t like him back. He pouts slightly.
“Are you pouting?” Draco demands, looking at him like he’s insane.
“No,” Harry pouts. now refusing to look at Draco.
“I’m going insane. That’s what this is. Too much time alone,” Draco states, turning his back on Harry.
“Wait, hang on!” Harry huffs, still pouting, as he wriggles around while trying to pull the parchment out of his pocket.
“What in Merlin’s name are you doing? You look like a worm.” Draco is looking at him again, seemingly genuinely concerned. Harry branishes the paper at him.
“Your mum said I was welcome anytime,” he tells the other man, smug. Draco’s lip curls with that well known vitriol and Harry’s stomach flips, heart racing suddenly.
“That’s a figure of speech, Potter, not an open invitation.” Draco is seething, hands clenched into fists around his wand.
“No, she specifically invited me to attend whenever I wish as Regulus has requested it. She put me in the wards.” Draco goes still, eyes narrowed on Harry before he lunches forward harshly, snatching the paper from Harry’s hand.
“Get off the floor,” Draco hisses after a second and Harry fumbles to his feet, turning back to face Draco and finding his eyes level with Harry’s bum, face flushed. Harry grins, reaching clumsily into his back pocket and knocking his wand onto the floor behind him. With a soft ‘whoops’ he turns, fully bending over at the waist to pick it up again, rising just a fraction too slowly before whirling quickly to catch Draco’s slightly parted mouth, cheeks scarlet and eyes wide. Catching Harry looking, Draco leaves the room without a word. Harry follows him.
“What are you up to?” Harry asks and Draco visibly tenses.
“Why are you following me? You know the way to Regulus by now, you come here enough.” Draco demanded, still speed walking away from Harry.
“You notice when I visit?” Harry asks and Draco stumbles slightly, whirling back to him looking horrified.
“I do not,” he gasps, stamping his foot slightly in a way that sends a rush of dopamine through Harry’s system and he has to bite down a grin at the adorable gesture. Draco strides closer with his finger extended at Harry. “Regulus talks about you constantly. When you visit, he will not shut up. I do not notice you.”
“Okay,” Harry mutters, watching Draco’s eyes dance and his skin blotch. He’s beautiful.
“Stop looking at me,” Draco snaps and Harry looks at the ceiling for all of a second before his eyes settle on Draco’s face again. “Oh, for Merlin’s sake. Go find him and leave me alone.” Draco snaps, whirling around and starting to walk away from Harry.
“Well, I would,” Harry begins, reaching out subconsciously for Draco’s hand, stopping himself a second too late, their fingers brushing so lightly, fleetingly but enough for Harry to feel it. Enough for Draco to gasp and yank his hand away. Enough for the magic to spark and kill all the light in the corridor. The two of them are standing by a wide window, so Harry’s eyes adjust to the new lighting level and find Draco bathed in moonlight before him.
“But I came to see you,” Harry whispers. The words still seem too loud in the sudden night.
“Why?” Draco whispers back, eyes glued to Harry.
“I… forgot,” Harry trails off and Draco scoffs a soft laugh. Why did he come to see Draco?
“Oh, I’m going to testify for you at the trial,” Harry remembers.
“What?” Draco demands, voice still hushed as he takes a step closer to Harry. Close enough that Harry can see the flecks of white in Draco’s iris.
“At your trial, I’m going to testify for you.” Harry didn't think it was a complicated sentence but the conflicting emotions on Draco’s face make him question if he’s not being clear. “Like, on your side. I don't think you should be punished.”
“I tried to kill people,” Draco hisses, studying Harry’s face in a way that makes him feel proud.
“Not really,” he whispers back.
“What do you mean not really? I was there, Potter, I think I know what I was doing.” Draco is more frantic now and Harry wants to calm him, but he also doesn't want to move. Doesn't want Draco to back away again.
“So was I. I watched you all year sixth year. I know what it was really like for you, Draco.” The other man’s face does something odd when Harry uses his first name but he pushes on. “I remember what you did for us when they brought us here. And I discussed it with everyone you hurt and they all agree with me. You suffered enough, Draco.” Harry is horrified to see the glistening of tears in Draco’s eyes and he lurches forward, reaching to soothe him just as the lights reignite.
“Oh there you are, Draco… and Mr Potter.” Mrs Malfoy is standing at the end of the hall, wand raised. In the new lighting Harry’s eyes zone in on Regulus, standing in a landscape on the wall to their left, watching them carefully. Harry blushes and looks back to Mrs Malfoy.
“Mother, Mr Potter has some news for you,” Draco dictates, voice void of emotion. “Goodnight,” he adds before turning and slipping away from Harry. Harry watches him leave for a moment before turning back to greet Mrs Malfoy with the news.