Chapter 12
Remus,
Happy new year 1978.
I am officially back at my parents house after the most perfect lost week and ready to do our final spring at school. Isn’t that so fucking scary. I don't feel ready. I mean I do, but also, it feels like we’re about to freefall, which would be bad enough if we were falling into a safe space. We are falling into war.
I want to fight, I want to do what's right… I just didn't think it would come around so quickly. How has it been two years since you and Sirius had that horrendous first kiss? Where will we be in two years from now? New years day 1981 I’ll be 21, you’ll be 20 and we should have the whole world in front of us but I don't even know if we’ll both still be alive by then. One thing I know in my bones? We’ll both still be arse over tit for the same two people.
On that note, I have something to tell you. Try not to scream ‘I was right’ too loudly but Mary and I were… closer than friends on our trip. Caveat of ‘What happens in the lake district, stays in the lake district’. Let me elaborate, I can feel you cackling through time and space so settle down you old bitch.
We arrived at the cabin on the 26th. It was so cute. I could have imagined us living like that forever, it was perfectly sized for just the two of us, secluded but not isolated. Beautiful views. We went out to the local shops and got groceries, argued over what to cook. It was perfect. I swear Remus I would've thought we were an old married couple or something.
Then we got wine drunk and I could not for the life of me tell you who moved first. One moment we were laughing so hard we had to hold each other up, the next we were kissing. Then I was crying, why did I cry? We, thankfully, did discuss it before we went any further but we agreed to keep it as a holiday fling, no long term repercussions on our relationship friendship. Then we…went further. It was everything, I was glad we didn't have neighbours.
But even, gods Remus, how do I go back to being friends with her after that? Not even the sex but the softness? The casual touches, feeling her soul with mine? Curling up together on the sofa listening to the wireless, dancing in the kitchen, holding hands. How do I ever see fireworks again without being stood on that porch with her watching them as we kissed in the new year?
I love her, I love her with every atom of my soul but sometimes, sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes there are things you can’t have. Sometimes you drive away from that cabin in that beautiful place and you leave part of yourself there, in that kitchen. In that week. Sometimes you walk away when your bones beg you not too. Next week i will walk onto that train and Mary will be there, sat with Marls in our compartment and i will smile and laugh and tell her how wonderful she is, and it will tear me apart a little bit to remember what her lips feel like on mine, to recall how her hand fit so perfectly inside mine. I will not let her see how it breaks me. To love her.
It was worth it though, I know this. I know this more than I know anything. That I would spill every tear a hundred times over for that week, to learn what home feels like. I would go through it all again, lose every breath, for the pleasure of knowing her, the honour of it all.
I will carry her in my heart to death and I like to think, in my deepest delusions, that it meant so much to her. That I will haunt her the way she haunts me.
It will forever be worth it to me. My lost week with Mary Macdonald.
Tell me your new year was good?
Yours,
Lily
November 2nd 1981
My darling,
I wish we had never left that cabin.
I wish I had kept you there forever.
I wish I had held you closer in my arms.
I wish I had not been so angry with you about Harry. About James.
I wish I had the strength I need.
I wish I had been braver.
Yours, eternally.
Mary.
The two letters were in the same envelope, presumably put together by Remus if Harry had to guess. Mary’s last letter on a scrap of paper folded over in half with rain drops smudging the ink. On the back ‘taken from Lily’s headstone’ in Remus’ handwriting.
Here, in these letters proof, that these two humans had loved each other enough to let the other go, even when it killed them. But also, proof that not asking the question is often worse than asking. Harry runs his finger along the edge of the paper as he wipes a tear away absently. New year 1978. Two years after that Lily had been pregnant with him. Just two years later, had she already been married to James? Or did they marry because of Harry? Had she still loved Mary the same way? He feels like the answer must be yes but… he drags a hand across his face and sets the letters down in favour of his tea.
Two years. It sounds like no time at all until he remembers this summer marks two years since Sirius fell through the veil. No time at all and yet, all the time in the world. He thinks of Malfoy again and, subsequently, of Regulus. Of his mothers love. How the world quaked under the force of Lily Evans’ love.
Harry is still puzzling over the timeline of events when he pulls out the next letter and as he reads, he can’t help but wonder if the box is listening to him.
Remus,
I need you to be my best friend for a moment and nothing else. Not James’ friend, not a practical or rational man, not a soldier, just my best friend.
You remember how drunk I got at Sirius’ birthday? Because Mary had told us that she was pregnant and I lost my mind? How James and I… walked home? Well... I'll spare you the details but… I'm in a bit of a situation. I know you’re on a mission right now but I can't tell anyone. I can’t bear telling Mary and Marls wouldn’t keep her mouth shut. I don't want to tell James yet and Sirius would tell him immediately.
I need you. I don't know what to do. I'm scared.
Lily.
There’s a slight wobble to the pen lines that make his heart clench painfully. Lily Evans at 21, pregnant in the middle of a war, calling for her friend. Unsure what to do with the child growing inside her, alone and scared. He thinks of Teddy, waiting at Andy’s house to see if Harry can step up and be his parent. Here Harry is, alone and confused, scared but not… not in a war any longer. Perhaps he should call for his friend. Harry picks up his wand and hesitates before sending his patronus from the room and reaching for the next letter, absently, trusting the box to show him what he needs to see.
Lily,
I’m sorry to hear you’re not very well. You missed a hell of a bookclub. Poor Moony got absolutely bollocked by MadEye, apparently during his last book Moony just got up and left, lost the entire plot of the book, and made it unreadable for anyone else too. Even Dumbledore was pissed but Moony just told them something important came up and refused to elaborate or apologise. Told them some things are more important than the mission book.
It does make me worry because given the look on Padfoot’s face, it wasn't anything to do with him and Prongs seemed lost too but you weren't there. Are you okay? Did something happen?
Dumbledore told me I can no longer read any books due to the baby. I can still provide medical care after books though which is good, only at secure locations or the hospital. What a mess I'm in huh? I know I owe you an explanation for how I ended up like this but… in truth I'm a bit embarrassed. The thing is, I agreed to take part in this clinical study of a new potion at work and it seems to negate my birth control so when I had a stupid fling at my cousins’ wedding I ended up like this.
I was thinking about our cabin this week, I thought I might go up there again before the baby comes. That you might be able to come with me again? Like the last times?
With love,
Yours,
Mary
Mary,
I would do almost anything to be in that cabin with you again. It’s home to me. That cabin. You.
Forgive me?
Yours, forever,
Lily
Forgive me? A question. Had they broken the news to their friends together? Had it been a celebration? Harry remembers how Remus had reacted to finding out Tonks was pregnant, fear and regret. His parents had loved each other a lot, yes, that much is clear. Had they celebrated news of his life? How soon after did they learn of the prophecy about him? Did his mother regret him? No. She died for him, it was unfair of Harry to even suggest it when she had given everything for him. In life and death it would seem. If she had given up on Mary to marry James. How would society have treated his mother if she had remained unmarried at 21 in 1981?
He hears the front door open and shut quietly and he sets the letter down on the table in front of him before rubbing his hands over his face and raising to his feet, spreading his arms open to welcome Hermione’s embrace as she enters the room. The smell of her shampoo floods him and his muscles relax. His mothers words flood him again and he pulls back, taking in Hermione’s worried face, he smiles.
“Thank you for showing me what home feels like” he tells her and her face softens, squeezing him tighter again. Eventually she lets him go and they settle into opposing arm chairs with mugs of tea Kreacher brings them.
“You know, I’m not sure in the eight years we’ve known each other, you have ever actually asked for advice before” she tells him and he grins.
“For the first time in eight years, you’re not on my right hand side already giving it to me” something like guilt flashes across her face and she opens her mouth but he cuts her off “It wasn't a jab, it’s just life. You’re off to conquer the world or become an activist or whatever you choose to do and I’m…” he trails off. There are words bubbling up in his throat, ways to finish that sentence that feel too tenuous to say out loud yet. She sips her tea.
“Is this about Teddy or the job?” she mutters, the tilts her head “Or Malfoy” Harry scowls
“Why does everyone think everything is about Draco?” he grouses and she smirks at him.
“Draco?” the teasing note in her voice just makes the blush harder when it floods his face.
“Teddy” he tells her, eager to move the conversation back on track. “I…I found a letter from my mum to Remus when she found out she was having me. I thought maybe asking your best friend was a good idea”
“Honestly Harry, why are you even debating it?” she asks plainly and he shakes his head
“What do you mean? For the obvious reasons”
“Name one”
“What?”
“Name a reason not to take Teddy and raise him as your own”
“Because this house is a state”
“Buy a new one” she tells him blandly and he blinks.
“I’m sorry?”
“Buy a new one. Or do this one up, pay people to do it. You have the money”
“I mean… I guess but it would take ages”
“So stay with Andy? Rent a cottage by the sea for the autumn while they work on it.” Harry blinks at her for a moment but she just raises a brow.
“I don't have a job” he tries
“You have multiple offers and, again, a fortune to keep you going. You won’t be short of cash Harry”
“I… I’m too young” she sighs and puts the mug down.
“You are listing a lot of reasons and none of them are that you don't want to” she leans back in her chair again, studying him “Do you want to?”
“I’m scared, I was hardly raised, what if I get it wrong”
“Everyone gets it wrong, but you have a village of support, Andromeda isn't going anywhere and you have Molly. But, that isn't what I asked”
“I don’t know, it feels like… it feels a lot harder than saving the wizarding world” he whispers and she laughs.
“That’s fair, how does it make you feel to think about saying no?”
“Bad” he admits “It feels like I'm letting Remus down. Like Sirius would be mad at me too, because he never got the opportunity to raise me and he would have loved to” she smiles
“Hmm, is that why you’re hesitating? Because you don't know if you're going to do it out of obligation or because you want to?” he doesn't reply and she smiles. “I don't really have any advice because a baby is a lot but…if you wanted to…you could. You could do a brilliant job of raising that kid. I think you should take the job too. Take Teddy with you. You can wear him while you teach or something. Hire a nanny even. I bet you’d be allowed to. Teachers must have had kids at Hogwarts at some point.” she frowns and he grins;
“Hogwarts A History has failed you at last” she rolls her eyes and curls up close to herself on the sofa with a yawn.
“I missed you” she tells him as she relaxes in the chair, eyes going heavy as she blinks at him and he smiles softly.
“I missed you too”
“I read that if you’re struggling you just need 8 minutes with a friend to settle yourself” she tells him softly and he smiles, setting his own mug down and standing. He lifts the blanket from the back of his chair and moves to lay it over her and she yawns again,
“Take 8 minutes, Hermione. You deserve them” he presses a kiss to her head before settling back into his chair.
“You deserve Teddy” she mumbles and he looks at her sharply but her eyes are closed “deserve some joy, a family” he doesn’t really have anything to say to that, so he lets her drift to sleep.