Chapter 3
Reg,
Thanks for your letter, I know you’d never say it but I miss you too.
I haven’t heard anything from Evan but Dora wrote last week so I think they’re fine. My father is at peak performance but I still have the salve you brewed for me so the swelling isn’t too bad. I wouldn’t say no to a pain potion if you have one but I don’t think anything’s broken yet so your healing skills might not be needed.
Father said things are getting worse, I won’t deny the enjoyment I get watching dad fume over The Dark Lord’s forces and power. Every night at dinner there’s a new rant about this or that. He mentioned Mr Rosier the other day and I know your cousin is involved but I didn’t think we wanted to fight? I know we’re not supposed to talk about him but I can’t see you fighting your brother either Reg. I guess I’m just confused about the situation. I just know I will follow you, wherever you go.
I hope your mother isn’t too much this summer. Did you get a prefect badge? I can’t imagine any of us getting it, you think it’ll be Dorcas from the girls? Dora said she doesn’t think she wants to be Ravenclaw's prefect but at least you could patrol with her if she is. Better than being stuck with Snape or someone.
Happy birthday by the way. I climbed onto the roof and sang to your star. Hope you heard me.
See you in Hell,
B C J
Barty,
Thank you, I did hear you singing. It was the highlight of my day.
I did receive a prefect badge as expected. Pandora would not like it, no. I have been informed I’m likely to be on patrols with Lupin which is tolerable.
I have attached a pain potion and will check you over once we return, you don’t have the best observation skills for your own injuries. I have heard from Evan, peculiar that he has not written you. Perhaps he thinks you’re upset with him after the argument at the end of term party. From your letter I can only assume we are ignoring my drunken faux pas. This is for the best.
With reference to the side we will choose in this war, I fear it will not be a choice at all. For now we will abstain from any commitments however my birthday dinner was fit to burst with his followers. As you say Bellatrix is smitten, even Narsissa’s new husband is part of the movement. They still masquerade as a political party but they do so with smug smirks and an air of violence. They are sure of impending victory and I wonder how they possibly could be knowing the light side as I do. Headless, mother was clear of the expectation of me, especially following Sirius’ excommunication from the family. I imagine, though I would advise you speaking with him directly, that Evan is in a similar situation. We are working on getting Pandora safe and away from everything but he and I are going down with the ship our parents have loaded us on.
I will request this of you only once. I won’t disrespect you and keep on nor myself and beg. There are rocks tying us down, familial obligations and no escape routes. Not all of us have somewhere safe to run. You, however, are not tied down like we are. You can stay clean of this all. Be neutral in the war. Be Pandora’s chaperone and leave with her.
I know you will want to dismiss me immediately but knowing you are safe would be an immense comfort to us.
Yours until Hell,
R A B
Regulus,
Fuck off.
No familial obligations? No, you’re right. No obligations. I choose you. Every single fucking day I pick you guys. You’re my family and my ties to you won’t drag me down, I’ll go willingly, with a smile the whole way.
Go have a wank or something.
See you in Hell,
B C J
Harry leans back in his chair and stares at the letters for a long moment. The vision of these boys forming in his head is so disjointed from the image he held for so long. Harry hadn’t even known they knew each other and yet, here it is, proof they would have died for each other. Did they? Dragged down into the dark side, surrendering into a fate they couldn’t control with nothing but each other.
The next thing in the box is a postcard. The image in the front isn’t faded and as he picks it up the soft vibration of a preservation charm tingles his fingertips. The picture is of lavender fields with “The Cotswolds” printed over it. Gingerly, Harry flips the card over and reads the cursive on the back.
Lils,
The only thing I can compare the beauty of this place too, is you. Miss you, thinking of you always.
Mary
The card is so simple, a postcard from a summer holiday but there’s something about the card that feels important. Maybe it’s the preservation charm, or the way the ink is smudged in the exact place Harry’s thumb rests, as though someone held it for a very long time. Mary.
The next letter is on his mothers notebook paper again with a thin sheet of printer paper attached to it.
Remus,
Please see attached a copy of the letter Mary sent me this week, courtesy of the new photocopier at my dads office.
What am I supposed to do with this? What does it mean? How can she be so unaware of what she does to me? I mean, really. Nothing but her words? Like they don’t break my entire being into pieces. I love her so truly it feels like I’ll spend my whole life pretending I don’t love her. Praying she’ll love me.
Any help in drafting a casual response like a friend, would be appreciated because all I can think to say is how in love with her I am and I doubt that would end well.
I hope you’re feeling better after last week. Looking forward to seeing you.
Drowning in unrequited love,
Lily
With a soft smile, Harry flips to the printer paper.
Lily,
Did you see the supermoon last night? It was incredible! I could have sworn I heard wolves! I sent you a postcard, the normal way so it might take longer to arrive, good old posties.
This family holiday is driving me mad! My brothers are such idiots, everything stinks. Boys SUCK. I wish you were here, I would be having a much better trip. I think about you all the time though. It’s like I have a mini you in my head.
I was thinking today, my cousin was talking about how annoying she finds her friend because she always talks about things my cousin finds boring and my cousin was like “ I don’t care” and I thought “I would care”. I can’t understand how you can love someone and not want to hear everything they have to say. How you can not get enjoyment from their excitement.
I’ll always care. I always want to hear you talk about your books or your rants about the prefect schedules and how you feel each day.
I’ll always care
I picked you. I learned who you are and I decided you were mine. Even if I’m not yours you’ll always be mine. I picked you as one of my people I will ALWAYS care there’s always a door open for you with me even if you decide you never want it
I don’t have much to give you as a person. I’m not smart or funny or even, really, that kind. All I have to give are my love and my words and they’re yours as long as you want them.
Missing you always,
Mary
Harry places the letters into the lid of the box and rises from his chair. He races up the stairs into Sirius’ room and pulls his photo album from his trunk. There he takes out the crumpled photo Moody gave him of the original Order of The Phoenix. He can easily pick out his parents, Remus, Sirius and Peter. The rest are a blur of faces, although he can see aspects of Neville in his parents' faces. Harry hesitates for another moment before he runs down the stairs, grabbing his coat and calling a quick goodbye to Kreacher before ripping open the front door and leaving the house.
Harry comes to an abrupt halt inside the gates. He had thought coming here would be easier than going to The Burrow, where Fred’s death clings like tar. The sight of the crumbled turrets and burnt grass hits him pretty hard.
After a few deep breaths he sets off towards the front doors. He finds them open and steps hesitantly inside the entrance hall.
“Mr Potter” he turns and finds Nearly Headless Nick floating towards him.
“Hey, Nick. How are you?” The ghost chuckles softly and shrugs, his head wobbling dangerously.
“Oh, I’ve been worse. The castle has been better though” Harry frowns as he looks around them, there’s clearly been work done, the stones much cleaner and debris vanished but there’s a hollow feel to the place.
“Do you know where Professor McGonagall is? I wanted to talk to her.”
“Oh yes, she’s in the headoffice” Harry offers Nick a grim smile and heads up through the castle. The gargoyle outside the headoffice is gone so Harry heads up the spiral staircase and knocks on the door.
“Enter” The thick Scottish accent paints her words with a special type of comfort that reminds him of shortbread. The door creaks as he pushes it open and McGonagall jumps up from behind her desk. “Mr Potter! I wasn’t expecting you”
“No, sorry Professor, I just wanted to have a quick chat” Harry offers with a slight grin as he rushes forward to shake her hand and fold himself into the chair she offers him. Almost immediately there’s a tea try and a tin of shortbread for them.
“Have a biscuit Potter” Harry grins at her and takes one. “How can I help? I was planning to write you an owl this week actually”
“To ask for help rebuilding?” He asks, delaying his topic of conversation for a moment while he drinks the tea. She studies him for a second before rotating her tea cup on its saucer and answering him.
“No, actually. The ministry team came to do some assessments last week and are sending a team of magical builders to begin the restoration work. The plan is for the school to re-open in September.” Harry chokes on his tea at that, it’s June now. Only a few weeks. McGonagall chuckles softly at him. “Yes, quite. I’m in the process of sourcing staff and preparing the new curriculums. That’s what I was going to ask you about.” Harry wrinkles his nose.
“Look, Professor. I know I’m some kind of war hero now and people want my opinion on all sorts of things. You should see some of the letters I get." The word makes his stomach twist as thoughts of Mary and Regulus flood him all over again. “But, uh, my opinion on new curriculum is to ask Hermione.” McGonagall laughs at him now and shakes her head.
“You misunderstand me, Mr Potter. I want to offer you a job.” Harry just blinks at her. “I would prefer you take the defensive position however Madame Hooch is also looking to retire. Normally we would offer an apprentice type position but without a current DADA teacher and your… real world experience. We can look to set you up as a teacher directly with a non subject based mentor to show you the ropes of teaching.”
She smiles balefully at him as he continues to blink at him. She just offered him a job. Harry slumps in his chair and looks away from her and out the window, across the lake. The window is open and the scent from Pandora’s box is drifting in. Hogwarts has always been his home and if he’s honest, joining the aurors has been increasingly less appealing. Especially following Andromeda’s proposal.
“I don’t expect an answer now, Mr Potter but… if you would think on it.” He looks back to her and nods thoughtfully. “Have a biscuit Potter” Harry absently takes another and crunches it. “Why did you come to see me anyway?”
“Oh. Um, I’m not sure it’s a pleasant topic but I wanted to know if you could point out someone for me.” He puts his tea down and shifts to pull the photo from his pocket and smooths it out on the desk between them. McGonagall’s face tightens as she studies the photo.
“Of course, I believe you knew most of these people though.”
“Yes, I’m wondering about Mary?” McGonagall’s smile turns sad.
“Ah Miss Macdonald, may I ask why you’re enquiring about her? Did you find something about her and Sirius?” Harry jerks his head up to meet her gaze with a frown.
“No, were they close?” McGonagall’s head tilts as she studies him for a second before nodding.
“You inherited Remus’ things?” Harry nods and McGonagall sighs deeply. “I know how deeply this war has affected us all and the losses were great but I cannot begin to explain how awful the first war was. Your parents' school year only one single Gryffindor student survived to this day. Only two Hufflepuffs and one Ravenclaw student. Not a single Slytherin student survived. It was akin to a culling. An entire generation lost. To watch children I knew, loved and respected be cut down one by one. It was harrowing.”
Harry watches her with the echoes of Regulus' letter in his head - I fear it will not be a choice at all. McGonagall shifts and pulls the photo closer to her for a second before tapping to indicate a young woman. She reminds Harry of Hermione, the same skin tone and wild curls. She looks curvier and shorter than Hermione though. Harry should have guessed who she was because as he watches the photo, his mother’s gaze drifts from the camera to Mary who meets her gaze for a heartbeat, With promises to consider her offer Harry leaves Hogwarts.
When he gets home he sticks the photo by the bed in Sirius’ room.
Harry - forgive us? It never felt the right time to tell you.
Harry peels the yellow sticky note from the short stack of letters with a heavy breath.
Moony,
I’m at the Potter’s. I did it, ran away. Well, crawled I guess. Kinda hurts to write at the moment but I needed to let you know.
I was hoping you might be able to get up here? Effie can come pick you up or something or the Floo? I know it’s a lot to ask and I feel like a dick but I’m not in the best shape right now and I could really do with having you right now.
Anyway. Happy Christmas
Padfoot
Sirius,
Hope your new year is going well.
I had a good time seeing you and James last week.
Perhaps you drank too much at the New Year’s party. No big deal, we can forget anything ever happened.
See you soon,
Remus
Remus.
I wasn’t drunk. I knew what I was doing. If this is your way of rejecting me kindly, then alright. But if you’re giving me an out, I refuse. I don’t want it. I won't take it back.
I will take the feeling of your mouth on mine into the next life with me. Your soul feels like it fits perfectly with mine. Hand in hand, heart to heart. I would cut off a limb to hold you like that again. If you don’t want me we can move on but I’m out of that house now, I’m taking what I want, and I want is you.
Yours in this life and the next
Sirius
Harry exhales around a lump in his throat. His head slams back onto the chair as his memories rework themselves in his head. Sirius and Lupin reuniting in the shack, holding each other so tightly. Lupin answering the Floo when Harry called for Sirius, Lupin looking to Sirius before speaking.
“Kreacher?”
“Yes Master Harry”
“ Do you remember Lupin?” Kreacher sneers
“Yes Master, Kreacher remembers the werewolf.” An improvement on the other things he might have called Lupin.
“Did he live here with Sirius?” Kreature nods, ears flapping about wildly. “Did he…. What room did he sleep in?”
“With Master Sirius.” There's a heavy silence as Harry processes this before Kreacher speaks again. “Is Master wanting some lunch?” Harry agrees and Kreacher vanishes while Harry ruminates on his memories of Remus and Sirius.
Tears fill his eyes as he remembers the broken way Lupin whispered “He’s gone.” as he held Harry tightly after Sirius fell. As Remus held Harry while he screamed for Sirius. Harry had thought Remus was holding him back from running after Sirius, now…well now Harry thinks Remus must have been holding himself upright against his own grief. Harry lets the guilt bleed out with his tears as he cries for Remus all over again.
Lily,
I think I’ve lost my mind. Do you happen to know the symptoms of a stroke?
Sirius ran away from home. About time frankly. Only it wasn’t exactly a smooth transition and he ended up showing up to James’ battered and bloody. The idiot wrote me a letter asking me to visit because he “needed me” and I was ready to off myself then and there. Needed me, honestly I thought he was torturing me for fun.
Anyway I get there and bloody fuck Lil, he was in a shit state. Anyway, come to the Potter’s New Year’s Eve party and we’re all drinking a bit. Sirius backs me into a corner behind these curtains and PINS ME TO THE WALL! Are you still with me? He pinned me to a fucking wall! With this hungry look in his eyes and I thought for a second he was mad at me. He was not. Lily, he kissed me so hard I thought I’d die. Not to mention his raging hard on I could feel THROUGH MY JEANS. Not that I was any better. We got interrupted by James, the idiot. Honestly I’ve never been closer to killing him. Including that time he set my books on fire by mistake.
Anyway I left the next morning like a bat outta Hell and wrote him a letter basically agreeing to forget anything happened. Did he agree? No. No, he did not. I bloody attached a copy (thank you Aberaeron Library) because what the fuck? How do I even respond to that? I think my heart stopped when I read it.
Yours, but not really because apparently I’m Sirius’,
Remus
Remus,
Screaming, crying, throwing up. I’m literally green with envy. I’m so happy for you. I’ve put your letter in my shoe box and intend to read it aloud at your wedding ‘the beginning of an epic love story’
I expect all the gory details please! Also I literally have no idea, I assume you already replied but maybe something casual like ‘Yes, fuck yes, I’ve been yours for years! I literally think of you non stop and dream of you when I touch myself. Want to take over that role for me?’ Keep it cool you know? Alternatively go back to James’ and just snog Sirius till your brain stops working.
I’d do the latter.
Yours, but actually Mary’s even if she doesn’t know it,
Lily
If he had to bet, Harry would guess his mother never thought they would end like a Greek tragedy when she called them an epic love story.
S(on) O(of a) B(itch),
Happy new year fuck face.
I want to tell you I’m happy for you but that would be a big fat lie. No, I am happy. Happy i won’t have to watch you moon over Remus anymore, do you have to change his nickname now? I’m happy you’re finally out of that damn house too! Congratulations on your freedom.
While you’re there, any chance you can talk me up to Effie? The woman is everything, don't tell James. Actually don't tell Dorcas either. Not that I’m having much luck with her as it stands but now that operation Moony is done you can focus your efforts getting me laid for once.
Listen, off topic and fully confidential but any chance you know anything about Lily’s situation with James? Are they serious, shut up, or just joking around with that flirting. I may, or may not, know someone who’s into her but everytime i ask her she just laughs and changes the subject, driving me mad.
Don’t die,
Marlene McKinnon (superior beater)
Harry puts the letter down and scans the photograph again. He remembers Marlene McKinnon because Moody said she’d been killed just two weeks after the picture was taken. She‘s grinning wildly at the camera, arm slung over the shoulder of another young woman with dreads. The other woman is staring at Marlene with pure adoration in her eyes.
The McKinnon’s were all murdered, wiped out. Harry remembers Dorcas Meadows too. She was killed by Voldermort personally. As he runs his finger over the picture it occurs to him that Marlene and Dorcas were probably together but if Marlene was killed just two weeks after this… was that what made Dorcas such a threat to Voldemort? The vengeful drive of Meadows to avenge her love? He can certainly imagine how lethal Hermione would be in that situation.
Harry frowns and reaches back through the letter’s he’s already read. There, in Barty Crouch’s letter ‘ You think it’ll be Dorcas from the girls?’ Dorcas was a Slytherin then, and by the sounds of it friends with both Regulus and Barty. But Sirius was helping Marlene pursue her? Is that why Dorcas joined the order? Harry couldn’t imagine a single Slytherin from his year joining. But… how would they have? If Dorcas followed Marlene to join, how would someone without that connection have joined.
Unbidden, Harry flashes back to that night on the astronomy tower., “No, you can’t. Nobody can.” that's what Malfoy had said. Not “I don't want you to help me.” not “I want to do this.” or “I choose this.” but you can’t help me.
With a heavy breath and a shake of his head, Harry picks up the next letter.
Lily Evans, Love of my life,
Happy new year baby!
Hope you had a brill christmas! Listen, Sirius has been digging in at me about the nature of our relationship. Which is weird because I don't know why he would care, especially now he and Moony are shacking up (Thank Merlin). I think someone (Marls) is asking him to find out.
I didn't want to say anything without checking first. I didn't think you’d want me to dig into it given the whole point of Operation Joseph (Please explain this code name to me again) is to make Mary jealous enough to do something. But, if you want me too, can I dig in?
Look at this Christmas card from Sirius’ family. It’s ridiculous, like what are they trying to do? Prove they don't need him? Why do they think anyone cares? But…. please tell me you can see how hot Regulus is?? When Sirius wears those robes I laugh at him, but Regulus? Merlin help me that boy is fine! Tell me I can't go there. Tell me to stay away from my best friend’s brother.
No seriously, tell me.
Yours,
James
Harry’s hands are shaking again. His dad was Bi? Or something anyway. What is this? His mother and father were pretending to flirt? We’re close enough friends to write, clearly confidential letters to one another? Regulus? A slytherin? His best friend's brother?
His mind shows him pictures of Ginny and Harry has to concede he might be a lot more like his dad than people think. Eager for more answers, Harry picks up the next one. His mothers notebook again.
Jamie,
Happy new year Love.
Fucking hell, Marls will be the death of us all. No, it’s alright. I’m at the point of giving up on Mary to be honest, I couldn't be clearer without actually saying something and the risk of losing her the way I have her is too much. I just wish my heart didn’t ache everytime i look at her.
Ah yes, the wolfstar convergence. A date for the history books. I know I'm not the only one sick with envy.
I cannot explain the birth of Christ to you again James, I’m at my last nerve. Just remember there's a famous muggle story about a woman called Mary and her husband Joseph.
RE Regulus, Jesus wept! James, if you don’t, I might! When did that happen? He looks so delicate? Those cheekbones? Also I bet he’s really fucking mean and bitchy so I know you’ll be into it you sick fuck. I expect all the gory details, not least of which because if you go near him you cannot tell anyone else. I don't just mean because Sirius would kill you either. Think what his parents would do if they found out their remaining heir was fucking about with a Potter after losing Sirius? Proceed with caution Jamie, but also, do it. Who knows how many more days we have left to be stupid kids?
Sending you luck!
Lily
Harry puts the letter down and stands, not really thinking as he moves through the house into Regulus’ room. He stands there for a long moment before he starts looking. Time passes in a blur until he finds himself sat on the floor of the bedroom with a Potions Today dated February 1977, there in the centerfold of the magazine Harry finds a photograph. It shows his dad around 16. James isn't looking at the camera though, he’s grinning at a boy. He’s pale, with black hair the same shade as Sirius’ but in a much more reserved haircut. The boy is glaring at the camera with eyes Harry recognises, grey. Just like Malfoy. As he watches James lunches forward and smacks a kiss to his cheek. The boy, Regulus, Harry assumes, cracks and a soft smile cuts his harsh features. He looks from the camera to James with such fondness and love, it makes Harry’s breath catch. The image replays over and over while Harry watches, spellbound.
From what he knows of Regulus, he died stealing the horcrux within two years of this photo. Harry himself was born only three years later. How did James go from this to a married father? How did Lily go from in love with Mary to married to James? Why didn’t Regulus follow Dorcas and join the order with James?
There will undoubtedly be questions that will never be answered and gaps in these tales no one can fill for you. Remus hadn’t been wrong. Eventually Harry stands and makes his way back downstairs. There he writes a letter, head swimming with haunted grey eyes.
Mrs Malfoy,
I would like to invite you to tea. There are some things I wish to discuss with you.
Kindly,
Harry J Potter.
Kreacher takes the letter with an over excited air that solidifies the connection between the Malfoys and Regulus to Harry all over again.