sirius black loved the rain. when they were younger, he and regulus would sneak out to the garden, wrap a singular blanket around them and sit in the rain. they would let the rain cover them. regulus would shiver, insisting on staying out as long as sirius did. refusing to let sirius be alone.
their parents had pitted them against each other in everything, these secret moments was the only chance they had to be brothers. to be like they were when they were younger. naive. happy.
now, though, it was different. sirius was sat in the middle of the forbidden forest listening to the heavy onslaught of rain, protected by the security of the trees, waiting for remus to become remus again. for remus to become his again.
remus would never be his.
james and peter had already left, deciding that sirius would be able to handle this part of the transformation. having too many people around makes remus feel embarrassed, weak, so they changed who should stay there monthly. it was sirius’ turn this month. still. sirius cursed them out in his mind, hating them for leaving him at this moment. the moment where remus was the most weak, the most hurt.
hating them because they knew what this would do to sirius. that it would break him. that it would rip him apart into pieces, until there was nothing left except the thought that he would do anything to take the pain away from remus. anything. they didn’t know. no one knew. exactly what sirius felt for remus.
sirius didn’t know. not really. sirius had never felt an emotion like this. this overbearing kind of love, the kind of love that makes him forget his own name, his own existence. he had never felt a love so foreign. his parents had never loved him. not like a parent should love their child. not like fleamont and effie loved james and sirius.
sirius learnt the true meaning of love when he come to hogwarts. when he met peter and james and remus. marlene, mary, lily, dorcas, dora, evan and barty. the only person sirius had loved since a child was regulus. they had a few years where they barely acknowledged each others existence but now, now regulus was one of sirius’ closest friends. sirius grimaced at how lame that sounded.
which is why he didn’t know why he was feeling like this. why his heart sped up everytime remus looked his way, smiled at him, even made insulting comments at sirius expense.
a groan ripped him out of his thoughts, remus rising from his position crumpled up on the floor like a piece of paper. sirius rushed over to him, his hand hovering over remus body. he didn’t want to touch him, the overwhelming stench of blood forcing him to cover his mouth and stop the gags.
sirius had never liked blood. it always took him back to those days. the days where regulus would beg kreacher to clean sirius up, beg him to do anything but let him slowly die. he remembered that night. the night regulus flooed them to the potters home, blood soaking their carpet. sirius never did see that carpet again.
he did see their pitying glances. he did see the rage behind james eyes. a rage sirius didn’t see often. he did see them taking him and regulus in without a second thought. he did see the love that parents can offer. without expecting anything in return.
he swallowed harshly, forcing himself to come back to reality. remus needed him. remus needed him. “ are you ok, moony?” he dropped to his knees, brushing his hands through remus’ hair. he always needed some sort of physical touch to ground him back to reality. this was the most sirius could offer. well the most remus would allow him to offer.
he breathed heavily, lying on the cold ground of the forest. sirius draped a blanket over him, knowing he hated how open he was after a transformation.
“ i’m fine.” he snapped, pushing sirius away from him. sirius ignored the pang of hurt in his heart. “ where’s james or- or- pete.”
“ it’s my turn this month.” sirius replied softly, crossing his arms and sitting beside remus.
remus scoffed. “ of course it is. that’s just great.”
sirius didn’t know what he did to make remus hate him these past few months. he really didnt. it was like one day remus just woke up and decided to hate sirius black. everyone else just expected sirius to know what was going on, to understand why his best friend completely and utterly despised him.
once, marlene listened to sirius rant and scoffed. right to his face. “ you really are an idiot, aren’t you, black? how can one person be so blind.” she walked away without explaining herself.
“ i’m still here, moony. i’m always here.” he held his hand out. what was stopping him? from grabbing remus’ face, pulling him towards him and begging him to look at him. just look him in the eyes, just this once.
remus shook his head, sitting up. the blanket dropped, covering his legs and leaving his chest bare. sirius stared for a few seconds before clearing his throat harshly. wow.
“ don’t say things like that, pads. please don’t.” remus’ voice sounded choked, like he was struggling to get his words out.
sirius opened his mouth to question him, to beg him to say his name, before his eyes caught on something. he leaned forward, his hand hovering over the bloody patch of skin. “ moony- you’re hurt.”
remus pushed his hand away, looking down at his chest. “ it’s fine. i’m fine.”
“ no it’s not. why won’t you let me help you?” sirius stared at him, forcing him to keep eye contact.
remus opened and closed his mouth, like he head something to say. he shook his head, tightening his eyes together. “ i don’t need your help.”
“ i want to help you.”
“ why?”
sirius stopped. “ why?”
remus looked at him. really looked at him. for the first time in so long. and, oh. sirius remembered what it was like to be looked at by remus. like you're the only person to exist in that moment of time. like you’re everything.
sirius quickly averted his gaze, his hands tightening at his side. “ yes, why? why do you want to help me, sirius?”
and there it was. his name. god, his name had never sounded so beautiful, so gentle as it did in that moment. he had a way of doing that. making all of sirius’ faults and imperfections seem like a gift.
“ i- you’re my friend, moons. friends help friends.” sirius took in a sharp breath.
that’s all you can get from me, remus, he thought. i can’t give you anymore. please don’t ask me for anymore. if you ask me for the stars, i’ll give you the moon and the sun too. please.
“ that’s all?”
oh. was he …… was this happening? now. please. please let it be now.
“ remus i- i really think you should let me take a look at that.” he motioned towards his chest. “ it looks bad.”
remus stared at him for a few seconds, his eyes covering the inches on sirius face, mapping it out and preserving it in his mind.
he shrugged, motioning for sirius to have his way. sirius inched forward, putting him arm on remus’ shoulder to steady him. he flinched, shying away from his cold touch.
“ sorry.” they both whispered into the endless darkness of the forest.
“ it’s fine. my hands - they’re cold.” sirius’ hands were always cold. too cold. no amount of rubbing them together gave it even a fraction of warmth. no amount of visits to madam pomfrey after he spent hours shaking under the endless covers of his bed helped.
“ they’re warm. to me.” remus whispered, his hand clasped together.
sirius hands were hovering over the scar, his gaze concentrated. remus half believed he didn’t hear what he said. but he stiffened. only slightly. but enough.
“ it’s bad. i’ll heal it here, it’ll get worse on the way back.” sirius positioned himself in between remus’ open legs. they both ignored how close they were. well, they tried too.
“ how? we don’t have our wands.”
sirius laughed, shaking his head playfully. “ wands? i’m not an amateur, lupin, please.” he held his hand over the scar, staring at it with furrowed eyebrows. remus could just about hear his whispers under his breath, and that was with the good hearing. perks of being a monster.
remus looked down, watching sirius work his magic. wow. how did sirius not see how remus looked at him. how remus adored him. was he truly that blind?
they were both too lost in their thoughts to notice sirius slowly inch further and further up to see the damage from closer up, eventually ending up straddling remus. remus swallowed harshly, but he didn’t mention it. as long as sirius touched him, any part of him, he’d keep quiet.
for the rest of his life if he could.
“ so….. how did you figure out how to heal with wandless magic?” he would do anything, say anything, to keep him distracted. to keep him close.
sirius stiffened slightly. “ when you grew up the way we did…. you learn to heal yourself with limited resources.”
remus stiffened at that. at the thought of anyone ever harming sirius, his sirius.
no. he’s not yours. he’s not.
he could be.
sirius listened to his silence with a racing heart, still cleaning the blood up, almost on autopilot. “ i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to bring the mood down.”
remus laughed harshly. “ you’re not bringing the mood down. i just transformed into a wolf, i’ll say it’s fits the situation perfectly fine.”
sirius didn’t laugh.
“ listen. i’m sorry, you know that. your parents were shit. proper dickheads.”
sirius finally laughed, looking up to remus. they were close. too close. “ i love it when you swear, moony. it’s
so….. so different. so perfect.”
remus just looked at him, a soft smile on his face. they were close. close enough for sirius to reach out. close enough to brush his fingers over his cheeks.
remus fluttered his eyes closed, involuntarily moving his face closer. “ sirius - please don’t.”
this was it. everything sirius had said. all the resolutions he'd made about ignoring his feelings were gone. he needed this. god. he would die if he didn’t get this. if he didn’t get him.
he pressed his forehead against remus. “ i don’t- please, remus. please.”
he shook his head. he couldn’t do this. he couldn’t. it would make this too complicated. all of these feelings remus had for years, they needed to be kept in. locked away. he couldn’t bare his soul so openly to sirius. not about this.
“ i can’t. we shouldn’t. i can’t.” one more please. if one more please came out of sirius mouth, in that desperate tone. that would be it. remus would be gone. he would be the one begging. he wasn’t far from it.
sirius stiffened, immediately pulling away from him. he still stayed straddled on his lap. “ i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have done that. it was ……. you don’t want- i get it.”
he moved to stand up. remus wrapped an arm around his wait pulling him back down. he cupped a hand around his cheek. “ you think - you seriously think i don’t want you.”
sirius blushed, the red tint magnificent on his face. “ do you?” his voice came out quiet. more quieter than anyone had ever heard sirius black. apart from the nights he sobbed into james arms, silencing spells set up throughout the entire dorm.
remus didn’t think there was a world where sirius black could ever doubt his love for him. was it not written all over his face. was remus lupins love for sirius black not written amongst the stars. was it not a given. there was a full moon every month and remus lupin was utterly and irrevocably in love with sirius black.
“ oh, sirius. of course, i’ve always wanted this. wanted you. but you don’t. and that’s ok.”
it was the truth. sirius was sirius. the once heir to the noble house of black. a pureblood wizard with a small fortune waiting for him the second he came of age. remus was …… well, he was remus. he was a half-blood werewolf. the exact sort of people sirius was warned to stay away from.
how could force like sirius black like, even tolerate, remus lupin.
sirius stroked his chin gently, a small smile on his face. “ moony. look at you. really, look at you. you’re…..
perfection. art. and you doubt my love for you.” he laughed, shaking his head.
“love.” he repeated, a questioning, desperate tone in his voice.
“ yeah, love. fuck it, i’m all in now. i’m all in for you. moons.” his lips hovered over remus’ lips. “please.” it sounded like it from came deep in his throat. like he was begging. he wasn’t above it.
remus didn’t respond. he just pressed his lips gently to sirius’. it was barely a kiss. more a soft touch. yet their hearts began racing and their fingers became clammy. sirius wrapped his arms around his neck, entangling his hands between his curls.
remus cupped his jaw in between his hands, pressing his lips more harshly against sirius. fuck it. this was all he wanted. who cared about consequences who cares that he had just transformed from a wolf. who cares about anything but this feeling in his stomach. this euphoric feeling he would chase after for the rest of his life.
sirius slipped his tongue into his mouth and remus groaned, a sound sirius would die to hear again. kill to hear again.
remus pulled back and the whine that left sirius’ mouth almost made him crumble right there and then. he pressed a gentle kiss to his neck, chasing it down to his collarbone. sirius arched his neck, his gasps
escaping his mouth and forever released and hidden into the forest.
remus pulled back, his head drooping slightly. “ what- what is it? did i do something wrong?” sirius questioned, looking over remus.
“ no, it’s just, well, i don’t really have pants on.” he blushed, grabbing the back of his neck.
he shrugged. “ i don’t mind.” before pressing his lips to remus’ neck. he almost let him have his way then, right there in the forbidden forest.
he laughed. “ pads, id rather not fuck you in the forbidden forest after a full moon. i have some class.”
sirius smirked, pulling himself off remus. he grabbed his clothes from the side and threw it at him.
remus looked at him pointedly. “ we just made out and you still want me to turn around.”
“ please.”
sirius turned around, throwing his head up as he looked at the trees. how was the world still spinning, people still existing and birds still chirping when sirius entire world had just changed.
he turned around when remus stopped beside him,
still looking down at him with a smile. “ how’s your scar?”
remus startled, forgetting he was ever hurt. sirius had a way of making him forget anything bad had happened to him. had a way of making him forget exactly who he was. “ it’s fine. thank you, by the way.”
“ of course.” they began to make their way to the whomping willow that would lead them back to the shrieking shack, remus to wait and sirius to sneak down the tunnel back to hogwarts. “ what does this mean, now? for us.”
remus smirked at him, pushing him slightly. “ well, you did just confess your undying love to me, black.”
“well, it was a long time coming.”
remus paused. “ i feel the same, too. you know. love and all that.”
sirius made a face at him. “ thanks, i guess. can we, keep this between us for now?”
“ i mean, we could, but everyone knows.”
sirius panicked, looking at him. he’d hidden it fairly well, hadn’t he? “they do?”
“ sirius, i didn’t exactly keep it hidden. everyone knows what i felt for you.”
“ they did?”
remus stopped in his tracks. at the edge of the forest. “ sirius….. you knew.”
“ i what!”
remus stared at him for a few seconds. “ the christmas party? i told you i liked you.”
sirius furrowed his eyebrows, thinking back to the party. it was all a bit of a blur, if he was being honest. “ no, surely not. i would have remembered. trust me, that’s not something i’d forget about.”
“ i thought, i don’t know, i thought you were ignoring it, thinking it could all go as normal if you pretended i never said it. that’s why i’ve been a bit pissed with you.” remus admitted, shifting from foot to foot.
“ yeah, i knew that much. i must have been too drunk, i don’t remember much from the party.”
remus smirked. “ well, now you know.”
they continued walking. sirius enclasped their hands together. remus held their hands up questioningly. “ what? boyfriends can hold hands, you know.”
“ we’re boyfriends now?”
“uh well i just professed my love to you and then snogged you in the forbidden forrest, i sure as hell fucking hope we are!” sirius exclaimed.
remus nodded slowly. “ok, boyfriends.”
“ok.” sirius repeated.
“ this is really gay of us, black.”
“ really fucking gay.”
they laughed at each other, the sound echoing throughout the trees. the forest bottled the laughter and the pure happiness up, so even years from now, when they were old and away, the young love of sirius black and remus lupin would remain infinite.