Remus had done this as long as he could remember. He’d never stopped, just took breaks here and there, but sooner or later he ended up here again. On the floor, blood flowing from his thighs, a blade in hand, and bandages off to the side. He’d never liked using magic to heal it, he had to see it, had to feel the irritation of it.
Only now, it would be a bit harder to hide without magic. He and Srius had started dating months ago and Remus had yet to do this until now.
There wasn’t even a real reason for it at this point. It had just been a long day, the urges had been coming back stronger day after day, his nails suddenly not being enough anymore. Not to mention Sirius had been throwing him those worried looks more and more, he thought he was hiding it well but since Sirius caught his hand as his nails went to sink into his arm he had been pressing him on the topic.
He’d managed to mostly evade the topic at this point, just saying he was stressed out or tired to get by.
Sirius hadn’t really believed him, if the worried eyes and gentle touches meant anything.
It wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary, Sirius liked to touch him and Remus wasn’t opposed to it in the slightest but he had been a tad clingier than usual. Remus hadn’t minded really, he liked when Sirus held him, or brushed his face lightly with the back of his hand. It always made Remus feel precious, like something to be cherished. It was one of the few things that made the thoughts go quiet for a bit.
“Rem, you in there?” He heard the familiar voice through the door.
“Just a minute” He called back, tugging his pants over his legs and pocketing the razor. He made sure to hide the bandages and wrappers quickly before opening the door, smiling at Sirius on the other side.
Sirius didn’t return the grin.
“Everything okay, Moons?”
“Just perfect, Pads.” Remus laughed.
He stepped around the shorted boy and made his way into their shared dorn, Sirius following him with his eyes as he moved around the dorm, picking up some discarded sweaters and putting them in the laundry bin.
“Moony”
“Padfoot”
“Could you come here…please?”
Remus’ head shot up, Sirius’ voice was so…soft, like he was afraid of scaring Remus with his words. It was a tone he’d only heard Sirius use when the situation was so dire he didn’t know what else to do besides try to make it better for the time being, it was something he had done for him before after a bad full but never when they were just talking in their dorm.
That was ultimately what made Remus return to Sirius’ side, that and the general intoxicating aura his lover gave off.
“What’s wrong?” Remus reached to cradle Sirius’ cheek in his hand.
His thumb tracing gently over his cheekbones as his brow creased with worry at the sheer amount of tension Sirius seemed to give off.
“You tell me, Rem.”
Remus’ brow furrowed further.
“Nothing’s wrong with me, love”
Sirius raised a brow at the taller boy.
“That right?”
Remus let out a strained chuckle, he wouldn't worry Sirius with this. His partner already had more than enough on his plate and more than anyone ever needed to worry about. He refused to add on to that pile.
“It’s right. No need to worry about me, though I am flattered such a dashing bloke like yourself would think to be concerned over a lowly peasant such as myself.”
Sirius’ lip curved at the corner.
“Lowly peasant isn’t quite word I’d use for you, Moony.”
“No?” Remus teased, waiting for the remark he’d receive.
But Sirius just watched him closely for a second before leaning up on his toes and pressing a soft kiss to his lips.
“No.”
Then he was leaning away, stepping back, and laying on his bed, reaching a hand out for Remus to join him.
Remus stood for another moment, entirely too confused to get himself to move so quickly.
Then he was letting Sirius guide him down onto the plush mattress and allowing his head to rest on Sirius’ chest, the other man's hand reaching up to card through Remus’ hair.
“You should rest, Moony.” Sirius whispered into the quiet of the dorm room.
“I’m alright, Pads.” Remus replied just as softly.
Sirius didn’t respond, just hummed as he let his finger work gently against his scalp, his other moving slowly up and down his arm that rested across his waist.
Remus wasn’t actually sure when his eyes shut and stayed closed, he had been sure nothing could get him to sleep recently, short of a bludger to the head he supposed. But then again, was there ever something Sirius Black hadn’t been able to do if he wanted it bad enough?
Remus didn’t think so.
He was still wrapped in Srius’ arms when he started to claw his way back to consciousness. He could hear the murmur of voices above his head but his mind was still dazed in a syrupy bliss as he felt Sirius still working his fingers through his hair, it seemed more like a mindless motion now but it was there nonetheless.
As he slowly roused himself he began to make out the words.
“...James, he’s not well.”
“I figured.”
“But I don’t bloody well know what’s going.”
“I figured that too.”
“Do you have anything constructive to add then you tosser?” Sirius bit out sharply.
Remus shifted slightly and Sirius paused, soothing his hair and pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head, seemingly making sure Remus had settled before he continued in a softer voice.
“Sorry, I’m just… I’m worried, Prongs.”
“No you’re right, it wasn’t the most helpful. I am too, I just, how are we supposed to help if we don’t know what’s going on?”
“Why I’m asking here, James.”
“Well…let’s think about it for a bit, we’ll talk later today if nothing changes and come up with something… and maybe…yes, I’ll…”
His words began to fade as Remus fell back into the sleepy abyss he’d found in Sirius’ arms.
When he woke up again, he was alone.
He sat up quickly, his eyes searching around wildly. He knew logically that Sirius was probably in the dorm, or maybe in the dining hall, but a larger much less sane part of him was sure he knew, he knew and he’d gotten tired of all of Remus’s problems and finally decided it was time to take his leave.
He threw the blankets from his body and jumped up, only to stop sharply as he felt the familiar bolt of pain shoot through his leg.
However, he was no stranger to this burning pain, so he pushed on, a slightly ajar stride as he left the safety of the closed curtains and began to head towards the dorm door, hopefully to find Sirius and beg him to listen for a minute.
It wasn’t necessary though.
“Moony?”
Remus spun around, finding a rather bewildered looking Sirius, watching him from the door of the bathroom.
His brow furrowed when he saw the panicked look in Remus’ eyes though and he began moving towards him, his gaze filled with worry.
“Moony, did something happen? Did you have a nightmare?”
Remus shook his head, his mouth seeming unwilling to form words. Sirius came to a stop in front of him, his hands going to rest on Remus’ cheeks. Yet another way Sirius seemed to always know what to do to keep him grounded.
“What happened, love?”
The usually loud boy was being so quiet, so gentle, it almost made Remus want to cry.
He took a breath.
“Nothing, Pads… Just freaked out a tad. Didn’t mean to worry ya.”
“I always worry, Moon, that’s what happens when you love someone.”
Remus smiled but shook his head.
“I know, love, but there’s no reason to right now. Everything’s fine, we’re all fine. Okay?”
Sirius didn’t seem convinced, instead he just watched Remus closely, his thumbs smoothing over Remus’ cheeks absentmindedly. His eyes were penetrating, digging into every layer of his being. He felt like he was being examined under a microscope, like he was a project ready for dissection.
“Pads?”
“What's been going on, Moony?”
“Nothin-”
“It’s not nothing, Remus.”
His tone was shorter that time, his words clipped as his hands fell from Remus’ face. But Remus didn’t have it in him to shoot back any kind of clever remark, instead he just sighed defeatedly, raising a hand to rub at his eyes before he returned his gaze to the stern look of Sirius. Even now he really was breathtaking.
“What do you think has been going on? You seem to have some idea clanging around up there anyhow.”
“I don’t know,” his voice was frustrated now, desperation pulling at his eyes and it made REmus’ heart fall. “I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t understand what’s been happening with you, but I’m worried, Rem. I’m so bloody worried about you and I can’t tell if it’s something I did or something that you just can’t talk about or what.”
Remus’ breath caught.
“It’s not you, love. Oh Merlin no, it’s never you with this kind of thing Pads, you’re the only thing good, the only thing that helps.”
Sirius smiled softly but his eyes were still so lost.
“Then what, Rem? Cause I’m wracking my brain here trying to figure out what’s been on with you and I can’t find anything. You’ve been off for weeks now, weeks Remus and I’m no closer to figuring it out than I was before.”
Remus debated with himself, this wasn’t something he could really speak about, nothing he could tell Sirius without worrying him even further.
Remus wasn’t…suicidal, at least he didn’t think. And what if Sirius took it like that. He’d surely send himself into a spiral of anxiety and Remus refused to do that to him if he could help it.
So he settled on,
“Not really anything, Pads. Don’t look at me like that, I mean it. I’m just…I’m so tired.”
That wasn’t exactly a lie, he always felt exhausted nowadays, exhausted having to get up, exhausted trudging through the day, exhausted at every turn in the routine, every book he needed to read, everytime he left the bed. Just…Everything.
Sirius nodded slightly bu his eyes were swimming with emotion, his brow furrowed in concentration before he was reaching out and letting his hand circle Remus’ wrists, Rmus let himself be pulled into his lover’s chest.
Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist while reaching one of his hands to guide Remus’ head into his neck, then his hands were smoothing down the taller boys back and Remus couldn’t handle it.
The tears started slowly and then as the damn slowly broke the feelings were flooding out of him. The sadness of the last few weeks and the guilt of having to hide it from his loved ones, the general miserable feeling he had had for too long now.
“Oh, love.” Sirius murmured softly, his voice heartbroken.
His arms wrapped tighter sound the taller boy, his voice cooing softly, trying his best to comfort Remus.
“It’s alright, darling, you’ve had rough go of it lately haven’t you?”
He didn’t know the half of it and it only made him sob harder. His whole body was shaking now, tremors going through him and he was sure he’d have fallen already if it wasn’t for Sirius supporting him.
He didn’t even realize Sirius had bern moving them until his legs hit the bed and he was being lowered gently onto the mattress, Remus didn’t move from the spot Srius had placed him, his breaths still heaving out of him, the tears still rolling steadily as Sirius’ hand found a spot in his hair, rubbing soothingly through the strands while murmuring softly to him.
When his breaths started to level, the tears started to dry, he picked his head up, looking at Sirius.
“A little better?”
Remus nodded, his thighs stinging more at their position.
“Good, I’m gonna get you something to eat, you missed dinner.”
Sirius stood, then leaned down and pressed a kiss to his head.
“Be right back.”
Then he was walking away and Remus didn’t know what to do anymore. Didn’t know how to continue like this. He couldn’t stop, not when he needed a scratch of his nails just to sit through a class in a way that kept him on solid ground.
He knew Sirius noticed when he got more tense, knew James saw the way his shoulders stiffened. He was more than certain that they hadn’t clocked his nail digging sharply into his arms or palms, he had a feeling they both would have put an end to that if they had known.
Sirius was back a minute later, a tray in hand that Remus barely wanted to see, much less eat. But when he saw the line between Sirius’ brow he knew he would eat until it disappeared. He had clearly stressed him out, worried him to no end. He’d try to rectify that in the coming days, he had nothing to worry about, Remus was in control. He never went too far. Never would, no matter how much he thought about it.
Sirius set the tray in front of him and Remus barely even noticed when James slipped into the dorm and began speaking softly to Sirius as Remus picked up some of the fruit he’d been given, figuring he’d start simple.
He tried not to pay attention to their conversation, his hearing was better than theirs for a lot of reasons and they both knew that, they knew he could hear them if he wanted to, but Remus didn’t want to. He just wanted to choke down the food his partner had brought him and fall asleep wrapped in his arms, no matter how restless the sleep was sure to be.
He felt the soft touch of Sirius’ hand rest on his thigh as he choked down the food given to him, the soft patterns he was drawing to be a kind of comfort he thought. It did help, he was able to get it down a little easier and when he’d cleared the tray James gave him an encouraging pat on the back.
“Sleep?”
Sirius questioned.
Remus nodded and then he was setting the tray on the side table and moved up the bed, laying back against the pillows, his legs stinging as the movement pulled against the cuts. He hid the grimace he felt bubbling up.
“Love ya, Moony.” James spoke quietly.
Remus looked up, meeting his earnest gaze and nodded.
“Love you too, Prongs.”
James smiled and went to his own side of the room, leaving Sirius to climb in with Remus.
“Want to get in my bed that bad, Padfoot?”
“Never wanted something more in my life, Moons.”
“Really? Not even that prank in fourth year that you wanted to do on the whole Slytherin table?”
“It’s a close second I’ll admit.”
Remus smiled as Sirius pulled him up to settle in his arms.
They were drifting in and out when Sirius moved again, his hand coming up to brush at Remus’ cheek.
“You don’t seem like you’re comfy, Rem.”
“Hmm?”
“These are your school clothes, can’t be good to sleep in, Rem.”
“It’s okay.”
“Just take off the pants, love, you can keep the shirt if you like but I know you already don’t sleep well. Scratchy pants surely won’t help.”
It was understandable, logical. It wasn’t something Sirius wouldn’t ask any other day, but today was different and Sirius didn’t know why but it was different and Remus wouldn’t.
“Trying to get my trousers off?”
“Always. But for different reasons now.”
“I’m alright, Pads.”
“Maybe just some shorts?”
He couldn’t risk it.
“Drop it, please.”
Sirius was quiet after that, only hugging Remus tighter to him in response before he spoke quietly.
“Alright, darling.”
Remus curled his hands tighter into Sirius’ shirt, pressing himself closer.
“Will you ever be able to tell me what’s going on?”
Remus took a breath.
“Maybe.”
~~~
It was another two weeks before anything changed for Remus. He’d been careful, hiding it strategically, only doing it when both James and Sirius were out of the dorm, keeping it confined to the top of his thighs.
He’d been so careful. So cautious after that night. He’d been doing so well covering it up, smiling to hide the ache, and now? Now it was ruined.
It was ruined when Sirius came back from practice early and he didn’t hear the door open, it was ruined when he’d been so focused on the next slice that he didn’t realize Sirius was talking to hm through the curtain on his bed, telling him something, and when he didn’t answer he pulled open the curtain.
Remsu had blood staining his thighs, staining his hands, staining the muggle blade he was using, he had been halfway through the next cut when he felt the eyes on him and his head shot up.
It was truly ruined when he saw the horror and pain on Sirius’ face.
“Sirius…I didn’t, you were at practice and I didn’t think you’d…”
Remus trailed off as Sirius simply stared at him, at his hands, at his leg that was ripped to shreds.
Remus set the razor down slowly, putting it in the box he had spelled shut, only him being able to open it.
He wouldn’t meet Remus’ gaze and it was setting him on edge, he felt his eyes fill with water and he set the box behind him. He didn’t look at the still form of Sirius as he moved the bandages out of his way, normally he would be worried about an infection, tonight, he didn’t care.
He went to pull his pajama pants up, hoping maybe if he covered it then they could just forget it was there.
Unfortunately that’s when Sirius decided to start moving.
He latched his hand to Remus’ wrist, pausing his movements, Remus dared a glance up, dared to meet the man's eyes.
“Sirius?” He questioned softly.
This was why he didn’t want anyone to know, he didn’t want to see the disgust, the confusion, he didn’t want to see someone he loved look so sad and it be his fault.
He was going to leave.
Remus knew as much, had replayed it over and over when he took a blade to his skin, he felt the rejection like a slap even though he’d never experienced it from Sirius.
He was sure of it now though, no way he wouldn’t after this. After he saw the blood, after he saw the marks and the scars laid over scars. Would he yell? Remus didn’t mind if he did, he deserved it, expected it almost.
What he didn’t expect was for Sirius to guide his hands gently away from the waistband of his pants, all while watching Remus intently.
He still didn’t speak and moved his eyes down to the cuts marring Remus’ thigh.
He brushed his fingers underneath the most recent cuts, going over the closed ones from two days ago, he knew that Sirius could see the cuts layered beneath his skin, white lines on pink, healed on fresh. Sirius had been hurt time and time again, had scar after scar, he knew it wasn’t easy to scar one area so heavily, knew this had to be something that’d been going on even longer than he’d guessed off a first glance.
The blood was still pooling, still forming on his skin.
Sirius reached behind him, his silence becoming just on the side of frightening.
He grabbed the bandages and disinfectant Remus had put away.
Sirius must have known it’d do him no good to heal it with magic, he needed to see it, see what he’d done to himself, he’d relapse quicker if he couldn’t watch it heal, he’d found that out the hard way.
Sirius looked up at him, a question in his eyes as he held the small towel and disinfectant.
Remus nodded mutely, allowing Sirius to do what was needed, he didn’t flinch as the disinfectant touched his skin, having done it so many times over it barely felt like a sting at this point. Sirius continued on, bandaging the skin on each thigh before setting the supplies down and breathing heavily.
“Rem”
Remus cringed at the rough sound of his voice. It sounded hoarse with emotion, like he was stopping himself from bursting into sobs and oh how Remus hated that he did that to him.
“Rem, sweetheart, look at me please”
It was the least he could, might as well look him in the eyes as he tore into him. It was nicer than he deserved after all of this.
He met the man's eyes, almost shooting his eyes down again as he caught the pain so evident there even if the rest of his face was carefully closed off. Remus always said that if you wanted to know how Sirius was feeling then you just had to look at his eyes, he couldn’t lie with them, not like he could with his face or bravado.
“Is this what’s been going on?”
He questioned softly.
Remus nodded.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
And, Merlin he sounded hurt he sounded like it pained him that REmus hadn’t wanted to tell him this, couldn’t he see he was protecting him? Sirius didn’t need this in his life, Sirius didn’t need him in his life.
“Because… I didn’t want to put this on you. It’s not something to concern you with. I’m fine.”
Sirius’ face shifted them, something like frustration in gaze as he took a deep breath a shoved a hand through his hair.
“Don’t you think I should be the one deciding that? When have I ever once told you I wouldn’t help you? Remus you’ve done more for me than anyone ever has, I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving anything. I want to help, I want you to be happy, I want… Godric, I want so badly for you to be able to talk to me about things like this, let me help you, Rem. Let us work through it together, cause we both know it’s so much harder alone.”
“Sirius, you already do so much for me an-”
“Nope, I won’t hear it. That’s what you do when you love someone Remus, you aren’t just there for the godo times but also for the ones that hurt, you’re there for every second. And when you reach the parts that hurt you work through it, you get each other past it. What did you do when my parents kicked me out?”
Remus shrugged.
“You were at James’ every single day, you barely left to change your clothes, you helped me eat, helped me get myself ready when I couldn’t do it myself. You pulled me out of that dark space in my mind where nothing seemed worth it. You know why?”
Remus just watched him silently, Sirius reached forward gripping his hands.
“Because you love me, it wasn’t even a question for you. It isn’t for me either, I’m doing this, I’m going to help. We are going to fight this, Rem. You don’t need to hide anymore, okay? I’m here.”
And that’s when Remus broke, tears spilling down his cheeks in rapid succession, hiccuping sobs ripping through his body.
Sirius didn’t hesitate, he just leaned forward and scooped Remus into his lap, being careful of his bandaged legs he maneuvered the taller boy until they were both sat against the headboard, Remus resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder as Sirius spoke softly to him.
“I’m here, Moony, I’m here, it’s over. We’re alright, everything’s alright. I’ve got you, I’m sorry it took me so long. I love you, I love you so much, Moons”
It took entirely to long in Remus’ opinion to get himself under control, Sirius didn’t falter once, just holding him gently to his body, soothing him as best as he could.
When he finally did calm enough Sirius brought his head away from his shoulder.
Cupping his face softly in his hands and smoothing the remaining tears from his cheeks, he smiled softly.
“So pretty, Moons.”
Remus rolled his eyes fondly, a small smile pulling at his lips.
“I love you, we’ll figure this out, okay?”
Remus nodded.
“I love you, Sirius, I’m sorry.”
Sirius pressed a kiss to his forehead.
“No need, darling. We don’t apologize for being in pain.”