Awful Things

That stupid owl kept knocking on the window, ever since Barty got home from his meeting with Lupin. He knew, how the other felt, and if he wanted, to he could guess the contents of those letters.

The room, dimly lit by the soft glow of the moonlight filtering through the curtains, felt suffocating. The events of the day had left him emotionally drained, and he longed for the solace of sleep, where the troubles of the waking world might temporarily fade away

As Barty lay in bed, the persistent tapping and hooting of the bird outside the window continued to intrude upon his thoughts. Its presence was a stark reminder of the world beyond his room, a world that he had tried to distance himself from for so long.

Despite his best efforts to ignore the owl, its insistence grew more pronounced with each passing moment. Its message, whatever it may be, seemed determined to reach him.

With a resigned sigh, Barty finally threw off the covers and approached the window. He carefully opened it, allowing the bird to flutter inside, clutching a letter tightly in its beak. As he took the envelope from the owl, it pecked his hand, its expression seemed to read "You've kept me out there for so long, you deserve it!" when Barty winced. He shooed the bird out the window and ripped the envelope open.

He would want you to forgive yourself.

is the only sentence in Remus Lupin's letter. The simplicity of it belied the complexity of the emotions it stirred within him.

Barty had carried the weight of his choices and their consequences for so long that the idea of forgiveness felt foreign, even impossible. He had made a huge mistake and led Evan down a dark path, and now, the burden of his actions weighed heavily on his soul. How could he ever forgive himself for the pain and loss he had caused?

Yet, Remus' words carried a powerful message. They hinted at a perspective he had long neglected - that maybe, just maybe, there was a path to redemption, a way to come to terms with his past. It was a daunting prospect, one that would require confronting his deepest regrets and finding a way to heal the wounds he had inflicted on himself.

As he stared at the letter, he knew that forgiveness was not a destination, but a journey, one that he had to embark on if he ever hoped to find peace and redemption. The path ahead was uncertain and fraught with challenges, but he couldn't ignore the flicker of hope that Remus' words had ignited within him.

He knew Evan would want him to forgive himself.

As Barty lay under the covers, he couldn't help but recall the moments they had shared. The soft touch of Evan's slender fingers tracing patterns on his skin, the warmth of his embrace that felt like a safe haven, and the gentle whispers of affection that had filled their quiet nights together. It was as if those memories were etched into the very fabric of the sheets, a tactile reminder of the love they had shared.

The room around him seemed colder than ever, and Barty shivered as he pulled the covers tighter around his frail form. He longed for the comforting presence of Evan, the way their bodies would fit together so perfectly, like two puzzle pieces finding their match.

But now, all he had were memories and the faint scent of Evan's citrus-scented shampoo that clung to the bedsheets...

Returning to the hallowed halls of Hogwarts always filled Barty's heart with a unique blend of hope and calmness. It was a sanctuary away from the haunting shadow of his father's presence, making it the best place in the entire world. But there was another reason that made it even more special - Evan.

Since their awkward encounter in their dorm bathroom, an unspoken tension had woven itself between the two boys, like an invisible thread drawing them closer yet keeping them apart. Their conversations danced around the edges of the unspeakable, each hesitant to breach the subject that hung heavy in the air. It created a tingling sensation that electrified the atmosphere whenever they were in proximity, a silent understanding that words could not capture.

A week went by, and the term had fully begun, with teachers giving out more homework than ever, in preparation for the O.W.L.s. The weather turned colder, the mornings crisper, and the birdsong quieter. As Barty and Evan both spent their evenings in the library, studying, they didn't have much time to hang out with their other friends, so their number had decreased from five to two.

Although he would've never said it, Barty didn't mind spending time with Evan alone. Their conversations grew more and more intimate, and sometimes he felt they crossed some sort of line between friendship and something unknown.

They were standing in the Astronomy tower now, stargazing. This was Evan's favourite activity, and Barty didn't mind coming up here as long as it was just the two of them. He lit a cigarette, a bad habit he'd grown quite fond of, and stepped closer to the other boy, who stood close to the railing on the edge of the tower.

'You keep dancing so close to the edge, and you'll meet your death here...' Barty said, tutting, and inhaling the smoke. Evan looked at him, smirking, taking the cigarette out of his mouth, holding it between his thumb and index finger, looking at it as if it was something unknown.

'You keep smoking, and you'll die even sooner than me...' he smiled softly, taking a deep breath, and then inhaling the cigarette as well. 

Barty's breath hitched, eyes fixated on the plump, rosy lips of the other boy, subconsciously stepping closer to Evan. 'I don't know whether I should believe that this is your first cigarette... you seem... experienced.' he whispered, taking his cigarette back.

'No, I don't smoke. Never have. It just looks good when you do it.' Evan also stepped closer, seeming to like being this close to Barty, who was now mindlessly staring at him.

At that moment, time seemed to slow down, and wrap around them. Evan's lips, soft and inviting, took Barty's mind off of his numerous worries, and slowly opened, then closed again, a tantalizing dance that left Barty spellbound. The fair-haired boy peered at him with curious intensity as if trying to decipher Barty's innermost thoughts.

He was thinking about nothing. Mind blank, just Evan. Evan's lips. Evan's touch. He wanted to feel it, experience it, and he wanted it to last forever.

An irresistible urge surged through him, unstoppable. Barty leaned in, capturing Evan's lips in a kiss. It was an electric jolt, sweet and warm, akin to the first sip of butterbeer on a chilly winter evening. As their lips met, Evan's citrus-scented shampoo enveloped Barty's senses, a fragrant memory, he wanted to hold onto forever.

It didn't last long, good things never do. As their lips separated, Barty couldn't help but be proud of himself, for making the other boy look properly snogged. Evan's hair looked like it'd been ruffled by the wind, his lips even plumper and rosier than ever.

Most of all, he looked surprised, and that's when the realisation dawned on Barty. He just snogged his best friend!

Evan didn't utter a word; he simply stood there, a vision of bewilderment, his lips slightly parted. Barty's heart raced, an adrenaline-fueled drumbeat in his chest, as he hastily exited the Astronomy tower. He needed to put as much distance between himself and that place as possible. The weight of what had just transpired bore down on him, and he knew he had to confide in someone but he was uncertain who.

Regulus Black has emerald-green pyjamas. He owns about five pairs of them and has been wearing them ever since they knew each other. Barty assumed, his parents got them for him every year. He hesitated at the door to his dorm room, reluctant to let Barty inside.

'What on earth can be important enough for you to bother me at three in the morning...' Regulus questioned his tone a mix of annoyance and curiosity.

Barty's voice trembled as he finally spoke the words he'd held back for so long. 'Please... I... I kissed Evan, Regulus!' It felt like a confession that had been trapped inside him, struggling to escape. Now that it was out in the open, it carried both relief and fear, like a fragile secret exposed to the world…

As Barty thought back to that very night in their fifth year, his heart ached with longing, but somehow he also felt content. They didn't talk about that night in the Astronomy tower for the remainder of their fifth year, but something changed between them.

He loved to think back on the budding of their relationship, when everything was sweet and delicate, and the war hadn't started and they could just live their lives as simple teenagers, who loved each other. He could almost taste the innocence of those stolen moments, like the first bite of a crisp, juicy apple on a warm summer's day.

Now, the dimly lit room held him in its cold, dark embrace. The walls seemed to whisper secrets of their own, their ancient stones bearing witness to countless stories. The air hung heavy with the scent of cigarette smoke and leather-bound books, a comforting aroma, that enveloped him like a warm, worn blanket.

Remus' letter, its edges softened by countless readings, fell to the floor, but its words echoed in Barty's mind. Would Evan really want him to forgive himself? The silence of the room seemed to amplify the weight of that question, each passing second stretching it into an agonizing eternity.

Barty's heart ached with a mixture of longing and sorrow as he dwelled on Evan's gentle soul. In his mind, Evan remained a beacon of kindness and warmth, a stark contrast to the darkness that had consumed their world. He should have been shielded from the relentless horrors that had plagued their lives.

The memories of Evan's soft laughter, the way his eyes sparkled with affection, and the soothing cadence of his voice were etched into Barty's heart. It was as if Evan's essence still lingered in the room, a comforting presence that reached out to him even in his darkest moments.

With a heavy sigh, Barty realised that Evan's love and compassion were unwavering, even in the face of their shared struggles. Evan would undoubtedly want him to find forgiveness and peace within himself, just as he had always offered understanding and support.

As Barty contemplated this, the room seemed to embrace him with a renewed sense of comfort, as if Evan's spirit whispered through the very walls, urging him to seek the redemption he so desperately needed. At that moment, he made a silent promise to honour Evan's memory by embarking on the challenging journey toward self-forgiveness.

The memories of their love and Evan's unwavering kindness would serve as his guiding stars, leading him through the darkness of his past toward a brighter, more hopeful future.

A few weeks had passed, and the Christmas season was approaching. The castle grew warmer, and homelier with each day, and the teachers seemed to ease up on the students, giving them smaller piles of homework than before. But no matter how nice it would've been, these changes weren't the only ones going down in the Hogwarts castle.

The weight of that night in the Astronomy tower hung heavily between Barty and Evan, like an unspoken truth that cast a shadow over their friendship. The once-easy camaraderie they had shared had turned strained, their gazes now avoiding each other. Even in moments of humour or when their friends said something foolish, their glances failed to meet.

Barty couldn't help but feel the distance growing between them, a chasm of unspoken words and emotions that seemed impossible to bridge. He longed for the companionship they had once enjoyed, but now it felt like a distant memory, slipping further away with each passing day.

The silence between them spoke volumes, and Barty couldn't ignore the ache in his heart, the sense of loss that accompanied the change in their relationship. He wondered if they could ever find a way back to the simplicity of their friendship, or if that night had irreversibly altered the course of their lives.

As the weeks passed, Barty grappled with the uncertainty of their future, haunted by the knowledge that he had risked one of the most precious relationships in his life for a fleeting moment of desire.

It didn't help, that Regulus was the only one of their friends who knew about what had happened, and he wasn't very helpful, as he seemed preoccupied with his own family troubles. Regulus' family, the Noble House of Black, were known for their pure-blood fanaticism and strict adherence to tradition. It appeared that this summer had only intensified the issues within their household, with Regulus' older brother, Sirius, growing increasingly more rebellious. 

Sirius had entered his sixth year at Hogwarts, his long and curly hair a visual symbol of his defiance. He was shedding the expected "Black family manners" with each passing day, much to the frustration of Regulus, who openly expressed his disdain for his brother's actions, but Barty knew, the reason for his outbursts was simply that he wanted to keep his brother safe, as their parents were known for not shying away from physical punishments.

As their friendship circle grappled with their own individual challenges, Barty couldn't help but feel isolated by the weight of his secret and the growing distance between him and Evan, his heart aching with longing every time he caught sight of the other boy across the Great Hall, eating by his sister's side.

In the aftermath of their encounter in the Astronomy tower, Evan had become inseparable from Pandora. She seemed to shadow his every move, her watchful eyes always on him, and Barty knew she was fully aware of what had transpired between the two boys.

This realisation left Barty feeling betrayed. He understood, that Evan had certain boundaries and might not have wanted to discuss their encounter, but involving Pandora as some sort of bodyguard, as if he needed protection hurt like a punch in the gut. Did he fear Barty now?

He grappled with multiple questions, each one adding another layer of complexity to the already tangled web of emotions swirling within him.

Why did he kiss Evan? Was it merely a spur-of-the-moment impulse, fueled by desire and curiosity? Or did it hold a deeper, more meaningful significance, a reflection of feelings he had yet to fully acknowledge?

As he sifted through his memories of that fateful night in the Astronomy tower, Barty couldn't deny the intensity of the moment, the electric spark that had ignited between them. There was a raw, unspoken connection that had drawn him to Evan, a magnetic pull that defied logic and reason.

But did he like boys now? The question lingered in the recesses of his mind, its implications both daunting and exhilarating. Barty had never dared to entertain the possibility that he might be attracted to boys, yet, the undeniable pull he felt towards Evan forced him to confront these newfound feelings, to grapple with the uncertainty of his own identity.

And what about Evan? Did he even like boys? Barty pondered this question, searching for clues in their interactions and the subtle nuances of their friendship. Evan had never talked about this before, but the way he responded to Barty's kiss spoke volumes. There was a flicker of something in his eyes, a hint of longing that mirrored Barty's own.

Or maybe Barty had misinterpreted their connection, read too much into a fleeting moment of passion? Or was there something more, something deep and profound, waiting to be explored?

Amid the chaos, Barty couldn't help but wonder if things could ever return to the way they once were, if he and Evan could find their way back to each other in this sea of secrets and regrets that now defined their relationship…

As Barty's mind drifted back from the memories of his beloved, a bittersweet ache settled in his heart. He couldn't help but dwell on the moments when he had tried desperately to mend their fractured friendship, to bridge the chasm that had grown between them, he remembered the feeling of fear and uncertainty that had gripped him as he watched their friendship slip through his fingers like grains of sand slipping away. Little did he know it would turn into something terrible...

And now, here he was, alone in a room that had once been witness to sweet whispers and warm embraces, grappling with the weight of his regrets and longing for a love he once held so dearly. He yearned for his lover to come back from the grave, to fill the empty spaces with his presence once more.

But even as he longed for the impossible, Barty knew that some things were beyond his control. He couldn't bring back the past, no matter how desperately he wished for it, all he could do was hold onto the memories they had shared, cherishing them like precious treasures in the depths of his heart.

He could feel something stir within him, a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness that had consumed his soul.

Lupin's words echoed in his mind, their simple yet profound message resonating with a clarity that he hadn't felt in years.

He would want you to forgive yourself.

The words were like a lifeline, offering him a way out of the suffocating grip of self-blame and regret.

For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was hope for him yet.