Black hair, grey eyes and a smile so mischievous, so unique, so contagious that the World should have trembled under everyone’s feet, not just Remus Lupin’s.
That was the first time they met, at a college lecture, waiting for the professor who didn’t bother to show up on time. But Remus didn’t mind, because that’s how he started his journey which ended in a friendgroup so wonderful, so loving and caring, he could only daydream about before. A year later James, Peter and Sirius were his everything.
He convinced himself back then that it was just a silly crush. Nothing serious.
But that was a lie, wasn’t it? Because he always seek Sirius’ company more than the others’. Always wanted to see that smile, feel his presence, because the pure existence of Sirius made his days better. Happier. Beautiful, even.
He noticed the little things. Like how warm those cold coloured eyes could be. The sparkle that appeared in them every time the person who they belonged to made someone laugh.
Sirius loved it when people laughed. Never was afraid of making a fool out of himself. To tell the truth, he couldn’t really do that, because everyone believed that Sirius is the most natural and free person in this world. Maybe after James Potter.
Or maybe it was just pretty privilege.
Most of the time it wasn’t true, though. The people who were closest to Sirius could see the pain behind the performance. Because Sirius had a rough childhood and never really learned how to cope with that.
Sirius loved his friends, and this love was stronger than the hate he felt for his mother.
For months, Remus believed he was over that crush on Sirius. They were best friends, and that was more than enough for him. Or at least he believed so. Until that night.
It was the beginning of summer. They’ve completed all they exams and celebrated the end of an extremely exhausting term with getting wasted as hell. Like every college student would do.
Remus enjoyed himself. He relaxed into the loving atmosphere and carefree mood, letting go of all of his worries.
But then Sirius had to ruin everything. Because late at night, when the thoughts don’t make any sense and casual chatting becomes as much of a background noise as the music playing coming from a phone that desperately needs to be charged. They were making silly jokes, laughing at the least funny things in the world.
Remus and Sirius were sitting next to each other on an old sofa. They were both high as a kite, sitting close to each other like personal space was a nonexistent concept.
And every time Sirius, that bastard, that beautiful, kind and passionate idiot laughed at something, he leaned on Remus for support.
That was the moment it clicked. It wasn’t a crush anymore. Oh, no, it was much worse than that. Horrible, frightening, crazy, completely idiotic. The most beautiful and most excruciating feeling in the world – it was love.
But the most horrible thing in this cursed situation was simple. Sirius had never showed any sing that he would ever return these feeling.
The thing about unrequited love, it never stops, because the human brain is the most useless thing in the world. And it will keep believing that there is hope.
You have to prove it wrong. But how can you make sure?
You have to try whether you two work out or not. That’s the only solution. The problem is, this choice isn’t yours to make. And the other person, who doesn’t feel the same, wouldn’t start this experiment. And you can’t ask them to, because that’s just too much to put on someone.
Remus was in pain and life went downhill from there with the speed of a rocket ship.
Every hour spent together felt like hell. Remus’ heart stopped about a thousand times every hour. Someone was grabbing the inside of his chest with an iron grip, like they wanted to do the most harm possible. Breathing became hard as the weight of not being wanted pushed down on him.
After every single day they’ve spent together, Remus laid awake in his bed at night, feeling a huge lump in his throat. He only had one thought, appearing in his mind over and over again.
“Why am I not enough?”
Why can Sirius love him as a friend, but nothing more? He was attracted to guys – which, in this case, made everything worse. Because he would have been able to love him back the way Remus wanted him to.
What’s wrong? What is it in him that makes him a good friend, but not a good partner? Is he that unattractive? Is he too stupid? Too anxious? Too serious sometimes? Not visible enough, not interesting enough, not lovable enough?
And Remus couldn’t even talk to Sirius about this. They were friends, they were part of something greater than themselves, and Remus just couldn’t ruin that. If he confesses and everything becomes weird, their friendgroup could crash on them. And no one one would be able to forgive Remus and Remus would completely understand them.
So he simply stayed silent. And it wasn’t working either. Because being with Sirius was slowly sucking the life out of him, even though he was his favourite person in the whole world. It made him question if life had any meaning at all, pushed him under the water, made him choke on the sorrow.
Never meeting him again would make life easier, even if it sounded like ripping his heart right out of his own chest. But the problem is, this wasn’t possible. Because how could he leave all his friends behind?
James, who was so loud, burning with the light of a thousand suns, giving light to everyone even if it meant burning himself to death.
Peter, who loved quietly but with all of his heart, always being the sober one, always being observant.
Lily with the sparkle in her green eyes and all the kindness in the world, always knowing the answer to everything, always trying to solve everyone’s problems.
Marlene, the chaos themselve, always coming up with the most unique solutions that somehow, God knows how, always worked. Never afraid of being different and loving the strange looks.
Mary, with all the majesty you can ever imagine, being so stubborn that she would fight the Devil himself if that could help her friends in any way.
How could Remus leave that all behind? The family he always wanted, the love and support he had always craved.
How can one silly emotion ruin your whole life? Causing so much pain that you would rather die than feeling it for one more second.
There is no solution for that. You can wait for a miracle and watch yourself die inside a little every single day. Listen to the thunder of your heart breaking in half after every conversation, every laugh, every smile. Trying not to have eye contact but craving it pathetically. Existing in a trap, being the fly in the glue, trying to get away and slowly fading away in agony, waiting.
Because there is always a maybe. There is always some silly little hope. Because miracles do happen, right?
Not in cases like this. Faith just laughs at you cruelly, while life goes on for everyone else. Moving forward, taking the wonderful boy with itself.
The boy with dark hair, grey eyes and a smile so mischievous, so unique, so contagious that the World should tremble under everyone’s feet.