saviour complex

His conversation with Lily had done nothing to quell his worries. Even tonight it was clear how weak she'd gotten.
Remus stared at his cup and tried not to think about how one of his best friends was fading, Or about how he was desperately in love with another. Or about how that same friend he was desperately in love with was just making out with Hilda Blungon.

Remus had no such luck.

"Moooony," Sirius grinned stumbling over drunkenly.

He seemed to have left the girl he had been kissing in the corner,
Hilda was off now, talking with a gaggle of her friends. The girls shared glances at Sirius between giggles.

"What Sirius?" Remus said coldly standing up straight.

Sirius frowned at his tone momentarily.
"I hateeee your costume." He huffed impetuantly.

Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius's slurred speech. It was clear he had drunk too much.
"Yeah, why's that?" He said back still annoyed.

Even though he knew he didn't have a right to be.
They were 17 and drunk at a party, it was normal for Sirius to make out with a pretty girl.

But that didn't stop Remus from shooting a glare over at the group of gossiping girls who stood smiling at Sirius.

"Becauseeeee," Sirius leaned in towards Remus. Making his breath hitch in his throat.
Sirius raised a sloppy hand to pull off Remus's mask.
Remus let him.

", It hides your handsome face." Sirius's lips were an inch away from his and it took everything in Remus to not grab him and pull those lips closer.

"Shut up," Remus said embarrassed pulling away from Sirius. What was he playing at teasing him like this?

Sirius scowled at the distance between them.

"Where did you go Moony? You left the party I missed you."
He said staring sadly at Remus.

Remus threw back his drink without batting an eye and looked back, pointedly at Sirius.

"Sure didn't look that way when I came in."

Sirius turned pink and smiled wryly.
"Oh, you saw that?"

"It was hard not to. You two didn't exactly go somewhere private." Remus said harshly facing away from Sirius while he poured himself another generously full cup of whiskey.

Sirius shrugged smiling.
"Just a bit of fun Moons." He laughed.

He stunk of drink.

Something about it made him so angry. How could Sirius just go around making out with girls like it was nothing while Remus wanted nothing more than to be in their shoes?

"Right. So do you like her then?" Remus asked bitterly.

"Who?"

"Oh, Merlin I don't know Padfoot, the girl whose tongue was down your throat 5 minutes ago." Remus spat turning around to stare at him.

Sirius shook his head looking hurt.
"No, I-I don't, " Sirius chewed on the bottom of his lip. His eyes fell to the floor not meeting Remus's glare.
"They are just girls, it's all silly. I don't like them, not the way I like you."

Remus felt the blush creep up his neck.
Sirius was drunk he didn't know what he was saying.

", or James or any of my friends." Sirius looked up embarrassed, but he quickly played it off by shrugging. "It's just meaningless they are birds. They are fun to kiss but that's it."

Of course, Remus thought.
Of course that was it. That's all anything ever was to Sirius "fun".
Remus was a fool to believe even for a second that there was a chance that Sirius felt the same way about him.

"I'm gonna go. I need a cigarette." Remus said finishing his drink.

Sirius looked confused. "Moony I thought you just went for a cig-"

Remus had already started to walk away pushing through the crowds to get to the door out of the common room.
He'd seen Lily and James scurrying off to the dorms a minute ago meaning he'd have to go outside to smoke.

He heaved open the door to the hall and paused for a moment to retrieve the pack of cigs from his pocket.
He had 9 left. Not bad but he'd have to pace himself.

The painting outside the common room pushed open and Sirius stumbled through.

"Merlin Padfoot I said I'm going for a smoke."
Remus snapped, he was at his last straw now.

"I wanted to come." Sirius pouted leaning onto the portrait of the fat lady for support.

"Watch it, young man." The portrait warned.

"Watch what you eat!" Sirius said back giggling.

"Well, I never!" The portrait exclaimed.

"Well, you never went on a diet either," Sirius said laughing.

Remus pushed his thumb and index finger into his temple sighing.

"Please excuse him M'am he's drunk," Remus explained trying to reason with the painting.

He then turned to Sirius and grabbed him by the arm. ", Come on so." He said sharply.

The painting huffed and turned away from the two boys.

Remus started to pull Sirius down the stairs and Sirius let him, but not before turning around to stick his tongue out at the Fat Lady.

"I knew you wanted me to come." Sirius smiled drunkenly as Remus dragged him down the final flight of stairs.

"I didn't actually, I just couldn't leave you to run about drunkenly insulting every portrait," Remus said flatly.

Sirius shook his head solemnly.
"Noooo Moony you WANTED me to come." He insisted, stumbling over the final step.

Remus caught him before he fell.
Hooking an arm around his waist and pulling Sirius's arm over his shoulder.

Sirius simply giggled and went along walking with Remus down the hall this way. Sirius kept sporadically laughing like a madman.

"Would you shut up it's after hours," Remus said exasperated. He reached into his jacket pocket to pull out the map.

There were no prefects out patrolling. Remus knew that Caradoc was on duty tonight but he was likely as drunk as everyone else up at the party.
Even Filch was in bed by now.

They continued down the hall towards a passage that would lead them out into the gardens while all the doors were locked.

"You're so smart figuring this all out," Sirius said still swaying unsteadily under Remus's hold.

"Mhmm," Remus said trying not to pay much mind to what Sirius was saying in his current state.

Though Remus had to admit having a 6th cup of Firewhiskey wasn't the best idea. He'd forgotten that even if it took a lot of alcohol he still wasn't immune to getting drunk.

They reached the passage that was marked on the map. Remus had found it in his second year on a trip back from the hospital wing.

"Revelio," Remus muttered pointing his wand at the inconspicuous stone wall.
The stone bricks slid aside and made an opening to the garden. The cold October air hit them the minute it opened.

"Oooohhh." Sirius cooed in amazement as if he'd never seen the passage before.

Remus pulled him through the wall after him. A second before the bricks started to slot back into their original pattern.

Remus started to walk to his smoking tree by the side of the castle.
He was tired of babysitting Sirius and left him to stumble behind him.

Despite his lack of coordination, he was surprisingly fast.
He caught up by the time Remus had reached the tree and started to sit down.

Sirius stood over him, his flawless porcelain skin reflecting the light of an almost full moon. His raven curls, windswept and shiny. His cheeks were as red and flushed as his pouted lips, from running.
He beamed at Remus, with a smile that crinkled his grey-blue eyes.

"Moony," He said
"Can I sit with you?"

Remus sighed opening his carton of cigarettes.
"I suppose there's no hope of you running around like Padfoot and tiring yourself out."

Sirius shook his head and laughed like he did when they were 11.

He plopped himself down, sitting dangerously close to Remus.

Remus lit up his cigarette trying not to notice the burning feeling that fled his body at the proximity to Sirius Black.

"Can'ive one?" He slurred. Widening his eyes like a dog begging for dinner scraps.

Remus sighed through his cigarette and handed the pack over to Sirius's eager hands.

"You and Evans need to stop bumming smokes." He said with the faintest smile as he watched Sirius eagerly light up.

"What!?" Sirius's mouth fell open and the cigarette tumbled onto the damp grass beside him. Remus couldn't help but laugh
Sirius picked it up and relit it still looking puzzled.
"Evans smokes?" Sirius asked shocked.

Remus shrugged.
"Occasionally I think, don't tell Prongs though."

Sirius mimed zipping his mouth shut. Remus smiled, he couldn't help it.

"You never smile anymore." Sirius sighed as he leaned back against the tree, suddenly sombre.

"I do smile," Remus said a little hurt by the observation.

Sirius hummed.
"Yeah but not enough, I really really like it when you smile." He was still stumbling over his words a little. Still, he turned to Remus to punctuate his sentence.

Remus looked at him, studying his face for any signs of insincerity. He found none.

Sirius dropped his train of thought and jumped on a new one. Still staring intently up at Remus a look of sadness took over his face.

"Are you mad at me Moony?" His speech was clearer and more poignant.

Remus looked at him sadly, Sirius' eyes carried a look of desperation and had sallow bags beneath them from sleepless nights. Remus often heard him up when he himself couldn't sleep before a full moon. For Sirius, those sleepless nights seemed to last the whole month. Remus could've sworn he'd even heard Sirius crying in his sleep before. He never brought it up to him of course, but it had crossed his mind to check on him when they were both up. He could never quite muster up the nerve though. Not when he felt this way about him.

Remus sighed, "No I'm not mad at you Sirius."

Sirius frowned, "You never used to call me Sirius, Are you mad because of the letters?"

Remus felt his blood run cold at the mention of the letters.
He and Sirius used to write to each other during the holidays. Remus would send the letters to a muggle post office box where Sirius could collect them, and so forth. It was something they had done since second year when they got closer. Remus could tell Sirius things he wouldn't dream of telling Lily or James or Peter, and Sirius, never judged him. He knew everything about him, well almost everything. Sirius would write back too, telling Remus about news in the wizarding world and asking him questions.

But this summer inexplicably in June Sirius stopped writing back.
Remus must have sent 5 or 6 letters that were never responded to.
He agonised over the last one he'd sent before Sirius stopped replying. Trying to remember if he could have said something to offend him.
But when they got back to school Sirius acted as if nothing had happened. He never mentioned the letters even once and out of embarrassment neither did Remus.

Remus's brow creased, he thought maybe Sirius had forgotten or maybe he hadn't gotten them.

"Why didn't you write back?" Remus asked.
The pain in his voice was raw, he did his best to conceal it, taking another drag of his cigarette.

Sirius's eyes went a little glassy and he looked away from Remus. Tilting his head up to the sky and breathing in smoke.

"My mother found them." His tone was flat. Suppressing any signs of emotion.

"Oh." Remus knew Sirius's family were strict but he couldn't understand why they wouldn't allow him to send letters to a friend.

"My mum she uh, " Sirius was still looking at the sky but his eyes were about ready to spill. "She found me going through the box where I kept them, I'd already torn up anything that she'd get mad at like muggle stuff. But she kept asking questions about your family and your blood status and all that stupid shit." Sirius spat he was angry but a lone tear crept down his cheek.

Remus's heart sank. Of course, she didn't want her son corresponding with a half-blood, a werewolf half-blood at that.
"I understand." Remus reached a hand over to rub Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius spun around to face him a look of indignation on his face.
"I didn't tell her Moony, I -I wouldn't. None of that stuff's important you know it's not!"

"Its OK Sirius," Remus comforted moving closer to him, rubbing his back in an attempt to soothe him in his
distressed state.

"But she wouldn't take no for an answer," Sirius bent his knees to his chest.
"She used Legilimency." His voice broke as he said this and he covered his face in his knees.

Remus panicked selfishly he thought of what a blood purist could do to him when she discovered that he was a Werewolf who was tainting his precious heir.
Then his heart broke to think of Sirius who had a mother so cruel that she would invade her son's mind for answers.

"It's not your fault Padfoot, I'm so sorry you had to go through that,"
Remus said wanting to do nothing more than take away his friend's pain.
"I'll have to register in a year anyways, it doesn't make much of a difference." He lied trying to seem convincing.

Sirius looked up. His eyes were red and his cheeks were flooded with tears.
"She doesn't know your werewolf." He said hoarsely.
"She-she's done this before, used Le-,"
He swallowed.
"Legilimency, it's too dangerous for me to think about that when I'm home. I w-wouldn't. But she invaded my mind," a new batch of tears started to form.
, "She read my mind about you and she told me I was filth."
Anger rose in Sirius again.
"That my thoughts were impure, that I was a disgusting stain upon our families name for having them."

"What does that mean?" Remus asked in gently.

"You had just written to me about muggle London and how you'd been going around the town. It made me think of how much I wished I was there. And you put a photo in too, a muggle one I had to tear it up after.
The one you took next to the motorbike to show it to me. ," Sirius swallowed. "I was thinking about how good you looked and I don't know why but I- I couldn't get it out of my head."
Sirius wiped furiously at his face.
His jaw was set. It was the face he made when he wanted it to seem like nothing bothered him.
"She punished me after, and then a few days later I moved to the Potter's."

"I didn't know you moved in with James?"
Remus was surprised that neither of his friends had thought to mention it in the last 2 months.

"Yeah, I'm sorry we didn't tell you." Sirius looked ashamed. He asked his cigarette into the dirt on the ground looking away.

Remus couldn't hold it against him after hearing what had happened. He didn't want to ask what punishment he'd gotten because if Walpurga Black was willing to resort to Legilimency to find out about her son's friend, he couldn't imagine what was considered a punishment.

"Hey it's OK," Remus smiled trying to make Sirius feel a little better. "What's it like living with Prongs anyway, is his morning routine as anal during the summer." Remus attempted to joke smiling wryly.

Sirius appreciated it returning a smile.
"Worse, and I'm still recovering from the daily Quidditch schedule."
He flopped his head down dramatically on Remus's lap.

They shared a laugh.
Sirius blew a hair out of his face.
"It's probably a good thing though, the only thing that kept me in shape with Euphimias cooking. " Sirius laughed.

Remus looked down at him smiling. His eyes were shining in the light of the stars.

"Oh yeah, I can imagine, remember how sick we got in first year from eating about 20 of those carrot cake muffins she made." Remus laughed.

Sirius hummed nostalgically
"Those were good."

They went on like this for a while, talking tipsily under the clear sky.

...................................................................

"Do you think the moon moves?" Sirius asked pointing it out above them.

Remus looked up following Sirius's slender fingers in the direction of the moon.

"Yeah, I think it does." He said.
The moon was usually a source of fear for Remus. It controlled him with its cyclic days.
But tonight the way it shone down on the beautiful face of Sirius Black, it didn't seem so scary.

"What about the stars? " Sirius pointed to his namesake in the sky.

"I don't know Pads." Remus mused.

"Tonight the moon and stars seem closer." He smiled.

"I've never really thought about it." Remus realised.

"I have," Sirius said looking up intently.

Remus smiled because sometimes Sirius's mind still amazed him.

"We should probably go back soon, "
Remus said reluctantly.
Sirius turned to look at Remus.
"Not yet, I like it just like this. Just us."

Remus felt a flutter in his stomach.
"So do I."

"You're not like anyone I've ever met Moony." Sirius smiled moving so that he was sitting up and facing Remus.

His hair was falling to his shoulders, curls flattened by the heavy night air.
He looked at Remus like he had hung the sky. His eyes were a murky blue, ready to pull him in.

Remus smiled shaking his head, "I can say with absolute certainty Sirius, that I've never met anyone like you."

Sirius leaned closer moving his arm to rest by Remus's hip so that there was only a movement between them.
He looked into Remus's eyes with a question in his own.
Remus looked back at him like the fate of the world depended on what Sirius did next.

Sirius finally closed the space. He tasted like cigarettes and firewhiskey. His lips were soft, exactly as Remus had imagined.
All the guilt and anxiety and questions melted away with the heat of Sirius's mouth.