James looks at the skies (his ceiling) and chants “Mamma mia, mamma mia”
Asking for divine help, for the person that lives up there to listen to him for the love of anything this person holds as holy in their life.
“MAMMA MIA LET ME GO” he yells (into his pillow). Like he’s a fourteen boy that just held hands with his highschool crush for the first time.
He has a very big problem, and when he asked Marlene to help him about said problem all she said was “Mate, your crush from like forever is hitting on you, and you don’t know what to do? BE A MAN, POTTER”.
It’s safe to say that Marlene has a tough love approach when it comes to panicked bisexuals, like James Potter, she shook his shoulders as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Probably was, James knew he had a vein for the theatrics, he learned from the best (Sirius Black) that life is quite boring when you act normal to life events. Sometimes you need to add some spice to life, otherwise it tastes just like colonizer food (James’ words, not Sirius, even because Sirius is technically british, so…). So, he was on his right to panic.
James was a very down to earth person. Very cool minded, never worried much about things. He was the cool guy, smooth like a breeze and sweet talker. He wasn’t one to get nervous about people, in fact, no one loved people like James Potter did. Just loved people.
That smoothness, coolness, breezy stuff all faded away when James laid his eyes on Regulus Black for the first time.
It was summer, he was spending the holidays in the Black family summer house, far away from London, so it had been the farthest away that James had ever been from home. Also, it was the biggest house he’s ever been inside since he started at Hogwarts. But one was a school, the other was just a summer house that was barely used, Sirius said his parents liked to show off and James couldn’t agree more. Orion and Walburga hated James to his last cell, hated every single thing about him. His jokes, his hair, his voice, the way he spoke and the way he made Sirius feel seen and loved by someone that didn’t want to control him. That, to James, was the point they must hate the most. That he loved Sirius freely, a love that never asked for anything in return, not even to be loved back, he never once asked anything to Sirius in exchange for his love, maybe that was why the Blacks hated him so much. But, more than hating James, the Blacks liked to show how much money they had and to throw it around on stupid things to humiliate others. It wasn’t the first time James had to deal with people like them, so he wasn’t amused by how they wanted to make him feel small and inferior. He never did, though, but he appreciated the holiday and the free food they offered.
The point is not his interactions with Walburga and Orion, but it is the first time he saw Regulus, because till this day no one looked like him. James liked art pieces, he could go into a museum and tell apart many historical paintings, art movements and even the style of brushing that some painters used. But the moment he saw Regulus, it was like art had reinvented itself, he had never seen someone as beautiful as him, there was no brush technique that would ever be able to encompass the absurdity of the looks that Regulus Black had. There was just no one like him. The entire summer, James avoided Regulus like he was evil itself, Sirius even asked if James had hated Regulus to which he said “Dude, I wish I had hated him, because I can deal with hate, I know what it feels like” James said exasperatedly, like the air on his lungs were running away from him “But I don’t know how to deal with this”, well, now James understands that he had a crush on Regulus. But back then? He had so much to figure out yet, he didn’t know what the heart racing, ears buzzing, hands sweating meant when Regulus walked on his direction. He never seemed fazed by it, James noted, Sirius was bothered because well James is his best friend and Regulus is his brother, so when you put those two people together, and they don’t talk it bothers you a bit. But Regulus never came to confront James about it, so all he concluded was that he simply didn’t care enough about James’ existence to do something about it.
James always brushed the little crush (and gay awakening) away, because the next semester started and suddenly Regulus wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t so present, so James entertained the thought that he wouldn’t feel anything if Regulus ever gave him the time of the day – also because he never thought he would catch his attention–.
But oh how wrong James was.
Today, as in, the third week into the new school year, James has a new mission. That is, to avoid Regulus Black at all costs during the rest of the year. He did it for three weeks, what is a year? A lot, James can hear Marlene’s evil whisper in his ear, but he will not surrender. He is so strong and determinate when he wants, once he spent three hours without talking to Remus because of an argument they had over a book. Not just that, but he also spent almost a month without talking to Peter, on the first year, because he lost the paper where he noted his address to send him a letter during the summer. So, that proved, James was very good at ignoring people and avoiding them perfectly.
His challenge got harder because Regulus was not pretending James wasn’t real, like he had for the past three years. All of a sudden, Regulus decided that James was a real person, a physical one, a person he could talk to. James wanted to bury himself in the forbidden forest, where no one would ever find his body and he would eventually become part of nature and be able to feed the animals that lived there, there would be no James Potter anymore, because Regulus aimed to his killing.
Sirius thought James was overreacting. And that is saying something.
For once, James thought Sirius would freak and lose his mind over the thought of James kissing Regulus or something like that. But Sirius was being so… supportive of James to invest on Regulus, because, according to him, “Regulus is shy, so if he hits on you James, you’re on the like getting ready to be caught”. That made James want to walk around the school with a target on his back, but at the same time he wanted to hide under his bed and never leave again.
However, even if James was terrified of Regulus and the feelings he could have, he was also so desperately curious to know what he felt. What did Regulus think about him? How did his insides feel when James walked into the room? Did he prefer any look on James that would make him feel more appealing to Regulus? He just wanted to know everything, every sensation and thought about him that could be hanging in Regulus’ mind. Because James wanted Regulus to drown in feelings for him, so he could feel like James did during the summer.
That wasn’t revenge, in James’ eyes.
Simply… putting Regulus on his shoes, which was sweeter than a revenge.
James then started working, because he wanted to look good to Regulus. He started with the basics, the sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled to his elbow, showing off the majority of his arm, he wasn’t very strong or looked like he was, but quidditch did make his arms look more toned and pretty, so James thought of using it in his favour.
“You’re a little shit, Potter, you know that, right?” Barty said, and laughed, as he passed through James on the hallway that day.
Bingo.
He knew that was because probably Regulus felt something.
But James didn’t realize that two could play that game. He was excellent at looking appealing and making Regulus lose his will to live, but Regulus had a sharp tongue that James should be very afraid of, he noted.
“Working out much, Potter?” Regulus said after the slytherin quidditch practice and Merlin, he was sweating, and his curls were thrown back, James thought he was about to combust.
“Well, you know Reggie, just the usual practice” he flashed a certified James Potter smile, that made a blush creep into Regulus’ cheek, he could do it, he wasn’t that awkward “See you doing the same, getting some lovely results”
“Oh, am I?” fuck.
FUCK.
James' mind shut down because had him just accidentally called Regulus hot? Oh, fucking Merlin, that was not supposed to happen. He was cool and under control.
“I-I suppose, B-black, you-” he scratched his throat nervously, wishing he would just shut up to not make everything worse “You do look fit, if you ask me”
“Am I asking you?”
“You could” James retorted, he was going to win.
“Maybe another time” he smirked, pure evil in James opinion, “In the meanwhile, keep imagining me being fit”
Before James could embarrass himself even more, he scoffed and left. If he stood there another minute, he could've said “yeah I noticed how your legs are more toned now, seeker thing?” and that would be mortifying really.
“You said something, Potter?” Regulus, who was right behind him, asked, and James wanted to die. Dig up a grave in god knows where and DIE.
“Bye, Black!” James ran for his life and hid himself on the curtains of his bed.
Sirius, Peter and Remus were doing their best to help James and his panicked ass to get over that, because in Peter’s opinion, it could have been worse.
“Worse than that?” Remus asked
“Not helping!” James said, from the pillow, where he had buried his face.
“You know Prongs has no filter when he gets nervous” Sirius argued, “So he’s lucky he didn’t say Regulus was hot to his face”
“Thought you’d be bothered by James thing with your brother” Remus said
“I was at first, but then I realized something, if James thinks Regulus is hot, then at some time he also thought I was too because Reggie is my brother and we share genes, so if he’s hot, I’m hot too”
“SHUT UP” James yelled, mortified, wanting death to take him away “Please no Regulus, no hotness, not quidditch and no whatever this is”
“You stopped having a fit?”
“I’m not having a fit” James pouted.
“You’re pouting” Peter pointed out.
“Where’s Marlene?” Remus asked and James wanted to die, if Marlene heard about it, she would kill him on the spot “Oh, hi Marls!”
“Hi boys” she probably smiled at them, James wouldn’t know, because he buried himself deeper into the bed “Potter, get yourself together, you’re so dramatic it looks like you’re trying to steal Sirius’ place”
“I’m not that dramatic”
“Precisely, love” Marlene said “Potter, you have two options. One: you get your act together and walk that hallway tomorrow like you’re a meal cooked just for Regulus Black, or you go and talk to him and ask him out”
“EW” Sirius yelled “I’m cool with him going out with Reggie, but not many descriptions please”
“Oh that was not even the worst I could do”
“We know” Sirius and James said at the same time.
–
James game plan was to look like a meal.
He didn’t know much about how to look like one, but Remus said he looked “appropriately hot” so he would take it. His first buttons were open, and his tie was loose, he thought it was maybe a bit much for eight in the morning, but hey ! who can judge a man on a mission that wants just to kiss Regulus until he has no strength to stay on his feet and lean on James to keep going? He was acting almost in a maniac way and he was very aware of that.
The plan was in course at least, because Regulus certainly noticed the way he walked into the great hall for breakfast. James never wished so badly that gryffindor and slytherin’s tables were closer, because he had put his glasses on his head (to give a final touch to his look) and he couldn’t see shit in front of him. But Peter whispered to him that Regulus stared at him the entire meal, so that made him feel much better.
During the classes, James had to put down his glasses back to their places, but spent quite some time adjusting his curls, so they looked nice, in a class that he shared with Regulus he felt his vicious eyes burning his neck while he got his hair fixed. If there was a superior force, that force would guarantee that James got snogged tonight, very beautifully so, he hoped.
Slughorn, however, had other plans for the poor sensitive mind of James Potter. Because it was amortentia day and he was the chosen one to brew it. Fucking fuck gods were fucking James life so much today and all he asked for was some time with Regulus.
So he started it, first gathering the ash winder eggs, putting them in the cauldron and feeling a cold line of sweat roll over his face. Followed by that, the rose thorns, peppermint and moonstone. Did James even know how Regulus smelt like? He didn’t want to find that out in front of the entire class, but seemed like he had no choice, when he flashed a look to Regulus the motherfucker was smirking, cocky son of a bitch knew what was about to happen and would have a blast with it. James did the final touchings adding pearl dust and the rose petals.
“So, Mr. Potter, does it smell right?”
“You bet it does”
“Care to describe to me how it smells like?” Slughorn asked, and James never hated potions so much in his entire life “Just so the class knows it works”
“I can assure it works quite well, no need for me to describe”
“Why not”
“Because, professor, I do not want to humiliate myself even more”
“Fine” he rolled his eyes, probably not wanting to know about the drama that James Potter had going on “But I will ask a report about it”
“Thank you, professor”
When everyone left by the end of class, Regulus approached James from behind and whispered on his ear “Meet me on the Astronomy Tower at eleven” and left like he had never been there. But oh James had felt his presence and could feel it linger.
At 23:05 James arrived at the tower. He had to make himself fashionably late, so it didn’t seem like he was desperate for Regulus, even if he was a little bit. Regulus was right there, in his dress shirt a bit open and the slytherin tie hanging open on his neck, James had urges and he fought all of them for the sake of talking to Regulus before doing something reckless and that he wouldn’t regret later.
“Tell me” Regulus whispered, when James sat right next to him on the floor, his eyes were shining and never been so beautiful, like a cloudy night ready to start a storm and James got a bit lost in them “Tell me what you smelled with the potion”
“You really wanna know?” James asked rather timidly and Regulus nodded “Well, if you must. You smell like cologne, a very expensive one if I may add, also now you smell like spicy cherries which is a very interesting smell”
“That’s not what I asked” Regulus giggled, James loved that sound, even if he was swimming in his carnal desire for Regulus, that didn’t mean he didn’t adore all the details about him, going from his laugh to the little habits, how Regulus wanted to hold hands at all times but never know how to ask, the fact that he loves tea more than coffee but never admits that out loud or how he is smart about everything. James loves noticing the small pieces that makes Regulus Black the person that sits in front of him right now, “Can you please tell me, what the potion smelled like, James?” He whispered.
James couldn’t say no to such a request.
“The potion smelled like cherries” James brushed his nose against Regulus’, feeling himself get drunk on him “Smelled so sweet and comforting, like a freshly baked pie, it was a warm smell like the best thing I could have. Not just cherry though, smelled like berries and a tint of mint, like a fancy tea you made during summer” James stopped to leave a kiss on Regulus jaw.
“I smell like pie, then?” Regulus asked amused, and a bit breathless, “the other day, Slughorn made me do the Amortentia, wanna know what smell it got?”
“Dying to know, actually” James felt dazed, like Regulus was putting a spell on him, because suddenly he wanted to touch him everywhere all the time, but he settled for holding his hand carefully. He knew Regulus wasn’t a big fan of the physical touching, but he gladly took James’ hands on his and smiled.
“Like my favourite cup of tea, but also like oranges and the autumn characteristically smell, you know?” he said carefully and James couldn’t feel more over the moon “At first, I thought that wasn’t your smell and I got confused, because you seem to have made my brain your personnel office and pester me all the time. But then, I met you after practice that day, the day you talked about my legs and I felt it, the autumn smell surrounding you”
“Wish I could visit my personnel office, though” James joked and Regulus smiled brightly.
“I can always walk you through it, Jams”
The magnetic pull that James was feeling ever since he had stepped on the tower was unbearable right now, his mouth glued itself to Regulus’ fiercely, he was also very gentle. The kiss wasn’t about just desire, just the feeling of Regulus’ warm skin under the palm of his hands, the kiss was about settling a new deal, that they could let themselves know each other like this, know little habits they had but weren’t aware of. For instance, James learned that Regulus liked to grip his curls while kissing, and he also let little breaths of air scape his mouth in the process. James smiled brightly and almost had to break the kiss from the amusement he was feeling with Regulus.
Feeling Regulus in his arms were his favourite part of the entire act of kissing. His sensorial system was hyperaware of the presence of another body, so James took notes on the shape that Regulus had against him, for a moment it was like both of them moulded themselves to fit in each other, so they could get closer and closer.
James felt like he was flying on his broom, so light and happy, also a little bit out of breath, but he didn’ want to separate himself from Regulus that soon. He wanted to kiss the air out of him, them kiss it back inside, invent a cycle so he would never stop being so close to him ever again.
Maybe that what was love about.
Creating and reinventing systems to fit in the space between the both of them. Even if James felt like his systems were broken and melted, he could feel something blooming inside his own chest. Maybe it was his body remaking itself to fit the love starting to grow for Regulus.
James wondered if Regulus’ body was doing the same for him.