Chapter 1
Emma knew something was wrong. She had this feeling deep in her gut that something was off. She knew it. She just knew it.
She sat on the couch with a glass of wine in her hands. She swirled the liquid to the point where if she’d weakened her hand even a little bit, the glass would tip, and Regina’s precious white carpet would have a stain. How fitting.
She clenched her jaw and let out a loud exhale, trying to ignore her shaking hands, her aching heart and her inner demons of the whispers she’d tried so hard to ignore. Her eyes raked over the living room. A place that was once so clean, pristine, almost clinical, now had a touch of warmth to it. Pictures of them both with a grinning and laughing Henry were splattered across the one table that they had decided would display their small happy family.
Her eyes lingered on one picture where Regina was laughing at Emma and there was so much fondness and love in her eyes that it made breathing hurt. She was snapped back into reality when she heard the sound of the door and soft thuds of Regina’s heels. Glancing at her wrist, she saw that it was almost 1 am.
“Hey.” She called out when she saw the dark figure almost passing by the living room to head to the stairs.
She could see Regina halting her steps and turned around to walk to the living room. “Hey.” She walked over and passed Emma as she headed to the kitchen. Emma grimaced when she caught a whiff of Regina’s perfume now mixed with something unfamiliar, and she hated it. “Can’t sleep?” She asked.
Emma hummed. Her lips tightly shut as it forms into a thin line, her displeasure and hurt apparent for Regina to see and she inhaled sharply as she tried to even her breathing. She clenched her jaw and relaxed her face; her jaw loosened, her lips pink and her face devoid of emotions.
“You could have turned on the lamp rather than staying in the dark.” Regina commented as she joined Emma on the couch with a glass of water. “Here.”
Emma placed her glass of wine on the table and accepted the glass of water. “I haven’t even been drinking much.” She mumbled, feeling oddly defensive, but drank the water anyway.
Regina bent down and placed a kiss on the top of Emma’s head. “I know, dear. I just don’t want you to get a hangover tomorrow.” She murmured. “I’m quite tired, I’m heading to bed.”
“Okay. I’ll be up soon.” Emma said and bit her lower lip in contemplation as she watched Regina’s figure disappear to the second floor.
Having made a decision, Emma opted to stay there for half an hour before she climbed the stairs and walked into their bedroom. Her heart clenched as she saw Regina already asleep. Her chest moved up and down peacefully as she slept.
Emma took a deep breath and walked over to the bed. As she slid under the covers, she moved closer to Regina, and her arms wrapped around the brunette. She heard Regina hum and when she felt Regina’s hand on top of hers, she relaxed and held the woman closer. She breathed in the smell of her shampoo, her lotion, the smell that was just so utterly Regina. Apple, vanilla and a hint of lavender.
Emma gripped the blanket tighter as she shut her eyes. Everything’s fine. Regina’s home. Regina came home to her, and it’s all fine. She repeated it like a mantra until she fell asleep. It felt as though she’d only gone to sleep for a second when she was jolted awake by a loud bark from outside.
The moment her eyes opened, she turned to where her wife usually was and was greeted with the empty sight of Regina’s side of the bed. She turned to the clock and sighed; it was 7.30 am. Regina would be downstairs, as per usual. She’s nothing if not a creature of habit.
She stretched her aching limbs and walked down to the kitchen and saw Regina cooking breakfast. “Morning.” she croaked out. Her voice is still low and tired.
Regina turned around slightly, gave her a small smile and motioned to the counter, “Morning. Coffee’s ready.”
Emma’s hands immediately reached for the hot steaming mug. “Thank you.” She took a sip and groaned, “That’s the stuff.”
She didn’t have to turn to see Regina shaking her head with a small smile on her face. “Honestly, Emma. “ She sighed, but Emma could still detect fondness in her tone, and that made her heart swell with hope.
Emma grinned cheekily and put the mug down. She walked and wrapped her arms around Regina’s waist and placed a lingering kiss on the side of her neck. “I was thinking, could we go somewhere tonight?” she asked. “Dress up, have a nice dinner, a walk and then, once we’re home, I could show you just how much I’ve missed you?“
When Henry had gone to college, the house was very quiet for the first time in a very long time. The first few months after Henry’s left, they both had taken full advantage of it. To the point where there had been some days when they’d call in sick because they were too into it. But that was so long ago that it felt like another lifetime. Somewhere along the lines, something’s changed. It’s become stifling. Too quiet. Less passionate, and lately, Emma’s mind was feeding her too many whispers of insecurities and of her past habits as a way out. She hated it, and it had been keeping her up, though she hid it well. Regina hadn't noticed, so that was something, Emma thought to herself.
“Is that so?” Regina asked with a hint of playfulness in her voice. “I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it.” Regina turned around and leaned in to kiss her.
Emma reacted eagerly; her hands cupped the older woman’s face as she poured her feelings into the kiss. Her love, her insecurities, her fears and her desperation. Everything was changing, and Emma felt as if the world were moving, crumbling and falling apart and Regina floating away further and further away from her, so she clung to Regina as a reminder that she was here, right in Emma’s arms, in their kitchen.
Regina pulled back with her lipstick smudged and lips a bit swollen from the kiss, “I have to go to work.” She whispered, but her eyes were still on Emma’s lips, mesmerized and a bit dazed. She had her hands wrapped around Emma’s waist, and Emma revelled in the feeling that Regina wanted her.
Emma’s hands went to Regina’s blouse, and she unbuttoned the top slowly as she kissed the mayor’s neck, “Stay.” She scraped Regina’s skin with her teeth, and when she heard Regina hiss, she bit the area of skin that drove her insane, a lick, a suck. “Take the day off.”
“Emma.” Regina sighed, there was still a hint of hesitation in her voice so Emma knew she needed a bit more to convince Regina.
She slowly moved her hands downwards and nibbled on Regina’s lips; she moved away as Regina leaned in for a kiss and teased Regina with her tongue. “Stay at home.” She whispered and then bit Regina’s lips and soothed it with her tongue, “Make love to your wife.” She commanded, and as Regina’s eyes turned dark with lust, there was also a hint of guilt in her eyes, and at that moment. Emma knew. It all but confirmed it. Emma wanted to cry, puke, and run but she stayed. She stayed because there was nowhere else to go. There was nowhere that she wanted to go. This was her home. This place had been her home; Regina had become her home and she’d sooner shoot herself in the foot before she ran away from where she belonged, but still, doubt crept into the back of her mind as her heart ached as she caressed her wife’s smooth tanned skin. It used to be something so intimate, just something for the two of them, a secret whispered between crumpled silk sheets in the darkness. Something that was completely hers but now…
“Okay.” Regina mumbled, and the next second, they were in their bedroom, uncaring to the outside world. Everything else became muted. Their jobs. Their untouched breakfast. The lives outside of the bedroom didn’t matter. The sound of cars, the moving arm of the clock, the buzzing of their phones. Nothing mattered.
It was desperate, passionate, hot, sweaty and so unlike the other times they’d made love before. Because it’s been tainted. It’s different now. Regina was eager to please. Too eager. But Emma let her have the control; she let her wife make love to her, and she made love to her wife in return. Because Regina was in her arms, her eyes begging, her voice so desperate, and she sounded so fucking needy that Emma almost lost control. Regina was in her arms, whispering sweet words of love and Emma couldn't think about anything else, but the whisper of doubt lingered heavily at the back of her mind. She tried to block it out with the sounds from her wife, with how beautiful her wife looked, with how in love she is with Regina. She shoved it away and focused only on Regina.
Regina. Regina. Regina.
The smell of her perfume was fresh, and Emma was obsessed. Apple, vanilla and lavender. For a moment, she tried to forget about everything else. She wanted to forget about that one thing that made her want to crawl into the deepest depths of hell and just stay there. She wanted to suppress the urges to run. To leave and start a new life. She wanted to forget. She wanted to, but at the same time, the thought remained. It lingered at the back of her head because how could she forget completely about it? So she suppressed it. She pushed it so far away that it became blurry.
“Emma.”
Regina’s voice was like music to her ears as Emma buried her face into the crook of the sweaty neck. She breathed in the smell, the sound, the feeling. She needed to remember. She needed to commit everything to memory. She needed to be reminded of their love. She needed to feel loved. Call her desperate or pathetic, but at this moment, she needed it like fire needed dry wood to keep burning.
“I love you.” Emma whispered as she traced her lips across Regina’s skin.
It was worship; it was devotion; it was devastation all at once.
“Say it. Tell me.” Emma pleaded, her voice breathy from their exertions. “Say it, Regina.”
“I love you.” Regina cried out as she writhed on the bed, “God– I love you. Emma–”
They had stayed home the entire day, and Emma barely let Regina out of her clutches.
Regina had laughed, grinned and kissed Emma so tenderly when she whispered in wonder, but the curiosity in her eyes was obvious. “What is up with you today?”
They were still in bed, facing each other, and Emma needed to be closer, so she moved and hid her face and kissed the side of Regina’s neck, “I love you.” She mumbled, “And I miss you.”
“I love you too.” She replied, and Emma couldn’t help feeling like her insides had been torn apart at Regina’s reply. “Seriously though, are you okay? What’s going on?”
Emma’s an expert at hiding her feelings; even after a couple of years of marriage, she still knows how to shut Regina out. A lot of times Regina had been pissed at her and vice versa. They’d had countless talks on the importance of communication, so Emma had tried and so had Regina. But it seems as if it was all pointless after all. “I suppose I just miss Henry too. It’s been a while since we’ve all been together.”
“Me too. He’s visiting soon; we can plan something for when he returns.”
“That’s like months away.” Emma’s tone was close to whining as she grumbled.
Regina rolled her eyes and raised her hand to tuck a piece of wild hair to Emma’s ear. “I’m well aware, dear. That just gives us time to plan properly.”
“Just so you know–”
“Yes, Emma.” Her tone gave away her annoyance, but considering that there was an amused smile on her face, Emma knew Regina wasn’t actually annoyed. She supposed that Regina tolerated her idiocy more than anyone else’s. “I’ll do the planning. God knows what we’ll do if I leave the planning up to you.”
Emma’s lips thinned. “I can plan.” She countered, “Let me plan, and I’ll show you.”
Regina’s eyebrow raised, and Emma couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, okay. Maybe not.”
“Yes, dear. Need I remind you the last time you planned something, you ended up in the hospital?”
“I slipped! How was that my fault?”
Regina leaned in and placed a soft kiss at the corner of Emma’s mouth. “It was your fault for planning dangerous activities. Thank god Henry didn’t take after your clumsiness.”
Emma raised her hand to fiddle with a strand of Regina’s hair. “I just wanted to have fun. Do something thrilling. Something to– I don’t know. I wanted to feel the adrenaline.”
“I can help you with that just fine right here.” Regina whispered huskily, and just like that, the rest of the day went by and Emma basked in the feeling of spending the day in bed with her wife.
She should have known that something would happen because everything had been too good. Too fucking perfect. She had been happy to bask in their small bubble, to ignore what she knew. But no, everything had been quiet and calm, too happy and too quiet so of course, something was going to happen. She really should have fucking known that something would go wrong. It always does.
They woke up to both of their phones ringing and buzzing first thing in the morning. Regina had jolted awake and reached for her phone, and Emma had too as she eyed Regina. Both only thinking about Henry as their phones continued to buzz. Emma eyed her phone at the vanity table across the room and glanced at Regina.
“Is it Henry?” She asked, her voice shaking.
“No, it’s– “ Regina continued to squint her eyes as she tried to read her messages in the dark.
“Then what in gods–” Emma’s words paused as she watched blood drain from Regina’s face. “Regina?”
Regina stiffened, and she dropped her phone, face down to the bed, and took a shaky breath in.
“Regina what’s wrong?” Emma asked; she moved closer and her heart was beating out of her chest as she took in Regina’s pale and guilt stricken face. When Regina’s eyes met with hers, she knew.
“I– Emma, I–” She stuttered, and tears started to stream down her face as she tried to talk. “I don’t know how– I’m so– “ She brought her shaky hand to her mouth as she tried to hold in a sob.
Emma’s phone continued to buzz and ring. It somehow was louder. It was as if the sound was amplified, and it became something so haunting, and Emma just wanted it to stop. She threw off the covers and was about to fetch her phone when Regina gripped her forearm.
“Wait, Emma.” She begged, her voice breaking, “I need you to listen to me first. Okay? Please. You have to– “
“I know.”
Regina paused, she blinked confusedly, and more tears continued to slowly pour out of her regretful dark eyes. “No, no, Emm–”
Emma sighed and pried Regina's hands off of her forearm. “I know, Regina.” She said and moved to grab her phone, and when she read the messages, she shut her eyes and tried to hold back the tears. She turned her phone off and remained with her back to Regina.
“Emma, I can explain, okay? Please–“ Emma heard rustling, and then Regina was holding onto her shoulders, turning her body around so she was facing her. “I- I-” Regina stammered as she stared at Emma's defeated face.
“I know.“ Emma repeated, since it didn’t seem as though Regina was about to speak.
Regina shook her head and sniffed, her hand wiped her tears and her brows furrowed, “What do you mean? What do you mean by ‘you know’?”
Emma sighed, she shrugged Regina's hands off her shoulder and sat at the edge of their bed. She rested her elbows on her knees and buried her face in her hands.
“Emma?”
“I know. I just knew.” Emma repeated, because she didn’t know what else to say. “You came home that day and… I just knew.”
“I– Emma, I can expl–” Whatever Regina was about to say seemed to have disappeared from her mind when she saw Emma’s shoulder shaking as she quietly cried.
Emma raised her head, tears streaming down her face as she looked brokenly at Regina. She sobbed and let out a heartbreaking laugh, but it only came out as a whimper, a broken whimper from a woman who had been hurt. It sounded so tired, so broken and defeated even to her own ears, Emma thought.
“Don’t you know?” She asked quietly. ”The wife always knows.” She whimpered and avoided Regina’s gaze as she continued to cry. If it weren’t for her sobs and whimpers, or Regina’s cries, Emma could have sworn the sound of her heart breaking would be so deafening that they both would crumble to the ground. Emma knew. Emma had known for a while. The wife always knows.
The wife always knows.