“ Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured? ” — Friedrich Nietzsche, Good and Evil
Everyone must certainly think it was Sirius who would believe it is better to speak and Regulus who would think it is better to die. Speaking is dying. But, better speaking and dying than dying without having spoken. Sirius would rather speak his mind, open up to people, tell them how he feels and stand his ground while Regulus will keep his pride and let it stop him from being truly him. Sirius will speak despite the danger while Regulus would rather die misunderstood.
Regulus remembers a time where Sirius wouldn’t speak. Would rather time. And old, forgotten time where Sirius would simply observe and nobody— not even Regulus, would know what he’s thinking about.
As Regulus was approaching the cave in his tiny boat, floating in the middle of nowhere, he wondered when did Sirius began to speak ?
Not before joining Gryffindor, that was certain. As a boy, Sirius was never at loss for words, his mind was constantly pensive yet the words never left his mouth, never even touched his lips, much like Regulus. Much like how their parents wanted it.
His mother hated silences but despised even more the sound of a blabbering mouth, never shutting up close to her. So, if Sirius and Regulus were to have a conversation, they would keep a long distance between them and their mother.
When they really wanted to speak as loudly as they wanted, Sirius would play the piano to cover the sound of their voices, Regulus would sit right next to him and tell him about the latest stories he’s heard. Sirius would laugh, tell a few stories of his own but would mostly listen.
Their father would often read them stories, about the greatest wizards of their generation, he would always bash the muggles during his tales. This would often time amuse Sirius, and Regulus would pretend to laugh even though he didn’t understood the jokes (Sirius always explained it to him later, Regulus always laughed).
Maybe it all began when Sirius stopped laughing (Regulus finally understood, he laughed for the both of them).
Regulus looked up, his mission began now. He still, took a moment, to breath, to simply exist. It’s his last time existing. He wished the sky was pretty but there were only grey, flavorless clouds who seemed to drain all his braveness out of him. Unfortunately, there was no turning back.
It was after his first year in Hogwarts that Sirius spoke— really spoke for the first time. He defended mudblood’s right ! His parents were baffled. Regulus himself was shocked to the core. How dare he after all ? It was complet nonsense he was saying ! What happened next is a blur, Regulus only remembers flashes of everything. He remembers Walburga screaming, Orion threatening, he doesn’t think Sirius apologized, and if he did, it was certainly not heartfelt. Their parents were mad for days. They were furious. Maybe even more than when he was sorted in Gryffindor.
Regulus promised to never ever say something like this. Regulus promised to never even think about it (in a way, he promised to die right )?
Regulus felt like they weren’t any right choices anyway. Speaking involved risks that will kill you. You’ll die anyway. So what did it matter if Regulus chose to die ? Sirius will die too.
Maybe that’s what harmed their relationship? (Did it mean it was his fault ?)
Sirius talked to him about James Potter, the friend he made a school. Sirius talked about how wonderful James was, how fun and nice he was, how hilarious their pranks were, how his group of friend was simply the best.
Except for Potter, none of their last name suggested they were pureblood. None of their names were famous. Walburga allowed him to be friend with Potter as he was relative, but she ordered him to ditch the others. He remembers how much Sirius ranted about it, how sweet Peter was and how smart was Remus . Regulus hated every last one of them. Especially James Potter. Regulus disguised his jealousy as his hatred for halfbreed and the mudbloods world. He’s still jealous now, because Sirius is probably with them, spending a nice evening while he’s alone on his way to kill himself.
Oh Merlin. Regulus misses his brother. He misses Sirius so much that his heart ache. Even though they don’t think the same, even though Sirius hates him (and probably thinks Regulus hates him too), he just misses playing the piano and talking, he misses the bedtimes stories, he misses when his brother was dying just like him so much. He wished he was living with him.
Regulus wonders what could’ve happened of he gave a chance to James Potter like Sirius did ? Was it because Sirius had met James that he spoke ? Was it because Regulus didn’t that he died ? Would he be spending the evening with his brother now if he did ?
What if he turned back ? What if he went to find Sirius right now ? What if he told him everything he knew about the horcrux ?
But Sirius wouldn’t believe him, would he ? Regulus was everything Sirius despised now. Why would he listen to him ?
No, Sirius would listen (he always did), but then Regulus would have to tell him about everything, the dark lord, the death eaters meetings, the lives he stole, the murder he’s committed (nobody gets the dark mark without killing a little someone for Voldemort). Regulus meditate, was he going, one again, to keep his pride ? To let it stop him from accomplishing what could the most beautiful blessing in his life ? To let it stop him from getting is big brother back ?
Regulus thinks his heart is broken. It probably is.
The worst, is probably that even if he told him, Sirius would soon discover that Regulus didn’t change. That he still thought very little of the muggles, muggles-born and half-bloods. That the only reason he was doing this was because Voldemort wasn’t a good leader and had hurt Kreacher. He’d discover that Regulus is selfish and only wants him back while still being a terrible person. He wants him but he’s not willing to change his biased opinion for him. He’s not gonna change.
As Regulus was getting closer to the middle of the cave, he wondered if it was better for Sirius to think he died serving Voldemort, or died out of selfishness and pettiness ? Would it be better that he never knows that he betrayed Voldemort, or would it be better that he knew he did the right things with the wrong intentions?
He wished he could go back in time, to when Sirius spoke for the fist time all these years ago, if he had a second chance, Regulus would probably follow his brother’s footsteps.
Regulus wished he spoke (as he was dying).