Small accident, very small

"Siri?" A small scared and confused ball with a head full of black curls looks around curiously.

One side of the room is covered in blue mist, is it some kind of spell? At his feet lies an overturned cauldron, oh no, did he overturn it? Did he spill some potion?

Oh no, oh no, now someone is going to be angry with him.

The little boy shivered, sat down on the floor trying to hide, maybe if he shrinks enough, maybe if he's small enough an adult won't notice and punish him.

But even little Reggie knows that's impossible, they always find him. Always.

He curled up into a ball and sobbed quietly, he doesn't want to make much noise, doesn't want to upset anyone.

If he cries it will only get worse so he tries to hold back his tears but it doesn't work, he can't, he's scared. He sobs sniffling and trying to be quiet so he chokes on tears.

Suddenly he hears the door open, his body freezes and he stops breathing.

"What happened here?" Horace Slughorn dispels the blue mist, looks for his favorite student whom he left here for a few moments, but only a small tearful toddler appears to his eyes. "Oh no," the man swallows nervously. It's not good. Regulus fell victim to the potion, oh how was he going to explain that to the Headmaster to his parents or- first, he should take care of the student. Horace pulls out his wand, the boy looks up at him in horror, so he angered this adult, what will happen now, how will he punish him? Regulus is afraid, he begins to tremble and cry, his lip twitching "oh no don't cry I just want your clothes to fit," the adult explains.

Regulus, however, did not calm down, still crying. He was terrified. He wanted to be in his room, he wanted to be in Sirius' room, he wanted his brother to hug him, he wanted his big brother to be here. Where was Sirius?

If Sirius had been here, he would have helped him, he would have stood in front of him, shielding Regulus with his own body. He would called this grown man stupid for making Reggie cry.

Reggie wanted Sirius.

He cried as he whispered his big brother's name like a mantra, like a last resort, like a promise.

It's just a normal thursday and the weekly potions extra class. Potions are Regulus' favorite subject, he loves sitting in the laboratory, learning how different ingredients work, he loves weighing them and adding them to the cauldron, stirring them and waiting for them to become something extraordinary, an elixir. There were so many possibilities. Regulus loved it and more importantly, he was good at it, really good at it. He always ranks at the highest level and wins all competitions.

It's just that... today something went wrong.

Regulus was distracted from the morning, the upcoming holidays for which he will be forced to return home and another howler from his parents does not help.

This distraction makes experimenting with potions dangerous.

Regulus should know better than that. He should be better. But for some reason he wasn't, he was risky, like he didn't care what might happen. Maybe he really didn't care. He was really tired already. He was too young to be so tired of his life, but he was, and that resulted in carelessness.

A little crying boy is placed on a hospital bed in the hospital wing.

"What are you doing, Horace?" Poppy asks surprised. She had just left her office to stumble upon Horace Slughorn, who did not visit her office often.

She heard someone come in and thought it was another sprained ankle, a stomachache, or donkey ears from a hex in the hallway but this time... this time it's a toddler. Little boy sniffles. Another adult, Regulus shivers.

"Polyjuice Potion accident," he says in a panic, oh his favorite student... "this little guy here is Mr. Black," he tries to explain "can you check to see if he's okay besides obviously... being a toddler? I'll go back to my lab to check this potion, maybe it can be reversed," his words are trying to break through the little boy's crying "Merlin sake, can you stop?" he asks annoyed, he asks harshly, his ears still buzzing and the baby's crying doesn't help. He must think, he must find a solution, he must fix it.

"I'm sorry," the little boy looks down at his hands, he knows better than to ignore the warnings of angry adults so he takes a deep breath and wipes his cheeks "I'll be good," he promises quietly, he will do anything as long as he doesn't get punished.

He doesn't want to cry but he's really scared, he doesn't understand what's going on and it's not good and where is Sirius? He wants Sirius.

"Horace," Poppy scolds him, she walks over to the sad boy "hey little buddy, let's check your health okay? You had a little accident, so we need to make sure you're okay, all right?" the boy looks at her uncertainly, he doesn't know if he should trust her, his mother used to tell him not to talk to suspicious and poor wizards. But she was a doctor, the doctors were good, they helped heal, right? But doctors also hurt, trying to fix and heal... Regulus wasn't sure. He didn't want to be here alone. "My name is Poppy Pomfery, what's your name kiddo?"

"I'm Re-gu-lus Ar-ctulus Black," he introduces himself sniffling, rubbing his wet eyes again.

Doctors are usually nice, they are usually good to him, so the boy relaxes a little. She shouldn't have yelled at him or hit or cursed him, he could breathe a sigh of relief. Especially since this man wasn't here anymore. He can relax, he just has to remember not to say too much lest he end up back in the hospital bed too soon. Parents would not be pleased.

"Good," she smiles "I'll go get some things, I'll be right back, okay? Try to calm down and don't go anywhere, okay,?" she speaks in a soothing voice, she doesn't want to scare the kid more.

It's already a lot of stress for him, new place new people, and hospitals are stressful in themselves for little ones.

Regulus takes a deep breath, does as she instructs, relaxes a little, and waits.

Out of boredom, he starts swinging his little legs dangling off the bed.

"What are your legs doing?" she asks, amused as she returns, a lot of different things on her tray.

"I'm sorry," he whispers panicked, she comes over extending her hand towards him "no, go away!" he backs away scared "don't want to!" he cried out.

"Calm down sweetie," she pleaded.

"No, no, no," he shakes his head panicked "I want Sirius," he sniffs.

Like children, when they are afraid, they cry for help, they cry for support and rescue. They cry and call. They usually call for their mothers. They want their mother, who will hug them and hold their hand. They call for their mother but not Regulus Black. Regulus, needing someone now, was calling for Sirius, for his big brother.

Poppy casts a diagnosis spell on him, and the boy shudders at the sight of her wand pointed at him. He cries and screams and calls out for his big brother over and over again. Poppy sighs.

He was tearing his throat out because he was scared, hurt, and needed someone to hold his hand. So he was screaming for his brother.

Poppy leaves the boy and went to the office to contact Minerva and tell her "Get the elder Black here, please," as Regulus' sad cries of 'Siri please!' could be heard in the background.

Minerva blinks in surprise.

"Is that the younger Black?" she asks.

"Much younger," Poppy sighs rubbing her temples, the boy's cry hurts not only her head but also her heart. And it's really unbearable.

Minerva doesn't ask any more questions, she'll find out when she goes downstairs with Sirius, right now the priority is to get him to the infirmary quickly.

If Poppy was asking for something, it had to be important, maybe the young Black needed a blood transfusion, or information only the family would know. Maybe.

So she goes to the Gryffindor's common room, she probably won't find him there, but it's worth starting the search there to find out where he go.

Classes have already ended so probably these marauders are already walking around the castle looking for ideas for new pranks.

They always give her a headache with their idiotic ideas, but she has to admit, if only to herself, that she loves these boys with all her heart and sends pleas to the merlin every day, begging him that they never be forced to stop being kids, so they don't grow up too fast. (but she was afraid they had already done that and her requests were nonsense).

She quickly passes the portrait of the fat lady, she had been the head of this house for years, she didn't even have to say the password for the portrait to open the passage for her.

As soon as she enters the common room of her house, it quiets down, everyone become silents, curious glances are directed at her. Everyone is curious why she came here on Thursday afternoon.

"Petergiew, Potter," she calls, sighing in relief as she spots the two, Potter and Black have never been far apart so she was lucky today, she came close to finding Sirius and she was really in a hurry today.

"Yes, professor?" James asks, he looked away from the chess board he was playing with Peter and Peter took advantage of moving the pieces around, James had a really short attention span.

"Where is Black?" she asks, they both fall silent, exchanging glances, 'do you know what he did? 'I have no idea you're his soulmate,' they seemed to say with that brief glance. Minerva sighs "He's not in trouble," she informs hoping this will prompt them to respond.

"Um, he's upstairs with Remus," Peter announces hesitantly. He couldn't stand the stress and her persistent gaze.

"Thank you," she nodded her head, heading already upstairs to the marauder's dormitory. She needs to make it quick, it's an emergency, it's important.

"Professor!" James called running after her.

"Yes Mr. Potter?" she stops reluctantly.

"Well," he coughs "Sirius, Remus, together," he explains awkwardly, about an hour ago, they kicked him and Peter out of the dormitory saying they wanted some time alone, and it's easy to guess what they meant "you know they-"

"Mr. Potter," She looks at him slightly annoyed. There's no time right now.

"You're right, I'll just call them," he smiles sweetly and run forward.

James enters the dormitory very loudly to warn his friends. He opens the door and stops in surprise.

"Are you seriously doing this," he waves his hands "when you tell us to leave and not bother you?" he blinks, looking at them, two teenagers are lying on Remus' bed, both very dressed.

Remus reads while playing with Sirius's hair, who is lying on his thighs with his eyes half closed.

It's quite a sweet and idyllic picture.

"Professor?" Remus looks up. His brows furrowed, they didn't do anything to make her come here, there's no way she could have discovered their plans for next week so it must be something else. Just what will it be?

"Oh, right," James nodded "that's why I came here, forgive me Minnie," he smiles apologetically. Minerva is disgusted (terribly happy) that the boys have reserved the right to call her "Minnie".

"Sirius," Minerva says, ignoring the rest of the boys. She just stares at him, hoping she won't be the one to break his heart.

"Yes?" he opens his eyes lazily.

"Sirius, I want you to come with me," Minerva pleads, Sirius blinks in surprise. He sits up with a questioning look on his face, why on earth would she need him "your brother is in the infirmary," she explains.

"And?" Sirius huffs, he lay down and closed his eyes again.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care

He doesn't -

"Sirius," her voice is soft, even tender "I know things aren't the best between you two right now, your relationship is complicated and all," she sighed rubbing her temples "but Poppy asked you to come, it's important," she looks at him as if she knows perfectly well that Sirius pretends that this information doesn't bother him, he is worried, he really is. After all, this is about his little brother. "There's been an accident, Regulus is in the infirmary and he keeps calling your name," she informs, that's what she knows "please put your pride in your pocket for a second and please help Madame Pomfery because he refuses to be examine until you are with him, can you do it?" she asks looking him in the eye. She sees how something shines in them, how some emotions jump through them.

Since last holidays their relationship was... it just didn't exist.

"Since when he cares about my presence," Sirius gets out of bed quite abruptly, because it must be bad if Regulus wants his presence "okay, lead the way Minnie," he hurries her.

He can pretend that he doesn't care, but the words that Regulus is in the hospital wing would freeze the blood in his veins, taking his breath away.

No matter how hard he tried, Sirius just couldn't help worrying about his brother. He was unable to do so. He couldn't not love him. Maybe that's why it hurt so much that Regulus could.

"You know that in any other situation you'd get reprimanded for that, right?" Minerva raises an eyebrow, Sirius just smiles sweetly.

They quickly go downstairs, straight to the infirmary, Minerva has opened the door for them, Poppy and Slughorn are already inside, but Regulus is nowhere to be seen.

Sirius stands there awkwardly looking around, he hasn't thought it through, because what is he going to say to Regulus? He wanted to be there for him, of course, if he needed him, he would be there for him, but what was he supposed to say to him? They weren't talking.

Poppy walks over to one of the beds.

"Sirius is here, buddy," she informs cheerfully, Sirius frowns "let's go and say hi together, shall we?" she reaches out her hand towards the small body stuck under the sheets, only the head and uncertain eyes stick out from under it.

Suddenly, it's the patter of little feet echoing through the infirmary, Sirius's eyes drop to see Regulus, but this Regulus isn't fifteen, he's somehow five.

Sirius didn't think he'd ever see his brother like this, so vulnerable.

This boy was nothing but a ball of stress and tears, his face screaming pain, sadness and somehow joy and hope, because he was about to see his big brother. His shoulders are tense as if he is carrying a heavy weight on them, it's because of the presence of adults.

Sirius can't remember the last time he saw Regulus show any emotion other than anger and disgust.

The little boy finally looks up, Sirius will ask what's going on later, for now Regulus steps back as terror flashes in his eyes, his fists clench and his eyes water, his lip trembles and his little body shrinks, as if he was trying to hide.

It hurts Sirius, that his little brother is afraid of him. It hurts to see him so small and fragile and so scared.

Regulus was not like that.

Not now, he's grown out of it.

But once, in childhood? Once Regulus was the most tender, sensitive and emotional child ever.

Sirius had forgotten that he was capable of so many emotions, for the last few years he had too much of an emotionless mask stuck to his face.

Sirius knows that Regulus was so grown now, he was so different from how he used to be. He sometimes watched him from the side and sometimes when he did, he couldn't see Regulus as the child he used to be.

But now little Reggie was here, he was here and he was afraid of him.

"Hi, hi," Sirius soothes "It's me, Sirius," he speaks softly, little Reggie sees a stranger, someone who looks like Black but is not his brother, he actually looks a lot like Orion, like his father and Regulus doesn't want to be in his office ever again. "Just a bit older," Sirius wrinkles his nose making a fun face. Little Regulus loved it, always laughed out loud.

Regulus takes a hesitant step forward, frowns and watches his brother carefully, looking for similarities.

This boy's magic surrounds him, it's similar magic, familiar one, the one that belongs to his older brother.

It is really Sirius.

Regulus wouldn't mistake him for anyone.

"Different," the boy winces, pointing to his brother face.

"And that was just mean," Sirius mumbles and rolls his eyes "hey little Reggie, I heard you don't want to let that nice lady examined you," he nods at Madame Pomfery. That's what he came here for, right? For Regulus to get tested.

"Scared," the boy sniffs, Sirius's heart breaks because hey, little Regulus is a really cute kid.

"I'll hold your hand okay?" he proposes with a soft smile, Regulus finally agrees.

Both brothers are sitting on the hospital bed, Poppy is examining the boy and Slughorn and McGonagall are talking.

"So," Sirius chimes in "what happened?" He asks "why he's small?,"

"Well," Slughorn coughed awkwardly "it was an accident with the polyjuice combination, something went wrong and well, the rejuvenation potion was made, the potion exploded and as Regulus was in the lab he became its victim, he has been de-aged."

"And how are you going to fix it?" Sirius raises an eyebrow, the little boy tightens his hand around his shirt "I'm here, I'm here," he assures tenderly, it's strange to be delicate with Regulus again.

But... it's a preschooler, a little boy who didn't deserve any evil. He deserves love, and he deserves his big brother to give it to him, too many of their family members don't have love for Sirius to hurt Regulus like that, no matter how his fifteen year old self hates him more for it. Five year old needs him and Sirius will do everything in his power to keep him safe.

"Um," Slughorn presses his lips into a tight line "there's nothing we can do, it's like polyjuice potion, we have to wait for the effect to wear off," he informs.

"And how long will it take?" Sirius stared at him.

"It's hard to tell, it was an experiment and-" Horacy started.

"How long?" Sirius demanded.

"Well, maybe 24 hours, maybe a week, maybe 24 days, it depends on the dose of the potion which I can't tell because I wasn't present at the explosion," Horace informed quickly.

"A fucking month?" his eyes went wide as he asked in disbelief.

"Mad? You're mad?" Regulus tugs at the sleeve of his shirt, looking at Sirius with those big blue eyes of his.

"No, no," Sirius shakes his head "not mad" he assures softly.

"I'm done," Poppy informs "you were a very brave patient," she smiles at the boy, he accepts the compliment blushing "he is healthy, nothing is wrong with him except being ... five," she says "you were very brave, would you like a reward? I have lollipops in my office" she informs Regulus encouragingly.

"Mom says I can't eat sweets, I'm sorry nice lady," Regulus says seriously "I'm sorry for my outburst earlier. I hope. that I haven't caused you much trouble and that you're not angry," he continues, he should apologize, he should satisfy her and make her forget about wanting to punish him.

"It's a small thing, I know it's been hard for you," Poppy smiles friendly.

"We should inform the boy's parents, have them bring him home while the potion lasts," Horace says, rubbing his chin.

"No," Who said it first Minerva or Sirius is unknown. But they both don't agree to it, they don't allow it. Letting a defenseless five-year-old into the Black's house is like throwing him to the lions.

"You can't send him home, not that parents care about this experiment at all," Sirius huffs.

"Mom's angry?" Regulus whispers. His whisper is filled with fear, and damn it hurts, children shouldn't be afraid of their parents. Sirius blinks painfully.

"She's not, don't worry," he soothed immediately. She won't hurt you, she won't hurt you. He promised. "I won't let them take him, I'll take care of him," he informs seriously, you don't often see such stubbornness and certainty in Sirius "I can handle it, he's my brother," he informs clenching his teeth, no one says anything and it's annoying, he wants to get permission from them "he won't let me go anyway," he points to the boy glued to his side.

"Sirius is almost over age," Minerva supports him, it's her boy after all.

"Well, Minerva, almost," Horace points out "it is mandatory to notify pare-"

"Wanna get in trouble Horace?" Minerva raises an eyebrow, he swallows hard "You shouldn't have left him alone in the lab, what would the Ministry say?" she asks, raising an eyebrow defiantly, Slughorn remained silent "I thought so, I will talk to Dumbledore," she informs.

"You know that's not the point, Minerva!" Horace crosses his arms.

The child whimpered at the raised voices, and Sirius instinctively placed a hand on his downturned head, running his hand through the mop of black curls in what he hoped was a soothing manner.

"Sirius, you can take care of Regulus, take him to another place, hospitals are stressful for children, I understand he doesn't need observation anymore?" Minerva turns to Poppy "in case of any problems, report to the teachers, we will inform them about the incident soon, and we will talk later Sirius," her gaze met Sirius's, he nodded.

"Hey little star," Sirius crouches next to Regulus "I'll take you to my room okay?" Regulus immediately put his hands in front of him "do you want to go up?" Sirius raises an amused eyebrow.

"Up, up!" he shouted excitedly.

"Shh," Sirius put his finger to his lips, Regulus tensed, covering his mouth with both hands, fear in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he says panicked.

"No, no, it's okay," Sirius whispers "everything okay now, I'll take care of you, we'll be safe," he promisses and kisses his brother's forehead, he picks him up from the ground, hugs him and then lays him on his side, Reggie throws his arms around his neck and giggles.

And it suddenly hit Sirius, it hit him so hard he stopped in place, it hit him that how long he hasn't heard his little brother laugh and... and how much he missed it

They go out into the corridor, Regulus buries his head in the crook of his big brother's neck, hiding from other people's gazes. It's already evening and there aren't many people in the corridors.

What worries Sirius more is that there will be a lot of people in the common room, a lot of people who will admire the cute little boy and Regulus is afraid of people and Sirius doesn't want to expose him to such stress.

"James, give me your cloak, next to fat lady," Sirius sends James a Patronus message.

A few seconds later, James runs out through the portrait hole and hands him the cloak, confused, because what does he need it for? James thought he wanted to smuggle Regulus inside, but there is no sign of the younger Black here.

Sirius, on the other hand, wraps the cloak around his torso which looks ridiculous so he sighs, holds out his hand to James expectantly, James hands him his robe even more confused. He doesn't need to understand to do everything Sirius asks in any situation.

"Ready to go," Sirius sighed, James frowns.

Regulus snuggled into his brother's chest, hiding, he's quiet just as Sirius asked for.

He can be good, he can.

"Moony!" Sirius calls out aloud as he enters the common room, Regulus tenses up, clenching his little fists on his brother's clothes "I'm sorry" Sirius whispers, stroking his head.

Remus looked at him suspiciously, shifted his gaze to James, who just shrugged, he didn't understand either.

Sirius ran up the stairs.

The boys followed him.

They expected Sirius to be weird after returning from Regulus, their relationship was complicated but it exceeded their expectations, he wasn't weird in loud and screaming way, he was calm and just weird.

They followed him into thier dorm, Sirius shut the door behind them, the whole three boys are staring at him expectantly.

"Wands to me," he holds out his hand expectantly, the boys appeal this request confused. Sirius tilts his head down and whispers to himself, it's weird "You're going to meet my friends now, okay? Three people, can you do it? I'll still be by your side, they're nice, they won't hurt you I promise, are you ready? I'm here, remember," Regulus nods slightly, so Sirius takes off James robe and unwraps the cloak.

"Did you kidnap a child?" Peter blinks in confusion as the little ball that is the little boy's head peeks uncertainly.

"No," Sirius shakes his head "say hi Reggie," he asks with a smile, the little boy waves awkwardly, he is embarrassed, his cheeks flush pink.

"This is Regulus?" James blinks in surprise, staring at the little boy with wide eyes and parted mouth.

"What a cutie he is," Peter grins.

"Was it this accident? Regulus got smaller?" Remus frowns.

"Yes, some explosion in potions made him ten years younger, it'll go away, just no one knows when," Sirius sighs heavily.

"Tired?" Regulus cups his brother's in his little hands and meets his eyes, Sirius smiles fondly.

The boys made an emotional 'aww' seeing these interactions between the Blacks brothers.

The Black brothers, even when they were on good terms with each other, did not often hug or show tenderness, probably because it was not natural in their family and no one had ever taught them tenderness.

"No," Sirius denied shaking his head gently, Reggie narrows his eyes "now I have to take care of him until he returns to normal," Sirius informs his boys.

"Did you- you suggest it yourself so they wouldn't send him home, didn't you?" James guesses, Sirius nods with sad smile.

"So now we'll keep the baby in our room, wonderful," Remus shakes his head.

"I know," Sirius looks down at the ground "but hey let's find a good side, look how cute he is," He lifts Reggie in his arms "Hi Reggie," he attracts the attention of a boy who is absorbed in examining his surroundings.

"Yes?" Reggie asks tilting his head to the side.

"Look, it's Peter, Pete has candy to share with us," Sirius starts introducing his friends "it's James, James is like kindest person ever, he's super nice, he's my best of best friends," he says with a smile, James grins and bows.

"And I?" Reggie looks at him with sad eyes.

"Oh," Sirius murmurs butting his lip "you Reggie, you're off the charts, you're my little star, remember?" he kisses the top of his head, Regulus chuckles. He couldn't break a five-year-old's heart and say they weren't friends "and this is Remus. Remus can read you a bedtime book if you ask nicely he's lovely, really," Reggie beams.

"Books!" he grins "Reggie likes books" he informs seriously.

"I know, I know," Sirius soothes his hair "let's go put you to bed, shall we?" he asks "8 p.m. is your bedtime, right?" he frowns "It was exhausting day," he sighed "We'll do a sleepover tonight, okay?" Reggie grins happily "You and me in this room okay? I'll show you my bed," he proposes.

Sirius takes Regulus to the bathroom and helps him take a bath, the little boy giggled which made Sirius' heart melt but right after Reggie broke it asking "remember not in the ears and eyes" Sirius nodded saying "I remember" with a sad smile as he suddenly realized how much Reggie was afraid of water because he was notoriously waterboarded while taking a bath when he was a child. Learn your lesson child.

"I need to brush my teeth," the boy informs seriously.

"Right, smart boy," Sirius praises, Reggie smiles, they brush thier teeth together.

Then Sirius changes one of his pajamas to fit the little boy's body and then magically transforms other clothes into a stuffed toy to make Reggie sleep better.

A cuddly toy that smells like Sirius indeed soothe him, and Reggie quickly falls asleep.

The whole thing took over an hour, it was interesting because Sirius usually can't keep his attention for long.

"I didn't think Sirius would be... you know, so good with children," Remus muttered to James, who was sitting next to him. They gathered on Remus' bed and talked about this strange situation. Remus will admit that it surprised him how quickly Sirius was able to put himself in the role of protector.

"It's weird right? I always thought he'd be so... clumsy," James admitted. Sirius had no dealings with children and when he was a child no one showed him how to take care of children properly so they really thought it would be worse.

"It makes sense," Peter puts in, the other two look at him surprised "what? Sirius knows Regulus since birth. If anyone should know what he need, it's him," he shrugs "also he knows what they both didn't get and he gives it to him now," he muttered "he knows his fears because he's been through them too, you know? So he does everything to make him feel safe, which is sweet of him, because even though he and Regulus hate each other at the moment, he will do anything for his little Reggie."

"I've only seen him be so protective of Remus," James interjects, and Remus rolls his eyes.

"Is it nice to talk about me?" Sirius asks, rubbing his eyes as he lies down on the bed, resting his head on Remus' lap.

"We're just saying how well you're doing, sweetheart," Remus smiles softly.

"I mean wow, you didn't make him cry once," Peter claps his hands.

"You're cute when you're so worried about him," James stabs his best friend in the cheek.

"Fuck off," Surius murmurs.

Sirius goes back to his bed and looks at the sleeping boy, so he's had this habit since he was a kid? Regulus sleeps flat on his back, his hands folded over his chest, like a person laid in a coffin.

Sirius lies down next to him, runs his thumb over the boy's cheek, adjusts the blanket, and lies down next to him.

It should be strange, it should be foreign and long forgotten. But Sirius thinks he'll never be able to forget it, never get the image of his little brother out of his head, never forget how Regulus used to clench his little fists on his shirt silently begging him not to leave, to stay close.

Sirius always stayed.

He had the impression that he would never forget how he checked the monsters under his younger brother's bed, even though he was terribly afraid of the dark himself, maybe even more than Reggie. But he always checked.

Sirius had always been there for his brother and he would never change that for the world.

He would love him, take care of him and care for him, kiss him and read him bedtime stories, distract him from every argument going on under the stairs, protect him from all evil and protect him from all punishments he could. He would make him toast for breakfast, look for fruit mousses in the pantry, praise his pictures, teach him about magic, give him hugs. He would do it all over and over again, this time he would know better. He'd do it better this time, and maybe then... maybe then Regulus would still love him.

Sirius knows he ruined their relationship the moment he ran away from their house. Because it was always just a house, a building, never a home, there was no love in it to be more than walls, a floor and a roof.

He had done something selfish once in his life. Maybe it was childish, wrong and inappropriate. Maybe he was risky, dumb and stupid. Maybe.

But he ran away from that house, leaving it all behind, wishing never to go back to it or think about it.

He wanted to be safe, respected, and loved. It may have been childish and selfish of him, but... he couldn't take the hate, the pressure, the shouting, the fighting, the violence, the curses, the spells and hexes any longer. He could not. So he run.

Something he would never in his life consider, only cowards run away and Sirius Black was many but not a coward. He was a Gryffindor, he was brave, he wasn't a coward.

So why did he run away?

James told him then, when Sirius knocked on the door of his house covered in blood and tears, staggering on his feet, overwhelmed by the spells he had been given, he knocked doing it far too politely despite the pain he was in, James Fleamont Potter told him then that sometimes, sometimes the bravest thing you can do is run away.

And James never lied, he was too good for that, so why should Sirius not believe him?

Sirius wanted to leave the whole Black house behind him, but never ever his little brother.

Regulus was a thing, he was the person Sirius valued above all else, who he loved above all else, sometimes he felt it was only Regulus' fault that he became a Gryffindor, it was much easier to be brave for someone.

Regulus was gentle, he was the only non-cruel thing in their house and Sirius needed that, something not cruel to love, something good to love.

He loved his little brother, even though, living his life, he shouldn't know what love is.

His mind is haunted by his childhood.

Every argument, every insult, every punishment, every spell, curse, hex, everything is too bright and fresh, everything hurts too much.

He didn't sleep very well.

In fact, he didn't sleep at all.

When Reggie wakes up the next day and Sirius is not in bed, his little mind finds it dangerous so he panics and bursts into tears.

He screams and cries and wakes up everyone in the room.

"Sirius!" the three of boys called him, as the crying turned into a childish outburst of magic.

Regulus is five years old, no wizard or witch his age can control magic. It's shocking how strong magic belongs to this little boy were, the room shook, the windows opened letting in the wind that parted the curtains, things fell to the floor, lamps flickered. It's strong.

Sirius quickly set his foot in the room again.

"Hey, hey, I was in the bathroom, I won't leave you, I promise, I'm here, I'm here," he assures quickly, the boy hiccups and gasps, still sobbing "Reggie's deep breath, as we learned," he instrustc, hates that they learned to deal with panic attacks when they were five goddamn years old. "Good job," he praises when Reggie calms down.

"I'm sorry," little boy sniffles.

"You were scared, it's okay," Sirius assures. He repaired whatever damage Reggie had done. "It's hard to counter magic, I know," he smiles reassuringly.

Regulus was a small boy whose temperament was suppressed from birth, it translated into the strength of anger outbursts, the more emotions he suppressed, the worse it was to stop the outburst and when it happened it was bad and he was punished.

There was no room for childish outbursts in the Black household. (there was no place for children at all)

James' mum always hugged him, calmed him down and showed other solutions how to deal with such big emotions, she always supported him, she always told him that his magic was beautiful.

Remus's outbursts had been steeped in wild magic since he had been bitten shortly after his first manifestation of being a wizarding child, his parents had put him under control from the start, not letting his tantrum get out of control.

Peter was a quiet and calm child who did not often make a scene to his parents, but when he did, they would fix everything with a gentle smile, assuring him that one day he would master it.

But it wasn't the same for Sirius and Regulus, they were punished, beaten and cursed for every inappropriate behavior. The children's tantrum were that too.

Sirius needed a moment to convince the little boy that he was safe, that no one would punish him, would not hurt him.

Peter covered his face with the pillow going back to sleep, James turned on his other side also falling asleep, it was a little after seven in the morning, they won't get up now if lessons start at nine.

"Hungry," Reggie informs.

"Okay, sure," Sirius rubbed his eyes "We'll get you changed and go down to breakfast," he informs him, Regulus liked to have a routine, he liked to have a plan, he liked to know what was going to happen. He didn't like surprises, he didn't like being unprepared.

Reggie cries because the socks are not what he wanted, because he doesn't like the sweatshirt, because his pants are itchy, he complains about everything, Sirius doesn't remember him being such a picky kid.

He promises himself to go down to the dungeons today and move Regulus' things here, because he will surely be more comfortable in his own clothes.

"Is someone coming with us?" Sirius asks when he's ready to leave, he hears Peter's snoring and James' steady breathing in response.

"Give me a second," Remus muttered as he walked past his boyfriend. Still a little sleepy, rubbing his eyes.

"Looking so good without trying is a crime," Sirius grins at Remus as he leaves the bathroom, Reggie looks up curiously.

"Mhm," Remus mumbles giving him a short kiss, Reggie gasped, the boys looked at him amused.

"What?" Sirius asked him.

"He gave you a kiss, on the lips!" little boy shouted, throwing his hands up "why did he do that, could he do that?" he asks confused.

"Oh yes he could, he's my boyfriend, he can kiss me," Sirius assures him which results in an "ah okay" from Regulus.

"What's a boyfriend?" He frowns after a moment.

"You see little guy," Remus looks at him "because I really, really, really, really, really, really like Sirius, I give him kisses and he's happy," he shrugs.

"Oh, you must like him a lot then," Regulus nods solemnly "and he must like you so much too because he doesn't like kisses," Reggie wrinkles his nose.

"He does not like?" Remus raises an eyebrow amused. He would argue with it.

"Look!" Reggie turns to Sirius and squeezes his cheeks, he pecked his lips as he leans forward, Sirius pulls him away before he touches his face with his slobbery baby face.

"You can't kiss me because it's Remus' job," Sirius informs "you can give ma a kiss here," He points to his cheek not wanting Reggie to be sad.

"Yey!" the boy giggles. "I wish that someday in the future someone will like me so much that they would like to kiss me too," he pouted.

"Someone will," Sirius promises and kisses his forehead.

Regulus doesn't let go of Sirius for a second, he's still glued to his side or attached to his chest, holding him tight as if he's afraid he'll disappear.

"Get on your feet now, Reggie," Sirius puts him down, he walked him up seven flights of stairs, his hands fall off.

"No, no, no !" the boy shouts.

Sirius frowns. instead of arguing with him, scaring him, shouting or punishing him, he decided to ask:

"Your legs are small, are you afraid you won't keep up?" Sirius guesses, Reggie nodded, ah "Don't worry, I'll hold your hand, we'll go slow, you won't be left behind and you won't get lost, I promise"

"He's afraid he won't... catch up with you?" Remus asks confused.

"He often couldn't keep up with parents and they didn't wait, they just left him in the crowd, so he's scared," Sirius explains.

How was that not supposed to constrict your throat and break your heart?

"Hey Reggie, why don't I hold your other hand?" he proposes "then we'll play a cool game where you can jump realy high," he informs.

Reggie winced.

"It's dangerous to jump in the corridor, the tiles are slippery, I could hurt myself but thank you for the offer, it's nice of you," he says with a polite smile and small nod.

"Are you sure he's five?" Remus looks at Sirius confused.

Regulus is a very quiet boy, abnormally well-behaved and polite. Well, not so unlike his teenager self, really, although at least he grows up to have a bit more fire. Regulus as a child is so docile that it doesn't sit well at all.

"Hey little star, we'll go into the dining room, there will be people there, but don't worry, I won't let anyone touch you, okay?" Sirius warns before opening the door, Reggie nods.

They go inside, it's practically empty, Sirius sighs with relief, he heads to the table. He put the boy next to him but that little guy still tries to climb on Sirius' lap so in the end he give up and let him stay there. Sirius puts the toast on the plate.

"Good?" Sirius asks.

"Nah," Reggie shakes his head, stretches his hand out in front of him, pointing at something on the other side of the table.

"Sure, you can eat the fruit," Sirius sighs, pulling the trays of blueberries, gooseberries and strawberries towards them.

Regulus sits straight on the bench when Sirius convinced him that he will manage and Sirius won't move an inch, later convincing him to also eat some food other than three blueberries, two strawberries and half a gooseberry (because the other half Reggie stuffed into Sirius's mouth, Sirius was sure he would throw up).

So Reggie ate sitting upright at the table, used his cutlery and didn't speak with his mouth full, napkin in his lap, he didn't make any mess. Remus wasn't sure if that was impressive or worrying.

Sirius ate his scrambled eggs and decided to share them with the boy, Regulus looked at the scrambled eggs with disgust and pushed his plate away.

Sirius frowned then sighed and handed him a new plate.

"Would you like some raspberry mousse?" Sirius offers him.

Little boy looks at the cup suspiciously but decides to try it. He smiles, licks his lips, but before he takes another bite of snack, he asks for tissues and wipes the spoon after each bite of dessert. Sirius watches him and helps him by putting a spell on his spoon so it doesn't get dirty.

"Sorry little star, I forgot how bad your sensory issues were," he announces with a sigh.

The door opens, and as always, Sirius's gaze lands on them, he sighs heavily as he sees the person he feared most.

"Slughorn said that Regulus won't be coming back to the dormitory for a while and that it has to do with you, what could you possibly do to make him decide to become a Gryffindor for a while?" Barty Crouch Jr. asks him reather meanly. If Barty could be protective of anyone, it was his friends.

Sirius blinks at him lazily, but as the little trembling hands close around his arm, he presses his lips into a tight line.

"Hey, no, don't be afraid, it's Barty, he's your friend and he's worried," Sirius explains calmly, Barty's eyes follow his words and only now seems to see the toddler at the table "as you can see, he's small and needs care so I'm sorry your sleepover didn't go the way you wanted" he said, Barty blinks.

Regulus was... a child?

Barty sits across from them and stares at the little boy, who looks back rather uncertainly.

"Are you sure he's nice?" Reggie asks Sirius seriously.

"Yes," Sirius bites his tongue and forces himself to smile, reassuringly, the words barely leave his throat "yes, Barty is very nice, he is your best friend," he says with difficulty.

"I have a friend?" The boy's eyes glow cheerfully, he gets up excitedly and leans over the table to take a look at Barty.

Reggie never thought that someone would like him so he was very happy, this joy was incomprehensible to others but Sirius understood.

"Have you changed houses?" Behind Barty another person appears, it's Evan, with them it's like with Sirius and James they are never far from each other, but on the other hand Sirius is also sure that there is more than friendship between these two.

"I have an important conversation with Reggie here," Barty informs him, still staring in shock into Reggie's big blue eyes.

Literally, half of baby Regulus's face is eyes. He looks like a doll with porcelain skin, big blue eyes, long eyelashes, and black always stylized curls.

"You know he hates it, don't say that," Evan admonishes him, but then his gaze lands on the end table "is that the little accident Slughorn was talking about?" his eyes go from Barty to Regulus to Sirius. He can't believe that Regulus is so tiny.

"What are you guys doing here?" it's Dorcas with a small smile as she appears behind her friends "You finally decided to befriend the Gryffindors? I have to tell Marlene" she grins "oh and what a cutie we have here," she smiles at the little black haired boy who blushes cutely "have you turned someone into a baby?" she asks the marauder.

"It's Regulus, and he did it rather himself, and not really on purpose," explains Barty, still not taking his eyes off the boy, as if he still does not believe.

"I decided I wouldn't be sitting at the table alone," Pandora's soft voice suddenly appears "Oh hi Reggie," she waves at him.

The little boy panicked as he climbed onto his brother's lap and buried his face hard into his chest. Sirius looked down and started rubbing his back to calm him down. "Too many people, I know," he whispers calmly "but they're all okay, they're kind," he assures "they were very worried about you," he informs.

"Friends?" Reggie asked, sniffling.

"Yes, friends," Sirius assures quietly as the Slytherin group frowns.

Evan mutters "never thought I'd see Regulus hug him", "you owe me 15 galleons," Barty informs, "shut up," Dorcas silences them, Pandora just smiles fondly.

"Hey Reggie, don't you want to say hello to your friends?" Remus asked gently, Regulus denies with his face still buried in Sirius' shirt.

"Rude," Evan huffs with an amused look.

"Rude?" Regulus asked frightened, turning to face Evan with horrified gaze in his little eyes "excuse me sir, forgive me, I didn't mean to be rude," he corrects himself, his heart beating so fast Sirius can feel it.

"You weren't being rude," Sirius assures him, right after he gave Evan an annoyed look. Being rude to the elders was punishable and Regulus didn't want that, Sirius knew "you don't have to do something you don't want to," he informs "it wasn't an order, it was a suggestion, little star," he touches his little cheek, afraid that tears will soon be found on it.

"So what?" Dorcas frowns "when will it ... stop?" she asks.

"Well, it's hard to tell, maybe today, maybe in a month," Sirius shrugs.

"You're kidding?" Barty opens his mouth in shock.

"I wish," Sirius snorted.

"Siri," Reggie whispers tugging on his shirt, Sirius looks at him and lends an ear as the boy whispers "what's their name?" He asks uncertainly.

He would like to know his friends, he would like to meet someone who found him interesting and liked him. Mom says he's too annoying to make friends, maybe she wasn't right. Reggie had four!

"Oh well," Sirius shakes his head "I present to you Pandora, Dorcas, Evan and Barty," he enumerates, pointing to them one by one.

"Pretty, pretty, funny, wierd," he lists looking at them in turn, narrowing his eyes at Barty "what's his name?"

"Barty," Sirius repeats.

"Party," Reggie frowns.

"No, Barty," Sirius shakes his head.

"Bary?" Reggie looks confused.

"No," Sirius chuckled.

"Can you spell it intested of laughing at me?" Little boy asks indignantly, putting his hands on himself.

Remus at least tried not to laugh as Evan and Dorcas just burst out laughing.

"B-a-r-t-y," Sirius spelled "better?"

"Yes," Reggie nodded.

"You can spell?" Remus asks, surprised.

"Yes, it's not that difficult," he shrugs. It is difficult, especially for children, especially for five-year-old children.

"Spell ingenious," Barty teases him, what is their surprise when the boy does it flawlessly. Sirius high fives him.

When they return to the dormitory to get the books for the day, they meet girls in the common room.

"We heard what happened," Lilly says sympathetically.

"Oh. He is so tiny how old is he, three?" Mary watches the boy with a wide smile.

"He's five," Sirius corrects.

"Do you think Blacks are naturally small?" says Marlene with a smirk, sticking her tongue out at Sirius, who gives her a middle finger in response.

Sirius doesn't feel like telling her that children who are abused grow slower.

"Siri," Reggie gasps "you are naughty!" he scolds him. Marlene and Mary burst out laughing at the words of a little boy and Sirius' indignant expression.

"He's just adorable," Lilly pouted.

Sirius gave the girls a few more moments to marvel at the boy before he went upstairs.

"Are you taking him with you?" Peter asks, frowning "He'll be bored."

"I know but what will you do? I have no choice, I can't miss class, it's already the end of the year." He sighed, taking the last book, the little boy still in his arms.

"I have time off now, I can sit with him for an hour and you know later there will surely be someone who also has a gap in the plan," he finds a solution.

"Peter, that would be great," he smiles tiredly" but you know, he won't let me go one step" he tries to push the boy away which results in instant panic, so he hugs him again "see?"

"Hm," Peter wonders.

During class, Regulus sits quietly, sitting in the pew next to Sirius, still having his hand on his arm or knee.

He's trying to be quiet and polite, but it's boring, it's very boring, more boring than home tutoring.

Regulus is bored but tries to be good and polite so he listens attentively to those difficult complicated words he doesn't understand.

Sirius notices this, slips a coloring book in his hands and turns his non-functioning pens into crayons.

"Thank you," little boy whispers.

"You're welcome," Sirius smiles.

"Please don't talk Mr. Black," Professor looks at Sirius "oh," he murmurs "I see we have a new student," he smiles kindly at Regulus which is strange, Sirius has never once seen this teacher being nice to anyone "what do you say to make our guest laugh a bit?"

The boy is causing a big sensation among the students of Hogwarts, among the teachers too. Everyone admires him, finding him extremely cute. It's a nice change from Regulus who would curse them for getting too close to him.

Regulus treats others with respect, he may be five years old but he was raised by Wlaburga Black, he will never forget what manners are.

So he tries to be polite and kind and do nothing wrong.

Sometimes he fails and then he starts shaking and panicking, but then Sirius rescues him and hugs him, and everything was fine again.

"What are you doing Reggie?" Sirius asks, the boy sitting by the window staring at the wall.

"You have a job, I'm trying not to disturb you," the boy informs him seriously.

Reggie knew that adults should not be disturbed. Work was more important than his 'stupid' whims. If he interrupted his parents in their work... he shuddered.

"You don't have to be quiet Reggie, you're a kid," Sirius ruffles his hair.

"I have to be good," Reggie argues.

"You are," Sirius frowns.

"I have to be perfect," he corrects himself.

"What?" Sirius blinks blankly at him.

"This is how you earn love," little boy informs him.

Earn love.

Earn love.

Earn love.

"No," Sirius shakes his head desperate "Reggie love is not something you have to earn" he informs with force "I will always love you no matter what, nothing can change that" he promises, it is true "you don't have to be perfect Reggie," Sirius doesn't know if he's talking to Regulus or the five-year-old in front of him right now.

Reggie is grateful for his older brother.

Sirius is always there for him and supports him, cares for him as he always does, except that he can do it a little better now that he's older, which doesn't mean it's easy.

"Reggie stop," Sirius asks "throwing things is dangerous, you might hurt someone, I know you're frustrated because what you're doing isn't going your way, but try to take a deep breath and try again, okay? If you want, I can help you," he offers, calmly catching in the air another object thrown by the angry boy. They're in Gryffindor's common room and the Marauders are trying to do their homework.

"He's gentle parenting him?" Mary frowns.

"How- how does he know how to do it?" Marlene frowns.

"Maybe he's just doing what he thinks is right," Lilly says.

"I'm here," Sirius reminds them.

Regulus is overloaded with emotions and cannot sleep on Friday night.

"Can he stop crying?" Peter asks annoyed, covering his face with a pillow.

"Should I stop?" Regulus asks quietly, the question breaking Sirius' heart.

"You don't have to stop, you can cry as much as you want, little star, you have the right," Sirius assures.

"He won't be angry? Won't he hurt me?"

"Little star, he won't hurt you, no one will, I won't let it happen, I will protect you. I promise," Sirius whispered.

This conversation is heartbreaking, this kid is only five years old and his world is already a nightmare, he's scared of everything and everyone and well, it's just hard.

It's only been two days and...

Sirius is... what can be said, tired.

He's tired of the pain, the heartache little Reggie is causing him.

He is tired of constantly returning to his childhood, haunting him with memories. He's tired of them already.

He's tired and can't cope, yesterday he cried hiding behind the curtains of the bed with Remus and muttered sniffling that he couldn't cope, that it's too hard and it hurts and he doesn't want to anymore.

But he can't say no. Not for Reggie.

Sirius has regretted many things in his life, but loving Regulus has never been and never will be one of them.

Sirius' friends really want to help him but it's hard when usually everything they do has the opposite effect than expected, Regulus is a complicated child, one word can trigger him, one gesture can lead to a panic attack. It's hard.

And Saturday is even worse than Friday.

Sirius was right, the boy does not leave him for a single step, not for a moment, so when Sirius wants to take a shower, he clings to his leg and asks him not to leave.

"Hi little star, I'll be back in five minutes. Five, look at the clock and count, okay?" he pleads, he really needs some rest, five minutes and a shower without the baby moaning in his ear, he begged. A moment of rest, just a minute.

"I have an idea," says Peter as he jumps out of his bed "James," he calls his friend and the boy in glasses appears beside him "We figured that since Reggie won't leave you alone," he's starting to explain their plan to Sirius.

"I WILL LEAVE HIM!" Regulus cries "I'll leave, I'll leave," he promises tearfully, covers his face and body with his arms and backs away in horror "I'll leave him, just don't, please," he begs, sobbing.

Sirius looks at Peter whose hand is placed on the wand, he immediately covers the little boy, whispers reassuringly to him and draws circles on his back, promising that no one will hurt him, but Regulus continues to sob.

"It's a very stupid plan," Sirius hissed.- Reggie it's good now, I got you," he assures quietly, the kid calmed down.

"We wanted," James tries to explain "Reggie," he catches his attention and crouches down next to him, holds out his hand to let the boy watch him carefully "look, I'm taking my wand," he informs, the boy denies shaking his head quickly "no, just look, see?" James gently turns it in his fingers "touch it too," he asks, Regulus does "and look now, we wanted to surprise you with Peter, nice surprise," he assures, when he and the boy hold his hand on the wand it's harder to control it but it calms Regulus because the wand is pointed at the floor and not at him, so James will gladly deal with this little inconvenience "you see these papers?" James asks, Reggie nods, James says a spell that turns them into butterflies.

Colorful butterflies that start flying around the room fluttering their wings. The little boy is hopping excitedly, smiling broadly as one of the butterflies lands on him.

"Magic!" he giggles. Tears long forgotten and replaced with joy.

Sirius smiles at them.

"Show you other tricks while Sirius is taking a bath? Look, he will be there behind the door and when you call him he will come," James promises him and Reggie agrees after a while.

"Will you make more butterflies?" he makes sure.

"Sure," James nodded solemnly.

"I like butterflies," he confessed like a big secret.

It'll get better, it's better now.

"How do you feel about singing, little buddy?" asks Peter, reaching for his ukulele, Reggie clapping his hands cheerfully.

"Learn your rules," the boy nods to a tune he knows "you better learn your rules, if you don't, you will be eaten in your sleep, roar," he giggles "Bella taught me that!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

"Okaaay, maybe something more cheerful," Peter suggests, starting to play while James begins to sing.

Reggie listens enchanted.

On Sunday, however, it's so bad that Sirius has a real breakdown, it's so bad that he knocks on Minerva's door. Always looking to her for help, she is always his last resort.

"How can I help you, boys?" Minnie asks.

"I can't anymore," Sirius blurts out "he whines all day, he's so grumpy and I have a lot of work, no one has time to take him for a while, not that he wants to stay with anyone other than me, can you move the date of my essay to another day?" he asks hopefully "I won't be able to write it today," he sighs.

"I didn't expect to get your essay on time anyway," Minerva informs "you need some rest my boy," Minerva looks at Sirius' tired face with worry "I'm starting to worry about how calm you guys have become," she informs, won't admit she misses their little pranks "I can take care of him for a while if you want," Minnie offers, the boy, hearing this, snuggled up to Sirius.

"Hey, Minnie is very nice," Sirius assures him. He was very happy with the vision of a moment of rest and oh if only Reggie would agree to it.

"I have delicious cookies," she convinces him "would you like?"

"No and thank you, please Madame," Reggie looks down "you can't take sweets from strangers," he reminds them.

"Minerva is no stranger, she is my favorite professor, can you imagine?" Sirius says with a smile.

"I'm your favorite," Reggie frowns, pouting.

"Of course you are, you're my little star," Sirius nods.

"Don't you want to stay for a while?" Minerva coaxed him.

"Hey, Minnie, show him that trick," Sirius suggests with a smirk.

"What trick?" Minerva frowns "oh" she rolls her eyes "does that little man like cats?" she asks Regulus, who looks at her curiously.

"Oh he loves them," Sirius assures.

So Minerva turns into her animagus, Regulus watches in surprise, claps his hands applauding her, curiously reaches out his hand to touch her fur.

"Reggie, will you stay a while to play with the kitty?" Sirius asks hopefully.

"I- yes," Reggie nods, giggling as the kitten bump his nose into his hand.

"Thank you Minnie, you have no idea how grateful I am," Sirius says quickly "you're the best. Reggie, whenever you want to come back to me, ask nicely Mrs McGonagall and she'll take you to my room, okay?" the boy nods, not really paying him attention, too focused on spoiling the kitten.

Sirius has a full hour of peace before Reggie enters the room, rubbing his tired eyes with his fists.

"Thank you so much Minnie," Sirius smiles gratefully at her.

"It was a pleasure Mr. Black," she assures him "I hope to see you again Regulus," she waves cheerfully to the boy who answers her with a grin.

The boy begins to trust others than just his brother, which is true Sirius is still at the top of the people he needs, but it's better. Much better.

Sirius can go to the toilet without hearing screaming or crying, he can go to the kitchen without carrying the little boy with him, he can be with Remus without the presence of a five-year-old for a while.

And now he's even gone to Quiditch practice, after convincing the boy that when he comes back, they'll let him on a broom too.

Remus promised to take care of him. He offered to read to him.

Regulus liked when Remus read.

Sirius would lay on his boyfriend's stomach and Reggie would lay on his brother's chest and they both would listen to Remus's voice, who told stories from Muggle fairy tales for children.

Regulus liked Remus, for Sirius it was a relief, for James it was obvious, because everyone likes Remus and Remus? Remus wanted to cry because hey, children and animals don't lie, and if the little boy thought he was safe and not dangerous... it made his heart melt.

Regulus scrambles up the bed, sits across from Remus, watches him closely, climbs higher and pulls up the hem of his pants, Remus watches him curiously.

"What are you doing, little guy?" he asks, his pants tucked all the way up to his knee, Regulus is running his little fingers along one of the scars on Remus's calf "what's that?" Remus asks again, trying to get his attention.

Regulus stares at him for a moment, then rolls up the leg of his pants as well.

"Look we match," He smiles and points to the scar on his own calf.

Remus's heart aches, he's only five years old, and that scar looks like a very painful wound. He's five, what could he be punished so severely for? He's just a kid. Little kid.

"We do," he smiles softly instead of crying.

It's monday and Peter's plan is slowly starting to work, Sirius manages to gradually leave Regulus with the others for short moments, in the end it is hours.

Reggie gets used to new people, spends time with them under the watchful eye of Sirius, with his presence and later even without Sirius.

Sirius visits him after every lesson, every break, takes him with him to meals and spends evening with him (or with more people if Reggie wishes so).

It was better.

Reggie made himself comfortable in the marauders' dormitory, played and chatted with them, felt more confident and better in their company now.

He even let James hold him (don't tell anyone but James was his favourite), climbed on top of Remus and snuggled to him, and he and Peter looked at picture books of various flowers. He loves it. His little heart was happy.

He also often stays with Pandora, he likes her the most. Together with her, they make friendship bracelets, pick flowers in the meadow and take walks, she is so kind and loving to him.

Dorcas has found some baby toys for him, so when he's with her he plays with dinosaurs and a tea set as well as stuffed animals and figurines. That's cool. And in addition, she took a lot of pictures of him at every step, she knew that he would hate her for it when he came back to himself but did she care? Little Reggie was so cute.

When Barty is looking after him, (Regulus usually winces at seeing him, which greatly amuses Sirius), then Barty lets him fly a real broomstick, it's their secret, such a secret that Reggie shouted it out to Sirius as soon as he saw him again. Barty lets him eat ice cream and basically treats him as an equal because he doesn't know much about kids so he does what he always does with Regulus. Have you ever gossiped with a five-year-old? Barty did.

Evan taking care of him takes him to the library and Regulus's eyes always shine brightly, Evan drives him in a book cart down the aisles and he giggles but Mrs. Prince never pays attention to them because little Reggie is a cutie when he reaches out for more books.

Lilly read fairy tales for him and he was delighted with the color of her hair.

Mary played games with him, which he liked very much because she made a funny face when she lost.

Marlene liked to play hairdresed and coffee shop with him, she would let the boy paint her nails and he would be happy then.

So Regulus finds himself in their company more and more and better.

He no longer shrinks at every loud sound, no longer trembles when someone reaches for thiers wand, no longer cries when someone makes a sudden movement.

He don't panics being left alone without Sirius and he feel safer. He does not follow every command given to him with fear and is not afraid that if he does something wrong, he's not scared that he will be punished.

Honestly, Reggie didn't know if it was a good thing that he let his guard down, he couldn't take anything for granted, what if they suddenly stopped being nice to him? Even his mother used to hug him sometimes.

Sirius can't bring himself to so much as scold him, yell at him or punish him, he couldn't do that not when he knows what that little boy has been through and what he's going to go through.

Of course, sometimes it was still bad but it was much better compared to last days.

"What are you doing here, little guy?" Remus asks, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up. A little boy climbing onto his bed woke him up.

"I had a wet dream," the boy mumbles as he lies down next to him.

"You had," Remus stops himself from bursting into laughter "oh," he realizes what it can means from a child's mouth "but you're okay now?" he asks, Reggie nodded.

"Sirius is changing the sheets, he said I should go, I'm afraid he's angry, he said he's not, but parents were always angry with accidents and I don't know," he whispered.

"I'm sure he's not angry at you, he's nicer than your mom," Remus smiles.

"I think he's tired of me," Reggie whispered closing his eyes and returning to the land of dreams.

Remus was slightly glad that the boy had fallen asleep, because what was he supposed to say to him?

When tuesday strikes, James has a plan.

"Hey little lion man, I have a great plan for today," James informs with a wide smile, Reggie looks at him curiously "let me tell you in your ear," he makes it a secret which amuses the little boy who giggles covering his mouth with his little hands, James finds it terribly cute "we'll make a surprise for Sirius, what do you say?" the boy nods eagerly "we will bake cupcakes for him!" he proposes, Regulus squeals with happiness "and of course we'll play together, sounds good?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Reggie nods his head and jumps up cheerfully.

"So we have to throw Sirius out of the room so he doesn't know our surprise, what do you think?"

"No," Reggie pouted.

"But don't worry, maybe hmm, maybe he should go with Remus for a walk to the cafe what do you think?" he asks, pretending he just got the idea and hasn't been trying to figure out how to approach the boy for two days.

"Sirius likes coffee," Reggie informs, frowning in thought "okay," he nodded, James clapped his hands.

So James went to inform Remus that he could take his boyfriend on a date (they hadn't been on a date since the accident, before that they had dates every day and James was a good friend, okay?).

Later, he promised Sirius that he would take care of Reggie and that they would have a great time and that he should not worry, Sirius agreed because hey, he trusted no one more than James.

So James started his adventure with Regulus from coloring, it's some Muggle movies, some red car with eyes and mouth, it looks funny but James likes it. It has lightning bolts on the side.

They colored, then they roam the castle, Reggie sitting on James' shoulders giggling because he's soooo tall.

James takes him to the library and they read together in the soft armchairs.

Later they go back to the room to change and have a pillow fight, then James takes the boy outside, it's warm and sunny, they have a picnic, he feeds the boy fruit and he runs around the lake with him, they also pass a ball and then they sit on a blanket and James teaches the boy how to make a wreath.

When James finished the wreath of daisies, he placed it on Regulus's head, like a crown, the boy smiled broadly in response and climbed onto his lap.

Regulus cups his cheeks in his little hands and places a loud peck on his lips, quickly turns around and runs away giggling.

James chuckles and shakes his head.

The most important part of the day comes, they go to the kitchen and ask the elves to help them too, together they make the dough for cupcakes, Reggie asks if he can decorate them, James of course agrees.

By the time they finish it's late evening, they carry the cupcakes on tray and go to the room along with the hot chocolate for Remus and Reggie.

When bedtime comes, Regulus climbs onto James' bed and lies on older boy back, peering over his shoulder.

"Reggie likes quiditch too," little boy informs whispering in his ear.

"Oh hey Reggie," James turns his head and smiles at the boy. "Quiditch is great, isn't it?" He smiler even wider.

"I want to sleep here," the boy mumbles sleepily.

"Sure, why not," James smiles.

So Reggie stayed in James's bed.

"Reggie where are you?" Sirius frowns as he looks around the room, it's been a while since Reggie disappeared from his sight.

"Sorry mate, but I think he has a new favorite," Peter snorts with laughter, pointing his finger at James' bed where both James and Reggie were lying, both asleep.

Sirius looks at the sleeping little boy and smiles slightly. It's good to see him so calm, it's good to see him happy, (and he's also happy to see James wake up with baby saliva in his hair too).

Remus pats the spot on the bed next to him, Sirius takes the offer.

It is irritating how often Sirius hears his name, how often Reggie calls out "Siri!", it's tiring to attend to a child's needs, especially since Sirius is still a child himself.

It tires Sirius mentally, because he is constantly forced to return to unwanted, unpleasant memories and emotions, it is difficult because he goes to Grimuald Place and is left there alone, again, every look at the boy breaks his heart.

It's exhausting, it's hard but not complicated. Taking care of him is tiring but not difficult.

It's tiring but not difficult.

It is not difficult.

It's not hard to hug Regulus when he cries or soothe him when he's scared, it's not hard to keep him busy, it's not hard to hear him speak and heed his opinions.

It's not difficult.

Then why the hell couldn't his parents do that? They were older and more mature, they should be better.

Why weren't they?

Was it really that hard to give a little boy a kiss on the forehead so he wouldn't have nightmares? Was it so hard to explain in words that he had done something wrong? Was it really that hard to listen to him when he needed something? Was it really that hard to hold him when he was sad, to hold him in arms or to make him smile?

Was it really that hard to love him?

It was not.

Sirius knew it wasn't and that made it hurt more. It fucking hurt.

Why couldn't he get love when he was little? It's really not that hard to show affection to a child. Really it is not.

"Siri? Are you crying?" Reggie whispers softly.

"No, no," Sirius shakes his head "I'm not crying" he assures.

"Siri?" Reggie called for his brother attention once again "I want you to know" he begins seriously "that you are my favorite person in the world and I love you so much" he informs.

Maybe Sirius was sad because Regulus had spent very little time with him today and spent the day with James instead, maybe Sirius missed him. His small head and small heart made him assure Syeius that he loved him because he loved him, he really did.

"I'm you're favorite person?" Sirius asked through tears.

"Yes you are," Reggie nodded solemnly "and you always will be, I promise," Sirius bites his lip, he doesn't want to cry in front of the boy but it hurts, it hurts a lot, because in ten years that promise will expire, because today that promise is invalid "pinky promise," he sticks his finger out in front of him.

"Reggie wait," Sirius pleads "good night," he kisses him on the forehead, covers him with a blanket, and leaves.

He locks himself in the bathroom and cries, sits on the floor and cries, he can't calm down, because it's not fair, it's so terribly unfair. It's not fair so he's crying crying tearing his throat and shedding tears, hoping that the sadness and pain will go away with them, crying curled up like a baby because his heart hurts so bad.

The pain was unbearable, as if a thousand tiny needles had pierced his heart at once, as if they had slowly but surely pierced it through.

It hurts and the pain is choking him.

Why did Sirius lose it? Why did he lose his baby brother? Why? Why is this promise invalid? Why can't Sirius get it back? Why aren't they brothers anymore? Why? He wants to hear his laugh again. He wants to be in his life again. He wants to love him and be loved by him, why can't he?

Why has everything gone bad?

Where has his little boy gone?

Because Regulus was Sirius' boy.

He never was Mommy's or Daddy's boy, he always was Sirius' boy.

Sirius felt his heart shatter into a million pieces because it was one thing to lose and another to realize the loss. And the second one hurt more.

It's a feeling of helplessness, because he can't get it back, he's lost it forever.

Sirius doesn't know if he loved or hated his brother. He wasn't sure if they had grown up together or if he had raised Regulus. He wasn't quite sure if Regulus was his best friend or worst nightmare. All he knew was that his Reggie had gotten taller when he was gone.

Sirius wanted to beg for Regulus to follow him again, to annoy him, for them to calls each other names again and then cuddle.

He wanted his little brother back.

"Sirius?" he heard a soft knock on the door "Is everything alright?"

"No," Sirius sobbed and the door swung open with a soft creak. "I want him back"

"I know," Remus went inside, Sirius is a ball of despair and sadness, it hurts. "we are all waiting for it to go back to normal"

"It's not that," Sirius informs faintly "I want him back," he snuggles into Remus, shivering and wetting his pajamas with tears "I want my brother back," he whispers tearfully.

Because it hurts. It hurts to see someone you knew better than yourself, someone you cared about and most of all, someone you loved. It hurts to see him and know that it's over, that it doesn't matter anymore.

Knowing that Sirius has lost him forever, that he doesn't know him anymore, that they don't talk, that he doesn't know his favorite color, that he can't help him, that he can't hug him. This realization hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts.

The next day comes quickly, the next day is a full moon and as evening approaches Sirius has a dilemma.

"Sirius, calm down, it's okay, we'll manage," his friends assure him.

"I can't leave you Moony," Sirius shakes his head, the wolf would be disappointed not to have his best companion, Sirius couldn't let Remus get hurt because of it.

"You can't leave him either," Remus nodded at Reggie, who was drawing sometching right now.

"I will- I'll figure something out, I'll find a solution," Sirius promises them.

And he finds, he always did.

He convinces Reggie to "sleepover", he promises that he and his friends can have a pajama party and go to bed later and even eat sweets.

Reggie is very excited when he goes to the slytherin dormitory with pajamas packed in a bag. Pandora is waiting for him at the door, if not for her presence Sirius would be afraid to agree.

And somehow he managed, Sirius always managed somehow.

It was already thursday and Regulus was again at Madame Pomfery's hospital bed. Week has passed.

"Are you sure that this potion wears off? Is it weakening? Nothing changes," Sirius stares at Slughorn.

"Well, it's hard to tell," he purses his lips.

"We'll have to check it every day," Poppy sights.

"For Merlin's sake," Sirius muttered, pinching his fingers at the base of his nose.

Little Reggie waved merrily with his feet that didn't touch the floor. He sang a song under his breath, it's a lullaby, it's a lullaby that Sirius sang for him.

"Sirius, if this is too hard for you," Poppy begins "if you can't handle it," she says.

"I'm doing just fine, thanks for your concern," he snorted.

Sirius was obviously in a bad mood so Reggie decided to cheer him up, so when they got back to the common room he reached for some crayons.

Sirius sat on the sofa watching him with a smile, then shifted his thoughts to talking to his friends.

Reggie ran over to him with a piece of paper in his hands, giggling, a wide smile on his lips.

"Siri look!" he exclaimed cheerfully "Look! I did it myself, it's for you," he declares with a smile "is it you and me together, is it a nice picture? Pretty?"

"So pretty Reggie," Sirius smiles.

"Can you hang it somewhere?" Reggie asks, it's just crooked lines and circles imitating two stick figures, but somehow it's a valuable gift for Sirius.

"Of course, little star, choose a place," he proposes.

Time passes quietly, lessons are loose because the holidays are getting closer and the days are merging into one. It is a peaceful idyll, days full of laughter and joy. Sirius and his friends organize a lot of picnics and do a lot of cool things.

It's good.

Why Regulus always finds evenings as perfect moments for important questions and raising serious topics?

"I'm a good boy Sirius?" Reggie asks him at thursday night, yawning "Am I good?"

"Yes, my little star, you're good, you're very good," he assures with a smile.

"Okay," he nodded "I believe you Sirius," his older brother never lied to him, of course he belives him "and do you think it will always be like this? Will I always be good? I want to be good. Tell me Siri, am I good?" He asks sleepily.

"I hope Reggie, I hope so," Sirius says, tears gathering in his eyes.

"You don't know?" he frowned in surprise, Sirius always knew the answers to his questions.

"I know you're good Reggie, I want to believe it even if it's hard sometimes," he informs but not this boy in front of him but his brother. Always his little brother.

"So you don't know for sure," he frowns why? Don't we like each other anymore?" He asks sadly "Siri, I don't want us to be far apart," he pouts his lip.

"I know, little star, I know I don't want that either," he says, sniffling.

"So why did we let this happen?" he asks, but hears no answer because he already falls asleep.

'This little boy will kill my mental health' Sirius thinks as he falls asleep.

There's something Sirius wants to say to his brother while he has the chance, because if tomorrow everything will change if everything goes back to normal...

"Reggie, look at me, okay? Listen to me carefully," he crouched next to the boy and took his little hands in his "I love you, I love you so much and I want you to remember that, always, no matter what happens, no matter how bad we get or how far away we will be I will always love you, remember that, okay? Can you do this for me?" Reggie nodded solemnly "You are the most precious person in my life and that has never changed and never will. Reggie I love you," Sirius isn't sure Regulus will remember that but he wants him to know, he needs him to know that.

Sirius can't lose his little brother, not again.

There is a long silence, broken by tears slowly rolling down Sirius' cheeks and Regulus's small hand wiping them away.

"Why are you crying?" he asks quietly "Love is a good thing, Siri you silly," little Regulus reminds him "I love you too, forever," he stuck his little finger forward, "pinky promise?" he asked, Sirius smiled through tears and joined his pinky with his little brother.

Sirius' heart breaks into small pieces.

Friday, 8 days after the accident everyone gathers in the infirmary, Regulus is lying on the hospital bed bored to death and complaining.

It's 4:00 p.m., the hour of the accident, and everyone is waiting in suspense.

Little Regulus starts to panic when a blue fog appears around, Sirius reassures him "I don't want to!" cried the child sadly. A blue mist fills the room as it dissipates to reveal a confused fifteen-year-old boy who faints as soon as he opens his eyes.

"Is he okay?" Sirius asks in panic.

"Let me check it, Sirius," Pomfery pleads, begins diagnosing the younger boy.

After a few minutes Regulus regains consciousness, Sirius talks to Poppy, she assures, that he just needs rest, that he's fine, just tired and shocked.

Regulus, on the other hand, decides that he will never, ever open his eyes again.

It's so humiliating.

He won't dare look at anyone ever again, it's so embarrassing he feels so pitifully.

Because for Merlin's sake, what happened here?

Regulus had been a bloody baby for over a week. He behaved below his own dignity, he was all so... needy and demanding and tearful.

He allowed people to carry him in their arms, he demanded it. He cried and sobbed and fall into hugs. Disgusting.

He just couldn't bear it.

He was so... pathetic as a kid.

He ran and giggled and screamed and cried and didn't even want to mention any embarrassing moments like every bath he'd had, or how he always required someone to go to the toilet with him. Oh how he thanked the Merlin that his clothes had been magically shrunk so they had magically grown with him today.

Whenever he thought about how much he marveled at the damn little things and how often he smiled, he wanted to vomit. It was embarrassing.

Regulus felt humiliated.

Most of all, how much he wanted and needed Sirius, how he never left his side and how often he hit him in the face with how much he loves him and will never stop.

In addition, little Regulus was so clingy to people he trusted. He kissed them and hugged them and was all kind of touchy.

It's disgusting.

It's so disappointing that Regulus wished he could forget it. Forget?

Oh, he had a plan.

"Reggie? I know you're not sleeping," Sirius says at his side, Regulus have to open his eyes to look at his stupid face.

"Maybe I'm just feeling your presence and waiting for you to go," he tells him bitterly "and don't call me that," Sirius winces at his harsh tone, little Reggie didn't have it yet, hadn't mastered it, couldn't use it. Sirius missed it. "Where's Pomfery? What am I doing here? And what the hell am I here for? I'd like to know," he says, pretending to be slightly confused "and why you're here, huh?"

Sirius blinks painfully.

Regulus regrets it for a moment as pain crosses Sirius's face. He regretted it but didn't do anything about it.

"Oh, Regulus, you're awake, well, let's quickly check if everything is okay and you can go back to your place," she smiles politely "Sirius, maybe leave us alone," she asks, frowning at the strong emotions emanating from Regulus.

Involuntarily she thought about last week where little Reggie had begged for Sirius' presence and had not let go of his hand during the examination. Now she had to ask him to leave, while then she had begged him to come.

So Sirius left. Something in his eyes looked like he had a broken heart.

"I'm all good, I promise," Regulus sighs. He has a long conversation with Slughorn waiting for him.

"I know," Poppy nodded "if you need anything, you know where to find me," Regulus nodded quickly "okay, you can go," she sighed, so he went away.

Oh poor boy.

Regulus kicked the edge of one of the hospital beds, a flurry of curses escaping him that would make even his father blush as his whole foot erupted in pain.

This wasn't like him, this anger.

Or rather this lack of control with it. He was better than this. Sirius was the one who had a poorly controlled lid on his emotions, but Regulus was better.

He was supposed to be better.

He should be better.

He returned to his dormitory and immediately threw himself on his bed, screaming into the pillow.

He still felt as helpless as a little kid.

"So what? We heard you don't remember," Barty grins at him.

"Barty, I remember everything too clearly," Regulus hissed "I was de-aged not brainless," he muttered grimly.

"Yeah! Good old Regulus is back!" Evan calls out unenthusiastically.

"Don't think I don't remember what you did Bartholomew," Regulus ignores Evan in favor of killing Barty with his gaze.

"But you looked so cute in the lion costume!" Barty throws up his hands "Dorcas has pictures, you can see- oh I split on her didn't I?" Regulus huffs "Anyway" he shakes his head "someone's grumpy here, do you need a–"

"Don't say that, you will only slide," Evan warns, pats him on the shoulder but Barty ignores him.

"Nap," Barty finished with a mean smile "someone here needs a nap?" he used that irritatingly high-pitched cute voice where you talk to animals or small children.

"You're dead Crouch," Regulus speaks, his voice cold but calm.

Regulus closes the curtains to his bed, but when he goes to pick up some of his books, he realizes to his horror that his belongings have been left in the Gryffindor tower.

There's no way he'll show up there. Too many people out there had their hands on his body in the last week.

He wants to cry.

It was so childish of him that he winced in self-disgust.

He sent his friends there. He smirks informing Barty that he would then decide whether to strangle him in his sleep or not.

So Barty reluctantly climbs to the top floor of the castle and enters through the portrait of the fat lady, knowing the password, because he often picked up Regulus from here recently. He went to the marauder's dormitory.

"Hey hey!" he greets cheerfully "I know, you are delighted with my presence, you don't have to applaud," he assures bowing low "I came for Regulus' things so," he went to Sirius' bed.

James and Peter aren't inside, just Remus lying on his bed and stroking Sirius' hair, Sirius's face buried in his boyfriend's belly.

Barty's smile drops suddenly, he really doesn't want to see him cry.

It's hard for him to admit it, and he'll never get it down his throat, he won't say it out loud, but he liked Sirius.

Sirius Black was fine person.

Barty had watched Sirius care for Regulus, and there was something... something about it that was so sincere that Barty couldn't believe the two of them had lost it.

Feeling awkward, he quickly threw whatever he could get in his hands into Regulus' bag.

"Um," he coughed awkwardly "if you want to know, he's fine, moody but," he muttered as he left.

Barty returns to the dormitory and gives Regulus his belongings. He receives a thank you and a nod.

Barty pauses, thinking that he would like to get a smile. Reggie had a sweet smile, it occurred to Barty that Regulus didn't smile, maybe he had seen it a few times, not to mention the laugh, to get a genuine laugh from him... it was impossible, Regulus could only smirk but not smile. He can do it ironically but...

It is true that he smiled in their company, with friends, they were small smiles, but they existed.

Like when Pandora gave him a friendship bracelet, or when Evan told a joke, when Dorcas took him outside or when Barty teased him.

But on a daily basis, Regulus was cold. His demeanor was always cool and repulsive, like a snow queen - his friends likes to laugh.

Barty would like to see what a happy boy Regulus would be if his life wasn't so hard. He would like to see his sincere smile, he already missed it.

"Hey, it's dinner time," Evan peeks into Regulus' bed.

"I'm not going," Regulus informs simply.

Barty starts to worry.

"He has to deal with it, to organize his thoughts and all, it was a difficult time not only for us," Pandora defends him during dinner "maybe we should come? Dorcas?" She looks at her.

"We'll bring him something to eat," Dorcas agrees.

Their conversation is interrupted as they look back from across the hall, a couple of seventh year Gryffindors look at them questioningly, they just shrug their shoulders with a crooked smile in response, because what are they supposed to say?

Regulus didn't want to be here.

So after dinner the whole group meets in the dormitory by Regulus.

They talk together and his friends laugh about what's been going on lately, how little Reggie didn't like Barty and how he criticized Evan's outfit, how shy he got around Dorcas and how he admired Pandora.

Regulus doesn't laugh, he looks almost offended.

Little Regulus was incorrigible, imperfect, incorrect. Regulus hated him. Little Regulus was unworthy, he had many features worth condemning, punishing. Maybe he was punished for them for so long that he finally changed them and stopped being his real self.

Regulus wondered if he even remembered how to be himself. He's always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind him who he's supposed to be, so it's easier to remember who he is, but now? He can't remember who he really is anymore. The last vacation had changed him.

He was afraid that some changes were irreversible, he was afraid that some parts of himself would never be regained.

He was afraid that he would not be able to be the same, that he would no longer be able to try, try to be good. If this year turns out to be like last year... Regulus can't be sure of anything.

He hates the little version of himself who reminded him how to be happy. Happiness is a thing very quickly taken away from anyone who has it in the Black house.

Regulus was afraid to have it again, taking this joy. Whenever he allowed himself to be happy, everything was destroyed so quickly.

Every time he allowed himself to be happy, something bad happened.

Regulus feared that now it would be harder for him to go back to being the indifferent cold version of himself.

"Don't be a baby about it," Evan rolls his eyes "you're acting worse than when you were-"

"Shut up Evan," Regulus doesn't want to go back to that. He wants to forget.

"Oh no, what a tragedy, there was an accident that no one had control over, and oh no, people discovered that everyone was once a child, even that scary and evil Regulus Black," Dorcas gasps "Oh what a tragedy! Terrible terrible," she rolls her eyes "People saw that Regulus had a heart, what now?" she asks, feigning horror.

"That's not the point, of course it's derogatory, humiliating and embarrassing for him, because people saw him without a mask, as so human and vulnerable, but it's not about that, he can deal with that, it's enough that he scares them a little, and soon people will forget all about it and get busy with something else, but it's about Sirius, isn't it?" Pondora looks at him.

Regulus is sometimes frightened by how much she can see through him.

"What about Sirius?" Regulus huffs.

His brother, his older brother—no. they were no longer brothers.

"Hey, he used his name," Barty points out, something Regulus has done very rarely in the last year.

"Stop it," Regulus orders. His head hurts, he doesn't want to think about it now, doesn't want to think about Sirius.

"Come on, where is the little happy boy," Dorcas asks pouting, she takes pictures out of her bag "look," she hands Regulus one of her favourites.

Reggie stares at the camera with a wide grin, his eyes shining and he giggles and buries his face in his small hands.

Regulus looks at his wide smile and sparkling eyes, knowing full well that if he looked in the mirror today, he wouldn't find it.

That spark has long since faded.

What has he become?
Where is the young boy now?
Where is he?
Where is his joy?
Where is his smile?

Was Regulus ever a child?

No. An heir. A trophee.

This is what Regulus is.

Never again. Just a thing, a pawn.

You can use him, use him and put him away. You can play with him, you can hurt him, you can threaten him, you can hit him, you can curse him, you can do whatever you want with him, he's just a puppet, a puppet in a theater acted by his mother. And he's too weak to fight it.

So he plays his part as best as he can, trying to keep the last bits of his soul, the last bits of himself.

Looking at the young boy in the picture, Regulus just asks himself if he could ever talk to this little kid, still hoping one day things will be good.

If only he could hug the young boy. If only he could save young Regulus.

But he lost himself long ago

"He doesn't exist anymore," Regulus isn't proud of how small his voice came out.

"Oh and that's a lie, Regulus, that's a bulshit," Dorcas informs "you still have it in you, you can't deny it, not with how how you still admire butterflies."

He remains silent.

They dropped the subject, they'd come back to it later when Regulus calmed down and cleared his mind.

Evening comes and Regulus searches for his pajamas in his bag, his gaze lingering on the toy. On the stuffed animal Sirius had made for him on the first day.

He blinks, swallowing the tears that stubbornly want to flow to his eyes.

His big brother–

no.

When he comes back from the shower and lays down on the bed, he reaches for the mascot and turns it over in his hands, it's a cute black dog and well, it smells like Sirius and it's a soothing scent that will let Regulus get rid of his nightmares even today.

He snorts as he examines the toy, but something in his chest tightens.

The next day you can find Regulus in his bed clinging to Sirius' sweatshirt, because the charm of the toy has already come off.

Regulus blinks as he stares at the fabric, it's his brother's favorite thing for years and he gave it to him? Just to make him feel better?

He's so fucking-

Lovely.

Regulus is mad at Sirius for treating him so well, for looking after him and taking care of him, and for being as damn patient and good at it as the fucking protector he always was to Regulus, making Reg feel good and aroused love, a lot of love.

Regulus knows he still has it inside him, he knows he doesn't hate Sirius, he knows he's incapable of it, he couldn't hate his brother. Sirius was too good for that. Regulus knows he loves him but at the same time he knows that he can't, he shouldn't. It's complicated, okay?

He hate him, but he also made a promise to always love him, didn't he?

"Everyone's staring," Regulus muttered as he looked back down at his toast, eyes from every direction tearing holes into his skin. He fought against shuffling in his seat, fists clenched in his lap to stop the tremors. He can't shake, he's almost a damn adult. He can't–

Even now he could hear his mother's voice ringing in his ears.

Back straight.

Look straight ahead.

Chin raised.

Do not be a disappointment.

So he did.

If he goes home tomorrow, he needs to get back to his old self quickly.

Most people, seeing this sharp, annoyed look of Regulus Black, look away so as not to get under his skin, no one wants to have a dispute with him.

One glance still remains fixed on him.

Regulus feels it and knows it all too well.

So he's not at all surprised when Sirius blocks his way a few minutes later.

"Can I help you somehow?" he asks, raising an eyebrow with that characteristic grimace on his face.

Sirius is silent for a moment.

Regulus is surprised because his brother was anything but quiet.

But when Sirius comes back to himself shaking his head, it's violent and it's a punch to his stomach, Regulus hissed.

"What the fuck?" he asks, looking up.

"How could you? How could you do this to him!? How dare you do this? How dare you!? What right did you have to do this to him!?" he yells over and over again hitting him, it's chaotic and lighter with each hit, Regulus will be left with bruises on his ribs but he's too confused to care and stop Sirius right now. "How could you do this? How dare you do that? Why? Just... tell me why?" he asks his voice trembles "How dare you take his smile away," he sobs as he hit one last time "how dare you give it up, how dare you do this to my little brother," he trembles, his eyes full of tears and his cheeks wet.

It hurts. It's just a sad sight and it breaks Regulus' heart.

Sirius stands in front of him with his head down, as if trying to hide his feelings. He's so sad... Regulus hesitantly puts his hand out in front of him and takes Sirius's hand in his, Sirius sniffles and squeezes it in response.

Regulus pulls him violently and rubs his back up and down to calm him down, he hugs him tight and maybe only now does he realize how much he missed it and how much he needed it.

It hurts. Regulus's head hurts, his throat hurts, his heart hurts. His heart hurts like hell.

Sirius is crying because of him and Regulus is five years old again hugging his older brother after not the first encounter with his mother's curses.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers. Sirius's face is buried in his shoulder and Regulus doesn't know what he's apologizing for but he's sincere, maybe he's apologizing for robbing the little boy inside him of a smile, maybe for that.

"You were, you were so happy and cheerful as a child," Sirius sobbed.

"We both know I wasn't," Regulus shakes his head slightly. Here he had a chance because he was safe, because he had the opportunity to be like this. But when were they really children? He was not.

"You were," Sirius argue "I remember you were," he says desperate "I remember the same smile I saw two days ago, it wasn't often but it was, Reg it was here, it's still there. Please say it is," his voice is tear-stained and choked.

Regulus swallows hard, dealing with sad Sirius is a difficult task, Regulus isn't sure he can handle it.

"I'm sorry Sirius," he whispers.

"You couldn't change that much," Sirius pleads, Regulus is breaking his heart and he doesn't want to. "You're my little brother"

"I'm sorry," Regulus whispers again.

"You can't do this to him, you can't," his voice breaks "little you wouldn't forgive you," Sirius sobs still trembling and Regulus can't take it anymore, tears welling up in his eyes too.

"I know," he agreed. But Reggie isn't here anymore, maybe... maybe he died that day Sirius disappeared from his life.

He wishes he could talk to his younger self. He'd gaze at his naive smile and starlit eyes, bitterness would rise in his chest when he'd think of the pain he would go through. How his eyes would grow dull. His hands would look too small to carry that weight and yet they would. But still, he'd kneel before him and with tears in his eyes he would whisper, 'I'm sorry,'. Only if he could.

"You can not do this," Sirius begs, Regulus is not sure what he means "I won't let you go back there Reggie, I won't let you hurt yourself again," he promises, his voice broken.

Regulus doesn't know what to say, how to react. Because why suddenly 'I'll wait for you', that Reg cried the night Sirius ran away turned into 'I got you, I got you big brother, and I won't let go, not this time'.

Regulus pulls away and Sirius panics, he can't let him go until he tells him everything he wants to tell him, and he wants to tell him so much. But Regulus pushes him away, Sirius is ready to run after him, this time he will drag him by force, this time he won't let him go.

He won't–

But Regulus doesn't run away, he stands in the same place, Sirius looks at him uncertainly, Regulus sticks out his hand, Sirius blinks in surprise.

"I love you," Regulus whispers.

'Pinky promise' from their childhood has its power again, Sirius hope for it, because that's why he connects his little finger with Regulus's and laughs through tears saying:

"I love you"

"Don't cry, love is good you silly," Regulus would have whispered back himself with tears in his eyes and on cheeks.