“Goodnight Prongs,” Sirius leaned forward, and cupped James’ face softly, before pecking him on the mouth, smiling against his lips. James was smiling too.
“Goodnight Pads.”
Sirius smiled frankly, nodding, before closing James curtains. Then, he walked to Remus’ bed, before climbing in his bed. “Hi pretty.”
Remus looked up to him with his brown eyes shining in the dark; truly, he was beautiful, hair splayed on his pillow, his big hands clutching on the sheets. Sirius smiled down at him, admiring him for a bit. But quickly, he noticed something was wrong.
Firstly, Remus wasn’t answering Sirius. But he was also looking sullen, slightly turning his back to him, and it was as if he refused to meet Sirius’ gaze.
“Moony?” Sirius asked, in a whisper. He didn’t want Peter or James to be disturbed. “Is there something wrong?”
Sirius didn’t recall it was the full moon soon.
Remus mumbled something. “Nothing’s wrong.”
Maybe it was the 5th year’s exams; O.W.L.s were getting closer and closer, and Remus tended to be very stressed about exams. Sirius knew he was brilliant. He knew Remus wouldn’t fail anything, but Remus had always been very anxious about it anyway.
“Remus, are you sure? You’re not even looking at m—”
“Nothing’s wrong, Sirius.”
Immediately, Sirius’ heart dropped to his feet. As if he had done a badly executed looping on his broomstick. Sirius . Remus called him Sirius. Not Pads, not even Padfoot.
“Moony, what…?” Sirius asked, distressed suddenly. Something was wrong, very wrong. His eyebrows up, he was trying to meet Remus’ gaze by all means.
When he finally met his eyes, Remus looked pained and rather adamant. “I don’t like to share.”
“Moony, we’ve been dating for two months now,” Sirius answered, not understanding. “I’m yours—”
“Really?”
“Yes?” Sirius confirmed, confused. “I climb into your bed every night. I kiss you goodnight and good morning everyday. I—”
“You do that with James too.”
“But I’m not dating him!”
Remus sighed. “But you kissed him. Just before. I know it.”
“It’s not the same, it’s…”
As Sirius searched for words, Remus propped himself on his elbows, to stare at him with an expectant look. Waiting for his answer. Blushing, Sirius tried to form a sentence.
“It’s just friendship!”
“Then stop kissing him.”
Speechless, Sirius didn’t expect Remus to ask him that. “I… I can’t do that, it’s— It’s our thing.”
“No, Sirius. It’s supposed to be our thing. You… I know you can kiss your friends. I know— I don’t know. But not that often. Not like you do for us.”
Sirius blinked at him. Remus sighed, defeated, and he looked down. He didn’t even look like he was going to cry; he looked more like he saw that coming.
“Moony, are you… are you going to make me choose between James and you? Because I’d pick you,” Sirius whispered, trying one last time to make Remus feel better. He didn’t know what else to do to hold him back. “I’d pick you, without a single second of hesitation.”
Remus shook his head. It wasn’t working, and it made Sirius desperate.
“I love you, Moony!” He tried to keep his voice low. But his voice croaked a bit. “I really, really love you.”
Sirius needed Remus to believe him. He meant it. He meant it, he could wait 10 years and he would still mean it.
“You’re not in lovewith me, Pads. That’s the thing,” Remus’ soft voice worsened Sirius’ desperation. And his words made him freeze; something, deep inside his mind, clicked. “I won’t make you pick between James and me. I’ll make the choice for you.”
Mouth slightly agape, Sirius stared at Remus, as he pronounced the words.
“Moony…”
Looking to the side, as if he was a bit embarrassed to say the following words, Remus added. “I should have known I didn’t stand a chance. I could never have stood in between you two.”
Feeling as if his organs were shrinking inside him, Sirius stood there, in Remus’ bed, speechless.
“I hope you two figure out your thing for each other as soon as possible.”
“I—”
“I really love you, Pads. You’re an amazing person, but… I can’t keep going like that knowing that you prefer him.”
Sirius felt a tear running down his cheek.
He wanted to argue, to say something, to defend himself, to contradict Remus. To say he was wrong. To say he would always come first, whatever would happen. That Sirius would always be there for him. That he was in love with him. To say he wasn’t in love with James.
But words were stuck.
As if he couldn’t deny it.
As if Remus was right.
Would Sirius really pick Remus? Sirius couldn’t live without James. James couldn’t live without Sirius. They were like two sides of a coin, like night and light, like winter and summer, complementing each other all the time. If one ceased to exist, the other would perish.
Sirius didn’t remember one time when he didn’t feel himself, completely whole, with James. As if before meeting him he had been half empty.
Suddenly, Sirius was filled with the horrific realization that, maybe, yes, he would pick James.
Shame and horror painted on his face, he started moving again, and without any other word, he ran away, out of Remus’ bed. Leaving the latter there, feeling like he had to run away far. Far, far away.
Pushing the curtains of Remus’ bed away, Sirius clenched his fists, a chill running down his spine. He would pick James. What a horrible boyfriend he had been; and worst was, Sirius didn’t regret anything. He knew he couldn’t live without James’ goodnight and good morning kisses. It made it all worse.
Finally recovering the use of his legs, Sirius quickly walked to the door, without even grabbing a jumper for the coldness of the night.
“Pads?” James asked, one eye closed, his hair messy from bed. Sirius looked in his direction, and indeed, James had his head out of his bed, with a half tired half questioning expression on his face. He rubbed his eye. Sirius had the feeling of seeing him for the first time again. “Where are you going? It’s the middle of the night.”
“I— Huh. Go back to sleep, James,” Sirius stuttered, trying to make his voice as calm and composed as possible. As if his boyfriend didn’t just dump him because of… his relationship with James.
And at that, Sirius left, feeling like he couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. He closed the door behind him, and forgetting about the fact that it was way past curfew and that he shouldn’t be there, Sirius started running in the cold hallways. He didn’t know where he was going, but as soon as he was past the empty and dark common room, he started to hear footsteps behind him.
Turning around, Sirius saw that it was James.
“Pads?! Wait for me!”
Truly, if Sirius had cried in front of James thousands of times, and hadn’t been ashamed of it for years now, it seemed that now, the last thing Sirius wanted was James to see his tears.
Without stopping running, Sirius answered. “Stop following me, go back to the dorm!” He wasn’t discreet, and fuck Filch if he happened to be near.
“No!” James replied. And James was running faster than him. All these times where James had went for a jog and Sirius slept in suddenly unfolded before Sirius’ eyes.
If he wasn’t one to give up, he did anyway. Because he knew James would catch up to him. So Sirius stopped running away, faintly breathless.
“Are you okay?” James immediately asked when he got to his level. He softly grabbed Sirius’ shoulder, and he faced him, trying to analyze his face.
Good thing Sirius was rather good at masking his expressions; he learnt from the best, from his parents, who were so skilled at not giving a single ounce of themselves that Sirius had to learn the hard way how to do the same.
“Yes,” He replied, with as much natural as possible.
“Sirius,” James sighed. “You called me James. You ran away. You’re crying. Why are you lying to me?”
A second tear ran down Sirius' cheek; water was starting to accumulate in his eyes. “I—” He started. “Moony dumped me.”
That was the most that he could tell him. He couldn’t say more. Did Sirius really love James? More than Remus? Was he in love with him? Since when? Sirius couldn’t remember. His mind was blank. He was suddenly hit with the fact that James would never feel the same about him anyway. He was affectionate, tactile, close to everyone. James was naturally kind and attentionate, and sweet and caring. He was like that with everyone, not just Sirius.
Whereas it was not Sirius’ nature. Sirius should have known earlier. He should have known earlier. He was with James like he was with no one. The realization hit him as if he fell from his broom. An awful fall, never ending anxious fall, where Sirius knew he would always be James’ best friend, and that was his biggest blessing and worst curse at the same time.
“Oh,” James replied, his gaze translating the immense amount of compassion he was feeling for Sirius. “Oh, Sirius, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, have you tried to talk—”
“Yes, I’ve tried talking to him, Prongs. It didn’t work.”
“Maybe if I try to talk to him, it’ll work.”
Sirius sighed. He didn’t want to tell James that no, it wouldn’t work either. He knew it wouldn’t work, but he didn’t have the strength to say no to James. Not during the same night he lost Remus.
Maybe James thought Sirius was crying because of the fact that Remus broke up with him. He surely didn’t know Sirius wasn’t even that devastated; not compared to the shame of having been so oblivious all this time, and the realization that he would have to bear the best friend label for the rest of his life.
James had a crush on Lily; Sirius knew it, he often helped him setting up ways to make her fall in love with him. As his best friend , Sirius had always said he would always help James with Lily.
Every single detail was coming back to Sirius like a slap in the face.
James was straight. James was in love with Lily. James was only seeing him as a friend. James didn’t know. James, oh, adorable and beautiful James, would never be in love with Sirius.
James who thought Sirius was crying because of Remus; Sirius fucking wished he was crying because of Remus. He felt ashamed about that too.
Sirius let James believe he was crying because of the rupture; and quickly, Sirius dried his tears. He smiled to James, saying it was fine, and that it would get better. That he was right, maybe he should talk to Remus. James said he would also talk to Remus, and Sirius avoided James’ gaze.
They went back to the dorm. Everything was in the dark and silent. James accompanied Sirius to his bed, and he waited for him to be laying down. Then he leaned forward, and he kissed Sirius on the lips. With his thumb, he caressed Sirius’ cheek. The tender gesture almost made Sirius cry again.
“Goodnight, Pads,” James said with his big shiny eyes that — even in the dark — screamed comfort and affection.
“Goodnight Prongs,” Sirius answered, his voice hoarse.
James smiled lightly, before disappearing in the dark.
Turning around in his bed, Sirius promised himself he would talk to Remus the next day; he didn’t care if it was a crazy idea, he didn’t care if it was insane: but if he wasn’t in love with Remus, well at least he loved him. And so? Wasn’t it enough? He knew Remus would be there for him. Maybe it was selfish. To want someone near him now, more than he ever did before. Maybe it would hurt Remus. But Sirius couldn’t keep existing and be James’ half every single day of his life without that. Maybe it was insane. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe it was childish. A whim. A mirage.
But he would get back with Remus.
