Thorns and all
It’s been a week since the tour started, the shows have been amazing and the crowd even better. Things to James have been weird, to say the least. They stayed another day in Amsterdam, he went out with the guys, just the four of them. It was Pete’s idea and he was right, they haven’t been the four together alone since the tour started and it was one of their best nights. They went to a lonely pub and sang covers of songs they used to sing before fame and the label, before everything. It was a reminder to James that no matter what is happening around them, as long as they can continue to do this together, everything will be fine.
The show in Antwerp went really well for them, the fans are truly amazing, he knows that without them the energy in the venue wouldn’t be the same, without them he just wouldn’t be touring or releasing music. He’ll forever be grateful for them.
However the last few days he’s been thinking a lot about what Lily said in Amsterdam’s soundcheck, he didn’t mean to eavespick or anything, he actually was talking to Regulus which was kind of the last time he talked to him without anyone around. The moment Lily started raising her voice his attention went fully on her, his body alert and ready to move if it was needed. He wanted to go there but as soon as he saw Mary and Marlene hugging her he felt more calmed. After that James continued talking with Regulus and then the show started.
Since then it’s been like Regulus has been avoiding him, not completely ignoring him but he’s always with someone else and whenever James is close enough to try to talk to him, he just flees, it would be kind of funny if James wasn’t confused about his reactions.
Lily is always close to him as he is with her, after WOM3N’s set in Amsterdam that he talked to her, she’s been leaning on him more than before and he talks to her about anything. It has always been easy to be near her and tell her things, hopefully James can be a person that she also feels comfortable talking to. The real person who Lily really talks about anything with is Remus, they can spend the night in the other’s room and just talk. James thinks of them like what Sirius and him have, but then he thinks that what they have will never be compared, just maybe Lily and Remus are the closest thing to them.
Either way, tonight’s show is in Stockholm and he is really excited about it (well, he’s always excited about all shows). They got there yesterday, he was falling asleep when Sirius came to his room and just laid there. James didn’t ask, frankly he has done the same with them before, just needing each other’s company. They didn’t talk, just slept and rested.
In the morning Remus comes looking for Sirius and when he sees them still sleeping he stays there talking with James (who was already awake) and immediately James sends Peter a text telling him to come to his room. Not even two minutes later, he was knocking on James’ door. One of the perks of being famous is that they get to have big hotel rooms and actually afford it. This room is more of a suite, it has its own kitchen, like an apartment, that’s why they decide to have breakfast there, they asked to be brought food so they can make their own breakfast.
When Sirius woke up, he asked where the girls were and so they called Mary and she arrived ten minutes later with Lily and Marlene. They were already dressed and ready for the day while the guys were still in their pyjamas.
“God, put some shirt on, James,” Marlene says when she gets in the room.
“Good morning to you too,” he says.
“Why are you shirtless?” Mary asks.
“He sleeps like that,” Lily and Sirius say at the same time and they all just laugh. James shrugs, because yeah, he hates the feeling of the fabric on his skin when he sleeps.
“Why are we having breakfast here?” Marlene asks.
“Why not?”
“Because we never do it.”
“Maybe it’s time to start doing it. Have something of our own before going onto stage,” he says. To James it is really important to know what it’s personal and what is public, if he can’t see where one ends and the other starts then everything will become a mess and he will feel lost. His friends are his, moments like this are his as much as he loves his fans, this is something he will not share. He’ll be selfish about it.
“Should we tell the other guys?” Lily asks and they all know she means Barty, Evan and of course, Regulus. There is an awkward moment where nobody moves or says anything. She clears her throat. “I mean, they should also experience this part of the tour, right? This,” she gestures to all of them who are sitting around the kitchen. “Is what makes the tour easier, the crowd is amazing, but us being together is the actual experience of it all. I don't know if I'd enjoy it as much as I do if it weren’t for you, guys,” they know she is right but they all feel resistant to it because it’s letting people they just met enter a safe space they’ve created for a lifetime.
“We should do it,” a voice breaks the silence that was created and everybody turns to look at Sirius. “They should feel welcomed,” they say but as soon as they do, he gets up and goes to James’ room.
“Alright then, I’ll tell them,” she says and takes out her phone and dials a number. James leaves her to it and goes to find Sirius.
“Hey,” James says when he finds them laying in the bed with his hands on his face.
“This is going to be so difficult, Prongs,” he says, muffling his voice with their hands.
“I know,” James says and lays with them. “Wanna cuddle until Remus comes in and tells me to stop stealing his boyfriend?” He asks and Sirius chuckles and scoots over to be closer to James.
They’ve been cuddling since they were kids. Where Sirius grew up, they weren’t allowed to have much physical contact, it wasn’t well seen because it makes you look less manly. And James was an only child who learned about friendship the moment he met Padfoot. They both were touch starved until they met, since then they’ve always been touchy. The touch of the other heals wounds made by others.
“Why are you always trying to steal my boyfriend?” James and Sirius look at each other and start laughing, mad laughing. Remus smiles at them but still shakes his head. “I came to tell you that they are here, come on, let's have breakfast,” Remus says and offers his hands to them so they get up, James and Sirius take them and Remus pulls them. Holy shit, the man is strong.
The three men go to the kitchen again and Barty is already laughing with the girls while Evan and Regulus are sitting together, both of them look like they have just woken up. When they notice their presence, Regulus widens his eyes and a slight blush takes over his cheeks.
“Prongs,” Sirius grabs his arm, James looks at him and Sirius is looking at him firmly. “Go put on a shirt,” James is about to protest but Sirius squeezes his arm. “Now.”
And so he goes to put on a shirt and when he goes back Barty is laughing and making fun of Regulus. “Holy shit, you’re fit,” Barty tells James. “What a shame Reg met you first,” he fakes a sigh. Is Barty flirting with him?
“Barty, don’t,” Evan says and sends his friend a preoccupied look, then looks at Regulus who, fuck , he looks like he could murder someone.
“Thanks, man,” James says and puts his hand on Barty’s shoulder. “But I don’t think it’s a shame I met him first,” he pulls off his hand and sends a wink to Regulus.
“Let’s have breakfast, please. I’m starving,” Peter begs them and everybody agrees. They start talking with each other, making small groups so they can listen better. James ends up chatting with Marlene, Barty and Peter, while Sirius remains close to Remus that are chatting with Mary, lastly Lily is talking to Evan and Regulus nods along, not really talking.
-
Regulus has no clue why he’s here, why he thought it was okay to have breakfast with them… to have breakfast in James’ room where obviously is going to be James and him too. He can stand being close to all the girls (even though he feels awkward with Lily), he likes Peter and if he’s being honest, Remus intimidates him a bit, not because of the scars those are hot , but Regulus knows that Remus is smart, the kind of smart that you should respect and admire as well as fear, not the intellectual smart (which Regulus suspects he also is). Either way, Remus is not the point. The point is that Regulus miscalculated the consequences of being near James.
In an attempt to breathe and be away from them without looking like a bad ungrateful person and leaving the room, he chooses to go to the bathroom and just be there for a couple of minutes. He looks at his reflection and the guy that he sees feels ages away from him, even though it’s just himself. Things have changed in the last month and he hasn’t caught on, he feels that he is being left behind, unable to change along and adapt to what’s going on. It’s frustrating, no matter what he tries it doesn’t feel enough. He sees someone in the mirror but his reflection is no longer his, it was left behind.
But then again, he has a tendency to ignore his problems as long as possible until they are choking him and the possibility of having control of himself is no longer there.
He sighs and washes his face, this time he avoids the reflection in the mirror, he takes the towel and dries his face. It helps to feel the cold of the water, his mind can focus on that and not on the fact that he is in James’ room.
Of course, it doesn’t last long because as soon as he’s out, James is resting next to the door, his back is on the wall and his head is a bit tilted to the back, his eyes are closed and, you see, Regulus is just a person, he has weak moments and looking at James… he wants to be weak. James is hot. Very fucking attractive. Regulus could lick him.
“Enjoying the view?” James asks. Because he is attractive and he knows it, he embraces it. Regulus has no idea how he does that and doesn’t look like a douchebag.
“No,” Regulus answers automatically. James smirks and Regulus is a weak, weak person.
“Liar,” James opens his eyes and looks at him. “How are you, Star?” he asks and it is genuine. It surprises him how gentle and pure James can be, because no matter that he’s been avoiding him, all James wants to know is how he is. He is not complaining, he just wants to know how he is. Regulus knows it’s not fair to avoid James, but ever since he found out that Lily and him used to date, he can’t help to feel weird about it, he remembers the first show and how James looked at her when she was singing. Or the way he ignored him as soon as he heard Lily raising her voice, ready to fight anyone that may be bothering her. He can see the way they are with each other, sincere and close… Regulus is not sure how close they are right now. And maybe he doesn’t want to know. Why should he know? It’s not like they owe him anything, he told James that whatever they were doing is over. And yet, James did tell him that he wasn’t going to give up on them. “Stop thinking too much about it,” his voice breaks his thoughts. “I can see it in your eyes, you are thinking too much out of the question,” his voice is soft. James, as he has realised, is loud, he is a very loud person, he likes to talk loud, his laugh is loud and just his presence in general is loud. But when Regulus is alone with him, he softens. His voice turns down to a normal level, sometimes he will whisper so only Regulus can hear him, he will chuckle and give him shy smiles, smirks only for Regulus to see.
“I’m fine,” he shrugs, James looks at him.
“How are you really, love?” Regulus wants to scream. It’s not the first time James has called him like that and Regulus knows that he doesn’t even realise it, maybe that’s common for James, but for Regulus? Hell no. He might combust everytime James calls him like that. “I can tell that you are not being completely honest, your eyes deceive you.”
“It’s quite difficult being on tour,” Regulus decides to be honest. “I’m glad Barty and Evan are here with me,” well, he wasn’t too glad Barty was here just minutes before when he actively flirted with James. He gets it (better than anyone, probably), James is hot, he has a defined body and he has muscles that let you know he’s strong . He was pleased to see him shirtless but at the same time he wasn’t because there were so many people around, including his ex-girlfriend but she probably has already seen him like that. Shit.
“What did you just think?” James asks him and this is getting annoying for Regulus, the way James has no trouble reading into him.
“Nothing,” he says stiffly.
“Holy shit, Star, your eyes darkened ,” James looks at him amazed. “You’re so beautiful,” that’s another thing James does a lot. Every time he gets a moment alone with Regulus he’ll tell him how beautiful he is, every single time.
“Stop that,” Regulus says but it sounds more like a beg.
“I won’t, love. I told you that,” James walks closer to him and Regulus. “Why would I possibly stop?” he asks, softly pinching his chin and making him look him in the eyes.
“I’ve told you, we can do this,” Regulus whispers. He has no idea why he does it, because there is no one else around and yet he wants to have this for himself, have James for himself. Even if it’s for a minute, even if it isn’t real.
“Sirius has no problem, no one does but you, why?” Regulus can see he is confused, he is frowning a bit but not completely. “Do you-” James swallows. “Do you not want me?” Regulus now is the one frowning. James sounds so little and concerned, he is actually worried about what the answer might be and Regulus hates that he is the one doing this to him.
“James…,” he starts saying but James doesn’t let him finish because he kisses him, he closes the distance between them and Regulus doesn’t understand how it is possible to feel this weak and strong at the same time. He guesses that is the power James Potter has.
The kiss is passionate and extremely intimate, James drops his hand that was on his chin to put it on the side of his neck, while his other hand lays on his cheek. Regulus puts his hands around James' waist, leading them to his back and pulling him closer, because of that, James deepens the kiss. It is a complete experience to be kissed by James, the way he does it with such passion, you can feel what James doesn’t say with words and this kiss is telling him that James is afraid of the answer, but wants Regulus to want him.
The thing is that Regulus does want him, so much it is scaring the shit out of him. James is absolutely perfect, even when he is not. Regulus does want him because he brings him peace when James is close. Regulus does want him because he is utterly attracted to this man. Regulus does want him but they can’t be, not when he is James’ best friend and bandmate, Regulus can make peace with it just yet.
James feels the way Regulus starts to hesitate in the kiss and pull apart, their bodies never stop touching and James’ hands remain in the same place. Regulus doesn’t dare to step back.
“Please tell me you want me,” James begs against his lips. “If not, I’m gonna lose my mind, Reg.”
“We have to go back with the others, James,” he whispers but doesn’t move. He can’t, James’ warmth is all he wants and all he needs.
“No, we don’t,” James whispers as well.
“Yeah, you do,” a third voice says and Regulus swears he’s going to kill someone, because they just cost Regulus losing James’ warmth.
James takes a step back, his hands leaving Regulus’ neck and cheek, but he has a loose smile and he never breaks eye contact with Regulus, not even when he says, “Wrong timing, Moony,” oh, it’s Remus, shame, Regulus was starting to like him, he will be missed.
“Well, it was either me or Padfoot, tell me which one you prefer?” James chuckles at that.
“Alright, yeah,” honestly, Regulus prefers Remus too.
“I’ll give you a minute, but after that I’m letting Sirius come,” Remus leaves.
James looks at him and Regulus tries (and fails) to avoid his eyes. James shakes his head and laughs, he just laughs. Not a loud laugh but a disbelief laugh.
“Fuck it,” James says and takes the same step he took earlier and kisses him again. This time he feels ready for it, eager to kiss James again. Regulus has to fight the urge to just jump on James. This kiss is not as sweet as the previous one, no. This time it feels needy, like they both were longing for it. James has his hands on the back of Regulus’ head and he knows his hair is going to be a mess, but he doesn’t care because he likes the feeling of it.
They, however, do have only a minute so the kiss doesn’t last as long as he wishes it has, but the moment they break the kiss, James rests his forehead against Regulus’.
“Come back here after the show, please,” he says with his eyes still closed. Regulus pulls a bit away, wanting to see James’ face, the distance makes James open his eyes. “Not like that, Reg!” James chuckles and then, “well, I mean, if you want to,” he winks at him. “But I didn’t say it like that, Star.”
“Yeah, okay, I’ll be here,” Regulus promises and he will be there. He wants to. Unable to have enough of James. He is a greedy person when it comes to James, he’s learned now.
They go back to the others and they receive funny looks, especially from Barty and Remus, James’ best friend looks horrified and Lily gives James a look Regulus can’t decipher. Either way, Regulus sits next to Evan because it was him or Barty and Regulus still wants to kill him still (not really, he actually loves Barty pretty much, but he won’t say that). When he sits, Evan looks amused by him, he keeps glancing at his hair and it is making Regulus a bit uncomfortable.
“T'es-tu amusé?” Evan asks, Regulus rolls his eyes but notices that someone is listening so he decides to go with it.
“Tu n'as aucune idée à quel point il est doué pour embrasser,” Regulus replies and it surprises Evan that he said something back, the other person listening coughs awkwardly.
“Are you okay, Sirius?” Marlene asks and he just nods. Evan looks at Regulus, understanding, he just shrugs.
Eventually they all leave the room because they aren’t there on vacations, no sir, they have a job to do and Pandora, as lovely as she is, won't let anyone be late and mess something up. The soundcheck goes well, the other bands have decided to watch all their soundchecks, even if they don’t pay attention to them, they all sit in the first row and chat among them. Except James, no, James is always watching. Not only to Regulus but to all of them, he can tell he likes them as a band, although he does look a lot at Regulus, he also looks at Barty. James sees something that he hasn’t told anyone and that intrigues him, but still, he is the only one who actually pays attention. Sometimes, he will talk with somebody but his attention is set on them.
Regulus likes it. Makes him feel safe in the chaos of everything.
After the sound check they meet with Emmeline, who has become someone Regulus really likes, she chats with them and is a person that makes them feel included. At the end of the day they are new in all of this, they don’t know the people the other bands already know. Emmeline walks them through it, she tells them who gets along with who in the crew, as well as who to ask for help because ones are friendlier than others and it really helps them, because most times they tend to get kind of lost with so many people walking around, getting ready for the show.
Another person Regulus likes is their photographer, Dorcas, they got along really well because in a way they are going through the same thing. Apparently their previous tour photographer was booked to tour with another artist and Dorcas stepped up for the job, she is kind of new in this job but as far as they know she is great at it, her photos really transmit the energy of each show and the energy of each band.
That’s how their little group has added two more people into it, Dorcas more than Emmeline, but still. They hang out the last two free days and it is good, he thinks. They don’t touch him, he didn’t have to tell them not to, he appreciates that they just don’t.
Oh, Pandora also hangs out with them, he suspects it’s because she wants them to feel included and not alone… well, it works. She helps them too, has talked to them and it feels like a ‘how to tour 101’ class.
“Hey, Em,” Regulus calls her, she looks at him while still working on Barty, moving his hair from one side to the other, he also turns to look at Regulus. “You also do make-up, right?” he asks but he already knows that she does.
“Yeah,” she nods and stops whatever she was doing with Barty’s hair.
“Would you help me with something?”
“Of course, Regulus, just let me finish with this one,” she points to Barty and he looks slightly offended by how she referred to him.
She has to be quick with Regulus because time is running and she still has to go with the other ones. He wonders why she doesn’t have a team to help her. She has two or three assistants but it is not enough to cover ten people in such a short time. Still, she manages it and Regulus admires that, because she does it on time and they always look good.
It doesn’t take them long to be on stage, a feeling Regulus can’t quite get used to. It overwhelms him, the audience, the loudness and the fact that all of them are watching them, him . But he’s growing fond of it, the adrenaline it produces on him and being able to do something with his friends, something that is going to last a lifetime.
This next song he particularly enjoys because he plays the intro and he really enjoys playing it. The lights are flashing around him and he feels the thrill of it. The audience screams loud and something he’s come to notice is that they have already learned and memorised their setlist, they have a few songs but most of them already know the songs. It shouldn’t surprise him then that they know the words of this song.
Evan follows his path in the song and one of Regulus' favourite part of performing is the way the lights can synchronise with them (he makes a mental note to congratulate the people who are behind it). Regulus sees how Barty is smiling at him and then gets close to his own microphone and starts singing.
“ If you were there, beware the serpent soul pinchers. Three-hundred and fifty "No, thank you"s and nobody flinches ,” Barty has a way of singing that it is impossible not to be bewitched by him. “ Go on, girl, go on, give us something gruesome .We require your grief, the thugs help the thieves ,” he sings effortlessly, he barely gasps for air or makes pauses, it comes so natural for him. “ As they're trying to rob the words from her gob and take the swords to the innocents. ”
“ If you were there, beware the serpent soul pinchers ,” Regulus sings, still thinking about the way Barty does it. He knows he shouldn’t compare his voice to Barty’s, but sometimes it gets into his head. “ Can't you sense she was never meant to fill column inches, ” he does gasp for air and makes pauses, it is not natural for him but he still tries. “ Ain't you had enough? What you're trying to dig up isn't there to be dug; the thieves help the thugs ,” Barty and Evan have told him he has a great voice, but sometimes it is hard to believe it. “ As they're trying to beat the good grace of a sweetheart out to the point she'll comply ,” he finishes his verse and avoids thinking about how it went.
“ And why leave her on her own? If I'd have known then I wouldn't have said it ,” Evan sings the bridge and Barty walks around the stage with his guitar, Regulus tries to do the same but as established, it doesn’t come natural to Regulus. “ Why leave her on her own? If I predicted tears then I wouldn't have said it. I wouldn't have said it if I would have known .”
There is an instrumental break where Regulus can focus on his part and walks to get close to Evan’s drums, Barty still teasing the crowd. When the break almost finishes, Regulus gets back to his microphone stand and he sees Barty walking back but he doesn’t go to his, he walks over to Regulus.
“ There's a circle of witches, ambitiously vicious they are ,” Barty sings on Regulus’ microphone, close to his face and for a moment, he looks only at Regulus’ eyes. Once upon a time, Regulus had a crush on his friend, alright? Barty is really good looking and maybe -quite definitely- he blushes a bit. “ And our attempts to remind them of reason won't get us that far, but I don't know what it is that they want ,” Barty raises his eyebrows, telling him to sing along. Without questioning, Regulus does, even though it is not his part.
“ I don't know what it is that they want, but I haven't got it to give and she hasn't got it to give ,” he sings and then, just like he started the song, he plays the end of it. This time he feels more confident, listening to Evan play the drums along with him. People go crazy and Barty grins at him and walks away.
When they leave the stage, James is waiting for him, he is frowning a little and Regulus is concerned about it because James is usually smiling at him.
“Hey,” Regulus says awkwardly, because James is just staring at him. Still frowning.
“What is- why did you-,” he sighs and takes a deep breath. “Why are you wearing makeup?” he finally asks and Regulus had actually forgotten about it. “Did Emmeline do it?” he asks and he is still frowning! Why is he still frowning? He doesn’t like it? That’s a bit hypocritical given that he always wears eyeliner for his shows. “Fuck, Regulus. A little fucking warning next time,” he says exasperated.
“What?” He is feeling a little confused.
“You look hot, Reg,” James says like it is an offence of some kind. “You look really good and I can’t concentrate because of you and your stupid eyeliner,” James frowns even more.
Honestly, Regulus didn’t expect to have this reaction from James but he will not complain, in reality he just wanted to try it out, seeing as James always wears it, sometimes Remus does too, so he wanted to see what was all the fuss about it. When he took a look at himself earlier once Em did it, he liked it. Instantly. She did it differently than she does James’ or Remus’. His is sharp and simple, making the colour of his eyes pop. His eyes look dangerous and, well James said it, hot.
“Should I apologise?” he asks, even though he will not apologise for it.
“Hell, no. I should be thankful, but right now, Star? You are a menace, that’s what you are,” he says, pointing at him. This is really messing with James. Huh, good to know. “You’ll still come after the show, right?” James asks, his voice sounding softer and his frown going away.
“Yes, James. I told you I will,” he says and he matches James’ tone, on purpose. He wants to reassure James that he will be there.
James finally smiles at him.
-
Even though James can’t fucking concentrate because Regulus decided it will be okay to wear eyeliner tonight and James will be totally fine with it, the show goes incredibly amazing. The audience helps him distract his thoughts from the memory of Regulus’ eyes framed by sharp lines.
“Okay, okay,” Sirius says and holds their hands in the air to ease the audience. “I know some of you are expecting one particular song,” the audience screams and Sirius gestures to them to keep it down and astonishingly the audience does. “So who are we to deny it? This is Stockholm Syndrome,” they say and the lights go out. Almost instantly, Peter starts playing the intro of the song. The lights go flashing one by one.
“ Who's that shadow holding me hostage? I've been here for days ,” Remus sings, the fans singing with him. “ Who's this whisper telling me that I'm never gonna get away? ”
“ I know they'll be coming to find me soon ,” Sirius follows. “ But I fear I'm getting used to being held by you. ”
Remus joins with his drums and it is just magical the way the four of them can make it sound so good. The four of them sing the chorus and it makes James smile so much.
“ Look what you've done to me, baby, look what you've done now ,” they sing. “ I'll never leave if you keep holding me this way ,” they sing but James can only think of a certain someone who decided to put makeup on their face. “ Baby, you got me tied down ,” they sing but James knows someone is tying him down, it scares the shit out of him but also excites him.
“ Who's this man that's holding your hand and talking 'bout your eyes? ” Peter sings, the lights shining on him. “ Used to sing about being free but now he's changed his mind ,” James smirks and can’t help to take it personal.
“ I know they'll be coming to find me soon, ” James sings and smiles because the next part, especially tonight, is going to be loud. “Sing! But my Stockholm syndrome is in your room. Yeah, I fell for you ,” he won’t acknowledge how singing that part made him feel, thank you very much.
“All my life, I've been on my own ,” Sirius sings, hitting a high key that is characteristic of them. “ I used the light to guide me home .”
“ But now together we're alone ,” James sings the second part of the bridge. “ And there's no other place I'd ever wanna go ,” James sings and then, “ Baby, look what you've done ,” he stimulates an echo moving away from the microphone. They end the sound by repeating a couple of times the chorus; this song is not on their regular setlist but they couldn’t just leave it out when they had the opportunity to sing it in Stockholm.
The show ends and it leaves James a great sense of accomplishment and pride, they hug as they always do, make a reverence to the public and then they leave the stage. Happy because they just ended another great show but also happy because it ended , which means that he is near the moment he is close to Regulus again.
To say James is excited is an understatement. He is vibrating because Regulus is going to come to his room any second now and he can’t wait. Well, he can, but he is eager to have him close again. He really likes being near Regulus and everything that involves being close to him, even his coldness soothes him.
His phone vibrates and James almost jumps in excitement.
what number was your room?
Something about the fact that Regulus never uses capital letters makes James soft, he doesn’t know why it just does.
713
No less than a minute, there’s a knock on the door and the mere thought of Regulus looking at the doors and wondering which one was James’ is endearing to him. Before he opens the door, he takes a deep breath and tries to compose himself, because frankly? He is a mess right now, feeling like a teenager all over again.
“Hi,” he says once he manages to open the door and Regulus is there, as beautiful as ever. He is no longer wearing makeup and James has to admit that it’s for the best, he actually wants to spend time with him and talk, if he was still wearing it, he would’ve had a hard time controlling himself. Regulus is also wearing comfortable clothes, James appreciates his sense of fashion, but when he wears clothes like this it makes him want to cuddle.
“Hey,” James smiles at him and moves so Regulus can enter the room.
“Sorry I was late, I couldn’t remember your room number,” he apologises.
“Don’t worry, you are here now,” James can’t help but smile. “Do you want something? I still have food from the morning,” he offers.
“No, thank you. I had dinner with Evan and Barty,” he says. “But thanks.”
“We can go to the bed if you want,” James says and Regulus’ eyebrows raise. James chuckles and shakes his head. “I’ve told you, I didn’t invite you here for that,” he won’t deny it if it comes to it, but he doesn’t say it. “To be more comfortable,” he explains but Regulus is already walking over there.
Regulus sits on the right side of the bed, his back laying on the headboard and James mirrors the position on the left side. He looks at Regulus as he closes his eyes and exhales, letting out that he may have been retaining.
“I’m so tired,” Regulus lets out. “How do you manage to do this? The touring?” he asks and he sounds fragile and just… tired.
“It was hard the first time, the first month. But with time I found things that helped me,” he tells him. “You need a good sleep and rest as much as you can but also keep your body active. It is hard to keep two opposite things balanced, but it is possible,” James assured him.
“Sometimes, well, most times I have no idea what I’m doing. I joined the band weeks before being selected for this. And this has always been Barty’s dream and kind of Evan’s as well, but mine? It wasn’t,” Regulus has a way of saying things like that, his voice is distant yet warm. “I see Barty on stage and he was born to be there, he is so natural at it and I feel like an impostor playing someone else’s part, one that doesn’t correspond to me,” he sighs and starts fidgeting with his fingers. James listens and nods along, he remembers how he felt the first time he toured, the only person he could actually rant about was his mom, he would call her and talk her ear off for hours until he felt like he drained it all. “And everything’s changing and I have no idea how to catch up. I don’t know how to change myself to adapt to everything,” he shakes his head and frowns a little. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I am telling you all of this, you probably wanted to talk about something more cheerful.”
“I wanted to talk about anything, Reg,” James says solemnly. “I just wanted to talk to you and if this is what we talk about because it is something you are feeling and making you upset, then we’ll talk about it. Besides, I get it. How you are feeling and your troubles,” he really does, he can empathise with Regulus. “Barty is a natural, yes. But so are you, Star, you may not notice it because you are so caught in watching how everybody shines that you forget to look at your light, I’ve seen you on stage and you are good. For someone whose dream wasn’t to perform, you may be even more of a natural than Barty,” he establishes. “And about things changing… who says you have to change who you are to adapt? Why can’t you remain yourself and adapt? The fact that things change isn’t a synonym for you to change. You can adapt but you are still you, that doesn’t change if you don’t allow it.”
“Do you actually believe that?” Regulus asks.
“Yeah, took me a while to understand, wrote a song about it and everything, but eventually I understood that at the end of the day, I’m still me,” he frowns. “Yeah, maybe there’s more than one version of me out there, but I have to remain true to myself and sometimes it becomes hard not to believe the media, but I have people to remind me who I am.”
Regulus takes on his words and nods, he doesn’t talk for a couple of seconds. It makes James feel anxious but at the same time, he knows he is processing what he just told him and he waits. Because that’s the best he can do, wait for Regulus to think about it.
“You wrote a song about it?” Regulus asks after a couple of minutes.
“I never finished it, but yes,” Regulus nods and goes quiet again. James waits again.
“Can I hear it?”
“What? The song?”
“Yes, what else?” He rolls his eyes and James likes his mood swings. He chuckles and gets up, Regulus follows with his eyes but doesn’t move from his place. James goes to his bag and pulls out a notebook, the edges are worn out. It is ugly, James won’t deny it, with all the travel he does, the notebook has suffered the consequences. He looks for the song, he wrote it a while back but he knows it’s in there, he just has to search for it and- there it is.
“I don’t have my guitar right now, though,” he informs sadly.
“I don’t mind,” Regulus shrugs.
“Alright,”
James feels nervous, because it is a song he hasn’t shown anybody, one of those things that you keep to yourself because it feels personal and private, no reason why anybody else should see. Also because he’s going to sing in front of Regulus. He’s played in festivals and big venues, but playing in front of him feels challenging. Like he has to get it right, there shouldn’t be space for any error.
“Here,” James lays the notebook on the bed, right in the space between them. Regulus gets closer to see it. “So you can also read it. As you can see it is not complete, I only have the first verse, the chorus and part of the bridge,” James explains and Regulus nods, then he takes a deep breath and then starts. “ Time of our lives, it's easy to see. We were just gettin' by, but we were complete ,” he remembers writing this song after having a long talk with his mom. He felt lonely while doing the press for their second album, it wasn’t the same as the first one. He had broken up with Lily a few months before and Sirius was all the time with Remus, rough times, changing times. “ It hasn't been long that I've been away. I don't know why everything's changed ,” he turns to see Regulus and he has his eyes locked on the notebook. He is so pretty. “‘ Cause inside we're still the kings of the Friday nights, silver streets and the neon signs, ” he starts singing the chorus. “ Everything's changed outside, sometimes I wonder why ,” Regulus turns to look at him, his eyes telling him everything he needs to know as always, there’s something vulnerable in them. “ If you need, you can call on me, I'll be the friend you need ,” James winks an eye to Regulus, he rolls his eyes. “ 'Cause everything's changed outside, but I feel the same inside, ” he then stops singing and tells Regulus, “I wanted to write a second verse there, repeat the chorus and finish the bridge.”
“How does the bridge go?”
“Oh, it goes,” he looks again at his notebook. “ When we gonna realise we don't get another life? Always overanalyse, what's the point? ” James shakes his head, because he remembers thinking what is the point of feeling the need to change but the thought of doing it made him feel unease. “ I know it'll be alright. We've still got the rest of our lives ,” he ends the bridge and Regulus is looking at him so tenderly.
“I really like it, James,” he whispers. James didn’t realise the moment he got closer to him, but he will not complain. He can see Regulus’ eyes more clearly, he will never get over the shade of his eyes. “Can I spend the night here?” Regulus asks, no hesitation. “I am really tired, sorry. I wanted to talk as we always do, but I-”
“Star, don’t worry about it. I understand how tired this can be. No need to give me explanations, you can stay the night whenever you want,” James says and fights the urge to stroke Regulus’ cheek.
He fails.
He touches his cheek and Regulus leans to the touch of his hand, closes his eyes and when he opens them all James wants to do is kiss him, just because James is feeling a lot of nameless things and the only thing he can think of expressing them is by kissing the other man. It is not even a sexual thing, he just needs to get it out.
He doesn’t kiss him though.
“I can lend you something to sleep, if you want,” James says and gets away. “Although, I have to warn you, I don’t sleep with a shirt on,” he says.
“James, we’ve already slept together, I remember.”
“Oh,” James blushes at the memory of that night, which was barely days ago. He coughs. “Uh, I can take the couch if you want,” he says, scratching the back of his neck.
“I- uh, we, we could sleep on the bed, James. We’ve already shared a bed before,” he blushes. He is blushing. Beautiful.
So they go to sleep, together. They sleep in the same bed, a significant space between them, because no matter what, he really wants Regulus to feel comfortable and to rest so he doesn’t try anything other than letting him rest. James does watch him fall asleep, maybe that’s creepy, but he still does it. Regulus has sharp edges, warnings that keep you from getting too close, but James can see past the sharpness, he sees the delicacy and gentleness that Regulus carries, that he is . Makes James think about roses, the ones that his father used to give his mother every anniversary, the petals catches your attention but you have to endure the thorns; his father never cut them off because it was taking something off the flower, he used to say that if you wanted to love the flower, it had to be all of it.
James falls asleep with that thought on his mind. About loving the flower. Even with its thorns.