1
And That’s How Luna Lost Her Clothes
Chapter 1
Luna left The Burrow after spending a day with her friends. She hummed to herself, skipping and hopping across the yard in the direction of her home that lay up and over the farthest hill.
Luna was always a carefree, kind, optimistic soul. She could seem naïve and innocent, and then wise and all-knowing in the course of two sentences. She would seamlessly move from logical, clear thought to becoming the weird purveyor of knowledge about nargles, wrackspurts, and other mythical creatures without a second thought to the looks of the others around her.
In another time and world, she could have been a hippie flower girl of the late San Francisco 1960s. She would be dressed in tie-dyed clothes with her abundance of dirty blonde hair running freer than it already did. She would call herself Moonblossom or Rainbow and live in a commune where they rode about in a VW microbus with a psychedelic paint job and about a hundred bumper stickers.
Moving up the hill, she cast her patronus to watch it frolic as she walked. The ethereal hare darted and ran through the grass and flowers. There were no dementors, lethifolds, or other demons for it to repel. This was purely playtime in the twilight as the sun faded and the stars began to appear.
As they neared a wet area between hills, there was some movement near a small copse of alders. What appeared to be a white rabbit running on its rear legs appeared in view. Luna's patronus ran toward it to investigate.
Her patronus did not sense a threat and began running about, almost trying to instigate a playful encounter with the stranger. Luna watched it, amused by what seemed an innocent interlude.
The two ran and played for several moments. Then the rabbit seemed to lead her patronus into the trees. Luna was not used to her patronus straying this far. She started toward the trees to see what was happening.
As she poked her head into the thicket, she saw the two of them standing by a hole in the ground. The rabbit held out its forearm in Luna's direction as her patronus watched. Luna stepped forward, sensing things were okay because her patronus was not finding the need to defend her.
"Who are you?" asked the rabbit, causing Luna to recoil a bit, having never met a talking rabbit.
"I—I am—Luna, sir. Luna Lovegood," she managed to get out.
"Pleased to meet you, Luna. We must hurry. I’m late. I’m late for a very important date.”
The rabbit took her hand and before she could react, he jumped into the hole, pulling her with him. Her wand fell from her hand as she disappeared into the void. Her patronus followed them, which seemed odd having dropped her wand, as they tumbled into the darkness for several moments. When they finally came to rest, they were surrounded by strange, colorful plants, the likes of which she had never seen. Her patronus seemed to have finally dissipated in the chaos.
"What a strange-looking place," she said aloud. "It's actually quite beautiful."
"That's what I think about your world," replied the rabbit in an almost comical voice. "However, I much prefer it here."
"You can speak, sir," said Luna in a remarkably calm voice. "I've never met a talking rabbit."
Anyone else would probably be shocked to the point of not being able to speak. But Luna, being who she is, took it all in stride.
"Where is here?" she asked.
"Where is here?" chortled the rabbit. "Why here is here. Where else would here be but here? Here is always here."
"Well, that makes sense, I guess," she replied, seeming to understand the rabbit’s answer. "I should have known that, sir."
The rabbit began walking through the bright purple ferns and red and yellow leaves. A soft rain started falling as they moved onward. Before long, they were standing amidst mushrooms and toadstools tall enough for them to stand under out of the rain.
"These are most useful," noted Luna. "They are like living umbrellas."
"Of course," said the rabbit, shaking the wet off his fur.
The rain running down the leaves made a sound like an ensemble of stringed instruments. The small leaves were the violins. The larger leaves were violas and cellos. The biggest ones were basses. As the raindrops hit the mushrooms, they made a sound similar to someone playing the drums. The raindrops on the toadstools sounded like cymbals.
Other strange noises, almost like someone trying to sing the croaking of frogs, were creating a chorus behind this symphony.
"This is the most beautiful rain I have ever heard," said Luna. "Where are the singers? I hear singers."
"That's the moon frogs, of course. They are up there," answered the rabbit matter-of-factly as he stepped out from under the mushroom and pointed upward.
Luna stepped out, looking up into the rain. There, on top of the mushrooms were strange creatures that looked like someone had put frogs, kangaroos, and something along the line of crabs in a bag, shook it up, and came up with these. Then they took buckets of every color that was yet to be created and poured it over them.
"They're lovely," lilted Luna. "And I love their singing. I had heard of them, of course. But I had never seen one. I wish I could take one home with me."
They listened to the rhythmic symphony of the falling rain until it ended. Then the rabbit took Luna's hand and stepped out from under their shelter. He led her up the path through the incredible foliage. Overhead, some creatures that looked like multicolored, overinflated birds with tiny wings were floating by. Their voices were like a bunch of people who did not know the words to a song trying to cover up by humming.
"Those are dabberblimps," laughed the rabbit in an amused voice. "Someday they will figure out the words to that song and we'll need to give them a new name."
"I heard they are dangerous," said Luna.
The rabbit chuckled at the notion of them being a threat. "The only thing you have to worry about with them is having one poop on your head."
"Oh my," said Luna. "Then my father was all wrong. He always said we should be scared of them."
The rabbit laughed and laughed as they walked. "Who'd ever be scared of them?" he snorted. "Now an Umgubular Slashkilter. There's something to be scared of. Twelve tentacle arms and sixteen eyes. Nasty temper. Knifelike fingers that can cut you to pieces in a second. You don't want to meet one of them now. Do you?
"Certainly not, sir. They sound most frightening," agreed Luna.
They continued walking through trees with multi-colored leaves as big as Hagrid's coat. The trumpet-shaped flowers honked every time an insect that looked like a bee flew into it.
"Where are we going, sir," asked Luna.
"There, of course," answered the rabbit.
"There?"
"Yes, there. We are here, so we must be going there. Where else would we go?"
"Of course," replied Luna. "I should have known."
Their course continued. They were now passing through lush fields and across flowing streams. They had just entered a wooded area when a strange, smoky aroma filled her nose. As they rounded a bend in the path, they walked up on a small, caterpillar-like creature puffing on a water pipe and blowing progressions of smoke rings that were linking themselves together in an ever-growing chain.
The rabbit bowed in a show of respect to this strange, green being. "Greeting oh wise worm," he said.
The caterpillar paused his exhaling of smoke rings, "Cater…pillar, Mr. Fuzz Hopper."
"Rabbit," replied the rabbit in response to the slight sent back his way by the caterpillar. Luna immediately sensed a tension between the two of them.
"So…Mister—uh—Rabbit…who is this…that travels with…you?" continued the caterpillar in a cadence that reminded Luna of Severus Snape.
"Luna. Luna from the world above."
"Are you the real Luna?" he inquired, suddenly seeming to take more than a casual interest in her. "I rather doubt it."
I don't know, sir," replied Luna in her customary, polite manner. "I am Luna…Luna Lovegood. I do not know if I am the 'real' Luna about whom you are speaking."
"Well then…" said the caterpillar as he paused to inhale from his pipe. "Who…" he continued by exhaling an R, a U, and a ? as he looked at her.
"I told you. I am Luna Lovegood."
"Yes…" he replied. "But I do not believe you are…the real Luna. Not…hardly."
"I am sorry if I am not the real Luna, sir. I can only be who I am."
"Ob…viously. And that is what I want to know. Come back when you know who…" he paused and exhaled a smoky U and R.
Luna started to respond, but he blew a large cloud of smoke into her face causing her to cough. When she finally caught her breath, all she saw was the caterpillar, who had turned into a butterfly, taking flight and disappearing.
"He is not very nice," said Luna to the rabbit.
He is very wise, but he is often quite rude. Perhaps we can find better counsel at a tea party."
"Whatever you say, sir."
They continued walking onward through the bizarre world as Luna enjoyed the beauty of the place with its colorful foliage and strange insects and animals. She was amused by what appeared to be two little, fat boys playing in a pond. They were tossing a pale creature that resembled a human brain back and forth while talking much in the way Fred and George trash-talked each other.
“I believe that creature is an aquavirius maggot,” she said. “My father told me about them years ago.”
“Yes. It is,” replied the rabbit.
Up ahead, she could hear noises much like one might expect from a party. As they emerged from the forest into a clearing she saw a large, long table covered with dishes, silverware, teapots, and teacups.
At the head of the table was a man in a brightly-colored suit and exceptionally tall top hat. Seated along the sides of the table was a cat with glowing turquoise eyes and a big smile. Across from him sat a dormouse wearing a pink coat, a purple vest, a white shirt, and a bowtie. Her patronus was seated there as well. A teapot, cups, and other items were splashing and flying about in the chaos. They were all drinking tea and carrying on quite crazily.
"My," said Luna to the rabbit. "They look like they are having quite a bit of fun."
"What else would you do at a tea party?" laughed the hare with crazy eyes and a bent ear seated at the Hatter's party, as if everything occurring was quite normal and natural.
“That’s Sousa, the March Hare,” said the rabbit. “He looks deranged now, but you should see him in March.”
"AH! Rabbit! Luna!" exclaimed the Hatter, standing up and looking at her. "You're late. Where have you been? Cheshire saw you headed this way a while ago. We've been expecting you."
"That's not Luna," said the dormouse, looking directly at her. "At least not the real Luna."
"Why of course it is," responded the Hatter. "I'd recognize her anywhere. Come. Sit down. Have a cup of tea."
The rabbit led her to the table and seated her beside her patronus. He poured her a cup of tea. Then he poured one for himself in a cup with no bottom. He added some cream and sugar to his cup and then looked very confused as he picked it up to take a sip and found it empty.
"What brings you here, Luna?" asked the Hatter, smiling a most silly and superfluous smile while gazing at her with his large, dizzying eyes.
“Mr. Rabbit, of course," answered Luna.
"I told you she is the real Luna," stated the Hatter, pouring tea in his hat and taking a drink from it.
"She is not the real Luna," reiterated the dormouse as she threw a saucer at Luna. Her patronus deflected it away.
"Nonsense," rebuffed the Hatter as he continued drinking from his hat. "I have never seen anyone who was more of the real Luna than her.
The dormouse frowned and crossed its tiny arms as it dodged a flying teacup aimed at it by the hare. The Cheshire cat evaporated except for its eyes and smile, wishing to avoid involvement in this debate.
“Where are you going, Luna?"
"I am trying to find my way home, sir," she answered.
"Home?" said the Hatter in an inquiring voice. A teacup whizzed over his head, to which he responded by throwing a flamingo that had been standing nearby at the hare. "Where is home?"
"Up there," she answered, pointing skyward. "In the world above this world."
"AH! Now we are getting somewhere," stated the Hatter as he threw a sugar bowl at a nearby hedgehog causing it to curl into a ball and roll away through the legs of the flamingo that was walking back toward the table. "You are here, but you want to be there."
"Yes, sir," said Luna.
"I suppose you have already discussed this with the caterpillar."
Yes, but he was not much help. Actually, he was quite rude."
"Damn that infernal worm," cursed the Hatter, throwing a cup he had just caught back at the hare. "He acts like the wisest being in the world, but he is never any help."
"Can you help me get home, Mister Hatter?"
"Perhaps," he grinned," if you can answer a riddle that has been bothering me for years."
"I will try, sir," she answered.
"Very well, then. Why is a raven like a writing desk?"
"Excuse me," said Luna with a puzzled expression, wondering if she had heard him correctly."
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" he repeated. "I have never been able to figure that one out."
"Well," the activity at the table came to a halt as they all looked at her. "It can both produce notes, even though they are flat. And it is never put with the wrong end in front. Is that it?"
No one moved. No one had ever offered an answer to that question in the past, not even a wrong one. There was a silence that might have been a first for this place in a very long time. All eyes were now on the Hatter.
He stood, deathly still for several moments. Then his face lit up with a bigger smile than one might consider possible. "Of course" he exclaimed. "It is so simple. I cannot imagine how I did not see it."
Wonderful," smiled Luna, pleased with herself. "Now, sir, if it is not too much trouble, which way must I travel to get back to my home."
"You already traveled this way to get here. You must go that way to get back," he replied without pointing or offering to take her.
And which way is that way," she inquired. All four of them seated at the table pointed in different directions.
"I told you she is not the real Luna," said the dormouse. "The real Luna would know that way from this way."
"Nonsense, naysayer," said the Hatter, standing back up and taking Luna's hand.
Luna stood up, ready to go. The Hatter recited 'The Mushroom Poem', as he called it while leading her to the other end of the table.
If you choose to eat white
You will soon feel alright
But if you eat from red
You will very soon be dead
The eating of the green
Will treat your tummy mean
You'll need to eat yellow
To make it feel mellow
If you dare to eat the gray
Then your mind goes astray
You will need to eat brown
To bring you back aroun'
If you ate from a blue
Then much bigger you grew
When you find need to shrink
You will need to eat pink
Once he finished his poem, he said, "There, just keep going in that direction. It will take you directly to there. You can't possibly miss it."
Luna accepted this was going to be the extent of the help she would receive from the participants at the tea party. She walked into the colorful background until she could no longer hear the chaos of the strange group.