Remus didn’t come back to Hogwarts this year.
No, this couldn’t be Remus.
Sure, the Remus Sirius knew was a little shy, but certainly not like this. His tall, freckled friend had closed in on himself, shutting out everyone around him and barely speaking unless it was to answer the register or to mumble a quiet goodnight before bed. There were no sarcastic comments, no exasperated yet fond complaints about the other boys’ antics, no gossiping with the girls or happily helping with people’s homework no matter how tired he was. This Remus seemed to shrink, no matter how much space there was, as if he didn’t want to be there at all. It was extremely awkward and unnatural for someone like him to try and hide away. He could never hide from Sirius.
In the 2 weeks since they came back for their 4th year Remus had remained a ghost. James suggested that he was just tired from the hols, maybe had some bad transformations, and that he’ll open up and be back to normal in no time, but he hadn’t and Sirius certainly wasn’t the only one to notice it.
“We could get him some chocolate, maybe? The first trip to Hogsmeade is in a few days so we could go to Honeydukes,” Peter said whilst chewing the end of a pencil.
“I think we need more than chocolate Wormy,” James sighed, “I think something has seriously gone wrong… You’ve both noticed the limp, right?” he asked carefully.
Sirius suddenly felt like he was going to throw up. He’d noticed Remus’ limp as soon as he’d entered the carriage and collapsed on the seat like he’d carried the world all the way from his little town in Wales to King’s Cross. They all knew not to comment on any of Remus’ injuries by now as it caused him to get uncomfortable, but Sirius was just itching to ask if he was alright. The thought of Remus being hurt made his heart ache, especially knowing that he could’ve helped if it was just a bad moon. However, Sirius had a gut feeling that this was something horribly different.
Pete bit the inside of his cheek, “He could’ve fallen or something. You know how clumsy Moony can be-”
“And it was so bad that his father couldn’t heal him?” Sirius cut in, maybe a bit too harshly if the look James gives him is anything to go by, “I want to be as hopeful as you Pete I really do but you can’t look at the shell of my- of our best friend and think that it was something as small and silly as a fall?”
He felt a comforting hand on his shoulder as Sirius sucked in a shuddering breath, leaning into James, forever grateful of his ability to know exactly what he needs without having to say anything.
“I’m going to get him to talk to me.”
“Pads…”
“No- no. I know what you’re going to say but he’s not okay. He needs us and we can only help him if he talks to us. I don’t care how stubborn he wants to be.”
As if on queue, Remus walked into the dorm, freezing like a deer in headlights as he noticed the other three immediately stopping their intense conversation. When his hazel eyes met Sirius’, he felt his heart pounding in his ears; seeing how dull and empty they were, it shattered Sirius’ soul into a million tiny pieces.
“Hey Moons,” James started, cheery and warm, “Fancy a game of chess before-”
The bathroom door slammed shut before he could finish his sentence. They all sighed.
Peter turned to look at Sirius, scratching his neck - a nervous gesture he often did, “This isn’t going to be easy, is it?”
Mournfully, Sirius shook his head.
____
Sirius’ plan was as follows:
- Convince Remus to come to Hogsmeade with him.
- Buy Remus chocolate (suggestion taken from Peter).
- Take Remus to the bookshop.
- Talk so much that Remus will have to respond at some point, even to tell him to shut up.
- Find somewhere private so Remus can confess all his problems and Sirius can fix them.
Boom.
As of now, steps 1 and 2 have successfully been carried out, leading the two boys to be wandering over to the bookshop with a bag full of sweets and a chocolate frog that Sirius had sheepishly presented to Remus. Sirius had continued to chat Remus’ ear off about anything and everything as they moved from building to building, despite not gaining a single response, not even a glance. Until now.
“And so Mary said that red just isn’t my colour which is absolute bullshit if you ask me and-”
“Why couldn’t you hang out with James and Peter again?” Remus mumbled, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.
Bingo. Step 4? Check.
“Well my dearest Moonbeam, they both have dates you see and I’m not allowed to ‘ruin’ the girls' quiet plans either. Plus, I’d rather hang out with you anyway. Don’t tell James, but you’re totally my favourite Marauder,” Sirius smiled up at Remus, though it dropped immediately as he noticed the devastated look on his face.
“Did I say something wrong?” he asked anxiously, twisting the rings around his fingers.
“No,” Remus whispered, looking away again. Sirius wanted his eyes back on him again, wanted to feel their warm embrace. Look at me, look at me.
“Look Sirius I-” his shoulders sank defeatedly, “I’m just… tired. Can we go back? Please?”
Sirius tried not to show the disappointment on his face as he nodded gently, “Of course, whatever you want Moony,” he smiled softly and they turned back towards the castle, this time in silence.
Sirius had to run an errand for a teacher once they got back (rotten timing) and so his heart sank when he came back to an empty dorm, seeing the chocolate frog he bought for Remus left on his bedside table with no other sign of the boy. When Peter and James came back he simply shook his head and they collectively let out a dispirited sigh. They were losing him.
____
The month’s full moon fell 2 days after the failed Hogsmeade mission and the air felt like it was charged with tension, nobody wanting to say anything to Remus in fear of angering him and making everything worse. The boys had figured out about his… condition, back in third year and Remus had a full on breakdown. It was terrifying to see him so scared and what was worse was that he was scared of them- scared his only friends would betray him and tell everyone about him being a werewolf. Since that day, Sirius vowed to himself that he would do everything in his power to prove that Remus could trust him and that he would do anything for him. For weeks he carried Remus’ books, organised his records, made his bed, gave him his only quill when his broke and so on. It got so ridiculous that Remus had to take him aside and apologise for making Sirius feel as though he wasn’t trusted and to beg him to stop. Guiltily, Sirius agreed and apologised too; he just never wanted to lose his friends, especially his Moony.
Now they knew not to bring the subject up, at least not in front of him, and to only be there and treat him as a normal person. Even when they visited him in the hospital wing the day after and they could see both the new and old scars littered across his face and body, they would never dare to mention it to him. Unfortunately, Lily, who had no clue about the monthly, agonising transformations, was brave enough to express her concerns to Remus during dinner.
“Remus, you’ve barely eaten anything all day, love,” she prodded gently.
He didn’t look away from his empty plate.
“I’m not hungry.”
She glanced back at the others who shook their heads vigorously, silently pleading her not to carry on.
“We have a test tomorrow. I really think it would be best for you to eat something so you-”
“I said I’m not fucking hungry!” Remus shouted, slamming his fist down onto the table as he stood up, a furious expression on his face and Sirius swore he saw his eyes flash a dangerous yellow.
“For once can you just shut the fuck up and leave me the hell alone!”
Lily flinched back, shrinking into her seat. The whole hall had gone quiet and everybody was watching, whispering to their friends and waiting for the next explosion. It didn’t come. As soon as Remus had seen the horrified look on his friends’ faces, his expression cleared and was replaced by one of instant regret.
“I- I need to go-” he whispered before dashing out of the hall.
Sirius looked over at James, a silent conversation passing between the two friends. In the end James nodded and got up, heading out in order to check the infirmary and if he wasn’t there to let Madame Pomfrey know that tonight would probably be a bad one. Sirius looked over to Peter who nodded too with a small smile, moving over to the girls to make sure they were okay and to reassure Lily that it wasn’t her fault. It was times like these that Sirius was grateful that he was so close with his friends- they managed to know what was needed without saying anything and they could all trust each other to get things done.
Sirius’ job was to go and grab the map in case Remus wasn’t at the infirmary and to make sure he was okay. Of course, knowing his luck, as soon as Sirius was walking down the corridors, Mulciber and his slimy friends showed up with disgusting smirks on their faces.
“Oi Black! What’s up with your friend, hm?” he asked with a snigger, standing in front of him and making Sirius come to a stop, clenching his fists at his sides, “Is it his time of the month or something?”
“Piss off Mulciber. I don’t have time for your stupid shit. Now get out of the way before I make you.”
“So touchy… Aw- did Loony Lupin shout at you too? Looks like he’s finally gone off the rails. Everyone knew it would happen- I mean just look at all those ugly ass scars on his face. Can’t tell anyone that freak’s normal.”
They all cackled and Sirius felt the burning hot anger shoot through his body and straight to his fist which harshly collided with Mulciber’s nose. Sirius grinned as the sickening crunch informed him that it must have hurt like an absolute bitch, though there wasn’t much time to celebrate as his group of cronies all tackled him to the ground, shoving his face onto the hard floor and throwing his wand to the side rendering him defenceless.
Mulciber looked at him in fury, his nose horribly crooked and blood gushing down onto his robes.
“You’re going to fucking pay for that you filthy blood traitor,” he spat before shouting out the spell Sirius had heard far too many times to count, and yet, the ice-cold dread he felt before it hit him never went away.
The pain was instantaneous and Sirius could do little to stop himself from crying out in agony as he convulsed on the floor. It only lasted less than a minute as a shout was heard from the other end of the corridor, causing them to run away and leave him shaking on the floor, but it was enough to make the world go black soon after he was released from the curse.
____
When Sirius woke up next, he wasn’t on the floor in the hallway nor was he in his own bed, he was in the infirmary. Daylight streamed through the windows, casting the empty room in an early morning glow. Well, nearly empty. As Sirius sat up, throwing the white bed covers off of his body he made eye contact with a familiar mousy-haired boy in the bed adjacent to his own.
His eyes widened, “Moony-”
“What happened, Sirius?”
Remus looked terrible, frankly, sporting a new ragged gash that stretched from the top of his eyebrow, over the bridge of his nose and to the corner of his mouth. Sirius came to the sudden conclusion that he still found him utterly breathtaking. So much that he froze, earning a harsh glare in response.
“Sirius.”
“It’s morning already?” Sirius laughed tensely, looking away towards the windows, “Merlin I haven’t had a night’s sleep like that since forever… Madame Pomfrey must have all the good stuff- might have to ask to borrow some.”
“Sirius.”
“I’m sure she could spare some- don’t you think?”
“Sirius!”
He grimaced and turned back to face him, “Yeah…?”
Remus looked at him, unimpressed, “Why are you here? What happened?”
Sometimes Sirius wished Remus wasn’t so stubborn. His rather humiliating encounter with Mulciber wasn’t something he’d like to recount, especially as his hands were still shaking and his muscles were sore.
“Nothing. Just an accident…”
Remus narrowed his eyes at him and Sirius shifted in his seat, uncomfortable under his intense scrutiny. It didn’t take long for him to give in.
“Fine. I was coming to find you and Mulciber and his lot started talking shit so I decked him and then he cursed me. That’s it. I’m fine anyway.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“Merlin Remus, can you just drop it? It’s over and done with now- nothing I haven’t dealt with before. Plus those idiots aren’t worth wasting time on.”
After a moment of silence, Remus let out a frustrated sigh, “Were they talking about me? Is that why you punched him?”
Sirius sighed, “Remus I’m not going to just let them talk about you like that-”
“I didn’t ask you to defend me.”
“You didn’t have to. I will always defend you Remus because you’re my friend and I care about you-”
“I don’t want you to! I don’t fucking want you to care about me!”
Sirius’ shoulders dropped dejectedly, “I don’t understand. Why can’t you just talk to me? Everyone has noticed how distant you’ve become and we’re your friends Remus- if you’d just tell us what’s wrong then maybe we can help instead of just pushing us away.”
“Have you considered that maybe I just don’t want to be around you guys anymore? That- That maybe I don’t want to be your friend?”
Sirius might have believed him if he didn’t notice the minute waver to his voice and how his bottom lip quivered. He was a good liar, but just not good enough.
“You don’t mean that,” he shook his head, “I know you, Remus. Don’t try and lie to me and say that you would rather be alone.”
At this point Madame Pomfrey came in, clearly sensing the strained atmosphere in the room and wisely deciding not to comment on it. As she came to check up on Sirius, out of the corner of his eye he noticed Remus pulling the curtains around his bed shut, hiding away from the world once again.
Sirius was let out of the infirmary an hour or so later with the promise of going straight to his room to rest. He was also warned that he would have to speak to McGonagall about what happened with Mulciber that would provoke him to use the Cruciatus Curse because, of course, they managed to figure that part out. Apparently he was in the running to be expelled, but Sirius doubted that would happen with the amount of money Mulciber’s family had. He just hoped the story didn’t get out to any of the other students.
As soon as he walked through the door to his dorm he was tackled into a hug by James to which he melted into immediately, pressing his face into his best friend’s shoulder whilst trying to hold back the tears that were desperately trying to fight their way to the surface.
“Merlin I was so worried about you,” James muttered, pulling away only enough so he could look at his face, “I was in the hospital wing when they brought you in- I heard them say something about an attack but they wouldn’t let me see you I swear I tried-”
“It’s okay Prongs,” Sirius smiled as best as possible, “I’m okay.”
James just shook his head, “You’re not, are you?”
That was all it took for the sobs to break through as he clutched onto his brother; his lifeline.
____
That night, Sirius lay awake despite sleeping in the same bed as James which would usually help. He was restless, his fight with Remus replaying over and over in his head.
“You didn’t have to. I will always defend you Remus because you’re my friend and I care about you-”
“I don’t want you to! I don’t fucking want you to care about me!”
How could he ever stop caring about his dear Remus? The mere thought of living his life without him stole the oxygen from his lungs and made the stars seem dimmer in the midnight sky. It just wouldn’t be the same- it wouldn’t be worth it.
Since before they met on the train 4 years ago, Sirius had always felt as if a part of him was missing, leaving an empty gaping hole that left him cold and longing. He hadn’t known what he had been longing for until he first encountered the boy with the freckles and messy brown hair and the most awkward, adorable crooked smile. Suddenly, Sirius had something, someone, to fight for. Something to lose. And now that losing Remus was a high possibility? Sirius’ heart ached. Their relationship transcended that of simple friendship… Sirius had always known it, but only now was he realising what that could mean. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once, knowing that you would happily spend every moment of your life with someone and never get bored, even if you could never truly have as much of them as you desire.
Carefully, Sirius peeled away from James who was wrapped around him like a koala, placing a pillow in his arms where his own body should be. Being as quiet as possible, he pulled the map out of his bedside drawer, expecting to see Remus still in the hospital wing. What he didn’t expect was to see his name in some random room he had never seen before, unmoving and tucked away from the main parts of the castle. He didn’t know if students were even allowed in that area, yet he still wrapped the invisibility cloak around himself and headed out of the Gryffindor common rooms, map still in hand.
Surprisingly, when Sirius found him the door was left open and there Remus sat in front of a large mirror in an otherwise empty room. The moonlight streamed through the window, illuminating his sorrowful face and making him look so ethereal Sirius could feel his heartbeat grow quicker the more he stared. Sirius always found it quite ridiculous how the muggles would believe in God and divine beings, but right now he understood. For if he was less aware of the truths of the universe, he would believe that this was an angel sat before him.
“The Mirror of Erised,” Remus mumbled, turning to look directly at Sirius despite him still being invisible. Slowly, as if not to scare him off, he pulled the cloak off and moved to sit beside him.
“It shows us what we desire most in the world… I had no idea it was here,” he continued, looking back at the impressive monument in front of them.
Sirius studied him for a moment like one would admire the marble statues at an art museum, “What do you see then?” he whispered.
Remus’ eyes glistened and he sniffed quietly. He'd been crying.
“Myself… Or well- who I could’ve been. No scars… Eyes that don’t look back at me with disgust and hatred,” he sighed and then turned to Sirius.
“What about you?”
Hesitantly, Sirius looked away from him and into the mirror. His eyebrows furrowed.
“It must be broken for me… All I see is us.”
He almost wept in relief as he felt Remus’ head gently rest on his shoulder a few seconds later and his hand found Sirius’ even in the dark.
He doesn’t know how long they sat like that in comfortable silence, but what he does know is that he would stay like that forever if it meant keeping Remus close to him. He would suffer through the backache, the dehydration and malnutrition- all of the suffering the world had to offer just so he could remain by his side. Remus is the first one to break the silence, and in doing so shatters Sirius' heart.
“There’s this uhm, this bridge, back home. It’s pretty secluded and goes over this really pretty river that my Mum used to take me to when I was younger before… before she passed away. This summer, Sirius, it was bad,” he whispered shakily and Sirius squeezed his hand gently, a quiet encouragement.
“My Dad was under tons of stress from work and it just- it made everything worse. He wouldn’t stop shouting and drinking and well, I wasn’t feeling great even before that. And then one night I came home late and he just went off about how much of a burden I am and that- that I was the reason my mother was dead and he’d trade me for her in a heartbeat. I’d been drinking a bit too so it was just this big spat and I stormed out after he threw a bottle at the wall next to me and I just thought that I never wanted to go back to that house again. Next minute I was standing on the edge of the bridge… And I just… Jumped. It felt like the easiest option but I even managed to fucking screw that up too and all that came from it was a concussion and a broken leg. My father wouldn’t even look at me. Left me in hospital for the remainder of the holidays until I came back here. I haven’t told anyone else.”
As Remus finished his story, Sirius could see he was trying so hard to hold back his emotions and stay strong. He had no idea what to say and was sure that anything he may have come up with would not have been enough. So he simply wrapped his arms around the broken boy next to him and pulled him into his chest where he broke down into heaving sobs, finally letting go.
“Everything was just too much- I- I can barely stand to look at myself anymore Sirius,” he hiccupped, “I fucking hate myself and this part of me and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like I have these voices in my head that are constantly reminding me of how much of a monster I am and that I should be fucking dead- so- so I tried and I failed and I just feel so horrible all the goddamn time-”
“Hey.. Hey shh.. You’re okay. I have you,” Sirius whispered, cradling the back of his head and pressing a kiss to his hair, “Remus you are not a monster. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, especially that awful piece of shit father of yours. I know you. I know you like… Like the Earth knows the Sun, and I know for a fact that you do not have the capability to be anything monstrous.”
Cupping his face delicately, he made sure that Remus was looking at him as he softly swiped away his tears with his thumb.
“We’ve all got light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on, that’s who we really are,” he smiled gently, “And you, Remus, you always choose the light. For me, you are the light,” he whispered.
Remus looked at Sirius, eyes glassy and starstruck as a smile slowly formed on his lovely lips. This wasn’t his usual wonky smile, this was a new one. A soft, beautiful smile meant only for Sirius and he would be damned if he didn’t make the most of it. And so that’s how he found himself leaning forward, gently pressing his own lips against Remus’. When he pulled back, Remus had a shocked expression on his face and Sirius felt his heart drop.
“Oh no- oh Merlin I shouldn’t have done that. You’re upset and I- I just kissed you without asking and-”
Before he could continue, Remus took hold of his chin and pulled him back, kissing him again. There was no other way to describe it other than… magical. It was pure magic. Sirius did not envy the poets who had to try to find words to describe this feeling because it was impossible to communicate such love and warmth through something as simple as words.
“Oh you wonderful fool…” Remus murmured, resting his forehead against Sirius’, “I should have known I could never hide from you. Thank you.”
Sirius just smiled, “Anything for my Moony.”