a small "rem?" accompanied by a muted sniffle pulled remus out of his restless sleep.
"what could you possibly want now, sirius?" they'd hardly spoken since that full moon, nearly three months ago now.
"i- fuck, i shouldn't bother you, i'm sorry," his voice was thick with tears, "never mind, forget i was here, i'm sorry." no matter how far removed the two were, remus would always be able to read sirius, he would always understand the unsaid. whether it be a blessing or a curse, he'd never know.
"sirius?" he sat up, focusing on the boy crossing the dorm.
"it's okay, remus, it's not important. go back to sleep," he didn't need to worry remus any more than he already has.
"come here, padfoot," the name he hadn't used in months seemed to do something as sirius stopped and turned back to his former boyfriend, "come sit." so he did.
sirius shamefully made his way back to remus' four-poster and sat at the foot, as far from remus as he could be.
"what's the matter, sirius?" it was the most gentle he'd been with the boy in a long time.
"it's nothing. i shouldn't have woken you up. really, it's fine." his eyes fixed onto his hands, watching his fingers pick at his palms as if he hadn't been controlling them.
"don't lie to me, you know i hate that."
"it's just- it was just a dumb dream," while no longer lying, he was still clearly avoiding the issue, downplaying his hurt.
"what about?"
"nothing. it was stupid. i'm sorry, you can go back to sleep... sorry." the excessive apologies were a dead giveaway that something was really bothering him. something was really wrong.
"siri, you've never woken me up over a 'dumb dream' before. talk to me, tell me what's bothering you." he was growing more concerned by the second, anger and resentment have lost their place in his heart.
"i, um- well, i know we aren't really talking anymore and i know that's my fault but you, um... you told me to come to you if i ever-" remus knew just where this was going and it tore his heart to pieces. "and i do. rem, i really do-" sirius choked on a sob, "i want to and i don't know what to do about it. you said to come to you and i really didn't want to upset you so i tried to stay away but i- i can't anymore. i'm afraid-" he cut himself off with a shuddered inhale, "i'm afraid if i stay away any longer i won't be coming back again."
"sirius-"
"i mean, if that's what you'd prefer, that i stop coming back, that's fine. i understand, really. i don't want to make you uncomfortable, i just wanna stop hurting you. if you- if this is what you want you can tell me, you don't have to lie to me. just tell me what you want me to do and i'll do it, i promise." his tears fell freely, regardless of how hard he tried to stop them.
"love, come here," he urged sirius to move closer. when the boy didn't move, remus took his hand and pulled him to his side, "i don't care how mad at you i am, i do not want you to hurt yourself, okay?" he felt sirius' muscles relax and continued, "i'm so proud that you came to me. i know it was hard for you, especially given everything that's happened."
"i just- i couldn't do it anymore. then i just had to have this stupid fucking dream and- i needed to know. i needed to know what to do." he gave up on trying to hide it, his sobs were only getting heavier.
"you did the right thing," he pulled the breaking boy into his chest, held him firmly in his arms, "you know, i can't forgive you if you're not here to forgive. and i don't want you going anywhere before i do. i just need some time to be mad, but it'll pass." sirius held onto him, anchoring himself to the world, his world. he was afraid he'd let go and it would just be another dream. he needed to know this was real.
"i'm sorry," he forced through his tears.
"i know, love. it'll be okay." remus leaned the two of them back, lying sirius on his chest as he continued to hold him close.
they stayed like that for a bit, allowing time for the smaller boy to steady himself as remus whispered encouragements in his ear. once sirius felt like he could breathe again, remus pulled the blanket over the two of them.
"you never said what your dream was about." sirius tensed and remus' arm tightened around him. " 's alright, you can tell me."
"it-it was... i came to you. i told you, like-like just now, but you-" he paused to take a breath, "you told me to do it. among other things. you said you wanted me to so i-i did."
"you were right, it was a pretty dumb dream. i'd never be foolish enough to let you do that," now, despite his effort to lighten the mood, he was tearing up, "i'm sorry you thought that, i'm sorry i pushed you so far away that you could believe that."
"it was just so real, y'know? i thought, maybe it was a prediction or something, maybe something from divination finally stuck, and i needed to know for sure. i needed to know if it was really the end." he looked up, finding moony's eyes for the first time in ages. "i would've," he whispered, "if you said so, i would've."
"i will never, never ask you to do anything like that, okay? never. i know i haven't shown it but i do still care about you. i never wanna know what life is like without sirius black."
"i love you, moony."
"i love you too, padfoot, always will," he pressed a soft kiss against sirius' forehead, "get some sleep, love. i'll be right here when you wake up."
things may still be complicated between them, it'll take some time to repair what they once had. but no matter the phase, new or full or anywhere in between, the moon will forever illuminate the stars, and the stars will forever shine bright under the moonlight.