“Rem?”
“Go away.” He said, glancing at Sirius, seeing the cups of tea in his hand as he stood in the doorway.
“We need to talk.”
“I don't want to.”
“But we need to.” Sirius said, walking over to him. He set one of the cups on the coffee table, before going to sit on the sofa, as far away from Remus as he possibly could. “We can't keep doing this.”
“Doing what?” He asked, taking the cup of tea Sirius had left him.
“You know…” he trailed off, looking at Remus, who just stared in front of him, or into the tea cup, anywhere else but him. “This, we can't just keep ignoring each other all the time. It's-” he paused for a moment, trying to phrase his thoughts that they'd make sense. “It's just not right.”
“You're one to talk about what's right and what's not.” Remus said, trying to avoid the actual topic of, well, he didn't know what to call it anymore. It wasn't a fight or an argument, it had been going on for longer than either of those should. “Sirius, I think- I think I need some time.”
“Some time? We've, you've had plenty of time for the past two weeks.”
“Some time alone, Sirius.” He said, and Sirius couldn't help but just stare at him, almost dropping his cup. They were alone all the time, despite being in the same house almost all the time, sleeping in the same bed. But they didn't talk, and if they did, it turned into an argument.
“I've been thinking of going back home for a bit. Back with mum.” Remus said, looking into his cup. “I just need time alone, and seeing you every day is not alone. And I think it'll do some good for us to be away from each other for a while.”
“For a while? How-how long is that?”
“I don't know, Sirius.” He said, glancing at Sirius before taking a sip of his tea, it was made just like he liked it, and that felt like someone stabbed him right in the heart. The fact that Sirius still did that when they were like this.
“How long are we going to do this?” He asked then, hoping he wouldn't get another, I don't know, as a response. “So you're gonna go away and all I can do is wait what comes through the door, you or divorce papers, is that it? Is that what you want to do?”
“I don't know Sirius. I don't fucking know.” He said, getting up from his spot. “I'll call you, or something.” He muttered, before walking out of the room. Sirius could hear the cup being placed in the kitchen sink before Remus made his way up the stairs.
“So you're really going to go?” Sirius asked quietly as Remus came downstairs half an hour later with a back bag hanging over his shoulder.
“Yeah.” He sighed. “I'm not going forever, maybe. I don't know.”
“M-maybe?” He choked out as the front door opened and closed. He just stared at the front door in disbelief. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
—
He heard a key turn in the lock, but he just continued to stare at the wall, in front of him, from where he was laying on the sofa. The door closed, and someone kicked off their shoes. He closed his eyes, thinking it was Remus who forgot something and came to fetch it, and he definitely didn't want to see him. Then the sofa dipped slightly as someone sat down next to him.
“Go away.”
“I won't.” He opened his eyes, seeing James. “Remus called.” James explained.
“Tell him to fuck off.”
“I didn't come because of him, I came because of you, idiot.” He said, and Sirius just nodded, shifting his gaze, so he was looking at the wall again. “What happened?”
“He left.”
“Where and when, how long have you laid there?”
“To his mum's and, I don't know, a few hours?”
“Sirius, it's already evening. Almost nine.” He said, and Sirius just shrugged, had it really been that long? “Well if you haven't moved all day we probably should eat something, right?”
“I don't want to.” He said, glancing at James. “Why're you here?”
“Because that's what friends do, now what do you want to eat?”
“Nothing.”
“Sirius.”
“James, I don't want to. I just want to be alone, so please go away.”
“I don't think it's good for you to be alone right now, I think that's why Remus called.”
“I don't fucking care what you or Remus thinks, just go away.” He said, now looking at James, he looked worried, and he felt bad for making James worried about him, but still, he just wanted to be alone. “I'm an adult, I'm fully capable of taking care of myself, so I don't need you here to look after me.”
“I know you are, and if you really want to be alone, I'll go home. But I'll be back tomorrow, okay?”
“Whatever.” He mumbled, turning around, so his back was facing James and the wall he had been staring at. He closed his eyes, waiting for James to get up and leave. And after a few moments, he did get up, but he didn't go out, but started moving around in their house, at least from what he could tell by the sound of footsteps going around.
After a while, they came back to the living room, and he heard James set something down on the table, and a blanket draped over him. Then he left, leaving Sirius alone again. He turned around to see what James had left for him. There was a bottle of water and a sandwich on the table, and a note, but he couldn't quite see what it said.
He didn't feel like eating, the thought made him feel sick for some reason. He still appreciated it, of course he did, he just didn't want it. So he turned back, facing the back of the sofa. He pulled the blanket better over him, pulling it up to his chin.
They had been fighting for a while now, to the point neither of them really remembered what it had originally been about. But Sirius never thought this would be the end result, that he'd be left alone.
A long time ago, back when they were both in school, they had promised this would never happen. That they'd be together forever. And maybe it was childish to believe that it would actually be like that, but still, he'd very much like to believe that Remus will come back, without divorce papers for him to sign.
It felt unreal, and Sirius didn't know what to think about. He didn't want to think about Remus, but that was all he could think about.
He knew Remus wouldn't make a decision like that just all of a sudden. He wouldn't just leave without talking about it or explaining. But what if something had changed? What if that was the last time? What if it was all over now, and he couldn't even do anything about it.
They had been together since they were fifteen, so he couldn't just decide one day that it was over now, right? He was just scared, not sure if he wanted to know what was going to happen next. Scared that he’d be alone forever, even though he really knew that he wouldn’t be alone. He had a lot of friends, but without Remus it would feel like he was alone.
– – –
When he finally got to the driveway of his mother's house, he realized that he hadn't even told her he was coming. What if she wasn't even home? The lights were on, so she probably was. He knocked on the door, waiting for it to open. "hi, mum."
"What are you doing here?" She asked, letting him in. "Did something happen? You usually always call."
"Can I stay with you for a bit?" He asked, ignoring her question, because he really didn't know how to explain the situation.
"Of course you can." She said, closing the door behind her, and looking at her son, he looked sad. "Let's go to the kitchen, have some tea?" Remus just nodded, following after Hope and sitting down at the kitchen table while she made them tea.
The cup was placed in front of him, and Hope sat across from him, holding her cup in both of her hands. "Remus?" She called, trying to get him out of his thoughts, and he did look up for a second before going back to staring into his cup. "what happened?"
"Nothing." He whispered, trying to hold back the tears. "Nothing happened, mum. Don't worry."
"You can tell me, I'll listen."
After a while of thinking, he told her. Everything he could possibly tell, and she listened, like she always did. He cried too, more than he'd like to admit, or have his mother see. But she still listened, and comforted him.
– – –
Sirius fell asleep at some point during the night, it was a restless sleep, and he woke up a few times, but passed out again after a few minutes. It was twelve when he woke up next, he woke up to the sound of the door opening. He opened his eyes, only to close them again as the bright sunlight came through the window. He groaned, shifting so his face was hidden in the pillows, shielding him from the sunlight.
"Sirius? You awake?"
"Mhm." It was James, again. "Go away, 'm sleepin' "
"You just said you're awake, c'mon up." Sirius shook his head, pulling the blanket over his head. "Have you moved at all?"
"Got nowhere to go." He mumbled, and James sat down next to him, pulling the blanket off. Sirius turned around so he was laying on his back, looking at him. "Why do you have our key?"
"You gave it to me when you moved."
"Did I?"
"Yeah you did, did you sleep at all?"
"Few hours. Passed out I think." He said, slowly sitting up, resting his back against the arm rest. "Why're you here?"
"Because I told you I would be. I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine, Jamey." He said. "If I need help, I'll ask, okay? I just want to be alone."
"Will you?"
"Yes, give me the key."
"Sirius-"
"Give me the key." He repeated. James hesitated before digging the key out of his pocket and giving it to Sirius.
"Have you eaten anything?" James asked, biting the inside of his cheek, he was actually worried. Sirius shook his head, continuing to stare at him. "Can you eat something, please? Then I promise I'll leave you alone." He said after a while, he was scared if he left now, something would happen.
"I promise to eat something. Now please leave, I want to be alone." James nodded, getting up. "I'll call you later, okay?"
"Okay."
He sighed when he heard the door close and lock behind James. He tossed the key onto the table, slowly getting up to go to the kitchen. He did feel quite weak if he was honest, a bit dizzy and nauseous, so maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to have some food in his system. He hadn't eaten for over a day, and that couldn't be good.
–
For the next few weeks neither of them spoke to each other, and barely to anyone else either. James and Lily visited a few times, well more than few but Sirius only let them in a few times. Remus mostly stayed in his old bedroom, trying to focus on work things or just on something that would take his mind off Sirius, but most of the time it didn't work.
When he finally called Sirius, it took a long time until he picked up. "hey."
"Hey." He mumbled, not sure what he should say. It was quiet for a few minutes, neither of them not saying anything. "Why did you call?"
"I said I would."
"But why now, Remus?"
"I don't know.” He said quietly. "I was thinking if I come back home, so we can talk. Properly."
"Yeah, okay." He whispered, looking around, he'd need to clean up, how did he let it get this messy. "When?"
"Probably tomorrow it's already late." Sirius nodded, even though Remus couldn't see it. It was quiet again for a while. "I love you, Sirius." He whispered, not sure if Sirius wanted to hear that, but he just felt like he needed to say it.
"I-i love you too, rem." He whispered, before hanging up the phone. He wiped his eyes with his sleeves, before getting up. He really needed to clean in here before Remus came home. He didn't want Remus to be mad about the state of their home.
He picked up all the trash and empty bottles from everywhere, throwing them away. Then he washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, it was messy even though he hadn't cooked that much. He even changed the bedsheets, though he doubted that Remus would stay. Sirius was pretty much sure that Remus didn't want to say it over the phone, say that it would be over. That they would be over.
After changing the bedsheets he got under the covers, hoping he could just fall asleep and forget everything that was going on. But unfortunately that wasn't how it works. He couldn't sleep, all the thoughts he had been trying to avoid for the past few weeks, came to mind now that he was trying to sleep.
What if he does want to divorce, what if this was it, that it's over now. What if Remus just finally had enough, it would be understandable, and Sirius couldn't really blame him if that's what he wants or thinks.
But he didn't know what he'd do without him, He was lost without Remus. He could barely remember the times before they became friends and later started dating, it had been a long time ago. So it would be hard and weird and miserable to be without him, and he didn't want that.
After only a few hours of restless sleep, he climbed out of bed, it was probably too early to be awake, but he just didn't want to lay in bed until it was a reasonable hour to get up. It felt like their house was haunted with how quiet it was without the tv or radio on like he had had to keep the thoughts away.
He pulled on a hoodie as he walked downstairs, he made some coffee to even look awake because he definitely wasn't feeling awake right now. He sat there for a few hours, not really doing or thinking anything, just watching through the kitchen window as the sun rose and filled the kitchen with golden light.
His eyes were dry and the amount of light started to hurt, so after finishing his third cup of coffee he moved to the living room, the blinds were closed so the sum wouldn't bother him that much there. He turned the radio on, turning the volume down as he went to lay on the sofa.
He had spent so much time inside the past few weeks that he had started to get sick of it, so a little before six in the morning he made his way outside. He started to walk down the street, the sun was still bothering him, and it was a bit cold as he didn't take a jacket with him. But it was nice to get some fresh air after a while.
He did make his way home when it was closer to eight, he made himself a cup of tea when he got inside, then James called him. "Hi." He mumbled, putting the phone on speaker as he took a sip of his tea.
"Hey. Why are you awake so early?"
"Couldn't sleep." He said. "Why'd you call?"
"Just checking up on you. Are you-" James trailed off, trying to rephrase his question.
"I'm not drunk if that's what you're asking." He said, and could hear James sigh in relief on the other end. "Remus is coming home today." He said after a moment of silence. "I don't know if he's staying though."
"Why wouldn't he stay?"
"I don't know." He whispered. "Maybe he's finally just had enough."
"Enough of what?"
"Of me."
"I don't think Remus could ever have enough of you." James said. "He's like crazy obsessed with you, it's weird." Sirius smiled slightly, taking another sip of his tea. "And I know you're too."
"But does that matter when all we do is fight all the time?" He asked then, the smile fading. "It can't be healthy."
"You two have always argued a lot."
"James, this isn't just a small argument. Or small fights about unimportant things, like which teacup or jumper is mine or his." Sirius said. "It's stupid but I don't remember why we're fighting but it's bad. And has been for a while."
James was surprised Sirius was opening up now, they hadn't really spoken about it, even though he had tried to talk with Sirius and get him to talk. But he refused everytime.
"It's not a small thing, or it probably was but it's not anymore."
"Sirius-"
"M'sorry I have to go." He said, hanging up the phone, leaning into his hands and letting out a shaky breath. He quickly wiped his eyes, continuing to drink his tea, trying to prepare for whatever was coming.
It was around noon when he heard the front door open and close. Then he heard his backpack drop onto the floor, shoes being kicked off, and footsteps coming towards the living room, where he was. He turned his head to look at Remus as he appeared in the doorway.
"Hey." He whispered, giving him a small smile, it was far from a genuine smile, but at least it was one.
"Hi." He whispered back, looking away. Remus pushed himself off the doorframe, going to sit down onto the sofa next to Sirius, not too close but still next to him. He glanced at Remus, bringing his knees up to his chest. "Are we… Are we going to divorce?" He asked quietly, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer or not.
"No. no, unless-" he trailed off, looking at the floor. "Unless you want to?"
"No. I don't." He whispered. "But is that the right choice?" He looked at Remus who looked lost more than anything. "I-i mean, Remus are you happy with me anymore?" Sirius asked, tears starting to slowly burn in his eyes.
"Of course I am. Sirius, what are you talking about?" He didn't answer but just kept looking at Remus. "Maybe I haven't been the happiest lately, but I'm still happy with you. You make me happy, Sirius, you always have, and still do."
He nodded. "You make me happy too." Sirius whispered, looking down. "But all we've done lately is fight and argue and I'm tired of it. We've fought so much that I don't even remember why we're fighting anymore."
“I don’t either.” Remus admitted. It was quiet for a minute, both trying to think what to say next. “I’m sorry for leaving you like that. And not answering.” He said, not looking away from Sirius even though he wasn’t looking back.
“It’s alright, Rem. I understand.” He said, glancing at Remus to try and show that he was being honest, but quickly looked back down. “I’m sorry too, for everything. I really am, didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“It’s okay, I’m not mad at you Sirius.”
“You were though.” Sirius answered, glancing at Remus again, he gave him a sad smile.
“I know, but I’m not anymore.” Sirius nodded. “You can be mad at me if you want, you have every right to be, but I hope you’re not.”
“I’m not.” He whispered. “And won’t be, I promise.” Remus nodded. Sirius moved so he was sitting a little closer to Remus, and leaned his head on his shoulder. Remus smiled even though Sirius wouldn’t be able to see it, he wrapped his arm around him to pull him a little closer. It was like all the bad things disappeared, like all the wounds had been healed and everything was okay, at least for now, for a moment.
Though there were things they’d still need to talk through and solve, now wasn’t the time for that. Quiet was better for now, instead of the conversation they should be having, there was time to have it later, there was no hurry, not now.
After a while Sirius moved again, this time so he could rest his head on Remus’ chest and he could wrap his arms better around Sirius. They both smiled, and Remus leaned to kiss his head, closing his eyes for a moment, happy that he could now be close to Sirius and everything was alright, at least right now and that was all that really mattered.
“I missed you.” Sirius whispered. “It’s stupid, I know. But I still missed you, moony.”
“It’s not stupid.” He said and Sirius nodded slightly. “I missed you too.”
“You did?” Sirius asked, lifting his head so he could look up to Remus, he smiled with a little laugh.
“Of course I did.” he said, and Sirius nodded, smiling back at him. “Sirius?” Remus asked after a while of them just smiling at each other, Sirius hummed, reaching to brush a strand of hair behind Remus’ ear. “I love you.”
“I love you too, rem.”