Chapter 10
November 24th 1976
Dorcas Meadowes
Newt has gotten better, everything is back to normal now. He’s a happy little salamander again and Dorcas is equally happy about that. She would have run to the world’s end to save him.
Her time with Newt will end soon though she tries not to think about it. Caring for Newt has become comforting for Dorcas. She found that creatures are much easier to be around than people. People are complicated, Newt isn’t. He likes to play with Dorcas and that’s all there is to it. No complications at all.
After everything that happened between her and Marlene. She has been avoiding the girl as much as possible. Marlene tries to talk to her and she often feels the girl’s eyes on her like a laser.
But Dorcas can’t look at her without feeling so many mixed emotions. She can’t handle all of that. She needs to keep control over her magic so therefore she can’t interact with Marlene in any capacity.
So around school she has gotten used to walking different paths than she’s used to to get to her classes to avoid running into her and if McKinnon and herself have to be in the same room, she makes sure it’s impossible for her to even have a chance to glance at her.
Though every evening she still comes to the forbidden forest to take care of Newt. She wasn’t planning on it at first but she still can’t seem to trust McKinnon to take care of Newt by herself. She has screwed up so much, there’s no way Dorcas won’t keep an eye on it and she would miss Newt too much.
Surprisingly these are the moments McKinnon leaves her alone. Still she stares at Dorcas and she has a feeling that Marlene has been drawing her but she doesn’t bother her.
Marlene tried to talk to Dorcas at first but eventually after two days she gave up on it and let Dorcas be. She appreciates it even if she is watching all of Dorcas’ details to draw her. At least she doesn’t try to force her to talk to her or to even look at her.
In classes or around school however, Marlene tries really hard to get her attention. Mostly by pranking Dorcas or by saying rude things like they used to when their rivalry was at its peak. It seems to Dorcas that Marlene is trying to reignite that rivalry.
Not a single thing that Marlene has done or said to Dorcas has made her give the attention McKinnon so desperately wants. Doing so would bring countless complications and she doesn’t need that, no one needs that.
Dorcas finishes up with feeding Newt and she gets up heading straight for the door ignoring the blonde girl sitting a bit further away.
As she reaches for the doorknob, Marlene’s voice makes her stop. “Wait, Meadowes.” Dorcas looks over her shoulder but not in McKinnon’s direction. “Can we talk?”
No. Dorcas thinks but doesn’t say it. No. No. No. Never. Nothing good could come from a conversation between them. Marlene sounds desperate and sad but no she can’t talk to her.
She opens the door without saying a single word and she leaves.
November 28th 1976
Sleep hasn’t come easy to Dorcas. She has been breaking curfew more and more but she can’t stay up in her dorm. She doesn’t like it there. It’s always so dark and her roommates weren’t the best company even when they are just sleeping. So she has been sneaking out. Mostly to go to the Astronomy Tower or the Quidditch Pitch.
Today it’s the latter. Since Slytherin has practice later in the morning anyway she figured she could go a few hours to practise by herself. It’s the best way to get her mind off of McKinnon.
She finishes getting into her quidditch gear and grabs her broom and heads for the pitch. She flies up to one end of the pitch and positions herself in front of the three hoops and casts a simple magnetization charm on the quaffle so it would fly directly to one of the hoops at random.
She catches it and throws it as far away as she can every single time until she finds herself imagining the quaffle as Marlene and every time she throws the quaffle, it always comes back making her grow more frustrated by each time it returns trying to break through her defences. Just like the quaffle, McKinnon also always comes back.
It doesn’t matter how much Dorcas ignores the girl. She comes back to challenge her any chance she gets. But Dorcas can’t give in. She wants to but she can’t.
Dorcas feels the anger rising in her chest as she watches the quaffle return to her with racing speed. She watches it get closer and closer as her anger keeps rising until the quaffle is in her range and she slams her fist against it, sending it hurling all the way across the pitch and it goes right through the middle hoop.
She breathes heavily as her anger dies down and a small smile appears on her face when the quaffle doesn’t return back to her.
“How did you do that?” A voice comes from below her. She doesn’t need to look to know who it is. McKinnon. What is she doing here this early? She knows Marlene is desperate to get her to talk to her, she’s made that very clear but not even the house elves are up preparing breakfast. Why is she?
She feels her anger returning. The quaffle didn’t return but Marlene always will.
“Seriously, how did you do that? I’ve never seen anyone throw a quaffle like that.” Marlene says flying closer to her. Dorcas keeps herself from looking at or talking to Marlene. Though she wants to.
“Fine. Don’t talk. Let’s just play then.” Marlene says and summons the quaffle to her. This is one of the ways Marlene has been trying to get her attention. Being infuriatingly annoying.
Dorcas doesn’t give in though and turns her broom to fly away.
“I get it. If you won’t even look at me, you have no chance of winning. I’d fly away too.” Marlene says which makes Dorcas stop in her tracks. She needs to leave before she actually punches Marlene across the pitch. But she can’t, not when McKinnon is challenging her like this. She never walks away from a challenge and she certainly won’t let Marlene win even if she is still ignoring her.
So she thinks Dorcas can’t beat her without looking at her? Challenge accepted.
December 2nd 1976
Dorcas misses her mum. More than she ever has. She has received letters from her and she sent a couple of books as well just like she does every year though Dorcas hasn’t replied to any of her letters and she’s barely touched one of the books that she has received.
She wants to write back, she really does but she doesn’t know what to say. Every time she tries, she doesn’t sound like herself.
How is she supposed to tell her mum that she’s caring for a creature and loving it, it’s very unlike her. Or the fact that she’s making friends, also very unlike her. It would worry her mum and she doesn’t want to do that. There’s nothing to worry about.
She will be concerned about Dorcas losing control of her magic but she has it under control so there’s no need to worry her mum.
She wants to talk to her mum though, she misses her. She can’t wait to spend Christmas break with her and forget for just a couple of weeks about everything going on at Hogwarts.
Being around her mum has always been easy. Her magic never acted up even if she was feeling very intense emotions. Her mum always seemed to be able to keep it under control just by being around her.
Her mum is a muggle, she doesn’t know anything about magic. Especially not before Dorcas received her Hogwarts letter. Though she dealt with everything Dorcas made happen as a child. Her mum has always been her safe place. Someone she can be free around. She could allow herself to feel whatever she was feeling but once her mum was in a different room as her, her magic would start acting up.
For the most part of her childhood, she did everything with her mum. It’s the only place she has ever felt truly safe from herself.
She longs for that now and she’ll tell everything to her mum over christmas break but now she can’t write it down without her mum nearby or she feels she’ll lose control and blow up the astronomy tower or something.
She is shot out of her thoughts when the door to the Astronomy Tower bursts open. Pandora and Lily walk in who seem to be arguing. More things to add to the list as to why she needs Christmas break right now.
“He’s my friend.” Pandora says barely acknowledging Dorcas who’s sitting on the floor and now has her attention on the arguing couple.
“He’s a death eater and you know it!” Lily yelled with so much anger that Dorcas didn’t think Lily was capable of. Dorcas tries to look away but she doesn’t know where else to look so she looks down at her hands and fiddles with her fingers.
“He’s not, he’s 15.” Pandora argues.
“As if that matters, I’ve been friends with Sirius long enough to know what his parents are capable of doing to him or Regulus.” Lily says. Oh Dorcas definitely shouldn’t be here for this conversation.
So that’s the secret Regulus has been hiding from Pandora all year? There have been rumours around the school about it and Dorcas has guessed at it too but she quickly made herself believe it’s none of her business and she has ignored everything said about it.
“My parents aren’t much better, are you saying I’m a death eater too?” Pandora accuses Lily.
“You know that’s not what I meant.” Lily says in a softer tone. “You should have noticed too that he’s always wearing long sleeves, never shows his arm. Sirius is convinced his parents made him take the mark.”
“What does Sirius know? He was disowned.” Pandora says keeping the argument going. As much as Dorcas loves her best friend she can’t help but side with Lily on this.
Regulus has shown signs that he has in fact taken the dark mark. Even in quidditch, his arm is always covered. He hangs around more and more with the people who go around school calling people names and cursing them. It wouldn’t surprise Dorcas if Regulus said some horrible things to Lily herself since she is muggleborn.
“The whole school knows!” Lily burst out in anger again. “Merlin, if you’re going to defend someone who joins the fight against the existence of people like me, we shouldn’t be together.” She says looking straight into Pandora’s eyes.
Pandora shakes her head and Dorcas can hear her fighting back tears. “No, I-.” She starts but she doesn’t finish her sentence as if she can’t find the words to what she wants to say.
“I’m sorry, Panda.” She says and turns around to leave but Pandora takes her hand and makes her turn back around.
“You can’t leave.” She says trying to sound demanding but it sounds more like pleading.
“Will you stop hanging out with Regulus?” Lily asks, looking straight into Pandora’s eyes with the same anger in her own that’s been present since they arrived here.
“Lily, I- I can’t.” Pandora says holding onto Lily’s hand for dear life as if it’s going to slip away any second. “He’s my oldest friend.”
“Severus was my oldest friend.”
“That’s different.” Pandora says.
“How is that different? He was my best friend just like Regulus is yours. The only difference is that I walked away when it was clear how much he hates muggleborns.” Lily says. “I guess a pureblood like you doesn’t have to worry about that.” She says and walks away before Pandora even gets a chance to answer.
Pandora stands frozen in place staring at the door as Dorcas can hear her start crying. She stands up to stand in front of Pandora to bring her into a hug. She doesn’t hug her back as if she has truly been petrified in place.
“I know it’s true.” Pandora says eventually though she still doesn’t move. Dorcas breaks the hug to look at her. “Regulus told me his parents forced him to do it, to secure him as heir but he didn’t want to.” She fights back more tears.
“You could have told Lily that.” Dorcas says. She doesn’t know if Lily would understand but it couldn’t get worse now right?
“Aren’t you as mad as her?” Pandora questions. It does anger her to know that the seeker of her quidditch team does in fact have the mark and is a death eater, but this isn’t on Pandora. She doesn’t control Regulus. They grew up together, so she thinks it’s fair that Pandora doesn’t want to throw that friendship away.
“At Regulus, yes. At you? Never.” Dorcas says and hugs her best friend again who this time hugs her back.
“What do I do about Lily?” Pandora asks her though she should know Dorcas is the last person to ask for relationship advice.
“I’d say tell her the truth and see where that goes.” Dorcas says not knowing if this will bring any comfort to her.
“She’ll be furious.”
“She already is, I’m afraid.” Dorcas says bluntly though she doesn’t mean for it to come out like that.
“You’re the worst person to go to for comfort.” She says and a little laugh escapes her mouth. “Sorry you had to see all that.”
“I could have a chat with her if you like.” Dorcas suggests.
“With my deepest respect, you’d make her hate me even more.” Pandora says, raising her eyebrows. She has handled situations for Pandora before. More than once, Regulus. But if she were to talk to Lily about all of this, she wouldn’t be doing it like how she would with Regulus.
Dorcas knows where Lily is coming from. Pandora does too but she grew up around these blood supremacists her whole life. It’s easier to excuse someone’s behaviour if you know where it’s coming from.
It doesn’t do any good to Lily though. Lily doesn’t want excuses. She wants to feel safe and if one of her girlfriend’s best friends is someone who is against her existence, it’s normal that she doesn’t feel safe.
Though this is a conversation that Pandora and Lily need to have with each other. Dorcas shouldn’t even have witnessed the fight between them.
“She has heard Sirius’ side in all of this, she doesn’t know Regulus’ side. Tell her the truth, I can’t say she will understand but I don’t think you have another option.” Pandora smiles at the genuine advice she got from her best friend. “Just do me one favour, next time check if a room is occupied before you have a fight with your girlfriend.”
December 6th 1976
“He’s ill again?” Dorcas asks Pandora when she tells her Remus is once again in the hospital wing which is why he wouldn’t join them tonight in the astronomy tower.
“Apparently.” Pandora says.
“What’s wrong with him?” She asks but Pandora just shrugs her shoulders. Dorcas has noticed Remus is ill quite often. He’s only ill for 2 or 3 days at a time but he does look rough every time after his visits to the hospital wing.
Dorcas forces herself to put those thoughts in the back of her mind when she notices Pandora looking down at her own hands as if she lost her world. Which she kind of has, Dorcas thinks.
“Have you talked to him?” She asks. Since Pandora and Lily aren’t cursed when it comes to relationships, they are working things out. Though what Lily wants isn’t an easy thing to make happen.
She wants to get to know Regulus so she can judge for herself if Regulus is not as bad as people think. Dorcas thinks that’s fair. Regulus however would never think like that.
“No, what’s the point? He’ll never agree to it.” Pandora says. “I’d do anything for Lily but I just can’t do this.”
“Should I scare him into doing it?” Dorcas suggests because that’s always the thing she does when Pandora has an issue with Regulus.
Pandora chuckles weakly. “Even if you do, I still think he would never do it.”
“Worth a shot.” Dorcas says, shrugging her shoulders.
“I guess.” Pandora says unsure and Dorcas starts mentally planning how she’ll go about it this time with Regulus.
Pandora and Lily still talk to each other regularly, they still take care of their creature the same way and they are still making the potion that Pandora has been working on for forever, which Dorcas still doesn’t know what it is. The only difference between now and when they were in a relationship is that they’re not around each other every waking moment anymore.
Though Dorcas cares about Pandora’s happiness more than anything so she is set on getting Regulus to agree to let Lily get to know him.
Regulus knows Pandora and Lily broke up, hard not to when the girl walks around the school like she has nothing to live for anymore. He doesn’t know why they ended things. Though Dorcas knows what he would say if he knew the reason. He’d say he’s not responsible for other people's relationship problems.
While Dorcas understands Regulus’ desire to be invisible and not let anyone know him, she doesn’t understand that he wouldn’t do it for his best friend.
If it came to Dorcas, she would let Lily get to know her to a certain degree if it meant Pandora would be happy.
“I’ll talk to him.” Dorcas says and Pandora smiles weakly.
“Thank you.”
They sit in silence for a few minutes just enjoying each other's company in silence. After a while Pandora announces she’s going to bed. Dorcas watches as she leaves and turns her head back to the night sky. She’s not ready yet to go to the dormitories, she wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.
Dorcas’ mind goes back to Remus as she looks up at the moon. It’s a full moon. He was also ill last month when it was a full moon. She remembers cause she had been sitting right here looking at the moon and stars above her just like she is now.
Dorcas doesn’t usually think about other people or what they would be doing at times she wasn’t around. Frankly she doesn’t really care enough to think of things like that. But Remus has caught her curiosity now.
She thinks of all the unusual things about Remus.
He has a lot of scars, Dorcas is sure he’s hiding more but the ones on his face and neck aren’t so easily hidden. They must be magical scars or Professor Pomfrey would have surely gotten rid of them by now. She never bothered to think of it before but she wonders now, how could he have gotten those scars?
She thinks back to the Halloween party back in October. When she made it snow, Remus knew instantly that Dorcas did it. No one has ever suspected her when she made weird things happen but Remus knew. How could he have known in a room full of people that she conjured the snow? Can he detect magic?
Scars, detecting magic and ill during full moons. Remus couldn’t be a werewolf, could he? They surely couldn’t keep him in the hospital wing if he were. Where would they keep him? It couldn’t be safe to keep a werewolf in a school.
If Remus is a werewolf however, nothing bad has ever happened as far as she’s aware so Dumbledore must have found a safe place for Remus to stay during full moons.
Or do they send him back to London to be kept in a cell? Is Remus registered?
A million questions keep floating through Dorcas’ mind. She needs answers. She won’t find them sitting around staring at the moon.
The library. She needs to go there. It’s closed but how hard could it be to break into a library?
In a matter of seconds she picks herself off the floor, grabs her bag and heads out the astronomy tower to make her way to the library. She’ll find a way in when she gets there.
The only thing on her mind the whole way there is Remus and more and more of the weird things associated with him. Like how his friends call him Moony. It feels like that must be related.
She is snapped out of her thoughts when she’s about to turn a corner but she hears voices coming from that corridor.
“You do what you have to do, just seems a bit much for a girl you claim to hate.” She hears Sirius say.
“Are you suggesting I don’t hate her by literally bringing her bad luck for a week?” Marlene’s voice responding to Sirius. Were they talking about her? McKinnon is planning a prank, a week of bad luck?
Dorcas doesn’t get to think about it further when she hears footsteps coming towards her.
“Maybe you’re not aware of it yourself.” Sirius says and the footsteps stop. She sighs a little out of relief. She should walk away before she hears something she doesn’t want to know but for some reason she stays glued to the spot against the wall and keeps listening to their conversation.
“What do you mean?” Marlene asks.
“You know why Remus hated me right?” Sirius asks.
“Sort of.” Marlene replies.
“He and I were-” Sirius starts but cuts himself off.
“You were?” She asks, sounding impatient. Though the silence just continues.
“Come on, we don't have all night.” Marlene says rushing Sirius into answering. Dorcas mentally thanks McKinnon because she too is starting to get impatient.
“We were dating. Together. No, snogging? I don’t know, whatever it was, I ruined it.” He rambles, forcing it out. ‘He deserves so much better than you’, Dorcas thinks to herself.
“You and Remus?” Marlene says surprised. This does surprise Dorcas as well. Marlene doesn’t know? She figured Remus’ closest friends knew.
“Yeah but this isn’t about me.” Sirius says as if he’s suggesting something else to Marlene.
“I do not fancy Meadowes.” She says and continues walking. Dorcas stands frozen hearing the words and the echoes of the footsteps getting closer and closer to her.
“She does.” Sirius says and the footsteps stop again.
“What?” Dorcas mentally asks the same.
“The past months I’ve learnt to observe people instead of interacting with people. I’ve noticed a lot that most wouldn’t even guess at.” Sirius says. “I’ve noticed Meadowes as well. The way she has been looking at you. The way she’s avoiding you now. It’s actually pretty obvious if you just open your eyes.”
“She does not fancy me.” Marlene says quietly. Dorcas wishes she didn’t and she wishes she didn’t hear this conversation.
She turns around and starts walking in the opposite direction with everything that was on her mind before completely forgotten.