Missing out
Regulus know he should be leaving now. He is already late. But he can’t make himself walk out of that door. He was excited to go a few hours ago. But right now, he can’t think of something more exhausting than going to a party and talking to people and acting like his skin isn’t burning with the consistent feeling that something is wrong. And the worst thing is, he has no idea why he feels like this. Because nothing happened and still his heart is bumping too loud in his chest.
He is dressed in an outfit he specifically bought for this occasion. It’s James’ birthday, of course, he has to look the best. He is wearing black jeans and an unbuttoned shirt showing his fit chest. He felt good in the outfit before. Now he hates it.
Dorcas comes in telling him they should go but he waves her off telling her they should go ahead, and that he will come later. “I’m not feeling well. Just tired. Tell James not to worry though.”
He sits down on the floor. He eyes the wrapped present he bought for James and the bottle of champagne. James isn’t big on champagne but it’s his eighteen birthday you should celebrate it with grace. He even painted the bottle with silly little paintings, so James could keep the bottle as a reminder.
Regulus is angry. So angry he wants to hit something. Angry at himself for not being to do the simplest thing and attended his boyfriends' birthday party. He feels tears prickling in his eyes because of how useless he is. He had everything planned out. He got the present, he got the bottle, he dressed up, and he had a speech prepared he wanted to say to James. To tell him how much he means to him and how happy he is to celebrate with him. How can he care about James and miss his party?
The anger is slowly replaced by sadness. He really wanted to go. But his anxiety decided to act today. Today of all days. And he is going to miss it. Again. He is always missing stuff. And he is sick of missing out over and over again.
But he already knows he won’t be able to go. Even the thought of entering the room full of people makes the unsettling knot in his stomach tighten more. So, he gives up on trying to persuade himself to go. He accepts the fact he failed again. He failed James. Himself. People will ask James where his boyfriend is, and James would have to explain that he is dating the most incompetent person ever. He sits on the ground for more than an hour still in his clothes. Every time the anxiety eases up, the guilt of failing brings it back up.
Regulus doesn’t know how much time passed when he hears the soft knock on the door and James slips into the room looking worried. “Reg?”
Regulus hates that he is here instead of his friends smiling. “I’m sorry, James.” He chokes out and hides his face in the palms of his hands.
James sits down in front of him and softly touches his arm. “What’s wrong, love?”
He looks up and can’t escape the kindness in James’ eyes that he is sure he doesn’t deserve. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wanted to go, James. I swear I wanted to go. I have a present for you and… and the champagne and speech. Everything. I wanted to be there.”
“I see,” James says as he glances at a bottle with drawings on it with a smile. “What happened? Are you okay? Dorcas said you are not feeling well.”
“I…” He wants to say that he is okay. That he was just stealing and that they can get up and go to the party. But he would be lying. “My anxiety is really bad tonight and I…” He trails off.
James gives him a sad smile. A pitying smile, which Regulus hates. “I will make it up to you. I promise.” Regulus says because it’s all he can do now.
“No, no… Regulus it’s alright.” James says and tries to bring him into a hug. But Regulus doesn’t want him to. Well, he does. He wants nothing more than be in his arms. But he doesn’t deserve it.
“It’s not. You should be there having fun and not wasting time with me.”
James cups his face to urge him to look up at him. There is hurt in his eyes like Regulus just punched him. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. I love being with you. I love you. So, don’t suggest I’m wasting time when the truth is I’m so lucky to be with you. I would spend all night sitting here on the floor if I get to be with you.”
Regulus finally lets his arms wrap around him. And it feels good. It always feels good. “I just hate missing out. It feels like all I’m doing is missing out. And I don’t know what to do with it.” He confesses.
“It will be alright, love. There will be other parties we will go to.” Regulus wants to disagree, but James doesn’t let him. “It’s more important you feel good, Reg. We will figure it out.”
“What if it never gets better? What if I will always be like this?”
“I think it will get better. But if not, we will figure that out, as well. I love you, no matter what, okay?”
Regulus wants to apologise again. But he knows James will not have it. That he won’t let him apologise for struggling. Instead, he decides to focus on this amazing boy. “Can I give you the present?”
And James laughs and the sound alone warms Regulus up. “Obviously. That’s why I came here after all. To collect my present.” Regulus shoves him and reaches out for the package.