Medicine for my mind
The silence that filled the room after the door closed behind James is deafening. Regulus was never an optimist, but when every bad scenario he ever could think of became true he found out there was a little hope in him after all. And now it’s gone. Regulus is pretty sure that losing hope is the worst feeling ever.
He sinks to his knees because there is no point in standing. He is done. He lost everything. And he isn’t even surpised. He always knew once he shows James his dark mark the boy will leave him. But seeing him actually walk out of the door destroyed him. It tore him open, leaving him bleeding alone in a cold room. And it’s all his fault.
Regulus waves his wand and summons a bottle of wine. He doesn’t even bother with getting glass. He just opens the bottle and drinks straight from it. “I’m sorry, Jamie.” He whispers and the only answer is the silence.
He can see the moment James finally realised Regulus was lost cause. He didn’t shout at him, he didn’t cry, he didn’t even talk. It was just a simple sentence I can’t Regulus. And with that, James walked out of the room and out of Regulus’ life. Regulus swings the bottle again drinking large gulps. The wine even though is expensive is tasteless in his mouth. It just burns.
It was only a matter of time before they would come to an end. There was never a different scenario for them. But to Regulus, the little time they had was everything. He only got taste of what it feels like to live. Not just surviving. And he doesn’t think he can go back to his old life. The bottle is empty, and Regulus opens another one. He drinks the wine like it’s medicine for his mind. Because the more he drinks the blurrier the world seems. The pain is still there, but instead of eating him alive, he feels like he is slowly drowning in oblivion.
“I’m so sorry.” He chatters over and over. “I was afraid. I’m sorry I was afraid, that I’m not as brave as Sirius.” His words are slurry, but it doesn’t matter. No one is listening anyway. These are just secret confessions that he never got to say out loud. “I wanted to be, you know? For you. But in the end, guess everybody was right. There is no point in trying to save a broken piece.”
His body is cold, and Regulus lost the only person who could ever warm him up. The bottle slips from his fingers and the red wine spills on the white carpet. Regulus doesn’t even bother to clean it. Nothing matters. He just opens another one determined to keep drinking until his mind shuts up.
He is lying on the floor curled up in a ball. “I just believed you for a moment. For one flattering shiny moment, I believed in a different ending. You once promised you would always be there for me.” Regulus wraps his arms around himself. He isn’t even angry with James for breaking the promise. He gave up on himself a long time ago. Sad acceptance filled his body. “I never got a chance to explain. But I guess it doesn’t matter in the end. I’m just so sorry.”
Regulus falls asleep alone on the cold floor surrounded by empty bottles and unfulfilled wishes.
~.~.~.~.~
James comes back to the room several hours later just to find this boy on the ground his body limp, the air filled with the smell of alcohol. It’s almost morning. James spent all night wandering around the castle trying to work this out. He didn’t want to leave his boyfriend alone last night, but he couldn’t stay there. It was too much. He picks up Regulus and lies him on a bed.
We are too young for this. We shouldn’t be dealing with it. We should be worried about exams and how to sneak into Hogsmeade. Not war. It’s not fair.
He wipes the tears from his eyes. Regulus stirs on the bed and opens his eyes. James can see the boy is still drunk. And considering the number of bottles on the ground he isn’t surprised.
“James?” Regulus whispers. And James’ heart breaks from the sadness in his voice. “at least I can see you like this.” James doesn’t understand, nothing makes sense. It all stopped making sense when he saw the mark on Regulus’ forearm.
“What do you mean like this?”
Regulus reaches up to him and the moment his fingertips touch his skin Regulus’ already red eyes swells with tear again. “You even feel like the real him too. I take it. If I can have you only in my dreams, I take it. Anything. Please just… I’m sorry that I wasn’t better.”
“We will fix it. I don’t know how but we will fix it.” James says.
Regulus smiles at him sadly. “Yeah, if you say so.”
James links their fingers together and it feels the same as yesterday. At least this is still theirs.
“My head is spinning,” Regulus whines and closes his eyes.
“Hold on,” James says quickly and summons a sobering Potion, that should help the younger boy. “Drink this and go to sleep.”
Regulus shakes his head. “I don’t want to go to sleep...” James’ heart aches from how defeated Regulus looks. “…not when you won’t be here when I wake up. I can’t do it.”
“I’ll be here. I promised, didn’t I?”
“You left. I let you down and you left.” Regulus whimper.
“I came back. I’m sorry, Reg.” There is no point in having a conversation right now. James shifts so he is lying on the bed and tugs Regulus towards him. “Sleep, I will wait, and we will talk in the morning.”
Regulus closes his eyes, the potion taking over. “I love you, James.” He whispers.
“I love you too.”