In another life
“One day I will take you to a beach.” James declares passionately. They are in a bed in come and go room. Regulus is leaning against the bed frame while James is lying on his back gesturing. “It will be great. I can totally see it. We have our summer house in Spain and Reg, it’s amazing there! We’ll have breakfast on the patio and then spend all day in the sun. Just the two of us and the sea. I love swimming and the water is always so warm, it feels like a hug. And we’ll have a basket with all the fruit cuts that you love. Oh, and we’ll build sandcastles! And read books and watch the sunset. Reg, the sunset there is amazing and the stars. You will love the stars I promise you.”
James continues to talk and for a split-second Regulus lets himself believe him. He gets carried away by the fantasies that James paints. Because his enthusiasm is so catchy, and the idea feels like a dream.
James props himself on his elbows to look at him and Regulus’ heart skips a beat. Because nothing compares to the way James Potter is looking at you. Regulus would give anything just to feel like this forever. Even though there is a constant voice in the back of his mind telling him he doesn’t deserve this. That, in the end, this only can be fantasie.
“Will you let me love?” James asks and he sounds breathless. “Can we go to a beach one day, please?”
“Of course, we can, James,” Regulus answers. He doesn’t have the strength, to tell the truth. To spoil this fantasy for the love of his life. So, he lies and for a second, he hopes with everything in him that he is wrong.
~.~.~.~.~
Regulus has a lot of regrets in his life. But the biggest one, the most painful one is not spending more time with the love of his life. He always knew James and he will not get their happy ending. But there was the small hope in the back of his mind that maybe and no matter how much he tried to push it down he never let it go. Never. Until now. Because this is the end for him.
As he is dragged to the water he remembers the old conversation, the long-lost fantasy about the two of them on a beach. They never got to go there. And he really wanted to. But it wasn’t meant to be. Not in this life. But maybe in another life. Merlin, he hopes there is such a thing as other lifetimes. And in it, they would go there and lie in the sun and build the sandcastles.
So, he pretends he is there. In another life. He pretends that the water around him is as warm as James promised, that he isn’t in a dark cave but in some small village in Spain. That the sound around him isn’t scary but it’s the laughter of the boy he loves. It’s been such a long time since he heard it, and the memory is slowly fading. And isn’t that more devastating than dying?
As his vision darkens from the lack of oxygen, he pretends that he is falling asleep on the beach. And when he wakes up, he will be lying next to him, next to James, his James.