Defying the Stars

The story of Icarus fascinated him. The undeniable overwhelming hubris that he must have had, to fly higher, to reach out his hand towards the sun in a desperate attempt to get closer. To touch and to feel. He was defined by that moment, the moment of which he fell. The moment he let his pride and confidence overwhelm him and he lost all sense of anything else but the sun.

To be defined by a singular moment in time, to have it consume who you are, your story, it was familiar to Regulus. To have all your worth, your accomplishments, the moments you shined brighter than anyone else overshadowed by one choice. To have that choice define you. Regulus was familiar with the concept.

Icarus was not just the boy who ignored his father’s words, who was arrogant and confident to a fault. Icarus was brave, courageous, a master craftsman, he was more than just that one moment. He was more than just that one mistake.

Regulus too, was more than just the moment his parents seemed to define him by. Regulus too had dreams so large, so grand, that he wished to take the leap like Icarus and attempt his own personal mission, to see how close to the sun he’d dare to go.

He hadn’t expected the countless attempts it would take before one could fly, stumbling and tripping over yourself before you finally got it right and you were soaring. He’d keep trying in attempts to get close to the sun, aching to bathe in the warm light it would give him. Settling the creak in his bones and melting the ice his heart was caged within.

It was a Sunday when Regulus had all these thoughts slam into him. Startling and at full force they wedged themselves between polite dinner conversation topics and the need to not stumble over his words and trip up in front of his family.

It could only go down from there.

The conversations at the table were rather dull, like they always were. The same old conversations were passed around springing back and forth between his father and the rest. Regulus hardly had to pay attention to know what they were talking about.

Money. Politics. Offspring. Pride.

Drearily Regulus thought to himself, would this be his life forever? Would he be forced to orchestrate this same play every Sunday evening. Dancing like a marionette in front of his family, performing like a puppet pulled by invisible strings. Speaking when spoken to and quiet the rest of the time.

“Really, to have a stain on our reputation is despicable.” An uncle, he didn't know who, he didn’t bother to know who, spoke.

Regulus felt his fingers twitch as he held onto the stem of his wine glass and strategically took a sip in order to not join in on the conversation. Pride was the topic they were currently on.

“Any news on the young lad? He’d be twenty five now wouldn’t he?”

Yes. Regulus ached to say.

“No news, he’s as good as dead to us.” Regulus’ mother, Walburga, said, voice cold and detached.

He isn’t dead. Regulus wanted to shout.

Regulus could see his father nod out of the corner of his eye, “We’ve heard nothing of him for almost a decade he most likely is dead.”

“Good riddance.”

Shut up. Regulus wanted to bite back.

They didn’t talk about Sirius. It was a simple fact.

They didn’t talk about Sirius and even when they did it was a few words exchanged between two uninvolved members of the family, his parents were never ones to comment, never ones to bring any attention to it. Why they thought tonight would be the night to engage in conversation about his older brother, Regulus didn’t know. What he did know was it was grinding away at the chains that bound him here.

Regulus was staring at the remnants of the wine in his glass, swirling it round and round and round, the red lapping at the rim as the conversation continued blurring inside his brain.

“He was never a good influence-”

Regulus was half-listening, willing himself to tune it out. There was something about today that was getting on his nerves. In fact it had been a build up of years and years, months and days, weeks and seconds. And all of it led to this moment.

A defining moment.

“-waste of space-”

Regulus could feel the poundings of a headache beginning to ebb away at the edge of his mind. Could feel it rattling the chains.

“-be thankful he got rid of himself. Saved you doing all the dirty work-”

Regulus tried not to think about Sirius, really, he tried not to occupy his thoughts with the day his worldview shattered. He tried not to remember the happiness and security Sirius would bring him, he was gone, somewhere Regulus didn’t dare to follow.

“-disappointment-”

Regulus hated how they spoke of him, like he was the scum on the bottom of their shoes. His older brother, his guiding star. Sirius was the first chink in the chains that binded him and he’d be the last.

“-ungrateful-”

Regulus was downing the rest of his wine.

“Undeserving of the most Noble and Ancient House of Black.”

Regulus’ head whipped in the direction of one of his cousins who was voicing her opinion loudly like she always did.

He felt the threads snap, the chains holding him breaking at last.

If Regulus was to be defined by one moment in time, like Icarus, why could that moment not be his alone? Who was to say that moment couldn’t be this one, right here, right now.

He wasn't thinking, truly, when he pushed back his chair roughly from the table, a hush falling over the assembly of people there, he stared at them boldly, a harshness in his features, “you never deserved him.” his final words to his family before he walked out of the house.

Cold air hit him in the face as he crossed the threshold to outside and he could’ve laughed. He’d grabbed the few belongings that were actually his on his way out before turning on his phone and searching his contacts for someone to call.

He had broken free of the chains that bound him there.

Regulus was building himself a pair of wings and he was going to fly.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

“Took you long enough Crouch.” Regulus opened the door of the car and slid into the passenger seat.

“I can just as easily turn around and drive back home without you.” Regulus’ lifeline, Barty, spoke with no malice in his voice, the car already in motion and making its way through the sleeping city.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Evan would be upset with you.”

“Evan’s always upset with me.”

Regulus laughed. A short bark of laughter before he was devolving into a fit of giggles. Everything was funny, the whole situation was funny. He could feel Barty’s concerned stare as he drove them through the quiet streets, Regulus’ laughter rang out until he was heaving in lungfuls of air.

Barty’s finger’s were tapping anxiously atop the steering wheel, “you alright?”

“Spectacular.” Regulus breathed.

He was breathing. Real deep breaths of air. He was breathing like he hadn’t been able to breathe before. Wasn’t it funny how you didn’t really notice just how wrong something was until you were experiencing the real thing. That’s what breathing, right now, in this moment, felt like to Regulus.

Regulus barely had time to step out of the car before Evan was barrelling into him, murmuring into Regulus’ hair, gripping him tightly as Barty made his way around the car from the driver's side. Regulus felt another set of arms wrap around the two of them. He wouldn’t lie and say it wasn’t odd, the way he was being hugged by his two closest friends. They weren’t huggers, he wasn’t one for hugging, but he couldn’t find it in himself to push them away.

They stayed like that for a long while, the car door still open next to Regulus as he remained engulfed by two pairs of arms. For the first time in a long time he felt safe. For the first time in a long time he was breathing. For the first time in a long time he let himself cry.

The ice around his heart had begun to melt. He was reaching out for the sun. He was building himself a pair of wings.

“You know,” Evan began once they’d all settled inside, huddled close to one another in the kitchen. Barty, having refused once Regulus was in his grasp to let him go, was clinging to Regulus’ hand with his own as they sat on stools and let Evan move about the kitchen to make them all warm mugs of hot chocolate, “we were waiting for this day.”

“You were?” Regulus knew, subconsciously, that his friends didn’t agree with the way his parents were handling his future, his life. He knew that because they urged him to think on what he wanted whenever they saw the chance. Of course he knew but he’d also not known at the same time, not really. It was easy to delude oneself into thinking everything was in fact normal and fine when it wasn’t. It was easy to ignore and brush off concern after years of conditioning.

He had his mother to thank for that.

Barty snorted, squeezing Regulus’ hand as he did so, “I wanted to bet on when it would happen but Evan told me that wasn’t very tasteful.”

“Yes Barty, because betting on our friend’s inevitable escape from abuse is tasteful.” Evan responded with a roll of his eyes and sarcasm dripping from his words

“I’m just saying I would’ve won.”

“That’s ridiculous, you most certainly would not have.”

“Denial doesn’t look very good on you Evan my dear.”

“How did you know I’d get out?” Regulus interrupted them, he hated the way his voice croaked as he felt his throat ache from the crying.

Barty and Evan shared a look as Evan pushed two steaming mugs towards them, “we just did.”

“You just… did?”

“Yeah, you always kind of had one foot out the door you know? It wasn’t a matter of if it was a matter of when.” Evan said, leaning his elbows on the counter that separated them, nursing his own mug in both his hands.

Regulus sucked in a breath, “Really?”

Barty sighed, “look, Reg, it’s- honestly we weren’t one hundred percent certain because I mean your mum sure is good at manipulation but a part of you left the day Sirius did.”

And there it was, the elephant in the room, always the elephant in the room.

Sirius.

They didn’t bring up his brother, it was an unspoken rule. There were lots of those when it came to Sirius. Regulus was prone to adverse reactions whenever his brother was bought up or mentioned. Looking at him now at this moment was proof enough of that. He’d walked out. Left that house and all it stood for and he’d done it all because of Sirius.

He’d say that, really he would, but really Sirius was just the tip of the iceberg, what people saw when they wanted to see a reason for why.

Sirius was the tip of an iceberg of reasons that went so far down he didn’t know if the sun could even reach them. He’d been slowly adding to them before Sirius had left and they’d broken the surface the day he had left. The cracks in his facade are just a little more obvious now, a little more jaded and easy to pry open.

“So what now?” Evan breaks the silence.

Regulus feels Barty squeeze his hand and looking up to lock eyes with Evan, newfound determination flickering to life within, Regulus answers him.

“Now. I’m going to find my brother.”

— — —

Regulus rushes to pick up the phone, scrambling across the room, “Hi.” he breathes into the receiver.

“I’m sorry.”

Regulus deflates, “it’s okay.” It wasn’t okay.

“I have a few more leads, would you like me to follow them up as well?”

“Yes.” Regulus speaks quickly. He continues to fan the flame of hope in his heart.

“Okay. I’ll be in touch.”

Regulus hangs up.

— — —

“Hello?”

“It wasn’t him.”

Regulus sighs, “keep looking.”

“Okay but I don’t thi-”

Regulus hangs up.

— — —

“I’m sorry.”

Regulus hangs up.

— — —

“Good news this time?”

“Sorry, another dead end. It wasn’t him.”

Regulus hangs up.

— — —

“What am I even paying you for if all you can give me is dead ends?”

He heard someone sigh at the other end of the call, “We have one more lead, after that well I’m not sure there’s anywhere else to go.”

Regulus runs a hand over his face in frustration leaning his head back against the wall he was standing against, “okay.”

“We’ll be in tou-”

Regulus hangs up.

— — —

The phone is ringing and Regulus is staring at the ceiling. It continues to ring and Regulus continues to stare, willing the phone to turn itself off. It doesn’t. It just continues to ring before going to voicemail.

There's a moment of silence before the phone is ringing again.

Regulus groans and rolls over in the bed, he’s home alone for the first time in a while, both Evan and Barty having to go exist as normal people in society and so Regulus is alone. He’s not sure what he’s doing exactly, chasing someone who he doesn’t even know is alive.

He’d been so confident in his resolve weeks ago that the flame had flickered to life and burned without so much as dying down. He could feel it struggling to stay alive with no fuel to feed it, it may have flickered to life and burned but it was dying.

“Hello,” he spoke into the receiving end of the phone, tiredness creeping into his voice.

“We found him.”

Fuel had been added to the flame, it burned brighter than ever now.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

“Make sure to call, yeah?” Evan murmured into his hair as he clung to Regulus, arms wrapped firmly around him.

Regulus nodded, he felt his eyes getting wet and his throat clogging up with emotion. “Of course,” he managed to croak out.

He was hastily swiping at his eyes as the bus pulled up, he’d have to catch a bus, a train and then another bus to go as far inland as he needed. He’d never been so far from a central city, unused to the lack of transportation options to get there and with no license to aid him he’d have to make the grueling eight hour journey by public transport to get there.

Settling in his seat on the bus, suitcase at his feet he murmured a soft thank you. Even though Barty and Evan couldn’t hear it now he meant it with every fiber of his being and he was sure they knew how thankful he was. It wasn’t everyday Regulus would reach out to someone, let someone slip past his barricades, but Regulus was going to fly and his friends had helped him up so he could try again.

So he could do it right this time.

The town crept up on him. Regulus had spent the majority of the trip, zoning in and out of existence. Earbuds firmly pressed into his ears to drown out the world around him, to drown out the millions of thoughts rushing through his head.

He hadn’t really thought about what he’d do when he got here. He hadn’t made it that far in his plan. He didn’t even know if Sirius was here for sure, when he’d talked to the private investigator he had been paying all they had said was there were sightings and the name ‘Sirius’ signed onto the deed of some land.

It wasn’t nothing, it was something, and for Regulus that was enough.

The building was small and unassuming in front of Regulus. It was here however where the bus driver had directed him, somewhere he could ask for further direction. Somewhere he could ask about Sirius.

Walking inside he was not sure what he thought would greet him. What he knew for sure was that he wasn’t expecting someone like the Greeks would have described to be staring at him. Tanned skin, dark curls and round frames. Sharp jaw and broad shoulders, he looked positively like he’d been snatched out of a book of mythology.

He smiled at Regulus and if that wasn't awful for Regulus’ heart, stuttering in his chest. It wasn’t as if he didn’t see pretty boys back home, as sheltered and closed off as he was about his sexuality within the walls of his family's house. The man in front of him was different however, radiant in every possible way.

Still smiling at him the man spoke, “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Pardon?”

“Penny for your thoughts?” he repeated, amused.

Regulus bristled a little under his gaze, he’d been staring, “you are?” he asked.

“The Sheriff, name’s James. James Potter.” With that Regulus let his eyes drift and catch the glint of a small badge on James’ vest.

“Well,” Regulus begins, “Potter, I have a few questions for you.”

“Do you now?”

Regulus nodded, “Yes.”

James sat back in his chair as Regulus walked over to stand in front of his desk. He was taking in Regulus now, not hiding the way he scanned Regulus up and down as Regulus fidgeted in front of him. “Go on.” He finally said.

“Sirius Black. Do you know him?” Regulus asked quickly, gauging for a reaction. Coming out the gate swinging was one way to ensure he’d get a genuine reaction. In a small town like this where everyone was sure to know everyone this was the best way to acquire information.

He couldn’t dismiss the frown that took over James’ face at his question but it wasn’t enough of an answer, it wasn’t something solid. It was there for a brief moment before disappearing.

James’ shook his head, “can’t say I do.” is all he said.

“You sure?” Regulus probed.

James nods again, “plenty sure. Name does not ring a bell at all.”

“I’ve been told someone named Sirius lives here, so maybe not a Black but someone else?”

“Feel like I’d remember someone named Sirius.”

“Yes, well, could you look them up maybe? Surely you have a list of everyone who lives in the area.”

“Oh, yes I do.”

Regulus pointedly stares at James.

“But I can’t go looking through it for you, confidentiality and all that.”

Regulus fights back the urge to groan as he bites at his lip, watching the way James’ eyes flicker to his lips. He decides to be a little bold, leaning over the desk Regulus places a hand on the wood, “you sure?” he asks, voice low.

He wasn’t oblivious to the way James had checked him out the moment he stepped in here, knowing Regulus had done the same thing to James it was okay for him to lean into it a little. To get what he wanted Regulus could play by Sirius’ rules for a moment, bat his eyelashes and sweet talk.

He watches as James waits a beat, swallowing notably, “I’m sure.”

Regulus leans back and huffs, “I know you’re hiding something.”

“Am I love?”

“Don’t.”

“What is it?”

“Don’t patronize me.”

James grinned, “wouldn’t dream of it love.”

“There you go again.”

“What? Can’t handle a little pet name?”

“We don’t know each other.”

“Oh but we could get to know each other. I sure would like to.”

Regulus scoffs, “think I’d let you get to know me after you shot me down?”

James shrugs, “you never know.”

Regulus sighs, there’s no getting anything out of James right now and he can see the light disappearing as it fades from the room. Every conversation is being derailed and Regulus, one normally able to keep up with a conversation as such, was tired. He didn’t have it in him to right the conversation over and over after the long day he’d had.

“You wouldn’t be able to point me in the direction of the bed and breakfast?”

“I’ll take you.” James seems to jump at the idea.

“I’m sure I can find the way on my own.”

“What if you get lost?”

“Potter. This town is so small I doubt I’ll get lost.”

“You never know,” James is smiling at him, mischief in his eyes, “and what sort of a Sheriff would I be to leave a newcomer like yourself stranded?”

“I am not stranded.”

“So lost and confused. You positively must let me guide you.”

“This appears to be more for your benefit than mine.”

James shrugs, “maybe I just want an excuse to get to know you a little more.”

“You won’t.”

“Want to bet?”

“Why would you even want to get to know me?”

“You’re pretty.”

Regulus pauses a little at that, “Am I?”

James smiles, “Yeah, you’re pretty when you argue with me.”

“We are not arguing.”

“Then you agree? For me to walk you? Excellent, I'll grab my coat.”

Regulus sighs, “you are impossible. Is this how you treat everyone?”

“Only the pretty ones.” James winks at him before grabbing the keys off his desk and leading them to the door. He grabs his coat off its hook and gestures for Regulus to exit the building, holding the door open for him.

Regulus rolls his eyes at the dramatic showing of chivalry. He’d let James walk him, try to remain on his good side, as there was just something about the way James was behaving, something about the small town that was calling to Regulus.

He knew if he reached out his hand even a little bit more he’d be able to brush the light just a little bit. The wings on his back creaked as the gears shifted. He could feel them working out the small cogs. He could feel them getting ready to fly.

There was something here that was calling to him. He could feel it coaxing the sparks and fanning the flame.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

James finds him the next day sitting out the front of the bed and breakfast, cup of coffee in front of him, rays of sun peering through the trees that framed the establishment.

He pulls down the newspaper Regulus had propped up to read, “penny for your thoughts?”

The sun is shining behind him, glaringly and dreadfully bright. The way he’s smiling at Regulus has Regulus’ stomach doing flips and his cheeks heating up from more than just the unwelcomed sight of the sun behind James.

“If you’ve got a penny maybe I’ll let you sit.” Regulus said after a moment and he felt chuffed as James let out a laugh.

“Okay.” He says, a grin on his face as he leaves.

He came back the next day with a penny because of course he did.

“Where did you even find this?” Regulus had asked him, turning the small coin between his fingers.

James just grinned, “secret.” he said, holding a finger to his lips.

Regulus eyes him warily, staring up through his lashes he goes to open his mouth to speak but James beats him to it.

“You’re pretty.”

“What for this time?”

“The way you look bathed in the sun.”

Regulus refused to acknowledge the way those words hit him, his stomach fluttering. Everytime.

A few days pass like this. James coming by to talk to and annoy Regulus before leaving to head back to his office to work. He always came by, always with a penny and always telling Regulus he was pretty, always for a different reason and leaving Regulus more and more breathless each time.

Regulus had wandered around town in the meantime, trying to ask subtly to see if anyone had seen Sirius but getting mostly non-answers and Regulus was getting frustrated. No one seemed to want to tell him anything, something was going on or maybe he was on a wild goose chase after all.

Was he chasing a pipe dream?

Was he losing it?

He didn’t want to be. He didn’t want to think what it would mean having to go back to Evan and Barty empty handed and more broken than before. He needed to collect the piece of him that went with Sirius the day he left. He needed to be whole again.

He’d begun to like James’ company too and he couldn’t let himself get attached, not if he’d be leaving soon, off to another part of the country to search for his brother.

Another night passes and Regulus is tired. Maybe he should give up, maybe he should heckle James more. Maybe he was chasing a ghost this whole time. He’s making his way towards James’ office, hand on the knob of the door.

He takes a breath to steel himself for whatever is to come, the conversation he is about to have. He can’t help it. He’s come to like James. He’s come to like seeing his smile and basking in the warmth from his presence. It just wasn’t a possibility to let himself indulge, not when he was still looking for Sirius. Not when he needed to know if Sirius was dead or alive. Regulus wouldn’t stop looking until he found a body.

If he needs to be cruel and mean to get what he wants he will be. It was who he had been raised to be.

If he needs to tie James up to look at the town's records himself he will.

Opening the door he stopped dead in his tracks. He hadn’t even noticed the second car parked out the front. Hadn’t even heard the sounds of multiple people coming from inside. Hadn’t stopped to think. He was tired. He was chasing a ghost. Only, the ghost was alive and standing right in front of him.

Regulus felt the world shift beneath him and he leant against the door for support suddenly weak at the knees, “Siri?”

At that the sight of Sirius, dressed in jeans and a tank, flannel overshirt a size too big draped over the top. He still had hair that ran in waves and curls past his shoulders, falling in his face, a picture of soft lines sculpted to be the definition of beautiful.

Sirius looked like he was the one who was seeing a ghost, “Reggie,” he choked out.

Regulus took notice of the other man in the room, tall with sun kissed skin freckled and a mousy brown tangle of short fluffy curls, he had placed a hand on the small of Sirius’ back as he stared at Regulus, small frown on his face.

“Regulus…” James spoke now, voice cutting through the air like a knife.

Sirius continued to stare mutely and Regulus laughed, hollow. He couldn’t help it, the well of anger that was burning within him, mixed with relief.

“What’s this? Having a little meeting about me?” Regulus resisted the urge to spit out the words and relished in the way Sirius shied away as he said the nickname. Relished in the way James flinched.

He watched as James opened his mouth to speak before shutting it again and the other man pursed his lips, hand firm on Sirius’ back still.

“Were you going to let me believe you were dead until I left?” Regulus continued.

“No, Reggie I swear that’s not it- that wouldn't- I wouldn't.” Sirius admitted softly rambling.

Anger bubbling over Regulus pushed off the doorframe and let the door swing shut behind him with a slam, “You wouldn’t?” he all but yelled as he stalked forwards, “I’ve been in town for days now and you didn’t even think to reach out to me? To tell me you were alive!?” The last part was directed at James as well and Regulus felt satisfaction as neither of them met his eyes.

The man next to Sirius stepped forward and Sirius stopped him, “Remus, it’s okay.”

Sirius moved closer to Regulus, still keeping his distance. He gestured behind him at James and Remus, “this isn’t for you to interfere so either leave or stay quiet.”

James nodded and there was a shift in Remus’ gaze before Sirius allowed himself to swing his attention back to Regulus, “I just had to be sure of some things…” Sirius trailed off.

Regulus could have laughed. Even now when he’d traveled hours to get here, had been searching for weeks, had been waiting for years, even now Sirius doubted him, “what? Scared I’ll go running back to mother and father? Is that it?”

“Regulus…”

“No. No, don’t try to deny it. That’s why you hadn’t revealed yourself to me because you believe I still can’t do anything without them.”

“Reg-”

“And what? What if you hadn’t figured it out and thought I’d be better off thinking you were dead? What then? Go on. Tell me Sirius. Tell me all about how you would’ve let your brother walk away from this town, away from you, thinking you were dead.”

“Regulus there are other factors you aren’t aware of.”

“There shouldn’t be any other factors. I’m your brother aren’t I?”

“You are-”

“Then why? Why would you- I don’t understand Siri, you’re my brother and I wouldn’t… fuck I’d never, even if that’s what this was.”

Sirius was gnawing at his lip.

“I’m your brother and I matter. I should matter. You matter to me, I care about you Siri…”

“Care?” Sirius blurted out before he could stop himself.

“Yes. Care.”

“You? Care? Why would you? Always so perfect for mother and father. I thought you would have forgotten about me by now.” Sirius was biting back, not one to back down when Regulus was yelling at him.

They fed off each other’s heightened emotions like that. They always had.

“As if I could forget. As if they’d let me forget about you, always using you against me.”

“Come off it. You didn’t need to be persuaded, you went along with whatever they said no matter what.”

“Fuck you Sirius. Just because I didn’t rebel at every opportunity doesn’t mean I was compliant. You could never go along with anything, always itching for a fight, guess some things never change.”

A sharp inhale. Good. Regulus was angry, he was looking for a reaction.

“Fuck you too, I’d rather make it difficult for myself then ever go along with what they said.”

“Yeah because getting beat within an inch of your life really worked wonders didn’t it? Was it worth it?” Regulus spat.

Sirius sneered at him, “Yes.”

“That’s so fucking stupid. You didn’t need to oppose them, you could have rebelled silently. Left silently, why do you always have to be so fucking dramatic?” Regulus didn’t even know why he was arguing, he’d been over this before in his head, he was older, he understood the nuances and yet in this moment. Standing in front of Sirius like this. He felt like a child again.

“You know me Reggie, I have a need for doing everything with a dramatic flair.” A grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes took over Sirius’ face.

“You could’ve at least tried.”

“Why? What was the point? There was nothing there for me.” Regulus could see the regret cross Sirius’ face the second he said it but it was too late Regulus was already responding.

“I was there! I was there and I needed you.” Regulus choked out. He didn’t know anymore. He just wanted his brother, his big brother.

“It didn’t look like you did.” Sirius whispered, stepping forward tentatively.

“I always did. I do. I need you Siri…” Regulus felt a chasm of vulnerability cracking his chest open, “I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead and I was looking for a body. I thought- I thought I’d find a body. I wouldn’t have stopped looking until I’d found something, I needed to know. I needed to tell you, I had to tell you- I-” the words get harder to say, Regulus’ breath choking the words and his throat closing in on itself.

Sirius softens as he closes the rest of the distance between them, “Hey now, hey Reg hey, I’m not dead.” he says and Regulus laughs, “Obviously.”

Sirius laughs too, hands twitching at his sides.

“They talked about you as if you were dead and I just, I didn’t know- I didn’t know what happened to you- I had to tell you, I have to tell you-”

“You don’t have to tell me anything right now.”

Regulus shakes his head frantically, “no you don’t get it I have to. I have to right now or I’m a coward Sirius.”

“Okay.” Sirius nods, “go on.”

He waits. Patiently for Regulus to school his breathing, “I’m sorry,” Regulus chokes out, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t- you deserve a brother who could’ve stood up for you- you deserve so much Sirius I’m sorry. I’m so sorry-” the words come rushing out, he isn’t sure if he can even verbalize what he’s apologizing for and instead just ends up repeating the apology over and over.

He feels Sirius crashing into him, pulling him into a fierce hug, murmuring into his hair about how it would be okay, how they had all the time in the world now, how he forgave him. Regulus was choking on air, on sobs, on his own words as he felt them slide to the ground together. A heap of limbs and yet Sirius’ arms remained firmly wrapped around him.

He was burning from within, the ice had melted, the flame was roaring, his heart was soaring.

He felt like he’d found home.

He was whole again.