Chapter 1
Regulus was an acquaintance at best. James inflated their relationship in his mind; he was an optimist. Slytherin be damned, he had to be nice to his best friend’s little brother. Especially compared to his brother, Regulus was quiet and introverted. Not exactly shy, he had a penchant for being direct. James was sure he had friends, some kids he saw eating with him in the Great Hall, but still he worried.
They always waved and smiled at each other when passing in the long halls. He had to be a little more sneaky in Sirius’ presence, but James didn’t want to break the habit. The relationship between the two brothers wasn’t exactly the best. There was this unexplained tension between the two, but Regulus was one of the things he didn’t talk about. James didn’t want to push.
Their almost-friendship wasn’t much of a secret per se; Sirius hadn’t ever asked anyone to stay away from his brother, so it wasn’t technically out of bounds (James knew it was a stretch). After a year of omission, it didn’t make sense to say anything. How would he bring it up? “I smile at your brother in the hallway sometimes,” sounded stupid. It really was nothing.
Except it wasn’t? James looked forward to it as often as he went from class to class. It wasn’t a big prank or spectacle, but the tiny mundane. James had never been possessive, usually quite the opposite, but it was just for him. Small moments of almost symmetry. James shared his whole life with his friends, but he liked having something that was his. Even if it wasn’t a big special thing. Did that make it better?
James felt grim knowing where Regulus still was.
Summer had been good, one of his favorites; although, most hectic up to date. Sneaking Sirius out of the house proved difficult, but successful. The Walburga and Orion Black had to be distracted long enough for James and Sirius to break through all of the magic on the fireplace, blocking him from leaving the god-awful house. James could have sworn he saw a figure pass the living room entrance, but no one ever came in. Right after Sirius, he heard a door creaking opening as the floo transported him to Potter Manor.
It was a little weird getting used to another person in the house, but James quickly adapted. Part of him feared he’d grow frustrated of his best friend, them being in such close proximity to each other, but they were closer than that. To hell with Grimmauld Place, James didn’t have to worry about him all summer. He could walk two steps from his room and Sirius would be there.
Yes it was a given, but James loved to see his friends happy. Watching Sirius light up at the sight of Remus, playing quidditch all day, laying by lake for hours on end. The weight on his shoulders had been lifted and what replaced it was the air of freedom. James wished he would have done it years and years earlier. He wished he could do so much.
He caught Sirius looking up and down the platform. They had just run through a column of bricks, nothing outside of the usual. The boy was looking for his brother no doubt. James said nothing, knowing he had been doing the same thing just a second before.
The pair was met with claps on the back and hollers from far away. Were they popular? James had never really noticed. He didn’t know a third of the people that had talked to him. He gave pretty basic responses though. “How was your summer?” “Good, how was yours?” There was this understanding among those who didn’t know him well; he was a charmer apparently? God knows where that came from. He just knew how to small talk and be generally nice.
It only took a little while for the two of them to find Peter. The poor boy was nervous around the big crowd; James could see the sweat gather on his forehead. Groups always did make his stomach turn. James thought he might love to go into his rat form and just stay like that forever.
Soon after, Peter led the pair to where Remus had saved a compartment. Their quiet friend was sitting peacefully with a book in his hands, The Catch in the Rye. James had never heard of it. Maybe it was a muggle book?
“So sweet!” Sirius sat beside Remus, giving the boy a loud slap on the back, “Such a generous young man, saving us all these premium quality seats.”
Remus rolled his eyes but smiled still, “I hate to be the one to have to remind you, but I always save our seats. Every single year,” He added the part with a gentle push at his friend’s shoulder.
“But still,” James sat across from the pair in the spot next to Peter. He blew Remus a kiss, one that was promptly shooed away.
Despite all of the summer visits, the group all felt especially excited to see each other. James even felt a warmth in his chest to see Sirius, and they now lived together. There was something special about the train ride to Hogwarts; its always been that way. The boys were laughing hysterically and making much more noise than they needed. Definitely a rowdy bunch of teens, but not too different from all of the other compartments in the train. Of course with the exception of a select few.
The carriage ride? Same as before. The sorting? Even more boring than the previous five years. The food? James always had a hard time adjusting to the Hogwarts food. It was not disgusting by any means, but simply not what he was used to. Definitely not as flavorful as the meals he experienced back at home. To his right, he saw Sirius scrunch his nose up at the first bite; it seemed that he had been spoiled too.
-
Suddenly, James was a first year Hogwarts student again. He felt the tug of his body’s relentless energy buzzing around. As expected, tossing and turning didn’t do much but make unnecessary noise. James threw off his covers, frustrated. All his friends were knocked out; they barely changed into their night clothes before he had heard light snores. James had always envied their collective ability to fall asleep at the flip of a switch.
I’m done, he thought to himself, getting out of his four-poster bed. It looked the same yet was never too small; did it grow with him? The boy was careful to open his curtains, slowly and quietly. He cursed the old castles creaking.
James had snuck around at night many times, a number that would disappoint McGonagall as well as his mother. Sometimes he found himself surprised at just how dark the halls would get at night. If his wand were to go out, he’d only have the soft light of the moon to depend on; it shined through the large great windows. Every few portraits were illuminated and James could feel some of them following his quiet steps. Perhaps it was the magic that made it all look so beautiful.
He’d missed it. All the energy that filled the school, wedging its way through every stone and step. The smell of books, quills, and whatever spell they cast to make the Gryffindor common room feel like home. James even caught himself missing the outspoken knight and his feeble horse.
The next year would be his last at school. There’s an excitement that he felt at the idea; all kids can’t wait to grow up. All the freedom they think they’ll have. It was so close, but did James feel any different than he had six years ago? A little growth here and there with some maturity mixed in, James was James. He was a boy with glasses, a Gryffindor, and a romantic. He loved his jokes and pranks, he liked to be around his friends. Same as last year and the one before that. With all of the talk of the future from family and adults, James had expected more.
James might have embraced change had it come knocking at his open door. He had expected it to come by already. He had previously thought it was Sirius being much closer in his life, but he now wasn't sure. The boy was still only sixteen.
“James!” A voice whispered behind him.
Properly startled, the boy’s head whipped to the space he had just walked. Remus stood there, his gentle downturned eyes fixed on his friend. James stood in the dark while Remus was in the ray of moonlight. The wolf could probably see him just fine.
Their footsteps echoed towards each other, “Remus, what are you doing up?”
“I could ask you the same,” He tapped James’ forehead, “Are you headed to the owlery? What could be so important? It’s so late.”
“I have no idea.”
Remus sighed.
“Might as well,” James said, throwing his arm over his friend’s shoulder.
He could vividly see Sirius glaring at him, his dark brown eyes pointed and furious. Sirius had always been a little possessive of his friends. James accredited some of it to the dog. He’s been a little more protective of Remus, especially since finding out about his furry little secret. Remus and Sirius had a type of connection that drew them together constantly. James wasn’t stupid.
“There isn't really much of us,” Remus sat on the tower edge, his feet swinging in the wind.
James took up the space beside him, “What do you mean?”
The wind was colder than he would have usually liked, but it felt nice at that moment.
“It’s always the three or four of us. Its not often we only have the two of us.”
“I guess that’s true,” James paused, “I like us.”
“Are you worried about this year? We’re getting older.”
James laughed, “I feel like you ask me that every year.”
“I guess so,” Remus smiled, “Kinda means something different every time,” A small paused filled the air, “Are you going to ask Lily out this year?”
James laid his head on Remus’ shoulder with a sigh, “No. After a while it kinda felt like I was-”
“Doing it because you had been since forever?” Remus finished, “You had a crush on her in first and second year so you kind of just kept going?”
“Exactly, actually on point,” James chuckled, “I thought I’d be a little more honest with myself this year. I’m not afraid to switch things up.”
“You also like boys.”
“Yep.”