Bad Blood
The twins, Cory and Flea, were rolling around on the floor, wrestling and generally being in the way as a large black dog barked encouragement. Theo ground his heel into the twitching carpet, reminding the carnivorous thing that the children were off-limits. Harry knelt near the door, trying to get Al’s shoes on while Cassie hung off his robes. Dag was scrolling through her MP3 player, chewing bright purple gum and occasionally blowing animal-shaped bubbles that barked and meowed and brayed when they inevitably popped. The portrait of Walburga Black chastised Dag’s bad manners, but their eldest daughter’s headphones were enchanted by Harry himself. She was in a world of her own.
Theo rubbed his eyes, not sparing a glance at the three lists of supplies he was entrusted with. He had it memorized; not much had changed since he was a student. Though he had misgivings about sending three of his children away to school for the majority of the year, the children were restless and a thousand-year-old castle, other magical children, ghosts, portraits, professors, and a forest and lake teeming with all manner of dark and dangerous creatures would provide a good outlet. That Grimmauld Place was still standing was a miracle, and took the concentrated effort of three adults and three house-elves.
“Harry,” Theo said, noting that his husband had lost his patience and spelled the shoes onto their youngest son’s feet. Al started crying, and Cassie stopped strangling Harry to comfort her little brother.
“Yeah?” Harry said, pushing his glasses up.
Theo gave him an impassive look, then surveyed their five bespectacled children.
“Why do all of my children wear glasses?” Theo asked.
Harry scratched his head and frowned. “You know, I never noticed that.”
The twins, Cory and Flea, finally broke apart. “Truce,” they said to each other, as they did every time they got into a fight. Theo sighed and waved his hand, repairing their cracked lenses.
“I feel like I should say something before we leave,” Theo said. He narrowed his eyes as the only other magical family with so many children, the Weasley family, crossed his mind. He would sooner bleed Molly Weasely on an altar than ask for her advice, and disregarded both thoughts as unhelpful. Harry would be displeased if any Weasley was harmed. Theo’s expression darkened. The fit Weasley…
“I know that look,” Harry said, picking Al up and patting his back. He stepped over the dog and kissed Theo on the cheek. “No murder.” Harry looked around, at the rumpled twins, at Cassie climbing on the dog and holding his ears like reins, at Dag rolling her eyes and grabbing the doorknob. “Alright, everyone. Remember, be on your worst behavior! Dag, lead the way!”
The dog barked and herded the children out of the house. Harry smiled at him, and Theo was reminded once again why this was a man he would go to war for. He would burn down the world for that smile.
“No murder today,” Harry repeated, taking Theo’s hand and leading him to the door. The kids and the dog were waiting on the pavement. Al sniffed wetly and buried his face in Harry’s robes. Harry’s fingers tightened around his. “At least wait until the kids are in bed.”
Theo smirked, then leaned down to kiss his husband, ignoring Cory and Flea as they made noises of disgust. They intended to gift the boys owls in the Potter tradition, but Theo would happily give them toads instead.
“Can we go?” Dag said loudly, exasperated. Cassie and Sirius the dog were running laps around her. “You take so long!”
Theo took Harry’s hand and checked his watch. “When are we meeting Tonks and Lupin?”
“Oh, shit,” Harry muttered, hurrying down the steps. “Change of plans! We aren’t walking to Diagon Alley.”
Dag gave him an appalled look. “Are we using the floo? Dad, I hate the floo!”
“Same,” Harry said, wincing as Cassie jumped on his back. He held out his hand and Dag’s eyes lit up. Theo caught the twins by their arms, pausing to hear Harry’s last words. “We’re apparating!”
Theo gently patted Cory and Flea’s backs as the boys vomited onto the floor of the Leaky Cauldron. It made little difference to the state of the floor.
“I don’t know how many times I’ve told you,” Lupin said, looking more grey and exhausted with each passing year. “They are too young to apparate.”
“Technically,” Harry said, conjuring a handkerchief for Al to blow his nose. “I was the one who apparated. And look, three out of five aren’t sick. That’s not bad.”
“It’s Uncle Theo’s fault,” Teddy Lupin, git-in-waiting, said. His hair shimmered briefly before settling into its usual bright blue. “His magic’s more brutal than Uncle Harry’s.”
Harry glanced at the prefect badge on Teddy’s robes and despaired. A wave of coldness issued from Theo, and the entire pub shuddered.
“Where’s your mum?” Harry asked.
Teddy shrugged. “Doing mum stuff.”
“Some business at the Ministry,” Lupin said tiredly. “A containment issue, I think.”
Harry nodded, keeping his expression neutral. He did what he had to to get a full day off, and if that included opening a portal into another realm, well, that was between him and that chittering little abomination.
Dag popped another bubble, this time in the shape of a giraffe. It grumbled at them. Al squirmed and Harry set him on the ground, snorting as Al ran up to Dag and pouted at her until she gave him a piece of gum too.
“What are you listening to?” Teddy asked her as they walked to the brick wall. Theo placed himself between the Leaky’s crowd at the children, though people knew better than to ogle them. True, the blindness was temporary, but it did leave a lasting impression.
“Taylor Swift,” Dag replied. She tugged on Harry’s sleeve. “Dad, come on. I want to get my books then get ice cream.”
Harry laughed awkwardly and shared a look with Theo. “Yeah, well, we have a few stops to make before that.”
It had been years since Fortescue’s reopened, shortly after Harry had hacked up Voldemort. Learning what the Death Eaters had done with the ice cream man, and locating his bones, had been a pain but ultimately worth it. Muggle ice cream could not compete with Fortescue’s, and honestly, Harry owed it to the man for all the free sundaes he had been given over the years. So far no one had noticed Fortescue was an inferius, and it was about the time of year Fortescue’s reanimated corpse needed shoring up.
“You can wait until after lunch,” Theo told Dag. “And don’t give your sister ideas.”
“What ideas?” Cassie demanded.
“Ideas of grandeur,” Sirius said drily, ruffling her short red hair. “Delusions, really. Just like your dads.”
Lupin sighed, then tapped the right brick in the wall. A pinprick of light appeared in the center, gradually expanding to reveal the resplendent chaos of Diagon Alley. “Teddy and I need to stop by Gringotts first.” He paused and looked around. “Where’s Teddy?”
“He’s sixteen,” Sirius said, “he can shop on his—wait. Where are the twins?”
Harry did a quick head count. Three kids. “What the hell?” he said, looking at Theo. “Weren’t they just throwing up?”
Theo looked at the fireplace. “Corvus and Fleamont are of the opinion that being fitted for robes is boring.”
Sirius started laughing, while Lupin put a hand over his eyes.
Dag snapped her gum again. “Don’t tell me they went there. Teddy’s a prefect!” She scowled and put her headphones back on, stomping off. Sirius shook his head and followed.
“Reckon we should check on my other investment,” Harry said, taking Al’s hand. He smiled at Theo. Cory and Flea knew better than to run off on their own, even with their older cousin. There was no shortage of people angling to take advantage of him and his children.
“A few days in the oubliette,” Theo said, putting an arm around his shoulders.
Harry shook his head sharply, and Theo planted an apologetic kiss in his hair. Even as a joke, the thought of doing anything remotely similar to his children was horrifying. No confinement, no endless chores, no voices or hands raised in anger. They were better than that.
Harry felt Al’s small hand in his, and for a moment was overwhelmed by how much trust was in that gesture.
“Nothing’s going to happen to them,” Theo said. “Every magical being in Britain knows we would raze the country if it did.”
Harry snorted, absently noting how Lupin trailed them, and that Dag had realized she was getting too far ahead and waited patiently for them. No matter how annoyed she was, Dag took her role as big sister seriously.
“I’m not worried about them,” Harry said, smirking as Cassie grappled Lupin into giving her a piggyback ride. Theo had Al’s other hand, and the six-year-old was swinging between them. “It’s been about twenty years since I made a vow to myself.”
Theo raised an eyebrow. Al got a little too enthusiastic with his swinging and launched himself skyward, clipping a passing post owl. Harry idly flicked his wand, attaching a leash to Al’s ankle. He grinned at Theo.
“Wonder if Ron’s worked it out yet.”
A bell went off and Ron snorted awake, shivering as the traces of the new Patented Daymare Charm faded from his mind.
“Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind! Up in here! Up in here!”
He wiped the drool from his face, his annoyance growing when he realized that Fred and George had propped him behind the counter. Again.
Another bell went off, rattling Ron. The nightmare he had wasn’t the worst, just freezing water and drowning. It wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the other things he had seen during the war….
“Y’all gon’ make me go all out! Up in here! Up in here!”
Ron rubbed his face and turned towards the door. Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes was having a slow day, and his older brothers were nowhere to be seen. Ron scowled. Fred and George had likely snuck off with their wife again. He had no idea how Angelina put up with both of them.
The bell went off again.
“Y’all gon’ make me act a fool! Up in here! Up in here!”
“Who the hell is singing?” Ron muttered, walking around the counter. There was a loud crash from the back room, followed by frantic oinking. He squinted against his growing headache. “Verity?”
“Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool! Up in here! Up in here!”
Ron normally loved the shop, the cacophony, the jokes—Fred and George were geniuses—but somehow they always, always, managed to prank him. Fred II and George II were growing up to be just as bad. It was a good thing Rose and Hugo had inherited their mother’s common sense, and Ron had the relative safety of a quiet home—
“Welcome to Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes,” Ron mumbled, stumbling around a precarious tower of rubber chickens and tin parrots, not the best combination but space was at a premium.
He came to an abrupt stop.
Black hair.
Red hair.
Glasses.
A dog.
A werewolf.
“No,” Ron said, wide awake and backpedaling. “Not today. I’m not doing this today.” He spun around at another crash. “Verity? Is that you?”
Ron froze as he remembered Verity had the day off. Someone else was in the stockroom. He turned around again, quickly counting the number of Potters, Notts, Blacks, and Lupins.
It didn’t add up.
“If I gotsta bring it to you cowards then it’s gonna be quick,” Harry’s daughter Dagmar was rapping. To Ron’s horror, Harry was singing along, swinging his youngest, most devious children around. “All your mens up in Azkaban before—”
“Suck my dick!” several people shouted from the stockroom.
“Language!” Remus Lupin shouted back. “Teddy! Set an example!”
Harry and his daughter were still insanely rapping. “And all them other cats you run with get done with, dumb quick!”
Teddy Lupin stumbled out of the stockroom, carrying an immense porcine firework, trailed by Corvus and Fleamont Potter. Ron’s blood ran cold. They were starting Hogwarts that year. The little bastards were stocking up.
Ron waved his arms. “No, absolutely not. Shop’s closed! I’m going to lunch! Where the bloody hell is my wand…”
“How the fuck you gonna cross the dog with some bum shit?” Sirius Black joined in, a mad light in his eyes.
“What does Charlie see in you?” Ron demanded, ducking behind the counter again. Harry’s children were now running around the shop, shrieking and laughing. He couldn’t keep track of them all. Ron suddenly wished his mum was there. She’d have them sorted.
Sirius grinned at him. “Himself.”
Blushing furiously, Ron finally found his wand under a stack of Comb-a-Chameleon brushes. “Take what you want! I’m leaving!”
“You should pick up Rosie and Hugs,” Harry said, appearing at his side. Ron let out a little shriek and grabbed his chest, breathing heavily. “We’re going to get ice cream. By the way, nice hair.”
“What?” Ron said, grabbing his head. He flinched when his hands met something wriggling and sticky. “What the f...hell?”
“Gummy worms,” Harry explained, as his son Al grabbed one of Ron’s gummy locks and took a bite from it. The kid spit it out, splatting the counter with bright red gummy mush. “Bet it tastes like hair.”
“Ice cream!” Al demanded.
Ron looked at his former best friend, the dog crashing around, chased by a silver-haired werewolf, the blue-haired teenager and preteen with headphones who were knocking over shelves of love potions, the mismatched twin boys who had emptied an entire crate of self-writing quills and were giggling at all the swear words the quills were scribbling on every surface, the eight-year-old girl screaming as she crashed around on a pig-shaped rocket, the ominous dark wizard doing something with a compacted orb of Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder, then back at the innocently smiling Harry Potter.
It wasn’t often that Harry visited the shop, and Ron was still sore about their multiple falling outs, but after years of therapy, all those boring magical theory books Hermione made him read, and the fact that the magical world was still intact and not a smoldering wreck, Ron could finally accept that while Harry was a dark wizard, he wasn’t a bad wizard. How could you begrudge someone who had saved so many lives? And knowing that Harry had actually died, and despite all the times people failed him, all the times Ron had fucked up and said the wrong thing, could still smile, still wanted anything at all to do with him…
“Fine,” Ron said mulishly, grabbing his cloak. “I’ll get the kids, but this better be cleaned up by the time I get back.”
Harry saluted him, Al copying the gesture, then ruined it by tearing several gummy worms from Ron’s head. Ron scowled and stomped into the stockroom to floo home. He was going to go bald at this rate.
“Well?” Theo asked, sidling up to his husband, ignoring the pandemonium around them. The only thing that mattered in that moment was Harry.
Harry had a thoughtful look, leaning away as Al swung two giant gummy worms around. “I was going to trick him into getting a scoop of Cockroach Cluster, but I think I’ll give him a break.”
“You’re going soft,” Theo said, gazing deep into Harry’s eyes, completely indifferent to the swathe of destruction his children were creating. They weren’t typically so ill-behaved, but the Weasleys’ shop was an exception.
Harry slowly kissed him. “Fortescue’s introducing a new Sugar Spider flavor today,” he whispered.
“‘Cause, baby, now we got bad blood,” Dag sang at the top of her lungs, flinging bottles of love potion at a window already dripping pink. “You know it used to be mad love…”
Theo smirked, then cast a cushioning charm just before Cassie crashed into the ever-popular U-No-Poo and Potter Clotters window displays.
“Harry!” Lupin called out. “We could use some help! Edward, don’t make me write Professor Sprout about that badge!”
“Dad, it’s just a joke!”
“Cassie, get down from there!” Sirius shouted.
“No!”
“Have it your way! Kreacher!”
Several children screamed.
“Made with real spiders,” Harry added. He wrapped his arms around Theo’s waist. “Fortescue’s been coming up with some odd flavors since the war…”